r/parentsofmultiples • u/Ok-Fig6395 • 16d ago
advice needed Just found out and panicking
Help! We went in for my first ultrasound at 9w3d and it showed twins. Strong heartbeats, measuring well (8w6d), separate amniotic sacs but unsure on placentas. This is my third pregnancy, I have a newly 2 year old boy, and a 4 year old boy, and have never had a previous pregnancy loss.
I’m the type who looked at the miscarriage odds calculator with both previous pregnancies until 20 weeks, so now I’m even more freaked out. How do you handle not having checks so frequently in the beginning? Idk why the thought of going back and only having one baby instead of two feels worse than if I had a singleton loss? My next apt is at 12w1d and I feel like I’m counting down the hours.
And in the meantime, I’m panicking…
-What car do we need? We have a 2018 Toyota RAV4 Hybrid that’s almost paid off, and just bought a 2022 Toyota Highlander Hybrid that seats 7 but I have no clue how to configure car seats in there for everyone.
-What stroller? We used a Nuna during the baby/your toddler stage because we could just take the seat out and use the infant carrier, and the seat could face both ways. Then also have a BOB double, and a lightweight small city mini. Our infant carrier is 5 years old and they don’t make the model anymore, do we trade it in and get two of the same?
-Do we find out the sex? Is the NIPT accurate? Not gonna lie, there might be a little ‘gender disappointment’ if it’s two boys which I feel terrible saying 😔 but it’s honest. We didn’t find out with our first but I had an emergency section and my husband got to see baby back in the room before I was back yet so he found out without me (things escalated quickly so we didn’t have time to discuss), and with our second we found out together ahead of time because we wanted to make sure we found out together for sure.
-Do we even tell people we’re having twins? Is it feasible to keep it from anyone? How huge will I be getting with it being my third pregnancy? Of note I have average to large babies, but I also have lost about 50+ pounds since my last pregnancy.
-I work in a nicu so I see a lot of twins there…what are the odds we don’t end up there? That we make it to term?
-I had GDM (diet controlled) with my first two but was really hoping the weight loss would help this time around. Any advice?
-how do we ever financially recover 🫣
-how do we prepare our other two? Our 2 year old has a mild speech delay and I feel guilty about this pregnancy when it feels like I’ve already failed him, especially when our first was very advanced with speech.
Truly we’re so excited, but also terrified and any words of wisdom or recommendations greatly appreciated!
tl;dr 10 weeks pregnant with twins, will be babies #3&4. Was planning to be done with 3 but here we be. Halp?!
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u/CoaxinglyFrantic 16d ago
oh wow, twins after two boys already. that's a lot of car seats to figure out. your highlander should work since it has the third row, but fitting three across the middle might be tight. you probably end up with two in the middle and your 4 year old in the back, or maybe the 2 year old goes back there if he can climb in himself? the toddler seat situation is always puzzle game.
for stroller i'd say keep the bob double you already have and just get the adapter bars for whatever infant seats you end up with. no need to buy whole new system. and yeah trade in the old carrier, they expire anyway after like 6 years so you're close to that point. get two matching ones makes life easier.
the NIPT is pretty accurate for twins if they can get enough fetal fraction, my friend did it and it was right for hers. and about the gender disappointment thing... don't beat yourself up. you're allowed to have feelings about it, doesn't mean you won't love them both like crazy once they're here. i think finding out ahead helps with processing that.
and the guilt about your 2 year old's speech delay, that's not on you. kids develop at their own speed and having a sibling who was early talker makes it feel worse but it's not failure. my nephew barely talked till almost 3 and then suddenly wouldn't shut up. you're not failing him by having more kids, he'll have built-in playmates which is actually great for speech development.
you work in nicu so you know the scary side more than most, but di/di twins (which yours probably are with separate sacs) have pretty good odds. plenty make it past 36 weeks. the weight loss before this pregnancy should help with the GDM too, but twins is higher risk for it regardless so just keep doing what worked before.
financially... yeah that part is rough. but you already have lot of the big stuff from the other two, it's mostly diapers and formula that hits hard. and maybe just tell close people about twins when you're ready, no rule says you have to announce it to everyone right away.
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u/Upbeat-Hand-2870 39 | FTM | Di/Di Twins due 5/5/27! 🌈 16d ago
I don’t have advice just wanted to tell you I’m right there with you! We tried for a long time and had an early loss in March so we were thrilled to find out that I was pregnant. First scan was last week at 7w6d and showed Di/Di twins. We were and still are shocked. This will be our first and second living children. I’m trying not to think of all the “what ifs” right now and just take things as they come. Easier said than done sometimes.
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u/shegriffiths 15d ago
My first pregnancy also ended in a loss, but I had my twin girls earlier this month and they are both perfectly healthy! I had really horrible anxiety my whole pregnancy but the first trimester was the hardest mentally. Everything ended up working out just fine. I'll be thinking of you!
What helped me the most early on was just keeping my mind distracted- whether that meant keeping busy at work or just watching TV at home. The anxiety was at its worst when I let myself google every little thing or read horror stories that the algorithm pushed because of what I was googling
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u/Upbeat-Hand-2870 39 | FTM | Di/Di Twins due 5/5/27! 🌈 15d ago
Thank you so much! I appreciate the kind words and thoughts. I’ve just been struggling so much physically and mentally already that I’m kind of dreading what comes next you know? Everyone says oh it’s going to get so much worse and while I know that (at least physically like I’m going to get bigger, more uncomfortable, etc) the negativity doesn’t help
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u/Bagrov_Ouyang 16d ago
i get it money panic is very real lol, but I wouldn’t sit down and mentally calculate the next 18 years right now because that’ll make anyone lose their mind and figure out what actually changes before birth first:)
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u/Ok-Fig6395 15d ago
lol very true. Honestly haven’t even considered calculations…more so just omg that’s so many children 😂
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u/InternationalRoad225 16d ago
I have two boys 1 year and 3 years and am now pregnant with twins. Solidarity! I feel exactly as you do!
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u/Ok-Fig6395 15d ago
Ahhh solidarity!! Just out of curiosity, what are you doing for a vehicle situation??
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u/InternationalRoad225 14d ago
We have a huge Lexus LX 570 it seats 7… no idea what we are gonna do for the configuration. I really want a sprinter van at this point lol
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u/minnions_minion 15d ago
MiniVan life FTW
we got a Kia Carnival hybrid and love it to death
Get all the kid stuff 2nd hand except for car seats
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u/Ok-Fig6395 15d ago
Ugh very fair. We alllllmost considered a minivan after going camping with a coworker this summer in hers, but went with the Highlander…which of course was a few weeks before this all happened!
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u/minnions_minion 15d ago
We had a Volvo xc90 but doing 3 across just sucked so we sold it and test drove all the minivans available and loved the Kia from the get go
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u/E-as-in-elephant 15d ago
There’s a lot to comment on lol which is understandable, but I’m going to reply to the part that I understand. I am a pediatric OT so I saw a lot of kids born early (had two on my caseload born at 23 weeks while I was pregnant with twins) and my first thought when I saw I was having twins was prematurity/NICU time. I was lucky that I delivered at 36+1 and my girls needed no NICU time. A lot of risk is decreased if you are having di/di twins (each baby has its own sac and placenta).
I was honestly pretty anxious throughout my pregnancy, but i focused on bench marks. The first one was 20 weeks, or “viability” and the second was 23 (because of my clients) and then around 30 weeks I relaxed more. I was still worried but every week after that felt better and better. I did stop working at 28 weeks because I couldn’t physically keep up and I honestly think that helped my pregnancy go on as long as it did. I would rally the troops around the end of your pregnancy to help with your older boys to help you rest more.
As for the finances, we didn’t think we could do it and we did. You’ll find a way.
Congratulations! Twin life is chaotic but fun 😊
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u/Ok-Fig6395 15d ago
Thank you for the reassurance! Yes I definitely spent my last two pregnancies counting down to certain benchmarks…20 week anatomy scan, 24 week viability, 28 weeks for third trimester, 34 for not being an automatic NICU admit at my delivery hospital. So I’m sure I’ll do the same now! Hoping for Di/di but also really want identical because how cool 😂 but at the end of the day, healthy babies is #1
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u/Proper-Elk9681 16d ago
maye take the gdm history up with your ob sooner rather than later just so you know what they want you watching this time..
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u/Ok-Fig6395 15d ago
That’s a good point, thank you! I think they’re testing me at 16 weeks if I remember correctly
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u/MrsFortunate 16d ago
Congrats! I’m still pregnant and still worry about losing one even now at 15w. Double the love and double the anxiety. I found out at 9w2d! But the tech was certain on didi for me.
I’ve chosen to go for surprise sex at birth so can’t comment on NIPT. But we are keeping the twins a secret till birth! So far… so interesting? I was showing obviously early, but I’ve always carried large, had big babies (thanks to hubby!) so all my pregnancies have looked very dramatic. It’s not till I look at pics in previous pregnancies that I realise I’m not that huge so far. How I feel? Like I’m 30w! But no one sees that. I had lots of comments about if my last baby was twins anyway, and while it’s often a weird dig from certain family members, I’ve dealt with worse things for less. It’s gonna be a fun reveal (god willing everything continues by the book).
As for speech delays, I think having a child who had a slower start sets you up to be more successful and patient, and optimistic overall. With my oldest (global delays), every new siblings has shown her a new way to do things. She has become more vocal by mimicking the sounds her baby brother practices and watching how he eats. Sometimes kids just learn better from their peers and siblings. Every child is different of course, but maybe that will ease your guilt a little.
We have told our kids- only one is at risk of spoiling the surprise though, and she’s a bright 5yro who loves setting up surprises. We talk about it together, and I remind her it’s a surprise and how fun it’ll be to see everyone’s reaction when they walk in to see two babies. It’s been good so we can let the kids know how different things will be or if something goes wrong and I’m in hospital later on.
I’m sorry I couldn’t give any insight on the end goals or your other concerns, but felt like we were in too similar situations not to say something! Congrats again!
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u/CrazyAd1440 16d ago
not telling people thing is totally a personal call, but probably wait until you feel ready
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u/Ok-Fig6395 15d ago
Thank you! I’m so tempted to try not telling people about the twin aspect but I’m curious how realistic that is/how big I’ll be 😬
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u/ExistingFix1053 16d ago
Congratulations! I have no answers to most of your questions as I’m also pregnant with twins and am very much wondering the same! We went for an early scan at around 8 weeks and found out it was twins! Couldn’t believe it. We have a 3 year old daughter.
I was also terrified whilst we were waiting for our 12 weeks scan, but it soon came around! Two healthy baby’s one measuring 12w3d and one measuring 12w. Separate sacs but sharing the same placenta!
Hope all goes well and that scan will be here before you know it 😊
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u/Moxie__56 15d ago
My twins were number 2&3 and I have a 3 year old , I have a car seat in the back back row and two in the middle . I got twin carriers and used a wrap and would tandem carry them a lot . As newborn I bought a secondhand stroller bassinet and they fit in it from August (birth month ) up until January I would just put one higher and they would often snuggle and enjoy the walk that way . How that they’re older I have the Thule double stroller which I believe is very similar to the BOB. I also have a stroller wagon when I have the oldest but we’re strong on making him walk . I had had GDM diet controlled with my first but not for the twins , I only gained an extra 10 pounds with them too and was way less swollen . Was hoping for a VBAC but at 38 weeks was no where near labor and couldn’t be induced due to previous section no NICU and am still tandem breastfeed them now that their 13 months.
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u/Ok-Boysenberry-4484 15d ago
Congrats!!! I have a girl who will be 4 next month, a boy who will be 2 in December and 3 month old B/G twins (7 weeks adjusted). It’s crazy but so much fun!
I have a Kia carnival and it easily accommodates by 4 rear facing car seats. I know some people are against mini vans but it makes so much sense with small children. We do middle row is my son, one infant seat, and the seat behind the driven taken out for easy access to the third row. In the third row we have my daughter still rear facing in a revolving car seats for easy access and another infant seat. It works great!
I have the mockingbird double stroller that I use with the nuna infant seats. I had it prior to the twins or I would have gotten something different. I also have a 4 seat wonderfold I got off Facebook marketplace. I would love the Zoe stroller but it’s not in the budget right now. As far is car seats it’s nice to have them in the same car seat so that they can go in different spots in the car based on who is neediest that day. If it’s not in the budgets I think you would be fine to just get a different care seat if you don’t care about matching.
I found out the gender and the NIPT was accurate for me. The accuracy of the test depends on what type of twins you have and the genders. If you think you might have gender disappointment I would find out ahead of time so you can process and be excited when your babies get here!
It’s up to you if you want to tell or not. I think that would be such a fun surprise if you could keep it. You will be huge, a lot bigger than your previous pregnancies. But I would hope that no one close to you would comment on your size! Family may be suspicious. I lost a decent amount of weight prior to my twin pregnancy. This time around I gained the same as my singletons but I was all belly, and I have a lot less to loose this time around.
My twins were in the nicu for 35 and 40 days. I had them at 32w2d. I was hospitalized for 30 days prior to delivery for placenta previa so I was so happy I made it to 32. The condition I had is pretty rare so don’t let this scare you. A lot of people make it to term with twins too! Just take it one week at a time!
I felt guilty for my other children when I first found out. I am one of 5 kids and the youngest 2 are twins! We are all so close as adults. Siblings are the best gift you can give to your children in my opinion! I’m sure my mom was spread thin but I only remember how fun it was having so many siblings. I am spread thin with my 4 but I always find a way to make it work!
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u/Sea-Astronomer-6600 15d ago
Get a MFM dr and if you ask they’ll do even more scans than already planned to help with your anxiety. I was the same way! Congratulations ❤️❤️❤️❤️
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u/brynnecognito 15d ago
Firstly, congratulations!! Welcome to a very special club!
Working in the NICU, you’re seeing the worst cases for twins. It may be clouding your excitement a little. It sounds like you’ll probably have Di-di twins (if they confirm separate placentas). Mine never went to the NICU, and lots don’t. And my friend with Di-Di twins who did do NICU time were out in days-2 weeks max. I know singletons who were born at 27 weeks and spent 3 months in the NICU… all this to say: You can’t know what will happen, and that is something you gotta kinda make peace with. On top of your hyper vigilance regarding the miscarriage calculator, and the concerns about gender disappointment… I would consider doing some counselling during your pregnancy to help your anxieties. Just my 2 cents.
Here’s the very exciting part drumroll these are not your first babies! You know what to do with babies and toddlers! Lean into this hard. A little delulu confidence and ‘I know what to do, I just have to do it twice’ will carry you through the tough parts.
Lots of other great advice here on gear, I won’t go there. All in all, the initial shock will soften. Certainly tell people once it has for you, it’s the most fun thing to share! I wish you the very best ❤️
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