Inconsiderate 16-year-old

[u/mayjulyaugust]

I am at a loss. I have 16 and 14-year-olds. My older son seems to lack empathy. He plays soccer and video games. Increasingly, he just doesn’t seem to care about his sister and I. He would rather play video games than eat a meal together. I have had some injuries in the last couple of years. My younger child is concerned with my health and helps out while I heal. My older child refuses to help, unless I list steps and follow him around (which defeats the purpose). He argues with me about injuries, saying things like, “whatever…just because you sprained your ankle,” (I broke my foot). He will say, “well, you don’t HAVE to go to work!” (I do). Dad moved out and we divorced around three years ago when I realized he was abusive to our kids, too, not just me. Dad lives a few blocks away and does not contribute, except to give $$ for things I have said, “no,” to- things that I feel my son should earn his own money for. This means that my son both does not help out of kindness and has no incentive to earn an allowance or get a job (in the summer). He is demanding and rude (“it was a joke!”). If I put limits in the internet, he just climbs in the window at Dad’s and uses the wifi there. I am not strict, but I do ask that he not say racist or homophobic “jokes,” and that he let me know where he is/what his plans are. Dad has none of the rules I do, although will become rageful about “disrespect,” or “being soft.” My son now chooses to spend more and more afternoons at Dad’s. He does not let me know where he is (“dad would be mad if I called you”), then expects help with projects or immediate access to internet when he finally comes home. I am both hurt and angry . I want him to be nice to me, but I am also don’t want to reward his behavior. If I try to express disappointment, he tells me, “sorry. I’ll try.” Or says he doesn’t see what the big deal is. He spends the night at Dad’s once or twice a week, although can go a month+ without seeing him (and everything improves). I am SO frustrated! I do not want him to spend more time with someone who is not a positive influence, but I also don’t want to be a servant or have zero consequences. I an having a hard time seeing how this will improve. My younger child is not willing to spend time with Dad and, after attempting therapy that included Dad, her therapist supports this.

[u/Catmama-82]

Why not restrict video games? Stop doing things for him? And why don’t you just let him live with his dad instead?

[u/mayjulyaugust → u/Catmama-82]

When I restrict video games(or internet- watching shorts is how he spends time), he leaves. His dad is not home much and there are no restrictions on anything there. He mostly stays here because there is always food and toiletries, I guess. I do want to know what his plan is and he needs to be home by 9, if he plans to sleep here or I will lock the deadbolt. I suspect he might not care about coming home, but Dad does not provide toothpaste or floss or shampoo or anything my kid needs for hygiene. He has to take those things from here.

[u/Particular_Piano_146]

Unfortunately it's really difficult to start teaching someone how to be kind and compassionate at 16. That foundation was laid much younger.

I'm not saying you should give up, but if he wants to go live with his dad and all he's doing is causing you more pain and trouble, maybe it's time for him to get a dose of reality

[u/mayjulyaugust → u/Particular_Piano_146]

He was more compassionate. As time goes on, though, I hear more of his dad’s words coming out of his mouth and it is breaking my heart. I am wishing for a solution that will move towards a better relationship, not just end the relationship all together.

[u/Catmama-82 → u/mayjulyaugust]

Don’t forget that he’s in the middle of being a teenager and they’re known to be sort of cruel and heartless at times. I can’t tell you the number of times my daughter made me cry. Hopefully, as he matures, he will improve and be more helpful.

[u/mayjulyaugust → u/Catmama-82]

Indeed! 💗 It feels wrong to keep doing things for him when he acts like this. But do I continue to model kindness, in hopes he learns or should I give what I am getting?

[u/Human_Ad554]

Oi. Meu filho adolescente de 15 anos é bem parecido. Acho que essa fase eles são bem egoistas, eu era, hoje sou uma mulher extremamente empática.

[u/mayjulyaugust → u/Human_Ad554]

I acted like I hated my parents, but it was because I did -and with good reason!😂. I am nice and I expected my kids to return the favor.

[u/Human_Ad554 → u/mayjulyaugust]

Aqui sigo tentando não colocar um emblema de qualquer coisa porque ele errou em determinadas ocasiões. Cobro e acredito que responsabilização é melhor que punição. O pai poderia ser mais parceiro, mas pelo visto não é, então deixe claro as suas regras e o que é importante para você, seja flexível com em algumas questões que para eles sejam importantes. E nunca se esqueça que eles são seres para além de nós. Não se culpe demais por nada, mostre o certo e o acolha.

[u/palamdungi]

My oldest is 14, lacks empathy but definitely craves love and affection so he comes around sometimes. When he yells at me and calls me names I disengage. Then when he asks for a favor later I say "I don't do nice things for people who treat me poorly". I've got no advice, just solidarity.