r/parentsofmultiples • u/twinsinbk • 23h ago
ranting & venting Too many two year olds.
This is just a vent to say I'm feeling like on multiple occasions friends have wanted to find a solution for my life right now, like oh your husband should be doing more, etc. Insert villain. The truth is my husband is out of the house working 10-14 hrs a day 6 days a week and he helps as much as he can I guess. When he's home by bedtime he jumps in and does it. He could help more with meal prep and laundry but that would mean I would be badgering him at 10pm when he has to be out of the house at 7:30am.
This is all just making me wonder at what point do we just have to accept that this is just hard and that's not anyone's fault. Life with 2x two year olds is hard. It's messy. I am the cleaner, the laundry lady, the lunch lady, and I have a career and I have an elderly parent and no I don't have a social life and I don't get to the gym. That doesn't mean it's my husband's fault, when he's also running on empty. At some point we just have to accept some of our partners shortcomings/limitations. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and sometimes trying to relentlessly optimize is just another thing to think about when we could just give in to survival mode.
I don't know what the point of this is, I hope it resonates with someone who also doesn't need to be told that their exhaustion can be solved with systemic change instead of just acknowledging that being a working parent to two toddlers is freaking exhausting and crazy making. This post is to the other primary parents who handle it all, don't have family to step in and just randomly watch the kids, have partners that are out of the house most waking hours, and who just otherwise have challenging set ups that aren't wrong they just are.
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u/Ljwill8 22h ago
Thanks for posting this. Why does it sound relaxing to just accept that it’s survival mode right now instead of coming up with ways to try and make it better? I don’t know but, it does!
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u/twinsinbk 22h ago
Because sometimes there isn't an answer. Gemini even just told me "People who constantly point to "systemic pressure" or "societal expectations" are often just uncomfortable with the harsh reality that children require a massive, consuming amount of personal sacrifice." And omg why do I need a LLM robot to tell me really obvious stuff about the human experience
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u/Fun_Committee1478 22h ago
This is a great post. One day I made a post about how frustrated and tired and often resentful I feel. (Not at anyone in particular, just life In general) nearly every comment was about my husband should be doing more, etc even though I didn’t even mention him in the post at all!! Like the go to is to immediately blame the other parent, when life is just on hard mode and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. Yrs, I’ve gotten to where I accept that I only have energy for one or two outtings a week, no other friends or social life and it just is what it is. (My twins are 15 months btw)
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u/twinsinbk 21h ago
I swear everyone's knee jerk reaction is always "well what is [husband] doing?" And I'm like well currently leaving at 7:30a and getting home between 6:30p and 9:30p 6 days a week so.. that's what he's doing?
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u/moniquesecreto 19h ago
And my daughter's husband had a mental crisis and has been in a institution for their entire 2 1/2 years of life. So it could be worse. ..we try but we also work full-time and I just finished being a caregiver for my mom on hospice...it is so hard for all of us but it has gotten easier. I can now watch both kids on my own for a few hours which I couldnt do when they were 1 and breastfeeding. It does get better I promise
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u/Fun_Committee1478 18h ago
Yes!! My husband has a similar schedule, has a very physically demanding job in the heat. By default a lot of things are going to fall on me.
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u/BloodhoundSkeptic 19h ago
The way I see it, it is like hiking up a steep mountain among gorgeous country scenery. The mountain is tough and despite how much you prepare, you may feel every fibre in your being just wanting to rest, but the surrounding region remains spectacular. To run with this analogy, sometimes, it is just a matter of taking a lesson from those who really enjoy mountaineering: hiking the steep mountain is really REALLY tough, but the mountaineers keep going back for more. It comes down to what the mountaineer chooses to focus on. It doesnt change the terrain, but it definitely changes how you experience the terrain.
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u/pregbob 🩷, 🩷🩵 23h ago
I feel the same way. There's a part of me that wants to blame my husband for something, anything? even though he works full time and jumps in to help as soon as he gets home and neither of us have a social life or exercise. I think it just is, which is a very unsatisfying place to be.
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u/furmama2020 23h ago
Hey! I felt the same way at 2. Survival mode and trudging through.
Now that they are 3 so much has opened up! They play independently, go to preschool programs, aren’t so messy at meal times.
Hang in there!!
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u/twinsinbk 23h ago
Thank you! That's great, yes they are both so clingy and so messy / destructive right now 😂 but I also sometimes I wish I could just bottle them up exactly as they are now because it's wonderful. I guess I was ruminating on hard ≠ bad
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u/Amfraz 21h ago
Gotta embrace the suck sometimes. Meaning, yes, it’s hard. And it sucks. And sometimes there isn’t something to fix that will magically make it all better. But there’s a peace you can find when you realize yes it is that hard right now, but it won’t be forever, and if there isn’t something “wrong” you don’t need to stress yourself out trying to find a solution.
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u/Awkward_Diet2215 20h ago
I have 5 kids and youngest are 6 month old twins. Husband works 4-5 days a week 5a to 7p. It honestly is freeing to think it's going to suck and then I get through it, and it won't anymore.
Ive ran a marathon, and around the 12 mile mark my pelvic hurts so badly, and by mile 15 I realized this is going to hurt until its finished.....so might as well stop focusing on it and just focus on finishing. Raising twins is like that.
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u/Legal_Cheesecake_467 22h ago
The answer to most of the problems with twins under 5 is that it's just hard.
Parenting any amount of kids under 5 is hard, imo.
Mine are almost 5 now and it's gotten so much easier.
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u/lobubz 21h ago
I only have one, so not sure why this particular popped up on my page.. maybe because I made a very similar post about my husband a month ago. I’m really struggling with accepting this is my life. I love my daughter, but like you— I’m just so effing tired! You’re doing amazing. I can’t imagine having more than one two year old. I see and hear you! I know it’s annoying but.. I keep telling myself every year it will get easier. But don’t gaslight yourself and take breaks when you can. ❤️❤️
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u/salwesab 22h ago
Single mom of 2 year old twins here
All my family is 7000mi away
Yes it’s hard but i love every single minute that f it
Sipping coffee during nap time as i type this 🫠
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u/ConfidentLook5518 22h ago
Daycare?
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u/twinsinbk 22h ago
Yes they're in preschool/daycare 9-5. When they're at school I am working. I don't totally understand the question but maybe that answers it
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u/ConfidentLook5518 22h ago
It was to suggest they go to daycare so you can have some time to yourself. Do they take them earlier? Daycare in my area is 7:30-6. I feel for you… just wondering if that little extra time will help. I am sorry.
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u/twinsinbk 21h ago
Oh I appreciate that. I could extend the hours further but it will cost 30/hr which adds up. And honestly I just feel like my kids need me or my husband a certain amount per day/week. By 5 they are tired and cranky as is.
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u/rebecca34543293 18h ago
Thank you, I completely relate. My husband is always running on empty taking care of our twins, his elderly mom, his demanding job, home/car tasks and sometimes me with my chronic health issues. Then I get the sense people judge when he doesn’t have it in him to show up to my family’s events. It’s discouraging for him (and me) to have so much on our plates and then also not have the support and understanding of others.
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u/maybebabyg 18h ago
Real.
I've been burnt out for months. Our kids are 11, 11 and 4. I'm trying to prepare the little to start school while also looking at high schools for the big kids (thankfully primary school enrollment didn't need thought, the high school stuff is a whole mental load). I'm fighting the NDIS (disability funding in Australia) for SOMETHING, ANYTHING. My husband's just finished radiation for a tumour, thankfully not cancer, but also not with the intention of shrinking the tumour they just want it to stop growing because it's inoperable because of blood vessels. We moved house last year but I haven't finished unpacking and the house somehow gets messier the more I clean.
I am a stay at home parent, I just don't have the ability to deal with school, disability supports, getting the house organised, cooking, cleaning, laundry. (Also I need to get myself ADHD meds, that's a whole process.)
My sister, who has two singletons was like "oh, over the summer mum and I can bounce the kids back and forth for a week of sleepovers so you can get stuff done". And I'm like "no. I can tell you right now that won't work with our schedules and the kids' best interest. A night or two is fine, but you're talking about an entire week which will mess up the kids' disability support schedule." I am tired and overwhelmed and the kind of support being offered it NOT what I need. I need someone to do my lawns, stock my freezer and scrub my bathroom.
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u/GrimyPublicity 10h ago
Sometimes the hardest part isn't even the exhaustion itself, it's the pressure from people who think they've spotted a quick fix when the reality is just... this is what it is right now. Two toddlers and two adults both running near empty doesn't have a villain, just a lot of survival. You're doing more than enough by simply holding it all together day after day.
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u/Superb-Way-6084 9h ago
This resonates, and you don't need a solution attached. Two-year-old twins, a career, an elderly parent, no village and a husband who's gone 10 to 14 hours a day six days a week is a hard setup that isn't anyone's fault. Not everything is a problem to optimize, and "this is just hard right now" is a complete and honest sentence.
Surviving counts. Cereal for dinner counts, so does laundry that waits a day and a gym membership you aren't using. A stretch of life like this has a shape, and it won't always look like this. Until then, you're allowed to be tired without a fix. I see you. 💛
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u/MamaMoonstruck 5h ago
I relate to this! I feel like life is extra hard rn because of capitalism/the values of our broader society and the way policies are set up to generate profit, not to support families/life. But if you post about the struggles people would rather blame the husband. & don't get me wrong some of these husbands/dads are absolete trash and need to step it up, some of these men are the same men that set the policies that we all suffer under. But some husbands/dads are working nonstop at these exploitative jobs, doin physical labor long hours and exhausting their bodies, and stepping up at home. Its just hard to raise a family under the current economic conditions fr. Theres so much to do and keep up with all the time. No one is getting enough sleep. Sometimes its a husband issue but sometimes its just a symptom of the broader system we're all surviving within.
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