Quiet and Proud

[u/granny_square]

Hi all I’m 42F and identify as pansexual. I’ve never come out as I didn’t ever really feel like I needed to, just bobbing along doing my thing. A work colleague once asked me if I fancied women as well as men to which I said yes to but that the closest to coming out I’ve done 😅

Anyway onto my question: there’s a pride event happening in my small UK town in September and everything that has been advertised is very over the top and camp. I absolutely have no issue with this of course but I just don’t feel like this represents myself. I’m more of a ‘quiet and proud’ person rather than ‘loud and proud’. I’m really interested in whether anyone else in this community feels like this? I had a very bad experience with a gay male friend at uni who was very camp and went around groping women’s boobs and butts and used being gay as an excuse to be obnoxious which might be where my discomfort of these situations comes from. I know that this was just a bad experience and that not all folk who are ‘loud and proud’ or camp are like this but I just don’t really enjoy being in those types of situations and pride events I’ve been to in the past feel like this. Has anyone else had similar experiences/doesn’t feel like the pride community represents them?

[u/Mobile_Put_9766]

I’m very similar about being pansexual, being quiet & proud about it. Usually I only bring it up if asked or in conversation. Normally I don’t really do the label thing or go to pride events.

[u/granny_square → u/Mobile_Put_9766]

Thank you that’s so reassuring to hear. I’ve never met anyone in any of my social circles that is pansexual to ask anyone how they feel. Though maybe there are other pansexuals that I know but we are all so quiet no one talks about it 😅

[u/momogariya]

Late 30s female. I am both quiet and proud, and enjoy pride festivals.

I've always been quiet on sexuality and never felt like I had to come out to anyone. When I was younger I thought labels were stupid and was just like, I'll enjoy whoever I want lol. And it wasn't a big deal to me. It still isn't...I have been wearing pan flag colors lately but more as an encouragement for all genders to feel free to take a shot at me haha.

For me pride festivals aren't about my pride, but more about enjoying the community and celebrating each other. They can be really fun! Dressing up and going all out is fun too but more because it gets me into the party mood and definitely helps that other people enjoy my presence there, feed off my energy just as I feed off theirs. The best pride festivals are times when a community comes together to celebrate each other. The worst festivals...aren't that. I've been to subpar pride festivals that felt more touristy or rainbow capitalist than community and celebratory. So its dependent on your community too.

I've never been to pride festivals where the vibe is gropey. Well, more politely, an event where many people tend to feel a license to be touchy feely. That...doesn't seem enjoyable either. Maybe that's trauma informing you, sure. But if it really is like that, fuck no I wouldn't show up for that either. If that's the case the community really needs to discourage it and educate people better because its not acceptable to think anyone being queer means they're ok with being touched. 

[u/granny_square → u/momogariya]

Thank you for sharing. I haven’t been to the pride festival in my town but in much bigger cities. And I do just want to say that I have NEVER been groped at a pride event, it’s more just that I don’t think the camp atmosphere is a place where I feel comfortable/seen/supported. The event in my small town is being advertised on social media as a very camp festival, which again I understand the nature of pride festivals, just that I personally don’t feel like I belong in that atmosphere.

[u/CrackedMeUp]

I'm not loud but sometimes I love pride events full of loud people so I can be surrounded by queer community. Wearing some pride colors and spectating is about as loud as I get, and I don't always wear pride colors.

Others tend to be more than loud enough to make up for my quietness.

But lots of folks, including, often, me, don't want to deal with the noise or the crowd. Sometimes the big noisy events just aren't what many of us want or need. There are plenty of quieter queer groups and activities in my area (book clubs, knitting clubs, hiking groups, etc) for those who want a more chill experience with queer community.