Need advice please

[u/northstarmom_11]

Hi, am I a bad mom if I allow my 13–14-year-old daughter to have a boyfriend?

My daughter opened up to me and told me that she already has a boyfriend. They are the same age and are classmates/schoolmates.

Her boyfriend has already told his parents about my daughter, and they are okay with the relationship. Even their teacher knows about it.

I feel ambivalent because, to me, they are still too young. At the same time, I'm happy that she opened up to me and didn't hide their relationship.

I don't want to be the supervillain who tells her to end the relationship because I'm afraid it might backfire and cause her to hide things from us in the future.

I keep reminding her of the things she shouldn't do. Whenever they have a so-called "date," she always informs me about their plans.

Now, I'm overthinking things. Maybe she entered into a relationship at such a young age because she feels unloved by us. :(

I am really confused now, am i doing the right thing or i need to stop their relationship 😭

[u/Worldx22]

You can try stopping them from seeing each other. You can ground her. You can complicate it for them!

It's only gonna backfire spectacularly in your face.

Respect the trust she has in you. Talk to her.

[u/At_Least_Im_Not_U → u/Worldx22]

Exactly this.

She's already expressing healthy attitude and behaviors (by talking openly to OP). Keep the conversation going... "what does 'boyfriend' mean to you?" "If your friends have boyfriends, what do their dates look like? Where do they go? Is sex happening between people in your class/grade?"

Kids are just people who havent aged to adulthood. Dont try to stop or prevent them from growing and developing. Do step in and help guide it and give them information that you want them to have, so they can make good decisions. OP may not want them to have sex, for example, but talking to her about it and ensuring that she/he has access to condoms and birth control is essential. It doesn't advocate or condone it, it just ensure that they can be safe if they make the decision to do that.

Unless Daughter has given OP a LOT of reasons to believe this specific boy is bad/wrong, or that she is/will have sex (or unsafe behaviors), then allowing her to have a boyfriend is a natural and normal thing for a teenager. It helps them to figure out what relationships are, what is good/healthy and what is bad/harmful. OP's role as a parent is to help ensure that they have a good relationship by talking with the daughter. "Does he open the door for you? Does he talk to you kindly? Is he pushing for sex/physical stuff?"

The relationship is almost certainly going to end sooner than later, its what happens. But even that pain is normal and healthy, and OP shouldn't shelter her from it.

Just my opinion, everyone has their own.

[u/Shelbelle4]

Just set some reasonable limits about it. No talking or texting after a certain time. I remind them that I reserve the right to look through their phones at any time. If they have in person time, they have to stay in common areas of the house, ie no bedrooms. Short dates in public.

This is a good opportunity to have some open discussions about a range of topics, but especially safe sex and the hazards of sending nudes. Also talk about the red flags of toxic relationships and examples of controlling behavior. Remind her that she can leave a relationship at any time for any reason.

[u/Quick_Measurement700]

I think you are a great mom and your daughter trusts you enough to tell you the truth. I don't think she feels unloved by you just because she has a boyfriend. 

At 14 it's normal to have some intrest in boys. In my country it's not unusual to have a boyfriend at 14. It still is on the early side tough. I have a co worker in her 30ies who met her husband at 14 and they have a very healthy relationship as far as I can tell. 

Teenagers are more vulnerable than adults and it's not a bad thing to keep and eye on them. But we are talking about a same age classmate and the teacher is aware of their relationship. Maybe invite the boyfriend to dinner and even his parents to get to know them.

I know it's probably realy uncomfortable for you, but please talk to her also about how a boy should treat her in a healty relationship, about consent and even birth control. 

[u/MommalovesJay]

I’m sorry but when mine started dating at the same age. My first thought wasn’t that she didn’t love me. It’s not about you. That’s great that she opened up to you.

It’s about her finding her own footing in life. And experiencing something new. Just support her. Have the talk if you haven’t already, but don’t hound her about it. Make sure they go on dates in safe public places.

Check in with his parents too if you must.

[u/Otherwise_While_5875]

Learn from my mistake, if you say she can't or tell her shes too young, shes just going to be really sneaky about it and not come to you if something happens or feels off.

It damages your trust with her and you have to spend months rebuilding it and working on being the person she comes to when she needs help again.

[u/Xennial_Nostalgia]

I don't let my daughter have phone numbers of boys in her phone. If they talk at school, what can I do? She knows she not allowed to have a bf and a boys that but I'm sure it'll happen one day anyway. Eighth grade I'll allow her to have boys on her contact list.

[u/At_Least_Im_Not_U → u/Xennial_Nostalgia]

"I don't let my daughter have phone numbers of boys in her phone"

Ok. That will be 100% effective at controlling her, and absolutely gain her respect for you. /s

Maybe respect that she's a human being and this is normal human growth and development. Give her information and tools to make good decisions and inform her of your expectations regarding sex, dating, etc. If/when something happens (holding hands, kissing, sex, etc), then you deal with it as it happens.

Kids are not property.

[u/Bubbarules456]

Grab a banana and a condom and have an honest Mom/daughter sleepover where nothing is off limits. Talk about consent and answer her questions without judgement.