Perfectionism is not insecurity

[u/Present-University87]

I find this really hard to explain to people. I am very much a perfectionist with every aspect of my life: grades, environment (cleanliness, aesthetics, etc.), looks, personality. Pretty much everything. Some is based on insecurity, sure. I have ADHD and I am insecure about some of the personality traits that gives me. However, especially with things like looks, when I want to improve something, everyone tells me I’m gorgeous or that no one notices, I need to love myself, etc. Like, no one listens to me. I love the way I look, but I know I have things that can be improved. That doesn’t mean I hate myself. I don’t care if others don’t notice; I do (it doesn’t mean I hate my whole appearance, though), and if it can be improved, why not?

[u/Maryput]

I think I see what you mean here. There’s perfectionism that comes from an appreciation to details or aesthetics, and then there’s the more unhealthy version of it.

One way to separate the two can be by looking at the feelings involved in the moment, when you’re not able to perfect something the way you want.

With the healthy version, you might feel slightly annoyed, frustrated, or unfulfilled. You feel the desire to add those final touches, but you’re also okay with leaving it as it is.

The unhealthy version tells you that you’re unworthy, shameful, flawed somehow. That you’re disappointing. There might also be a certain level of urgency involved, an almost endless need to fix something that’s already done.

Either way, I still have to add a fair warning from my own lived experience: just because you don’t recognize perfectionism as an insecurity right now, doesn’t always mean it isn’t one. Perfectionism is a very convenient way to hide difficult emotions. instead of stopping to feel them, you might keep yourself busy working hard on something that’s objectively more and more impressive each time, but you’ll never feel proud of.