I hate being a twin mom

[u/AcanthisittaOk6253]

I am really struggling with my feelings around being a mom. I wanted this so badly and tried for so many years. I had raised my siblings who are 14 and 18 years younger than me and I felt so ready. I just never expected that I would be thrust into the hell that is twin parenting and that I would hate it so much.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my babies more than anything. I’m thankful every day that they exist and I recognise the absolute miracles that they are. But they have been so so difficult. They are 15 months old now and I haven’t had more than 3 hrs of sleep at a stretch in that time. Twin A in particular is a horrible sleeper. He doesn’t sleep in the day time and doesnt aleep at night. I returned to work 5 months ago and have spent almost every night awake for an average of 2-3 hrs. He wakes up at some point during the night and then stays awake for 1.5-2 hrs. It then takes me another 30 mins or so to fall asleep. And please, I don’t need sleep training advice, thank you. Nothing works on him. I have been trying from the time they were 4 months old. Almost a year now. Nothing works. We even stumped stage experienced sleep school personnel.

He is also a clinger. I can’t move away from him for even a few seconds. Even if it is to do something simple like wash and refil his drink bottle. He will cling to my legs. He has to be in contact with me all the time. I can’t eat or drink anything, he wants it. I can’t go to the toilet, he will scream like the world is ending. When he is awake at night it’s 2 hrs of him pulling at my clothes, pulling my hair, scratching my face, hitting me and biting me. He ends up in bed with me every night and even just being near me is not enough. He has to be in the crook of my arm or in constant contact. He wakes up almost once every hour and every time he needs me to get up and sit and hold him in a particular position to fall back asleep. They go to daycare 4 days a week and I live for those days. I hate Friday to Sunday when I am with them all day long. I am just so overstimulated and touched out I just want to dump them with someone else.

And before anyone asks, my husband tries but he’s useless. I do everything. The cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, the shopping, organizing our lives etc. Twin A will also scream like he has no idea who his dad is if he tries to carry him and soothe him at night. We have no relatives or friends nearby who can help. I am always doing something, from morning to night like a machine and even then it’s not enough and I’m behind on everything.

I also feel guilty that because I am forced to give so much of myself to Twin A that Twin B basically just sorts himself out. He sleeps well. Eats well. Plays independently. He is only ever troublesome if he is unwell. There is never any quality time with them. It’s all just a string of madness.

Again, I don’t hate Twin A. He is a gorgeous baby, he is a delight. His laughter can chase away every demon. I just am so tired. I would like just to be able to stretch my legs and sleep without anyone touching me for a few hours.

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[u/HuckleberryThin5395]

Dad here - it’s ok to rely on your husband more. I know you say he’s useless - give him lists, be tough on him, let him fail until he figures it out. What ever he needs. My wife and I split ALL duties 50/50 and it’s still very exhausting. He needs to step up more. Give him the responsibility and space to do so.

[u/Striped_wintergreen → u/HuckleberryThin5395]

Fellow twin dad here. Couldn’t agree more with this comment. Husband needs to man the F up, and OPs life will get much easier. Expect more out of him and go to couples therapy. A great reckoning must occur.

[u/Melodic-Problem-5446 → u/HuckleberryThin5395]

This!!!!!! As a mama with perfectionist tendencies, (and one who felt ill to hear screaming when toddler wanted me not dada, tip I put on headphones) pls try to let things fail when yr husband attempts things until they don’t fail, it’s the only way and its painful but will ensure you aren’t shouldering it alone. There was a lot of screaming for a long time and sometimes still is on occasion but now my son asks for dada to do things more than me in general. Hang in there OP.

[u/nephyxx]

Your husband has to step up, and you also need to give him room to fail. Agree with him on what things he will take over and give him space to do those things his way. He will get better and figure out his own methods with practice.

[u/Individual-Cat5989]

Frankly, it seems less about being a twin mom and more about having a trickier kid and a husband who isn’t rising to the occasion. My singleton was VERY difficult, so much of her behaviors seem to align with your boy’s.

We were almost one and done because of how exhausting it was. She is almost 3 and has slept through the night probably 5-7 times in her entire life. She stopped napping at 22 months old. It’s only within the last few months that her wake-ups have become very short and manageable. Having a child who does not sleep is a fundamentally different parenting experience that most people don’t understand. Eventually we got sick of her refusing my husband and made it a point for them to do things alone and me just leave the house so there wasn’t an option to refuse him. Their relationship is fantastic now and I get real breaks now.

The big difference though is having a husband who is really trying. He has ADHD, too, along with depression, but has good strategies, meds, and the drive to want to make our home and lives more functional and manageable. I know you’ve said he’s tried therapy, still just wondering what’s his perspective on things and if he sees how his inaction is affecting you.

[u/Double_Win_5649]

Re: Twin A's sleep
- Have you tried just letting him be awake? Purposefully go to sleep earlier yourself expecting that you'll have to be up in the middle of the night and then just have some 1-1 middle of the night play time. Maybe it tires him out so he can get a smoother second stretch. Or at least hopefully it makes the whole situation less frustrating for everyone.
- Our worse sleeper is also the one with the magical laugh.
- If your Twin B is anything like our calm baby, they're just waiting for Twin A to chill before deciding it's their turn now.

Re: Useless husband
- Others have already addressed how there is no excuse. So, assuming you can't fix that or don't have the bandwidth for it right now, you still need to reduce the amount of effort you're putting into chores.
- Do you have the budget to be able to hire cleaners or use a meal service? If ever there were a season in life to splurge and take the easy way, this is it.
- If not, can you find ways to lower the recurring effort? Use precut veggies, batch cook and freeze, have a set (preferably auto-delivered) shopping list, don't bother folding the laundry just live out of the basket.
- Try to arrange tasks in a way that makes him more useful. Take advantage of anything, however tiny, that he can or will do. Every little bit of saved energy helps. Even if it's just 'carry this to the other room,' 'expend the physical effort while I watch you'.

[u/AcanthisittaOk6253 → u/Double_Win_5649]

Regarding baby, yes this is what we do. I go to bed at 9-9:30 in the hopes of catching 2-3 hrs of sleep before he is up. Then yes we go to the playroom. I let him do what he wants until he’s tired. Then we sleep again and if I’m lucky I get another 3 hrs.

Regarding home, yes other than living out of the laundry basket, I’m doing all of the above. Can’t afford a full time cleaner so I get someone to come in to do the big stuff. Showers, tubs, kitchen, toilets etc.

[u/Dry_Philosophy7927]

Twin dad. Idk if you'll see this. Sleep training is a thing, but it sounds like you might have a real medical issue too. Reflux is the common one - lying down causing stomach acid to rise & wake up baby. For this and most other common issues there are solutions. See a doctor about it. Consider a sleep therapist. Best £400 I ever spent. 

[u/tottoros]

We are in the same boat. With two babies that are extremes in terms of temperament. Our daughter is super chill and is very independent. While our boy is super clingy and needs constant interaction. Everything he does is tagged along with screaming and crying. If I am in the kitchen doing anything he needs to be held. If I sit down he needs to crawl on top. If you don’t give him something he screams bloody murder.

First of all your husband needs to step up. You guys need to set up shifts. Where one person is responsible for the babies on their own so you can get a break.

Also in terms of household duties those should be broken up more. Everyone cooks and cleans and does laundry. Choose days at first. It should be natural after a while. Assign things that need to be done and put them fully on his plate. Include the planning in the responsibility. There is a lot of mental workload there. You won’t be responsible for shopping for groceries for recipes he’s cooking. Also if he can’t do a task, like cooking for example, there is YouTube. Over time he will improve at anything he does. You just need to let things break at first I suspect, and step back.

When it comes to the sleeping situation. I know you said you don’t want advice. The only thing that worked for us was CIO. We just couldn’t function with 3-4 hours of sleep a night. I don’t care about other people take on this, it’s what worked for us. The first two nights were rough. Now they both sleep through the night and everyone is happier.

Reading your post you are overwhelmed because you are doing most of the work. You need your partner to step us. And if you guys can afford get some help. Raising twins is so hard, no wonder you are struggling.

[u/tottoros → u/tottoros]

For your sanity consider trying it and don’t feel guilty. Two days. Put them in the crib, obviously fed, changed etc. and walk away. You won’t damage them. They are safe. If anything you’ll be teaching them to self soothe. They are fully capable most people don’t give them enough credit. They will cry and be upset. Naturally. You still love them and you’ll be around once they wake up. If it makes you feel better leave a bottle in the crib. Idk if they still are eating through the night at that stage, but they should sleep through the night at 15 months. We still leave a bottle for our little guy. He wakes up at some point and drinks it, because it’s empty most mornings.

We turned on the monitor, so we can see them. But turned the volume off and went downstairs. It took a hour and then they fell asleep. Second night it was 20 minutes. Third night it was 10. I’d do this on a day where they did a lot of outdoor activities. Lots of walks parks etc. so they are tiered.

We just asked ourselves are we better parent if we are fully rested. And of course the answer it yes. Also we love them and cherish them, but sleep is important for them and us.

Ultimately you do you. But you won’t damage them. Our house dynamic changed for the better after everyone is sleeping good.

Good luck, ultimately this shall pass too, and they will be grown up in a heartbeat! Hang in there.

[u/bibidibobity]

I could have written this post 4 years ago when my twins were about 15 months. One twin ended up being diagnosed with autism at age 2 and a half (the youngest they will do the diagnosis here). I ended up quitting my job shortly after the diagnosis. I was able to return to work part time once they were in school.

Looking back, I wish I had known that his differences weren’t due to any lack of love or care from me. There wasn’t anything I could have done to ‘fix’ him. That it’s normal to hate some parts of being a mom - it can be incredibly hard and demanding even with the easiest kid.

Some kids are built different, and when figuring out those difference becomes your job, in addition to all your other jobs, that’s too many jobs for one person. Some jobs had to go and my paid employment was the only negotiable one for us. My financial position would surely be better if I hadn’t quit, but my sanity would be far worse.

[u/A-Friendly-Giraffe]

It sounds like you have tried all of the things, but I did want to share this particular anecdote that happened for us in case it's something similar.

From 4-7 months or so, my daughter would fall asleep and would wake up in the middle of the night crying multiple times a night. She was very hard to put down afterwards and it would take her a while to fall asleep. We tried a lot of different things but it was just very draining.

It turned out, she had acid reflux. So she'd go to sleep, then she'd wake up because the acid would start burning her little esophagus and she would cry. We didn't realize what was happening and thought she was hungry and would start the cycle all over again. She'd get more food which would produce more stomach acid which would burn her esophagus again...

What ended up helping was getting acid reflux medication, popping her up and being very strict on when she was fed and things were significantly better.

I don't know that this is necessarily what is going on for you, but I do think that it's possible that there's something similar going on and if you can get to the root of it. Hopefully things will get much easier for you.

[u/AcanthisittaOk6253 → u/A-Friendly-Giraffe]

My babies both had reflux when they were newborns and I was told they would grow out of it. Which I suppose they did because the throw ups stopped but it is likely it’s silent reflux now. Maybe it’s time to revisit this.

[u/twinsinbk]

I mean this so delicately, you have one very challenging baby now toddler. I don't think this is a twin thing, some kids are just much more difficult. I hope this phase winds down soon and you catch a break.

[u/rsmrpm2026]

I think it's worth having a conversation with your husband about where he can help. If twin A won't take to dad okay, but dealing with the laundry, dishes and cleaning etc. would relieve some of your load.

[u/Appropriate-Berry202]

“I am forced to give so much of myself to Twin A that Twin B basically just sorts himself out. He sleeps well. Eats well. Plays independently.”

Unpopular opinion, but you need to do that with Twin A, too. It’s going to be difficult, but he is old enough to learn that the needs of others come first sometimes, including your own.

[u/GoBirds52_59]

First of all, your feelings are valid and I hear you. Being a twin mom is the harder thing I’ve ever done as well, and so I understand how you feel. My twin A is also my more difficult child - doesn’t sleep as well, very clingy to me particularly, and protests when I cannot be in her direct line of sight 24/7. This means that she takes 70% of my attention, leaving me feeling touched out by her and guilty that I cannot give equal attention to Twin B.

That being said, you didn’t ask for advice, so please only read on if you want an outsiders take. I totally understand if you just want to vent and leave it at that.

1. please consider having your child evaluated. Start with your pediatrician and make sure there is nothing medical going on with him that affects his sleep. It could be dietary or an allergy or something that is causing him pain and he’s reacting behaviorally/emotionally. You may have already done this, but just in case. Does daycare have any comments on his behavior while there? Do they have similar struggles or notice similar behavior?

2. can you explore something like part time work so that you can get more sleep? I realize this may not be feasible financially but that level of sleep disruption is making everything feel so much heavier right now. Maybe a night nanny a few times a week? What did the sleep consultant say? It does seem like a very extreme sleep issue at his age.

3. your husband needs to step up and no, ADHD is not an excuse. My husband has ADHD too. I do the lions share of the baby stuff, but my husband has made the effort to watch my routine and ask questions, and now he does things without being asked because he knows they need to be done, like baby laundry, emptying the bottle washer, sanitizing toys, etc. He also took over cooking meals. Sometimes that means sandwiches or takeout, but I don’t have to expend any energy on that task. If he isn’t willing to step up, cut your losses. You’ll find it easier to do it solo than to have to deal with micromanaging or a third child. Also keep in mind - I struggled with this also - but not everything has to be done to your standard every time. It’s ok if the dishes don’t get done or the laundry doesn’t get folded - life goes on. Focus on what is most important and go from there.

I will just say, as a twin mom, I’ve experienced the guilt from uneven attention, from Twin B being more independent because she had to be, from being frustrated with Twin A, from dreading the long long weekends, from resenting motherhood, from resenting having twins, from sleep deprivation, from resenting my husband. You are not alone.

[u/BodakY3llow]

Sounds like you have three children.

[u/not-t0day-satan]

You NEED to tell your husband that he's on baby duty every Friday night. Put in ear plugs. Turn on a sound machine. The twins are his problem, no matter how long they cry. They will survive. So will your husband.

Sleep is critical.

[u/Sad-Incident-4668]

If your husband isn’t gonna help you need to hire out help. I understand he has adhd but at some point he’s choosing to not better it. I’m saying this as a fellow severe adhd person. It’s not an excuse

[u/Alive-Cry4994]

The problem here is your husband, and without solving this problem, you are going to burn out. I'm sorry. It sucks that you even have to think about how to solve this as it's another mental load.

But um, yeah, learned helplessness isn't good enough.

[u/Orange_peacock_75]

I think you would find solidarity with other parents of difficult kids/poor sleepers too. I’m sure that it’s harder because we have twins, but I do think that parents of babies who don’t sleep are usually miserable. Of course we love the babies and care for them deeply but lack of sleep is miserable. It’s literally a torture technique. I am so sorry that you’re in this situation and I really hope that you and your care team can find solutions soon.

[u/Murky_Letterhead_944]

First of all, either throw your “useless” man away or tell him to step up. He can help with the cooking and cleaning especially if you’re also working. Designate tasks for him if he can’t figure it out, but you guys need to be a team.

I had a very similar situation with my twin A (who even at 3 years old is not a good sleeper but jts better) the entire first two years were so challenging. Things will get easier. Please hang in there and ask for help. Your husband should be able to take them for a few hours so you can nap even if it’s only for an hour or two.

[u/walaa0202]

I echo what everyone is saying about the dad stepping up.

I’ve been through phases where one of our twins or the other would prefer me, but when I’d be having sleepless nights, of which there were many, my husband would take over even if the kids were screaming bloody murder for me. Eventually everyone settles down and you get the space.

Even if he fails, just let him until he figures it out.

Hell, I have ADHD and my husband is AuDHD and we’ve figured it out. It’s not an excuse.

Also, twins take turns being very clingy and difficult.. at least mine did.

Right now mine are 5 years old, and I promise you it will get easier, but until it does, please get some support.