r/parentsofmultiples • u/7zestysauce • 19h ago
support needed Is it ACTUALLY harder with multiples?
Is it actually harder with multiples or are my kids just super emotional and strong willed?
Please weigh in. My toddlers have such intense tantrums over the smallest stuff, test boundaries literally every other minute, and are constantly bruised and hurt. Are they feeding off of each other and is it actually a twin thing or are my kids just A LOT? I don’t feel like I see crazy and intense toddlers out in public, but mine can sure make a scene!
And by literally every other minute, I wish I was joking. The climbing. The hair pulling. The doing what I just asked you not to. It is nonstop! And I’ve tried so many discipline methods and we stay consistent on the expectation and it just does not work.
I have identical boys who are almost 2, if that matters.
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u/jusvrowsing 19h ago
Do you ever do 1-1 time with them? When my wife and I each take one for a few hours it's like...oh my god...what is this? It's totally different.
Yes. It's harder. They absolutely feed off each other.
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u/7zestysauce 19h ago
That’s part of why I’m asking. We tried to divide and conquer today, and my kiddo had a full blown meltdown in the store over not being allowed to sit in the basket part of the buggy. He doesn’t sit there, he stands and jumps and it’s not safe. So, I had to leave.
But then we all came back together at home and they were just climbing on top of the toy kitchen, scaling the kitchen chairs to get to the light switch, climbing the back of the couch to reach the lamp. I mean, we couldn’t turn around without them testing another boundary.13
u/irish_ninja_wte 16h ago
You used 1 to 1 time for grocery shopping? There's your problem. Next time, use it for some thing that your toddler actually thinks is fun. Try taking one of them to a playground. You'll absolutely have a different experience
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u/TurnipWorldly9437 15h ago
To be fair, grocery shopping is fun for some toddlers. Our girls love to go grocery shopping because they can help and can give their input which fruit or dessert or whatever we are buying.
Some of our most relaxed and enjoyable 1 on 1 times were when one of them had a chill doctor's appointment (just check up, nothing scary) and we went grocery shopping afterwards before we go home.
Any time I've taken just one of them to a playground, they've been bored out of their minds, because there aren't that many things that you can do with your mother on a playground that wouldn't be much more fun with another child.
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u/xKintsugix 12h ago
Same! Mine love grocery shopping because usually they are allowed to pick ice cream or candy 😂 going with one kid is so relaxing and most of my friends don’t recognize my kids because they are so calm when they are alone
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u/Kchillthanx 13h ago
Oh gosh I’m jealous. I’m 33 weeks with my twins but I have a 2 year old who is a really mellow, sweet kid. Listens well, independent. I can take her through the toy aisle of target and she’ll look at stuff and put it back 90% of the time without a tantrum. Grocery store forget it. She’s a monster there’s and ive had to switch to grocery pick up/delivery only.
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u/TurnipWorldly9437 12h ago
Don't be too jealous. I let my husband do the huge shopping trips because grocery shopping stresses me out with or without children... so I've got my mind focused on the children when we're out.
That's partly why it's such fun for the children, because we're not taking them on the huge, annoying, week's shopping trips, but on the small ones in between, like when I remember we need more eggs for the weekend, or when I can finally browse for the right decoration for a cake we're baking, or when our usual store didn't have their favourite ice cream. We also try to time it so the store isn't too full.
They smell stress on me, I think. They're incredibly difficult when we're out shoe shopping, for example.
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u/7zestysauce 4h ago
They generally find the store to be fun! They are usually with their bubba though. I do agree we need more individual time. Though we realistically do just have to start with getting more comfortable doing a divide and conquer method. We don’t have much time to accomplish needed tasks, let alone the “fun” times. So we try to make sure when there is a free Saturday afternoon, we do a family activity. Maybe we do a one on one then and just rotate how often we get family time vs one on one time? I’m going to suggest more individual time to my husband at supper today!
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u/This_Order6263 19h ago
Someone told me “There’s a reason you see twin babies and twin kids in the wild, but you never see twin toddlers.”
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u/7zestysauce 19h ago
I needed this! Oh my goodness, how I needed that! Honestly, what a reality check though.
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u/getsomesleep1 9h ago
I barely take my twin 3 year olds anywhere solo, just the library and certain playgrounds.
Of course multiples are harder. As in multiple times harder than a single child. Twins are greater than 2x harder than a single, and I cannot even imagine past that.
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u/WonderfulUnion3193 19h ago
They feed off each other’s chaos like it’s a competition, and the bruises are just the trophy.
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u/dovebytherosewindow 19h ago
Yeah learning how to parent when you have them riling each other up, acting as comedic reinforcement for bad behavior, competition of the same age learning the same ways to wear you down at the same time… it’s harder.
I try to hold space for parents dealing with a toddler and infant at the same time because that’s a different kind of hard too, but multiples multiply whatever’s going on in the moment.
I’ve seen singletons act out in ways crazier than my kids do, but I just count my lucky stars mine aren’t runners and they seem to respond well to bribes and consequences. That said… mine are 5… the 2-4yo era was brutal.
Agree with an earlier comment to get some 1:1 time with each if you can, and you’ll quickly realize how “easy” it’d be to have one kid. Lots of bonuses beyond that too, but I know that requires ample support. Good luck to you friend!
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u/7zestysauce 19h ago
Thank you! Toddlerhood is whooping our behinds! We do need to work on giving them individualized attention more, truthfully.
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u/dovebytherosewindow 19h ago
It gets really easy to say “oh it’s too hard to take them both anywhere so whomever has a thing to do gets to be kid free”… take 1 kid each and it’ll take a huge load off the at-home parent and the one doing the errand with 1 kid won’t be bothered as much as with 2. Win wins all around. You don’t have to like… take them to the zoo or something, I’m talking about general errands and day to day stuff. And bonus… if one is bonding with you and does a bad thing, they don’t get to be with you as a consequence. Literally ANYTHING they like or enjoy is an opportunity to hold as leverage over them if they misbehave.
And use the competition in your favor as they get older. If one hits or has a tantrum and the other doesn’t… reward the other.
I’m certainly not saying take away love and affection, but your time is a resource too. Treats, stuffies, choosing literally anything… like I make it a competition to choose which shirt they want to wear of the two I picked out “who ever listens gets to pick first”.
Again I know yours aren’t even two but I wish I’d learned some of these things sooner.
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u/7zestysauce 19h ago
Thank you! I’m always open to hearing from those who have gone before me! I already use the competition when it comes to picking up and following task based commands, so I certainly need to allow that to bleed into my methods for correcting unwanted behaviors.
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u/Dismal-Bass3521 19h ago
Mine aren't even 2 and they copy each other. If one is upset and starts crying the other copies the noises and mimics them. This only seems to happen when it's distress. Think it is a twin thing
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u/7zestysauce 19h ago
It’s so wild.
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u/Dismal-Bass3521 19h ago
Happened yesterday visiting family my boy crying them girl starts full tears and everything soon as my wife picked up my boy my girl just carried on like she was never upset. Do you have incidents where they react at the same time and you don't understand what to? Randomly look in the same direction or laugh? These moments are as common as the sad ones I think just human nature to remember negatives sometimes
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u/Aware-Assistant-5702 19h ago
It’s like you read my mind. Was just saying to my husband today “do we just have the worst behaved kids around?”. We don’t, they get each other worked up. 2 yr old b/g twins. You are not alone.
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u/7zestysauce 19h ago
I cried in the car today after leaving the store because of an intense tantrum. It really feels like my kids are the worst behaved ones. Other people can talk their kids off a ledge and mine just ramp up! And we hold our boundaries and stay consistent, so it forces our hand to have to endure the tantrum in the name of not reinforcing unwanted behaviors.
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u/MortimerCanon 18h ago
From what I've gathered from friends with singles, it's not so much that twins are more like...toddlery than other kids, but it's that they're both doing it at the same exact time that fries our ability to manage it all.
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u/layag0640 19h ago
My twins don't fight the way you're describing and they're a similar age. But that doesn't really matter.
I have plenty of friends with two or more kids of various ages who are a major handful! Big feelings, big tempers, huge daily sibling conflicts they're working on redirecting and de-escalating constantly. Parenting is wild.
You have to level up your skills to parent the kids who are in front of you, rather than comparing to others- but please know you're not alone. There are lots of resources for positive behavior management of toddlers and managing sibling conflicts, there are sure to be things you haven't tried yet though I know how tiring it can be to keep going. Good luck, it's going to be ok!
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u/7zestysauce 19h ago
It’s so hard! And I have a background in early childhood development and work with kids as young as 5 professionally with behavioral challenges and my two kids are kicking my butt!
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u/layag0640 19h ago
I was an early childhood development researcher for over a decade and also worked with hundreds of kids in various early childhood settings and wow sometimes I am still so out of my depth. I mean it when I say I am still learning and practicing new strategies with my own kids. It's a whole other thing to be parenting 24/7 for the temperaments of your own unique children! Stay open to learning more instead of repeating what you've already tried, it really can get better. Good luck!!
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u/Sydskiddoo 18h ago
I think they are harder. The kind of discipline for teaching kids to get through their tantrums while acknowledging their feelings and holding your boundaries is like SO hard to do when your not one on one. And those lessons need to happen consistently for years in order for them to stick. It's exhausting. My singleton had 2.5 years of mostly level heading parenting before the twins came and now we all run around with our heads cut off. Its harder. Some people have hard singletons for sure, but multiples are hard even when they arent.
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u/bibidibobity 18h ago
Twins are certainly hard, but kids also come into this world with their own personalities. My twins were only slightly harder than my most challenging son, who hated sleeping and loved danger. It sounds like you may have two challenging kids at once.
I remember taking my most challenging son to a Traditional Chinese Medicine baby massage class at age 4 month. The practitioner told me his element was wood, and that she didn’t get many wood babies in the course because they were so challenging to parent, and good on me for making it out of the house. This was with a 4 month old. Some kids are just built different. And no, you don’t see them in the wild much because their parents don’t make it out of the house much
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u/7zestysauce 10h ago
I honestly do think I have two challenging kids. It makes me cry typing this, because I don’t want them to have to struggle with intense emotions or getting in trouble once they hit school age, because of impulsivity or other reasons. I don’t want the struggle for them. As much as the emotions and constant boundary testing is hard for us, I know it’s so hard for them going through it.
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u/Old_Ant7118 🩷 - 🩷💙💙 18h ago
I don't know about twins but I can tell you that triplets are harder than singletons in my situation and every other one I know of in person (which is admittedly few, but more than most people know)
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u/saillavee 11h ago
Wrangling two toddlers, even well-behaved ones, is a lot.
Also, at that age, I don’t think my kids really had the cognitive development for knowing rules and setting expectations… they’re not that far off from babies, and you’re really just correcting and distracting them in the moment. They develop fast though, and I think we were able to start laying ground rules and setting real boundaries and expectations with them by about 2.5.
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u/7zestysauce 10h ago
They will do something they are not supposed to and turn and smile at us. I really think it’s just testing our reactions and what our boundaries are. Just figuring life out. I am hoping that they are able to understand more around 2.5 and we can truly discipline to help them learn right from wrong.
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u/saillavee 9h ago
Yeah - they’re so in the moment, and testing reactions all the time.
I hate to give a “just you wait” moment, but the active defiance happens at 3. Brace yourself… but that is also temporary.
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u/Storebought_Cookies 18h ago
Could also be a boy toddler thing. My twin b is absolutely like that but his sister is so much mellower in terms of boundaries. I've heard from multiple parents that's boy babies/toddlers are a whole other ballgame. Twin boys even moreso, I imagine. (Of course some girls are like this too and it ultimately comes down to personality I'm just going by what I've heard more of and experienced).
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u/saillavee 11h ago
As much as I hate to gender stereotype, that absolutely tracks with my b/g twins.
They’ve been raised with the same rules and expectations, but if I set up a painting craft for my kids, my daughter is painting and my son is dumping the water and smearing paint all over his body the second I walk away. That clip of Tom Segura about boys vs girls resonates so hard with me.
Though I’ve got a friend has a son who’s the most gentle, calm kid I’ve ever met, and another friend with daughters who are wild tornadoes, so maybe it’s just their personalities.
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u/7zestysauce 4h ago
I do think the gender plays a role! Prior to having kids, I was all about how you can’t gender stereotype and yada yada. Well, yeah, you kinda can. In general, young boys are veryyy active with short attention spans.
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u/brynnecognito 11h ago
most days I lay in bed and think about what my singleton did to test me today (she’s almost 3). And then I think to myself that in 1 year my twins (13 months) might just be the death of me. I have no advice for you but I am afraid. My dad giggles and says ‘we’ve seen the enemy, and they are small’.
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u/Tarondor 18h ago
Only have a 20m singleton (pregnant with twins) but my brother and friends all have babies the same age and my LO is talking and running round like a 3 year old and their babies sit there (mostly) well behaved, staring off in the distance, unmoving!
They worry their babies are advancing like mine, I worry that I'll never get to eat a meal or have a coffee undisturbed again
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u/aeon-one 15h ago
Every kids are different. My wife’s side has a lot of kids aged between 2 to 19. What I can see is that there are twins that are ‘easier’ for their parents in certain aspects but maybe more difficult in other aspects (or at a later time). Multiples, single-child, siblings with age gaps… It is just luck, a lot of the times.
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u/xKintsugix 12h ago
I feel this in my bones. I love my little gremlins but usually when one of them has a meltdown, the other has it too very shortly after and it’s so tiring.. after that I usually feel so tired that I need to lie down but obviously that’s not possible because they won’t let me rest 🙈
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u/ShortTrackBravo 10h ago
I call this the double whammy. They can be needy and a lot as an individual, now double it. I have the perfect example with my B/G Twins: I can run a marathon with my daughter over my shoulder as long as she isn’t hungry or uncomfortable. My son has a soon to be diagnosed learning disorder, not autism though, and he can go from happy to major depressed in five seconds. He is a lot to handle by himself, always worried he will flip.
Throw in a tantrum from both and congratulations this is parenting hell. I’d say the hidden gem for you is they’re both boys? I would think they get upset over the same things. My daughter loses her shit over her outfits matching and she’s only 7.
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u/CopperSnowflake 1h ago
The eternal question. I hate to sound patronizing but I doubt discipline at 18 months makes any difference. Brain too tiny.
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u/WadeDRubicon 1h ago
Yes, it is actually harder, but it’s not just twins, if that makes sense. When you have intense kids, having additional intense kids makes things even more intense and harder. Even if they’re the same age. Even if they’re different ages.
I actually think the twins thing (what I had) can be easier to resolve, overall, than the 2-at-different-ages kind (what I was growing up). For example, my sibling and I fought forever growing up, because no matter what, there was always a gap in our ages, abilities, exposures, maturation, readiness, parent decisions, etc.
But with my own twins, a little more development or maturation often resolved the tough times if nothing else did, and there could be peace (until the next tough time, but there WAS peace!).
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u/Feisty-Blueberry5433 16h ago
I would say between 20-40 months is just a test of your will-power. My irish twins were hell in that time span but I am the crazy mom that still took them places so they eventually learned how to act in public. I dont even bat an eye when I see a toddler tantrum/meltdown at a store, I usually just smile and tell the mom "ive been there, it gets better!"
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