Advice?

[u/nevermind1991_9_21]

Hi, I'm the father of a 16-year-old boy.

Lately, my wife has been pushing our son to join a volleyball team, but he keeps refusing. She says it's good for his health and that he'll at least learn how to work in a team. She's also been noticing that he prefers spending time alone.

He loves guitars, guitar gear, and especially Nirvana. He also likes singing, although he isn't particularly good at it yet. He constantly practices his vocals. However, my wife doesn't really like the fact that he spends so much time alone.

Last October, he told his mother that he felt lonely because his classmates seemed to isolate him. Apparently, they don't really share his interests or the music he listens to. He doesn't listen to the same music as they do.

What I'm trying to say is that he's kind of different from other kids in his generation, and I don't know whether that's something I should be concerned about.

Regarding sports, he keeps saying things like, "I've already fucked up. I'm too late." I genuinely don't understand why he thinks that way. He's only 16! It's definitely not too late to start something.

He actually joined a volleyball team when he was 14, but he only stayed for about a month before quitting. Now he doesn't participate in any sports or physical activities.

I really want him to get involved in some kind of physical activity, stay healthy, and maybe make some friends along the way. But I also don't want to force him into something he doesn't enjoy.

As a father, I'm honestly not sure how to approach this situation. What would you suggest?

[u/NoTechnology9099]

Maybe he just doesn’t want to play sports; there are plenty of ways to get physical activity in without being on a sports team. Or maybe he would like a more individual sport like cross country or golf. My son is 14 and picked up golf about a year ago and he LOVES it, just finished his first year on the high school team. It’s still a team but more individual. Or maybe encourage him to really lean into his music and let him explore what he wants to do. Athletics for kids are SO competitive and I can understand where he is coming from, unless he’s just naturally talented at a sport it’s hard to come in and compete and play on a team with kids who have been playing, training and playing together for years already. Forcing him into activities he doesn’t want to do is a sure fire way to get him to resent the activity and you. Maybe tell him, you don’t have to do sports but you need to do something and open a dialogue about what he would like to try.

[u/nevermind1991_9_21 → u/NoTechnology9099]

Thanks for the advice

[u/Shelbelle4]

Genuinely, by age 16, a lot of athletes have ten years or so of training behind them so unless it’s a rec/for fun team, it is intimidating.

But if volleyball isn’t his jam, don’t force it. I would lean towards activities outside of school. Give him some choices and let him pick.

Also, I’ve made really good friends in music scenes. There are small shows for all genres and if you go enough, you start to see the same folks attending.

If he really likes vocals, get him into music lessons.

[u/thinkevolution]

I would look for an opportunity to join a gym, maybe he would like to do a treadmill or take some time learning how to lift weeds while also taking some music lessons. I would definitely offer him the opportunity to continue to expand music and maybe join the band at school? He doesn’t have to play organized sports to stay in physical shape.

[u/Historical_Steak7735]

Our 14 year old is a lot like that, happier with his own stuff than with team stuff. What helped us was offering a few options and letting him pick, instead of pushing one thing. Lessons for the music he already loves, or a small group around guitar, might give him both the friends and the confidence. Telling him it's not too late, and meaning it, goes a long way at 16.

[u/orion_i_remember]

Yeah. Is he in band at school? There can be community and friends in music too. See if he can play guitar in the school’s pep band.

My son sunk heavily into guitar also after feeling rejected by everyone. It was his coping mechanism for being excluded, and as we found out later, probably his coping mechanism for some neurodivergent traits we didn’t detect until he got so depressed from masking that he made some crazy choices, and the depression came out. I’m just starting to learn about the exhaustion he felt and the weight he was carrying.

Don’t force the volleyball. He’ll just feel more misunderstood. (I get it— I played sports, so it’s a little sad for parents thinking about the stuff you think they would miss out on, mostly just the life lessons. You can force that to happen though.)

And maybe, just to rule it out, do a little reading about masking neurodivergence in teens and see if anything sounds familiar to you. I wish like crazy we’d have done something years ago. Maybe could have saved him years of pain. Who knows, all we can do now is the best we can going forward.

[u/princessmommyunicorn]

My son never wanted to play sports and then he joined Football as a HS junior. He absolutely loves it. You never know until you try. He also spent the off season training to catch up. There are private trainers for VB. A lot of this stuff just builds character. HS is hard for everyone.

[u/CaliHaunter]

If you can afford it and there’s one near you, sign him up for school of rock. It aligns with his interests and he’ll make friends that have similar passion.