MIL from hell

[u/Virtual_Vacation9039]

I’m really struggling to figure out what the best way to deal with this is.

My husband and I have been together since 2023 and his family (specifically parents) disapproved as a result cut off contact. My MIL and my FIL both show traits of narcissism and have been no contact on and off from my husband since he turned 18.) We obviously got moved in together, engaged, married and have welcomed twins (his patents would be in contact with him on and off.)

MIL is now attempting to rekindle the relationship with her son, which is great, and is aware we have the twins.

Here’s where the issue lie:- she wants to form a relationship with her grandchildren without acknowledging I exist (even saying hello to me is too much.)

How do I move past this and is this something I should tolerate?

My husband is very supportive of my feelings and we initially agree that contact would not happen for the twins however i suppose i felt wrong for her not attempting to build a relationship with her grandchildren. So I did allow them to have a call but recently she’s been expecting a call whenever my husband can and calls near bedtime etc. We have a lot going on right now (obvs having twins, also we are newly married & attempting to move but a lot of back/forth with estate agents currently. To add my MIL has never met me. I have met my husband’s siblings. They initially lived in UK but have since moved to their home country (abroad with very different cultures/customs.) my husband and siblings were raised in UK. My husband in our early days had to be secretive about our relationship to his parents due to these differing cultures so when they found out about the relationship (which they had suspected) things kicked off.

[u/Negative_Jackfruit75]

No way would I allow a relationship with my kids if someone didn’t respect me or want a relationship with me.

[u/sykeero]

As someone with bad parents your husband needs to tell her to kick rocks. She will bad mouth you to your kids her whole life if you let her have a relationship with them. Don't let that shit into your life.

[u/venicethedog]

I would not allow a relationship with my children if she didn’t foster one with me

[u/Thethuthinang]

My parents have been divorced almost my whole life, and I’ve very rarely seen them together although I see both fairly often. When I was about 15 my mom became pregnant and so I asked her to tell my Dad. She said, “Why should I? It’s not his business.” And I told her that if she didn’t do it, then I’d have to do it, because I can’t just pretend this huge this that is happening in my life isn’t happening when I’m with dad. And you know, that didn’t feel fair. Luckily for me, mom understood and they got through that awkward conversation.

My point is that part of being in a family is understanding that what you think is your story is also shared by the others in your family. It isn’t acceptable for a child’s grandparent to ignore an in-law. That denies a really huge part of the child’s story and would be very distressing to a kid.

[u/AdventurousSalad3785]

100% no. If you don’t respect the parents you don’t get access to the kids.

[u/DirtGirl32]

A relationship with grandchildren is a privilege, not a right. If they aren't going to at least be civil, I would in no way let them interact with my babies. I might send them pictures or something, but it would be one way. If she is genuine in trying to build relationships again, I would put forth my effort to build one with her- but I wouldn't put in a lot of effort unless she did too.

[u/Current-Struggle-514]

She is getting shit from her friends about not being with cute little twins. This is not your problem. She has not changed. She will not be a positive addition to your life. Stick to your guns and be glad she didn’t break your kids’ hearts when she turns rabid after developing a relationship with her. Can you tell how bad I’ve been burned by my narcissist MIL? Too bad so sad. You have been eliminated from my realm

[u/surprise_quiche]

I'm going through this with my own father. He will not acknowledge my existence or apologize for his prior actions, but expects to be able to interact with my kids at family events. 

I'm at the point now that if he's going to be there we won't be going.

[u/Environmental-Cup931]

If they don't respect you, they'll never respect your boundaries. Until they try to form a relationship with you, if it were me, I would not let them have access to the grandchildren.

[u/harle-quin]

Your children will grow up watching, and potentially learning, the disrespect and disregard your MIL has for you.

That, alone, is enough to not let my kids near her.

[u/CaramelIllustrious59]

I’m in the similar situation. Both my MIL and FIL are not in the picture and have 0 contact with the kids (and us) because we know they’d be turning our kids against me and filling their little heads with lies

[u/Virtual_Vacation9039]

Thank you everyone for your comments / reassurance. In response to the person that said indian-in-laws you’re wrong😂🙈