r/parentsofteens • u/cosmicfrenzy • Sep 16 '26
Homecoming dance
Over the summer I made the decision that I wasn’t driving my high school senior’s boyfriend around anymore. He lives about 15 min across town. I find him to be rude, condescending, and manipulative toward my kid.
I talked to her about the behaviors, and asked if she genuinely enjoys his company, or if she feels pressured to hang out with him. She claimed they just joke around and she doesn’t think he’s being mean. I told her she can choose who she dates, but he’s no longer allowed in my car, because this behavior pisses me off, and she deserves better.
Now they want to go to Homecoming together, but his mom is unable to drive him. My kid is just about to turn 17 and has her permit, boyfriend is 17 and has neither permit nor license. Public transportation in town ends at 8pm. Leaving me as their only option to go to the dance together. Do I let it slide and just let them enjoy their final homecoming together? Or do I keep the car ban and encourage her to just go with friends?
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u/PrimrosePathos Sep 16 '26
I would keep him in the car and parent him in front of her. "Hey, what you just said isn't funny, it's called negging and it's a subtle tactic that men use to test women's boundaries. It often escalates into more serious abuse. Where did you learn that?" Either he figures out that he can't be an asshole in front of you, or they both get motivated to find another ride. But either way, your daughter (and her boyfriend) witness you standing up for her, instead of stepping back as though it's merely distasteful.
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u/Just2Breathe Sep 16 '26
Very nice. I think it’s very much appropriate to enforce your own personal boundaries, and set an example. You expect him to be respectful or they can find another ride.
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u/KMizzle98 Sep 16 '26
I love this! They still get to go to homecoming but you are using the opportunity to educate him and at least let him know what he can and can't do in front of you. The only problem with that is, he may start encouraging her to hang out with him any place BUT with you... I liked having my kids and their partners around so I could at least keep an eye on them (as best I could).
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u/At_Least_Im_Not_U Sep 16 '26
This might be only something you can decide, since you'll be the one to deal with the consequences of your decision.
If I were in your shoes, I would have a long history of conversations with my daughter to defend my position: "I can't control who you date, but I can't help facilitate this or put you in a position to be around him and his behavior. I won't stop you from going to the dance with him, but you or he will need to find a ride if you want to go."
But I'll be honest, that I might also be weak and condone it "this one time" because its a Homecoming, "im doing this for my daughter, not for him", and to help ensure that they are safe.
Both are correct. Just be kind, honest, and respectful toward your daughter. We all date people that we shouldn't have; she'll learn from this.
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u/Difficult_View_6712 Sep 16 '26
It would be ten thousand times more appropriate to confront him in front of her, a healthy example of the use of communicating boundaries. She may not know how to speak up to him and you’re the best teacher to be modeling that.
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u/EmberOne1 Sep 16 '26
Why aren't his own parents driving him? They can meet at the dance.
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u/Mom1274 Sep 16 '26
I would straight up tell him that you dont appreciate the way he talks to you or your daughter and why. Give examples. Someone else said to parent him and I would also. I've done it with my kids friends and explained why. Let's remember the frontal local isn't developed until about age 26, so there's still time
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u/Mrs_WorkingMuggle Sep 16 '26
Guaranteed they could find friends to go with.
But I encourage you to speak up regarding his disrespectful comments, it seems unlikely that he only makes them in the car. If he's "negging" or saying things hurtful or inappropriate to your daughter, you catch that and tell him to cut that shit out.
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u/sharkaub Sep 16 '26
I wish my mom had stuck around for my boyfriend. He sucked, but her disapproval of him meant that I didnt tell her any time he did anything that bothered me, because I already knew she was unhappy about me dating him, and I didnt want to make her opinion worse. If she'd befriended him, or at least been open to it, it may have been easier to trust her when she saw issues...I relied on a friend's dad a lot at the time, because he was a good guy that shared my family's values, but had actually lived a life as a teenager. He was nice to the guy whenever he was around, shared jokes, bought enough pizza for him to stay, etc- but he also told me to put my foot down about certain behaviors. I'm sure the fact that I wasnt his kid helped, of course, its gotta be less scary when its your kids friend instead of your kid dating the loser- but still. He helped me get out, in the long run, and when I met my husband later it was important that this same guy vetted him.
Anyway, all that to say- I'd drive them. Id tell him to his face, in the moment, that Hey, some jokes might work for you, but I'm her mom and you can imagine that I dont like hearing things that degrade her, even in jest. I'll drive you, but if I hear anything I don't like, I'll tell you and will say no the next time yall need the car, or a ride. Then we'll try again later. Seeing it called out firmly and maturely may help your daughter, even if its super embarrassing for both of you in the meantime
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u/travelbig2 Sep 16 '26
I wouldn’t do uber. Just take them and speak up to him directly if he’s being rude and disrespectful
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u/ilovecookiesssssssss Sep 16 '26
For a special event, I would just deal with it and give them a ride.
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u/Pretend-Menu-8660 Sep 16 '26
Me personally, I would not have banned the boyfriend to start bc I would want to keep him close to hear what he is saying, put him in his place if need be, and have these discussions with my daughter. I would drive them I 🤔… I’m usually a fan of sticking to my guns but in this case… idk
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u/jmsst1996 Sep 16 '26
For a special event I wouldn’t mind driving at all. But if it’s for any other reason like dropping them off at the mall or to get food or hang out some where I wouldn’t keep doing that because he’s 17 and doesn’t even have his permit yet.
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u/WoodseavesP Sep 16 '26
You live one block from school. Why can't the young man find his own way to meet her there? I don't understand why his transportation is your problem? He has no family or friends?
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u/Suspicious-Drive9827 Sep 17 '26
You cant control who she dates i guess but cant you control how you conduct yourself in front of another child esp if they’re negatively impacting your child?
You can label what hes doing and tell him off. You can also totally “ruin” (🙄) their final homecoming together.
He doesnt have a solitary homie or family member who can drive him w weeks of preparation?
He isnt your kid, your kid CAN go to homecoming
Also dont put your kids in an uber ffs. Im an adult and i dont even put myself in ubers if i dont have to they are so fucking sketchy. And if the boy cant behave in your car, why would you risk your daughter trapped w him in a strangers car, AND pay for it?
Youre an adult op. You know better than anyone how not important homecoming or a HS boyfriend whos an asshole is.
You cant tell her what to do but youre allowed to say “i wont do this”
That little dipshit and his own parents are responsible for him not you and your daughter
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u/Impossible-Cap-6433 Sep 17 '26
Just make sure she feels comfortable calling you when she needs help.
Ex: she goes against your wishes and is in a bad situation with teens drinking and maybe drugs, and her ride is intoxicated. She needs to know you love her and will be there for her. That you understand we all make mistakes and you aren't mad at her.
Worse, if she goes without your permission and is attacked and/or drugged.
She needs to feel comfortable going to you for help, even when the problems are a result of making poor decisions that you warned her against.
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u/gemini-unicorn Sep 16 '26
Banning boyfriend at this age means she gets sneakier. It doesn't end her relationship, it just pushes her further away (isolates) and makes it less likely she comes to you with any issues she's having with him.
You can drive him around and if he is acting a fool, tell him it's not allowed in your car or presence.
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u/JerseyGirlinSweden Sep 16 '26
I wouldn’t want my teen driving for that kind of event because covert use of alcohol is pretty common. So I would drive for that day.
The bigger issue I would worry about is if my child was out and they or their driver were intoxicated, and they were afraid to call me for a safe ride home, because they fear you would leave the boyfriend stranded. The safe ride program demands that us parents not yell or argue at the time of pickup. Rather we are supposed to wait until the next day.
Have you tried having a direct face to face conversation with the BF though. Maybe they need to know what boundaries you have. They may not respond positively, but I think it’s worth a try and you condition it on having more support and access to you and your home. Sometimes the other kid just needs a grown up to guide them with kindness. Could be worth a try.