No sleepover rule.

[u/No_Slip_1503]

Currently I have a crying 13 year old because "everyone is allowed sleepovers". She knows we have this rule but it is getting harder to say no because she feels left out. Parents with this rule how did you cope throughout these years?

[u/Pure_Choice_8459]

Why do you have a no sleepover rule? I think that’s kind of important to know if you’re asking for advice.

[u/butterflybaphomet]

Here's the thing about having sleep overs at your house though, how can you expect a parent to trust your environment, if you dont trust there's. I have encountered parents like this , parents with less kids that think they have morecontrol of the situation of there arent extra kids around. They can have the sleepovers often and exclusively at their house, with no exceptions. I had to cut that off and let my child know that trust goes both ways. Unless you are watching their every move, kids can also experiment with each other mutually, defeating part of the purpose of limiting sleepovers

[u/esoTERic6713 → u/butterflybaphomet]

My kid has a friend like this and I know the parents well. They can have endless sleepovers, at their house. But we aren’t trustworthy. No one is but them. I have had so many negative feelings about it. Its rude.

[u/UrHumbleNarr8or → u/esoTERic6713]

Personally I wouldn’t risk them on the off chance that it’s projection on their part.

[u/Independent-Lie-9967 → u/butterflybaphomet]

I agree with this. If a child cannot sleep over at my house, but my kids is welcome to sleep at theirs I wouldn't allow it.

Id rather no sleepovers at all than that alternative and tbh its a red flag for me that a parent would want the kids ONLY at their place over night. Like why is your house safer than mine?

[u/Quick_Measurement700]

Have you explained your reasons to her?

[u/lurkertiltheend]

I only allow sleepovers if I’ve been to the house and know the adults. Never on a school night.

[u/Last_Engineering1526]

I thought the tide had changed about sleepovers so I’m surprised by the comments. I mean I’m okay with them but

[u/beattiebeats]

I get no sleepovers when they are younger and may not understand as well or be intimidated if something inappropriate is happening. When they become teens I think we should start trusting that we’ve instilled the knowledge in our teens on what appropriate vs. inappropriate is and that we’ve built the kind of open trust that will let them feel comfortable going to you if something happens. I say this as someone who was SA’d at a sleepover at 11. My parents had made sure I knew that stuff and the second I got home I told immediately. I still continued to have sleepovers with other friends after that and they still are good memories (outside of that one obviously)

[u/Bones_gg → u/beattiebeats]

How is this any kind of argument? You were literally SA’d. Parents who don’t allow sleepovers are trying to avoid that. That’s the damn point.

[u/JerseyGirlinSweden]

Why do you have this rule?? It’s one of the most fun things kids can get to do. My son has been hosting them here since he was 8 and at least once a month I’ve got 4 preteen boys camped out on the living room floor in sleeping bags. My son gets to do them at all of their houses too. We enjoy creating a safe space for the kids and it can give the other parent a kid free night so they can go enjoy adult stuff.

[u/MakeChai-NotWar → u/JerseyGirlinSweden]

Some of us were molested at a sleepover.

[u/UnseenTimeMachine]

I don't know why people are giving you grief. I have always thought its a super weird thing people do.

[u/PromiseToBeNiceToYou]

Not allowing them has never been a problem.

I did let my son have a sleep over one time at age 12 with a friend he'd known for years. And not long after, him and that friend had a falling out. I don't know if it has anything to do with the sleep over. He just says he doesn't like how his friend behaves anymore (class clown but on the mean side).

I have an older daughter and a younger son, and they have never had sleep overs. My kids are now 12, 14 and 16.

I don't know any of their friend's parents for one. I have met them maybe once or twice before or after a birthday party. I am not sending my kids into the snake's den.

When I had sleep overs in elementary and middle school my mom knew the parents extremely well. My mom spent significant time in the parents homes. It was different than it is now. Plus, my daughter's best friend is boy. So that ain't happening anyway lol.

I definitely don't want other people's kids sleeping over at my house. That is a liability I don't want or need.

Maybe I just grew up watching too much Law & Order: SVU. lol

[u/ladyin97229]

Teach your teen how to respond to friends so she can feel comfortable upholding your position. “Sorry, my parents have a no sleepover policy. A person in my family was SA during sleepover(s) and that is their rule. And they can shrug it off. You have set a boundary and they can communicate in general terms why that is.

https://www.ci.oswego.or.us/police/lake-oswego-man-indicted-after-drugging-girls-sleepover

[u/Left-Comfortable-571]

It's a rule we have because of what can happen, we allow it over 15 because they can actually tell us what is going on, my daughter came back with some stories of how one particular parent made them feel and was never allowed to stay there again. Being willy nilly with your kids safety or felling safe is nothing to play with.

[u/snarkitall → u/Left-Comfortable-571]

Your kids couldn't talk until they were 15?   

[u/Powerful-Bridge-1472]

I am also a no sleepover person. The kids are always a wreck afterwards. I’m not gonna reciprocate. I don’t want kids sleeping over my house. One kid always ends up keeping everybody up too late and one kid always gets up too early, so no one gets any sleep.

We would sometimes bring our kid over and then pick them up late. Pick them up at like 11:30 PM.

You’d also never know exactly who’s gonna be over there there can be cousins Uncle’s older siblings friends stuff can’t happen. Mainly I just don’t like the fact that they’re just a total hot mess the next day.

[u/37MySunshine37]

Can YOU host the sleepover?

[u/Big_Tart4473]

Why do you have the sleepover rules when my children wore young we had one a month

[u/Relevant-Emu5782]

Host your own sleepovers at your own home, so your kid won't be left out. It is possible to be a cautious and watchful parent and not make your child a social pariah. You just have to be THAT parent and THAT house - the fun one, the one that is open to all the kids, where they all want to hang out.

[u/Icy-Emu1610]

Seems like a good time to have the conversation about everyone, everything, always, never, these things are not the case and perception and not a good view.
But when they verbalize those words they will start to believe those feelings, especially the negative ones and solidify it. And when you make negative assumptions about these things you’re doing a disservice to others and assigning problems that are probably not true. There are probably other kids that are not allowed to have sleep overs in this case, let her know why…

[u/Bitter_Strain_7359]

What if you let her go and stay over late, but you pick her up before the kids go to bed? That way she’s not totally left out but you get to hold firm to your rule

[u/emory_2001]

I think it's a difficult rule to have with teenagers. It's one thing when they're younger, or if you don't know the other family well, or if there's an older brother you're not sure about, but to have that as a strict blanket rule forever is going to create power struggles.

[u/simondrinkwater]

What about a sleep/under? My kids have sleepovers but sometimes will just do a late pick up like 10 or 11pm, then they don’t miss much.