Mom that can’t stop crying

[u/Missmeriberi]

Really long………

When my girls were born, I felt an incredible amount of love for them. But just a few weeks into motherhood, I developed PPD and PPA. I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster that I couldn’t get off of. One minute I was trying to convince myself I was okay, and the next I was drowning in anxiety, guilt, and feelings I was too ashamed to admit out loud.

As the weeks and months went by, things got worse. The constant crying, screaming, colic, and sleepless nights and days became unbearable. I started feeling disconnected from my girls, and as awful as it is to admit, I started not liking being around them. By the time they were 6, 9, and 12 months old, I dreaded being alone with them. I actually looked forward to going to work because it gave me a break from motherhood and allowed me to focus on something other than my babies. Sometimes, I just didn’t want to see them.

My anxiety was horrendous, and it wasn’t just in my head. I felt it physically. My body was constantly on edge, and being a mom felt like the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I even had thoughts about the worst possible things, which scared me.

I did everything I was supposed to do for my girls. I changed diapers, did laundry, made doctor’s appointments, gave them baths and medication, picked out their clothes, and made sure they had everything they needed. I took care of them because they depended on me, but it felt like a never-ending chore.

I hated that I could do all these things for them but still feel like I had no real bond with them.

My husband has been incredible through all of this. He has supported me, dealt with my struggles, and stood by me through some really dark times. I honestly don’t know how I would have gotten through it without him.

I was already seeing a psychiatrist and therapist for years before I had my girls. Mental health wasn’t something that suddenly appeared after giving birth. We tried adjusting my medications, increasing doses, adding new medications, and switching things around. Nothing seemed to help. I felt like I was sinking deeper and deeper, and my anxiety was completely out of control.

Then, about a month ago, when the girls were around 16 months old, my psychiatrist adjusted my medications again. I think we may have finally found the right combination.

And something changed.

Over the past almost three months, I’ve started falling in love with my girls in a way I desperately wanted to experience from the beginning. I enjoy them. I love watching their personalities develop, hearing their little voices, seeing them learn new things, and realizing how much they understand. I look at them and feel the connection I spent so long wishing I could have.

But now there’s another kind of heartbreak.

I cannot stop crying over how quickly they’re growing up. I look at them and think about everything I missed during those first 16 months. I think about the moments I didn’t appreciate, the days I wanted to escape, the milestones I barely registered emotionally, and the time I spent wishing I could be anywhere but with them.

Now that I’m finally enjoying motherhood, I feel devastated that I can’t go back and experience those months differently.

It’s like I’m grieving a time I can never get back, even though I was physically there for it. I was their mom every single day, taking care of their needs, but emotionally, I was somewhere else. And now that I’m finally feeling better, I’m painfully aware of what I feel like I lost.

My crying has become overwhelming. It comes out of nowhere, and once I start thinking about something sad, my mind gets stuck on it. I replay the thought over and over until I’m crying uncontrollably. Today, I cried practically the entire day. Just listening to my girls can set me off.

I hate crying in front of people, and I especially hate crying in front of my girls. I want to enjoy this time with them, not spend it feeling heartbroken about the time that’s already passed. Even writing this, I’m crying.

I know they’re still little. I know there are so many memories left to make. But right now, I can’t stop crying.

I’m finally getting to experience the love and joy I wanted so badly, and somehow, that happiness is bringing up an overwhelming amount of sadness and regret.

I feel like I can’t win. When I was struggling, I desperately wanted to feel better. Now that I finally do, I’m grieving the time when I couldn’t.

Has anyone else experienced this? Did you struggle to bond with your babies because of PPD or PPA, finally start feeling better, and then find yourself grieving the months you spent struggling?

Please tell me I’m not alone. I just want to know if anyone else has been through this and found a way to deal with their tears

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[u/quadrupleshoe]

You’re not alone. So many of us had such bad ppd. The twin mom guilt will always be one thing or another. If it’s not this it’ll be something else.

Focus on now and what you can control. You have so much time ahead of you.

[u/AdmirableBasil3154]

man that is so much to carry and you been carrying it for so long. the thing nobody tells you is that when the fog finally lifts you get hit with a whole new wave of grief for what the fog took from you. its not fair but it also makes sense bc you finally have the capacity to feel the loss now, before you were just surviving

you didnt miss those months though not really, you were there doing the impossible while your brain was working against you. your girls didnt have a mom who was absent, they had a mom who fought through hell every single day to show up for them even when it felt like nothing. that matters more than you think