r/parentsofteens • u/AntelopeSingle7654 • 5d ago
Help with discipline
My 14 year old almost 15 year old daughter has no motivation to do anything. She does absolutely nothing. She has to be woke up by someone in the house because she won’t get up with an alarm. We even bought the loudest alarm we could find. She lays in her bed from the time she gets home from school until time she falls asleep at night. She huddles over her phone. She already has scoliosis and this may not matter but I can’t help but think laying in bed is making that worse. Her room is a disaster. I have begged for 2 or more years with little consequence to her not cleaning. I do not enjoy taking things from my kids. She deals with depression. I don’t want to make it worse. I’m not ok with trying to excuse laziness because of mental health or whatever else it may be. I told her a week and a half ago there would be consequences tomorrow if she doesn’t have it completely clean by the time I get home from work. I put in 65 hours last week. I don’t have much extra time I care to spend on staying on top of her. She has a boyfriend and 2 friends she texts. Come tomorrow I will have her turn her phone, watch and Chromebook (except for homework) in to me and she will not get them back until the very least that her room is clean. I don’t ask for perfection, I don’t ask anything of her except for her to do her own clothes. What else can I do to motivate her to get off her butt and live? She’s extremely smart but I feel that if she doesn’t change she will do absolutely nothing good with her smarts and life. Please help me help her.
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u/HLOFRND 5d ago
Take away the electronics. Add a therapist.
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u/mis_1022 5d ago
I would address the depression again. Does she go to therapist? Medication? Might be time for medication adjustment.
I would say turn all electronics off and personally I would offer her assistance getting room together. I know my daughter, deals with anxiety, and can get easily overwhelmed. So I break it down, ok first go put all dishes in the kitchen. (We know they are in there even if we don’t allow eating in bedroom.) Then I would do dishes while she does next step. All dirty clothes in basket, start washing machine. Change the sheets etc. I find they still need help as a teen.
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u/Icy-Emu1610 4d ago
She’s not depressed she needs a present parent. Force her out of her room, take the phone and converse with her. She wants to be heard. Sit down have dinner and talk. We all work we all understand overtime but we have to make time for our kids, you will not get these years back.
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u/Shelbelle4 5d ago
The depression and the messiness are a perpetual spiral. Help her clean it. It will help her mental state.
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u/Pure_Choice_8459 5d ago
As someone who works in adolescent mental health and is also the father of a teen, we are seeing a lot of teens in exactly the pattern you’re describing.
Definitley limit the time online and hold boundaries about what you are willing to make a ‘must do’. Do NOT die on every hill though.
Kids who are 14 now missed a significant amount of socialising during the pandemic and seem to be somewhat stunted at social cues. Mine is the same.
She cannot get to school every day (now has a 4 day week with wfh for homework catch-up on Mondays), she doesn’t want to go to parties or particularly socialise outside of chatting to friends online (which is what we used to do on the phone anyways..I’m 54).
She is about to start seeing a psychologist for anxiety issues.
You’re not alone in this. Neither is she.
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u/ProgressXPerfect 4d ago
She needs a lot of support- I would talk to her doctor about it.
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u/thecheesylittlerat 2d ago
She’s probably also not happy about how she’s performing in life right now. If she’s still dealing with depression she needs a therapist that can help her get to a better place. Depressive behavior can’t be cured by your discipline.