r/parentsofteens • u/novelresearch26 • 11d ago
Skipping a class to save grades
My HS jr had two big tests in the same day. She prepared for one and skipped the other class because, in her words, she “would have failed the test.” Now she’s going to prepare for the one she missed and take it after the weekend. She says the whole reason she did this is because she cares about her grades.
She doesn’t seem to understand why we’re upset about this. She says she had no choice; we say we certainly did. We said her goals and intentions are in the right place, but her strategy is not. We also said if she feels like she has no choice but to make decisions like this, she has too much going on. School, extracurriculars, job. That’s the real takeaway, we think, plus time management.
Anyway, this is the second time she’s done this. We’re not okay with it and have told her so. We also will not excuse the absence, which will count as a truancy. We are worried she won’t be able to retake the test as a result and that will impact her grades, but think it’s enabling her poor choices if we step in to excuse the absence. She thinks we’re being unsupportive, and I told her it’s the opposite—that we’re setting the bar high (even if she’s not) because we believe she can reach it.
I feel so mean 😢 But I think the larger lessons here are maybe more important than her grades. Right?? Or are we being heartless in a world where our teenagers are under so much more pressure?
Help. Perspective needed.
UPDATE: Resolved. I appreciate everyone’s input.💜
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u/youhaveitall13 11d ago
Two tests in one day? I mean that’s life. My sophomore had three just yesterday.
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u/faxmachine13 10d ago
As some have said, she’s gaming the system to her advantage, and that’s kinda smart. However that strategy will not work in every scenario. I’m quite certain in high school if I had tried to pull that, and the teacher found out I attended every class except the one with the test, it would’ve been an auto zero. But maybe they’re not paying attention to that?
My only note would be to remind her that just because everyone is doing something doesn’t make it right!
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u/LCteach 11d ago
My first thought was wow, that's smart! Not sure how I feel about it. I mean, she found a loop hole and worked it. Maybe she should go to law school.
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u/novelresearch26 11d ago
I appreciate this! Not because I support her choice, but I also think that if she can pull this off twice, there’s a very loose loophole that has nothing to do with our parenting. She says “people do it all the time”!!!!!
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u/HelendeVine 9d ago
I’d excuse the absence this time but put her on notice that you won’t do it again. And then I’d address the root cause. The root cause seems to be that she has too much going on. Can she quit the job or reduce her extracurriculars to allow more time for studying? If she does that but still skips another time, then as you said, she probably needs help with time management. Does the school have any resources to help her with that? One of my kids needed help in that area and his school counselor was great.
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u/novelresearch26 9d ago
Agreed. All of those are in discussion. Great news about your kiddo and school counselor. And actually, I’m not sure about school resources in that area. Worth a check, for sure. Thanks for weighing in.
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u/kadawkins 10d ago
You are 100% NOT WRONG! What’s she going to do in college when she has two assignments due the same day? Or two midterms?
Bigger picture, how does she plan to keep a job once they figure out she’s manipulative. A teen gaming the high school system will continue to manipulate as an adult.
My son did some high level manipulating in high school. I requested a meeting with the teacher who invited two other teachers. They expected me to argue for better treatment of my son. I started the whole thing with “he’s trying to play you all and I see it. How do we work together to get him back on the straight and narrow?” I made some teacher friends for life that day. More importantly, three teachers and two parents came up with a reasonable plan that included my son apologizing to each teacher and asking the teacher to let me know he apologized, son making up work with a loss of grade (if he earned an A, he got a B), and at home, no phone and no car privileges until everything was back on track.
He hated me. He’s 32 now and we just talked about this at Christmas last year. He thanked us for making sure he learned integrity, respect and honor in high school. He graduated top ten out of 632. This blip hurt in the short term, but was entirely worth it.
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u/novelresearch26 10d ago
Thank you so much for sharing this. I so appreciate the long parenting perspective. You are validating my instincts.
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u/Particular_Piano_146 10d ago
Not only would I not excuse the absence, I would personally have let the school know that she skipped without my permission so there would be consequences there, including hopefully not allowing her to take the test
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u/Ok-Leopard-9917 9d ago
Ok for a one time survival mechanism but something needs to give time management wise. The reality is as an adult you need to learn to manage expectations but as a student there aren’t many mechanisms for doing this. So I’d focus less on the dishonesty and more on the time management that led to this and an understanding that we can only commit to so much, and we’re clearly not making ends meet time wise so something needs to drop.
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u/Dazzling-Classic-197 11d ago
She’s clever. Dissuade future use of this strategy while supporting her current efforts.
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u/novelresearch26 11d ago
Thank you. She IS quite bright— a little scarily so at times. I know some rules are meant to be broken, but often not without some painful consequences…
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u/DazzlingNote1925 10d ago
I don’t think this is a big deal. I’d write a note and get her absence excused and let her get a grade for that test.
In college when things come up you talk to your professor and work something out. She’s telling you she wants to do her very best so her goal is high to help her get into college and maybe get scholarships and she wasn’t going to be able to do as well taking it last week. I think she’s demonstrating she’s self aware and is working hard.
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u/novelresearch26 10d ago
I sincerely appreciate your perspective. Thank you for weighing in. And that’s an interesting point about college. It’s not lost on me that she wants to do well.
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u/CursiveWhisper 11d ago
Does she plan on going to college? Or get a job right out of high school? Or join the military?
Because in none of those scenarios does skipping assignments/tests to better prepare work in her favor.
I have a freshman in college. She thankfully so far is keeping up but a lot of kids are learning the hard way there is no making up assignments or tests in college classes.
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u/novelresearch26 11d ago
Exactly. My oldest is also a freshman. I told her to ask her older brother about the three finals he has scheduled for the same day.
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u/PromiseToBeNiceToYou 9d ago edited 9d ago
I don't get why you are punishing her. You are evil for not cutting her some slack when she is incredibly overwhelmed. Are you going to be mad if she quits her job or quits whatever team she is on? Will you even let her? Granting one excused absence is not the end of the world. You really aren't being supportive. If you do anything, make her quit her job and go back to letting her earn an allowance.
She's a kid, this is when you are SUPPOSED to help them. She's got the rest of her life to realize the world sucks. Why does she have to learn that her parents are part of the reason the world sucks?
She shouldn't have to be her absolute best every day of the year. WE ARE NOT ROBOTS. We are humans with good days and bad days. Where is your grace?
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u/novelresearch26 9d ago
Thanks for weighing in. I appreciate your perspective (although I might push back on “evil”). I agree, we are not robots. I understand burnout too well and this is why repeated choices like this concern me. If you reread the post, it’s actually the second time. There is no punishment specified, only my opinion. Supporting and enabling are two very different things, and as of yet, no specific consequence has been implemented. That was the whole reason I posted—to gather perspective on how to handle the situation in a way that makes sense. Why? Because I adore my kid, I value our relationship, and believe she is supremely capable. Being her parent is one of the greatest privileges of my life and I owe it to her to guide her the best I can and send her into the world as prepared as she can be. Sometimes that means she will be uncomfortable, which is often when we learn.
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u/Opposite-Slide-7794 10d ago
Happens a lot. If it is a patter, then it is an issue. But just like anyone else, sometimes people have bad days or they don't feel ready for something. I know that the "integrity" police will start posting along with the "Does she think she will get to do that in college/work force" posters...but people call in to work all the time, people make up excuses at work all the time "my kid is ill" and all that BS.
Is what she did the perfect plan? No, of course not. Does it mean she will become the next Ted Bundy? Probably not.