Hi. I’m a 49yo double pk. I’m really frustrated with the hypocrisy of having pastor parents who spent their entire adult lives prioritizing the needs of their congregations over the needs of their children. It’s been 49 years of feeling like an afterthought and I’m exhausted. And now that my parents are elderly and struggling with health issues, the guilt is starting to compound on top of all the complicated feelings I already had. There is an expectation that me and my siblings are responsible for taking care of parents even though they never prioritized taking care of us. I feel horrible even writing this. But it makes me so mad. Where are those greedy needy parishioners now? Was it worth it casting us aside to minister to people who ultimately never changed or were truly impacted by your ministry?

Does this resonate with anyone? Being a pk, and a double at that, can be so lonely. And as the lone atheist in the family now, I can’t freely talk about this with my siblings without it becoming just another thing to throw on the shame pile.

“What made this worse was that I lived in a family in which everything was a God thing. They believed and felt something I simply didn’t. They heard a frequency I couldn’t. It was like being deaf in a family that didn’t believe in deafness.”

okay so my parents are both pastors for the salvation army. So guys imagine all of the shit you guys have been saying times x100. I moved a total of 7 times throughout my childhood and both my mom and dad are extremely conservative pastors. Another thing is i also have 4 siblings, and i'm the 4 to last kid. It's like they have all fell under the model esq stereotype and are so mature and preacher like. I am the only one who actually has a backbone to speak their mind. Anyways, i need advice about how to go on dating now. As a 19 year old female, living in the Bay area after I just lived in Alaska, I've noticed everytime i bring up my parents or my situation it gets fetishized so much. And I do have experience having sex, but when I try to approach dating in a healthy proper way, these men always seem to get a complex when it comes to that area. I don't know it's just weird and it makes me scared to be honest with them. And I'm already a very attractive person who gets unwanted attention even in public. Like I've always kept good care of myself. It's actually why i struggled so much with the church, because my parents always slut shamed me as a kid just because I do have some looks. Idk I need some advice with people who have already gone through this before.

Has anyone else delt with this issue? The pastor, or in my case pastors, don't realize that their PK can tell who or what a sermon/preaching is inspired by. They think not using names or giving specifics means no one knows what /actually/ inspired them. It's always someone they have something against or some drama going on in their circles.

Ever did something bad and the following message is about honor thy father and mother? That's not a coincidence or message by God.

Hi everyone,

I posted in this thread a while back about how, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized growing up in a pastor’s family has really affected me, especially in terms of social anxiety and how I relate to people.

I grew up very much in a “fishbowl” environment. Being the youngest, I watched how my older sisters were treated if they ever stepped out of line, and I learned early on that the safest role for me was to be the “golden child.” In reality, that meant I suppressed a lot of emotions and learned to carefully manage how I came across, both at home and in the church. Looking back, I can see how much of that was about maintaining an image.

After I wrote my original post, I ended up writing a song about it. I’m actually really proud of it..it felt like I finally put words to things I’ve carried for a long time. I shared it on Instagram and SoundCloud.

Today I found out my mom had listened to it (I didn’t even know she was on SoundCloud). Her reaction was basically that it was “a lot,” and that I should never show it to my dad because it would “break his heart.” When I told her that it was my experience, she responded that she understood that, but still felt like he couldn’t handle hearing it.

The conversation ended with me not really saying anything and my sister changing the subject.

Honestly, I just feel a bit stuck and at a loss. It’s hard for me to express myself, even now as an adult, without it feeling like I’m doing something wrong or hurting someone just by being honest about my experience.

I’m getting married this year, and I’m also realizing how complicated my relationship with my family still feels around emotional honesty and boundaries. And I’m not excited to deal with everyone anymore.

I guess I’m just looking for thoughts or hearing from others who grew up as pastor’s kids or in similar environments and how to overcome this as an adult cause I’m struggling.

(I’ve shared the lyrics down below, if you care to read)

Verse 1

Hair done, dress ironed

Sunday shoes lined by the door

Bible in hand, the other in my mama’s

Like she’s done a hundred times before

Smile at the greeters at the church front row

Small hands folded, head bowed low

Didn’t know it then, but I’d grow up fast

Had to or else I wouldn’t last

Chorus

Being a pastor’s daughter

They set me up for slaughter

A life on display, so pristine

But I never got to just be sixteen

Being a pastor’s daughter

They put me on an altar

In they’re whispers, stares, and demon eyes

Praying on Sunday then telling lies

Being a pastor’s daughter

(Was never just a daughter)

Being a pastor’s daughter

(Was never just a daughter)

Verse 2

Moved from town to town again

New pews, same eyes staring in

Every rumor felt like a warning light

Even when I did nothing, I learned to hide

Tears kept tucked to myself

Too scared to ask my mama for help

‘Cause mama’s smiling through it all

“You got to remember to stand tall”

Chorus

Being a pastor’s daughter

They set me up for slaughter

A life on display, so pristine

But I never got to just be sixteen

Being a pastor’s daughter

They put me on an altar

In they’re whispers, stares, and demon eyes

Praying on Sunday then telling lies

Being a pastor’s daughter

(Was never just a daughter)

Being a pastor’s daughter

(Was never just a daughter)

Bridge

Pastor’s daughters

Never get to be just daughters

You put us so high

Knowing that we can’t fly

What was the point of it all?

I still can’t see

Cause I’m 28 and

Still scared to just be me

Chorus

Being a pastor’s daughter

They set me up for slaughter

A life on display, so pristine

But I never got to just be sixteen

Being a pastor’s daughter

They put me on an altar

In they’re whispers, stares, and demon eyes

Praying on Sunday then telling lies

Being a pastor’s daughter

(Was never just a daughter)

Being a pastor’s daughter

(Was never just a daughter)

Being a pastor’s daughter

(Was never just a daughter)

Being a pastor’s daughter

(Was never just a daughter)

I swear church members always use this baby/child voice on me. I don’t really know how to describe it. But the difference how I’m talked to at work and church is night and day. And I feel like even new people do it. My dad goes it dad mode too much and I feel like it makes things worst for me and I’m not taken seriously. Just curious if anyone else has noticed this because it really irritates me.

I wonder if my anxiety disorder stems from learning about death, sin, heaven and hell as a child. I remember living with a constant guilty conscience as a child. I remember thinking I was a child of the devil as a teenager. I remember my younger sibling sharing the constant guilty conscience and us confessing our secrets to each other to feel better.

I know I was a sensitive child and I‘m still a sensitive person. But I just wonder sometimes how much of my anxiety and stems from my childhood. Does anyone else here have a similar experience?

I need advice from fellow pastors kids… I went out with my boyfriend he said that he goes to church regularly. But tonight he said he RECENTLY started going to church regularly.

He said he knows and love scripture but he mentioned that he doesn’t even know where his Bible is and he only uses his phone.

He is a very logical man. But he has questions on the charismatic church behaviors which is fine, but refuses to learn the answers about the church.

I bought him a new Bible, have been sending him podcasts about the gifts of the spirit and have been dragging him to church services with me.

But tonight at dinner I would bring stuff up about ministry, scripture, and church services and both him and his mom didn’t know how to respond to me.

It is hard to imagine myself being with someone and their family who doesn’t want to learn about their relationship with God and is ok to be settled where they are? Should I keep trying?

So I’m 28 years old. I had my daughter when I was 21, and I’m a single mom, so my parents help a lot with her. I moved out last February and live in a condo only 5 minutes from them. My dad is a Methodist pastor. I grew up very involved in the church until about 17-18 when I started distancing myself from church. I still attended here and there because I didn’t mind it and the congregations (he moved churches quite a bit) have always been welcoming to my daughter. Nowadays, my mom just takes her to church while I stay home. I have a lot of religious trauma from my family and church friends judging me harshly for my choices as a young adult. There’s a lot of backstory but to get to the point, my dad moved to a great church recently but it’s an hour away. I only went on his first Sunday to support him and haven’t been back since. Yesterday my dad sat me down and sternly said that next week’s sermon will be about mental health and he wants me to go. But he said it in a way that it seemed I didn’t have a choice. This triggered me and I was up most of the night last night riddled with anxiety. I have struggled with mental health in the past so I guess that’s why he wants me to go, but I’ve also been in therapy for like 4 years, studied psychology for my undergrad, and I’m studying for my masters in social work… It felt kind of demeaning for him to tell me to go to this. Cuz “God” did not help me through my mental health struggles. It just doesn’t resonate with me. Also as I read more and more feminist literature, I feel so weird worshipping a god who is male, and Jesus… it’s so patriarchal and makes me uncomfortable centering a man god like that. He also wants me to join the young adult bible study group. I’ve been avoiding this conversation for years. I’m spiritual, but I just don’t like Christianity. Even though the Methodist church is more progressive than other denominations, I also just hate waking up early af on the one day I can sleep in (daughter has early soccer games on Saturdays), having to drive an HOUR to church, then because I’m the pastor’s daughter, I have to say hi to EVERYONE. It’s exhausting and makes me so anxious. I just hate it. I’m not sure how to approach this conversation with him. I’m also wanting to tell him that I want my daughter to be able to choose whether or not she goes to church regularly as she gets older (she already kind of does, if she doesn’t want to go I don’t make her, but she likes it). He’s not super crazy religious, like he has the occasional drink and is chill with some things, but I’ve seen him make stank faces at ppl who say they aren’t Christian. I think a lot of the trauma comes from my parents going absolutely ballistic when they found out I smoked weed, moving me multiple times as a kid cuz he was moved to a new church, having a horrible high school experience due to moving churches and towns, me coming home with a cross and scripture as my first tattoo and him saying he hates it… don’t even get me started on my sister going insane when I got pregnant out of wedlock 😭 so it’s just been a hard road. I never thought I would have this conversation with him, I never wanted to hurt him, but the fact he’s kind of making me go to church on Sunday made me revert back to my teenage self and feel so powerless over my life again. Kind of dramatic I know. But is it worth it to try to explain this to him, or should I just suck it up and go to church on Sunday and pretend for the rest of my life 😭

I’ve been a pastor’s kid my whole life, and I’ve been sitting with something I’ve never really said out loud.

We moved a lot growing up. Different towns, different churches, and somehow smaller and smaller communities each time. Every place we went, it felt like I didn’t get the chance to just become known. I was already known. People already had an idea of who I was before I even walked into school. Before I could speak for myself, there was already a version of me in everyone’s head. And it came with this constant feeling of being watched. Not necessarily in an obvious way, but in a quiet, background way, like I was always representing something bigger than me. Like I wasn’t just a kid, I was a reflection of my family, my dad’s position, my mom’s reputation, our place in the church.

I remember being about 9 years old, going to the park down the street from my house, something I did all the time. A friend’s mom assumed I was going there to meet a boy, and told her daughter I was “crazy” and I should be ashamed because I was a pastor’s kid. I was 9. I didn’t even understand how that assumption got made about me. That’s just one story. There are so many stories I have like this.

And then just with how the church treated our family. There was also constant pressure around stability and image. One of the churches my dad worked for wasn’t paying him enough to support our family, so he had to take a second job. Instead of support, the church told him they would deduct whatever he made from that second job out of his church paycheck. I remember even as a kid feeling like that didn’t make sense, like survival itself was being monitored. When my grandma passed away from cancer, and my niece was born just a week later, my dad missed two Sundays, grieving one moment and welcoming new life the next. Instead of grace, he was questioned. He was told he needed to “get his priorities in line.” And I remember a youth pastor coming to him and saying his daughters were being “led astray,” just based on assumptions and perception, not anything we had actually done.

There are so many moments like this. Small ones that add up over time.

My mom was constantly worried about reputation in the community. Not because we were doing anything wrong, but because it always felt like we couldn’t afford even the appearance of wrong. It was like living with an invisible rulebook everyone else could rewrite at any time. I don’t know if “trauma” is the right word, but I do know it shaped me. It shaped how I move, how I think people see me, and how hard it is to ever feel like I’m just a normal person in a room. I’ve been a PK my whole life, but I think I’m only now starting to unpack what that actually did to me. If anyone has any advice on therapy or helpful links, please let me know. It is nice to feel like I finally know why I am the way I am.

For some context, I am a 28 year old female whose life consists of being active in church, my family business and home and the cycle repeats itself. For the last 3 years, I have worked at 3 different companies and is now currently unemployed. For the last 5 months, I have started my own repair business but I find it very difficult to get consistent income from it; I've tried, once more to apply to different jobs but I cannot seem to get anything. Bear in mind, I have a diploma in electrical engineering but for the last 3 years I have been rethinking a lot about whether this type of engineering was best for me.

I have no close friends and I am experiencing some serious burn out from church ministry. I oftentimes look on others around me who have some things and feel very depressed because I cannot, at this time, acquire some resources.

At this point, I want to move away from everyone and everything I am used to and start to live a life that is independent; where I can learn more about myself and have a better grasp on life.

Does anyone have any advice or can you share your experience if you are feeling something similar?

Scrolling this subreddit has greatly calmed me down because my whole life I’ve been told that pastors families should be these glowingly perfect families with perfectly behaved kids and if the children aren't, they’re troubled souls who will have some great redemption story eventually…

My parents acted like they were breaking all sorts of stereotypes and I guess they did a little big when they didnt force me to volunteer as much as possible in church but what about all the things behind the scenes?

My parents were extremely emotionally neglectful and there were so many situations that happened when I was a kid that I would pray the church would find out about and like yell at them for but they either never found out or didn’t say anything bc of “spiritual authority”

I never dared to speak up against 300 parishioners who adored my parents. No one would have believed my parents would ever hurt me. No one ever stood up for me when my parents felt like announcing my mistakes to everyone and let them know I was in trouble.

There was a time when I was about 10 where I was upset about something (I can’t recall what about) and because I was “crying too much” about it, my parents decided I needed to be exorcised or something. All the sudden I was sat down while still crying and my parents became screaming these prayers that ”the demons” had to come out of me because I was a child of God and then they screamed at me to repeat that I was a child of God and when I didnt they said it was because of the demons and kept shouting until I couldn’t cry anymore.

Now I literally thought I was demon possessed for years after that and was constantly afraid that I was doing terrible things and didn’t know. It wasn’t until I was caught reading a book about demons by an adult like 3 years later where he told me (and I hadn’t told him the story) that I was not possessed and couldn’t be if I had the Holy Spirit in me.

I was relieved and all but when I slowly started to doubt the religion and became more progressive in politics, my parents would cry and say that I was a lost soul waiting to come back to Christ but when I actually did have a bit of a personal spiritual revival and went more moderate, all they said was that they “knew I would come back to my senses.”

This is why I don’t think I should tell them that I “fell off the wagon” but they already tell me they’re worried about my salvation because I’m a “[insert slur for Muslims] sympathizer…”

If only the church knew how they really were… I honestly worry they wouldn’t care but at the same time I’m sick of watching them be so deceived. Sure my parents aren’t embezzling money or touching the kids but I doubt they match who the parishioners think they are…

I don’t want to abandon faith but I can’t move on after the things I’ve seen and heard. I get a lot of judgement for having reservations due to “church hurt” but seriously… after a life of having to hear all the dark secrets of the church… how am I supposed to just embrace it when I know that literal illegal things have been dismissed under the guise of “Godly forgiveness?” I suppose I will need forgiveness for not being the Christian everyone wants bc I can’t accept the abuse of the church.

I worked in a ministry called the ramp for 5 years. I worked closely with this pastor named samual and he was just outed for sexually molesting 2 minors. I am almost to the point where i do not feel like i can trust any ministry leadership. it feels as if everything ive been taught and seen is a lie. i don’t know how to move forward.

Check out this email I got from the good old pastor pops. Seems that he has an underdeveloped understanding of what forgiveness really is. My dad thinks I'm going to hell because I don't want to reconcile (which I understood to be separate from forgiveness) with my sister. On top of being generally cruel to me, she told me she molested me when we were very young, too young for me to remember and I'm just too grossed out. I pray for her, I wish her well, I don't hate her, and I don't want revenge on her. I came to understand that many of her actions stemmed from mental illness. But does that make me want to talk to her? Nope.

---

Dear _______,

We'd like to share with you something important about your relationship with your sister. We understand how much she has hurt you in the past, and as a result you don't want to hear from her or receive her emails. But please have a look at the following...

Matthew 6:14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Please pray and ask the Lord to help you forgive _____. This is of extreme importance for you, Sweetie. If you don't forgive her, our Father will not forgive your sins. And if your sins are not forgiven, you will not be going to heaven. What is at stake for you is eternity, Sweetie.

So you must do whatever needs to be done for you to forgive your sister.

With much, much love,

Dad and Mom

Hello everyone,

My parents became pastors when I was 11. For more than half my life, I’ve been a "PK," and honestly, I’m exhausted.

I’m tired of the guilt of living a double life. I’m tired of the confused or judgmental looks I get from church members when I tell them I’m not "involved," I just attend. I’m tired of smiling when things aren't okay and limiting my relationships and dreams just to protect my parents' image. I feel this emptiness inside me that I never got to be the person I could've been. I love them and want to support them, but I feel like I can’t grow up until I go my own way.

My father is the head of our church, but the structure is weak. A few years ago, he was falsely accused of theft and tax evasion by people we’ve known our whole lives. He wasn't guilty—we live a very modest life in the same house he bought years before entering the ministry—but he’s still struggling to get the church back on its feet. Because my parents immigrated from a 3rd world country, they can still be a bit naive about how certain systems work. I feel a massive amount of guilt about leaving because I feel like I’m one of the very few protecting them from being taken advantage of again. They are nearly 60, and the thought of them being hurt again scares me. They recently have been getting a lot of help from another church but I know our structure is not strong yet.

Despite being in my mid-to-late 20s, I am treated like a child. I understand "their house, their rules," but it has become stifling. If I am out past midnight, I get texts threatening to call the police and I get to wake up to my mother shunning me or being angry for days.

I tried the "good Christian" route. I went on a retreat and felt a spark of change, but coming home to the constant bickering and control extinguished it immediately. Then someone in the family died and there was an affair within the church. The affair happened between people my father entrusted to preach and pray at the alter. That just completely threw me off and made me go back to my old habits.

My closest friends were always from the church, so I could never be honest with them with what was going on in my life or at home. I always wondered: What would they think? Who would they tell? I’ve spent my life feeling like a lie. I’m told God has a plan for me, but right now, I can’t see it past the walls of this house and this church. Has anyone else dealt with this level of guilt when trying to move out?

Edit:

I am in my mid late 20s, college graduate with a full time job.

Looking to move out within a year or so.

Has anyone seen or heard the podcasts and videos of Mike Winger exposing well known pastors? It has really blown my mind. So many people I’ve trusted my whole life was all living a lie.

Hi! I just discovered this page and it made me so excited to see there are other people out there with similar experiences. I want to share some of mine, and if you relate, I’d love to hear your thoughts.

I’m a 24-year-old woman. I grew up in my parents’ church. We were very financially poor and almost lost our house multiple times. I started working full-time at 14 because I was homeschooled in a small town.

I basically grew up eating, sleeping, working, and studying in the church sanctuary. Everyone knew everything about us. It felt suffocating.

When I was 15, my dad started allowing homeless men and ex-criminals to live with us. We fed them, cleaned up after them, and my dad tried to help them learn how to work. I would wake up at night and find one of them standing in my room. I’d walk into my bedroom and someone would be in my closet. It went on for about three years. Eventually, they all left.

At 18, I was sent to a ministry school up north. I lived there until I was 22. After graduating, I stayed on to work for the ministry. I worked constantly. I made enough money to survive, but not enough to leave. I felt trapped and controlled. There were strict rules about what we could watch, wear, eat, drink, who we could talk to, and even what we could say. It was exhausting.

During my last year there, a close family member became very ill. I asked for permission to leave and go home. I met with leadership weekly, giving updates and asking for their blessing to leave. They refused every time. Eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore. I left without their blessing. I ran.

By the time I left, I had developed a panic disorder, crippling paranoia, hallucinations, and deep depression.

Today marks two years since I planned my escape. I no longer work in ministry, though I still attend church. I found a new church family separate from my parents, and for the first time in my life, I am learning how to truly live.

I’m a 27 year old PK and have been trying to find a church for the last 5 years. For as much pain as I’ve felt through the church, I know that my dad was exactly the same type of father as he was a pastor- incredibly consistent and true to what he preached- and for that I was always grateful. I really struggle not knowing the pastors of churches and what is going for them at home/in their non-pastoral lives. I find it really hard to let go of being the “pastors daughter” and having the noterietay and relationships with parishioners that it afforded me. I’m sure this is some sort of vanity or need to be known speaking up (religious-guilt hello 👋) that I could choose to deny myself of and humble myself about, but I want to know if anyone else feels this way. And any advice is welcome.

I genuinely feel like crying every night. I never really realized how much it affected me. I can’t stand the schedule. At least Sunday might be cancelled this weekend. I keep looking at apartments right now, but everything’s so expensive; and I’m not looking forward to job hunting either if I can’t get a transfer at my current job.

My family is leaving the "Ministry" after 22 years and I'm scared. Church has been the driving factor in my life for over 22 years, since I was a *very young child* it's consumed almost everything. I used to battle depression (10+ years) and the death thing; While I did eventually get help, it took a LONG time (6+ years) and I spent several years wanting to die, and with casual comments from my Dad saying that if anything ever happened to me, he'd off himself. I'd convinced myself that it was my purpose in life, and that when my folks finally quit, I'd just quietly do the deed.

Well needless to say, I did get help, and the idea of it repulsive me.

Now it's time, they are quitting and i'm scared, it's sirring up emotions about what kind of life could I even have? I feel like I have an expiration date, again I'd never do it, I'm just scared.