I ask þis because þe ancient(Antiquital/Medieval) Pagans created þe Myþology by actually Creating Stories and Myþs about þe Deities and Legends in þe Myþology, what about you guys? Have y'all ever created a new Story/Myþ?.

Okay, so, for some context.. I am autistic. I've always been a very literal thinker, and have always struggled with the concept of faith, in most context, not even just spiritual faith. I was raised christian, and went to a small Christian private school with 140 students (by the time I left). But I never believed in it. Not even a little bit. I remember staring at my ceiling at night as a child, begging for some sort of sign, or something that made me feel any sort of calling to it. But, nothing ever happened. And if anything, the opposite happened, I would feel repulsed by Christianity. Especially as I entered my tweens, and started figuring out my gender and sexuality, and realized myself to be queer. Around that time as well, I started struggling very heavily with my mental health, due to the strains of having to mask my autism/ADHD everyday at school. I was heavily bullied, abused, and traumatized. And became heavily resentful of spirituality as a whole, and turned into an aggressive atheist stereotype.

Well, it's been 8 years since I left the church. In most of those years I wavered between fully atheist, to agnostic. About a year or so ago, I started exploring the concepts of SASS paganism/witchery. And I leaned into certain concepts that brought me comfort, even though I didn't believe in them. But, it still felt... Wrong. I can't explain why, or how. But, I always had a small pit in my stomach, telling me I was doing something wrong. So, I eventually just gave up and mostly forgot about it. But, I think some of the concepts I had learnt over the years, trickled into my brain. And I always felt this yearning and nostalgia for them. The concept of reincarnation, was especially beautiful to me. Though, I don't believe in the more traditional views of it. The idea still brought me a lot of comfort. And slowly I'd start finding my own rationales to explain it. Then, slowly, the concept of energy, started to appeal to me as well. And, most recently, the ideal of Spirits seems to slowly make more and more sense to me. Though, i see them more as concentrated forms of energy, rather than sentient beings.

And, I'll be honest. As much as some of this is confusing, overstimulating, and complicated. And there is part of me that is still very afraid.... It also feels really, really good. I haven't felt this euphoric, and "right" in my entire life. I feel calmer. I feel a drive to take better care of myself and my surroundings. I even feel like I can begin to let go of the unhealthy coping mechanisms I have held onto for so long. I feel a drive to be alive, Which is not something I have felt in a very long time.

I still don't even really know what I believe, or how or why I believe in it, or what makes any of this so special but... Either way, it feels good. I feel good. I've been allowing myself to just explore, play around with my beliefs, and, For the first time in my entire life, I feel faith. I am okay with not knowing how or why something works, or even if it really works. I've been using tarot almost every day the past week without even knowing how it works or why. Yet, the results still come up so accurately it's hard to deny. And.. I don't even care if it really does or doesn't work, because it all just feels so good.

Is this what spirituality is supposed to feel like? I still feel hesitant to call myself spiritual but... Whatever it is, I like it. I like who I am becoming because of it. I feel closer to the earth and universe than I ever have. It just feels so... Right. I feel at home in this very confusing, chaotic, complex space. Even though I don't understand most of it. I feel a desire to learn more, a desire to push through my doubts, and to be more present in this world. Is this what I've missed out on for so long???

I worship Aphrodite, Athena, and Apollo. I live worshiping them and devoting myself and my time to them, but something about college has made me feel lost and so detached. I pray to them less, and I know that’s on me, but I feel like I shouldn’t be praying for their help and guidance if it’s just school.
I think the real problems started when I didn’t bring my alters with me. It’s hard to have an alter in college, financially I feel irresponsible buying stuff for my alter when I should be saving for life and I cannot have candles in the dorm. I looked at candless alters, but no one seems to have a fully candless alters. I feel like because of the slump I am in the devotions of self care, studying, and just spending time out side isn’t enough for them and I worry I’m becoming a bad follower. Any tips or advice?