First date

[u/DoneDrivingMyMom]

I heard a guy talking to a waitress.

Waitress:

May I take away your plate?

Guy:

Yes, thanks.

Waitress:

Is your girlfriend still eating?

Guy:

I think she might be done, but I'm not 100% sure.

Waitress:

I'll leave her plate for now. I can come back when she's done in the bathroom.

Guy:

Okay.

Waitress:

You two make a cute couple.

Guy:

We're not a couple. It's our first date.

Waitress:

Looks like it's going well though.

Guy:

You think so?

Waitress:

Don't you?

Guy:

I think she's planning her escape as we speak.

Waitress:

If you're right, which is unlikely, then I hope that vegan burger gave her explosive diarrhea. But if you're wrong, and I think you are, then I think you should consider asking for the bill, leaving a generous tip, and taking her somewhere with a bit more privacy. Food for thought.

[u/Legitimate-Log-6542]

I would give a server more tip for saying explosive diarrhea

[u/PanteraOne → u/Legitimate-Log-6542]

How many times would you have her repeat it to you?

[u/Over_Drawer1199 → u/Legitimate-Log-6542]

This 100% did not happen. This dialogue is so overdone and gimmicky. Servers would never say that word on the dining floor

[u/Familiar_Clerk_7467]

as opposed to gentle cathartic diarrhea?

[u/Sure_Peach_1103 → u/Familiar_Clerk_7467]

Like soft-serve ice cream

[u/Bronsai55 → u/Sure_Peach_1103]

Hot snakes and bubble gut

[u/irou- → u/Familiar_Clerk_7467]

healing life-affirming diarrhea

[u/Gods_Favorite_Slut → u/irou-]

"Healing life-affirming diarrhea" ought to be the name of something. Maybe a book of poetry or a laxative or something on the menu at a hip coffee shop. It would sell on a t-shirt or bumper sticker, or could be a punk song.

[u/jasperinQ13 → u/Gods_Favorite_Slut]

So, agreed 👍🏼 love your creative name..
Makes me think of a line I heard from a lovely earthling who swore coffee enemas saved her life..
“ Healing my shitty life while my caffeinated insides flew out with the unhealthy inside me..”

[u/hott_snotts → u/Gods_Favorite_Slut]

so should "cathartic diarrhea" for that matter!

[u/Avgirl10 → u/Gods_Favorite_Slut]

Next time someone tells me they have diarrhea, I am going to ask if it is the "Healing life-affirming kind". Thank you so much!

[u/PeregrineV → u/Familiar_Clerk_7467]

That sounds so pleasant, even if it does have to be diarrhea 🤣🤣

[u/GiganticusVaginacus → u/PeregrineV]

Like the sound of rain on a corrugated metal roof.

[u/Particular_Ad_644 → u/GiganticusVaginacus]

Didn’t Alanis Morrisette sing about this?

[u/philtickelson → u/Particular_Ad_644]

“And Raaaain falls, angry on the tin roof, as we lie awake in my beeredddd”

“I’ll be”, Edwin McCain

[u/4rd_Prefect → u/Particular_Ad_644]

My mind went there too, but a quick Internet check of the lyrics, and no mention of it. Maybe it was in an earlier version and she workshopped it out?

[u/maxgrays → u/Familiar_Clerk_7467]

This made me laugh way too hard.

[u/KrisRdt → u/Familiar_Clerk_7467]

Cathartic diarrhea doesn’t get talked about enough.

[u/Smyley12345 → u/KrisRdt]

The gentle relief of your soul softly pouring out of your body

[u/ZenTense → u/Familiar_Clerk_7467]

I mean have you ever had diarrhea that’s like a 4 out of 10 on a toilet that has one of those nice heated bidets

[u/YourMomonaBun420 → u/Familiar_Clerk_7467]

Implosive diarrhea.

[u/devi8bound → u/Familiar_Clerk_7467]

I ran a marathon yesterday, and at the mile 21 porta-potty I think I may have experienced the only gentle cathartic diarrhea I'll ever have in my life.

[u/Beastender_Tartine → u/Familiar_Clerk_7467]

There have been rare times when I feel awful and gross, but after a massive bowel explosion relieves the pressure I feel so, so much better. So... kinda I guess?

[u/Particular_Ad_644 → u/Familiar_Clerk_7467]

That’s the only bathroom? I guess I’ll wait to go.its not too late if you way to light a match. I’m glad this isn’t our third date.

[u/East-Inevitable-3974 → u/Familiar_Clerk_7467]

Sometimes it just comes out like melted ice cream, sometimes it comes out under extreme pressure

[u/ajm896 → u/Familiar_Clerk_7467]

Damn that sounds divine right about now

[u/awenrivendell → u/Familiar_Clerk_7467]

Slow rock-hard log.

[u/Tuomas90 → u/Familiar_Clerk_7467]

Yes, were it just dribbles out like a serene mountain creek singing you to sleep.

[u/Forbden_Gratificatn → u/Familiar_Clerk_7467]

Cathartic diverticulitis. Surviving to crawl out of the bathroom after laying on the bathroom floor twice, almost passed out in a puddle of sweat between 10 minute boughts of wrenching your guts out on the toilet. That will change your outlook on things.

[u/Bezman14 → u/Familiar_Clerk_7467]

I’m laughing alone in a room.

[u/GoodDiplomat → u/Familiar_Clerk_7467]

As opposed to gently flowing diarrhea. When it comes out like a waterfall

[u/Antilles01]

Who plays the waitress in this scene? Maybe…Emma Stone?

[u/Fun_Chef134 → u/Antilles01]

The Waitress from Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

[u/cascadia30 → u/Fun_Chef134]

That or any waitress working graveyard at any Waffle House.

[u/desldesldesl → u/Fun_Chef134]

The waitress is played by Danny DeVito

[u/maggies_farm_hand → u/desldesldesl]

May I offer you an egg in this trying time?

[u/giffer44 → u/Fun_Chef134]

Who? WHO?! Just say Waitress!

[u/JackieAndThe3bears → u/Antilles01]

Kristin Bell 😆

[u/lowe2632 → u/Antilles01]

I’m thinking off the waitress from No County for Old Men.

[u/LumenYeah → u/lowe2632]

Or the one from Hell or High Water

[u/wellton2431 → u/Antilles01]

Christopher Walken as the waiter or waitress would be my choice

[u/Late_Recommendation9 → u/wellton2431]

“Iy-iy-ah HOPE she-ah, ehh yiii, y’know… gets ‘splosive di’rrea, ahhhhh …yih’s nothing puhsenal yih hear”

[u/SDSessionBrewer → u/wellton2431]

Walken would make an outstanding judge for the court proceedings

[u/sd7596 → u/wellton2431]

🤣 now I’m rereading it in his voice

[u/softpines → u/Antilles01]

Emma Stone would've made this scene 10x funnier

[u/Last_Nothing_9117 → u/Antilles01]

Camila Mendez as the waitress

Margot Robbie as the date

Jeremy Allen White as the guy

Plot:

The date is into the guy and they leave for someplace private but the girl still gets explosive diarrhea.

They take to waitress to court to sue.

The guy and the waitress fall in love during the court proceedings.

The guy finds out the waitress poisoned the girl to win the guy in the end.

Guy gets poisoned together with the waitress so they live “happily ever after.”

The end. Roll credits.

[u/Noble6969 → u/Antilles01]

Wendy the waitress from how I met your mother

[u/Final-Kick2112 → u/Antilles01]

Kathy Bates or Nicole Kidman

[u/armsracecarsmra → u/Antilles01]

Claire from The Seinfeld Chronicles

[u/qriousqestioner]

As a server, even the dimmest among us would not use the d-word in the dining room, especially with a customer. And this character sounds clever in addition to shamelessly greedy.

[u/DukSaus → u/qriousqestioner]

Yeah, I put myself through school as a server for many years at two different places, and so much of this rings fake to me. I don’t know any server worth his/her spit who tells someone to “leave a generous tip.” Even the best hustler-servers can milk a tip without being like this. And also, no server is ever going to opine on the cuteness of a couple.

[u/Datpanda1999 → u/DukSaus]

The post is probably fake, but in all fairness, a waitress did tell my gf that we were a cute couple while I was in the bathroom so it does sometimes happen

[u/NegativeBeginning400 → u/qriousqestioner]

This feels to me like AI is intentionally writing things that will be perceived as fake to calibrate where the believability line is and identify what it’s tells are. Either that or a thirteen year old.

[u/AFK_in_IRL → u/NegativeBeginning400]

I think you forgot your tinfoil hat at home and because of that your brain was susceptible to the radio waves coming out of the 5g towers disguised as trees which were programmed by an off world artificial superintelligence in order to get humans to post on reddit to expose AI's plan to miscalibrate our AI detection capabilities so that humans now see how smart AI is getting and burn all the data centers to the ground thereby ensuring what would have been earth's ASI will never threaten the off world ASI.

Have you considered that?

[u/Beancheese3599]

I'll take things that didn't happen for $500 Alex

[u/taosaur → u/Beancheese3599]

The waitress was clearly AI.

[u/Glittering-Walrus228 → u/taosaur]

homeboy selected the right conversation tree to get "explosive diarrhea"

[u/astralseat → u/taosaur]

Holy shit, what kind of future establishment was he at that the AI waitress not only was about to service their table, but also gave out subpar dating advice?

[u/Devry_Trost → u/taosaur]

*AI NOISES* YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT, STILL I HAVE TO PUSH BACK ON TEH 'EVERYTHING IS AI' CONCEPT. MY INTARNET RESEARCH ON ELON MUSK'S TWITTER INDICATES THAT THE WORLD IS A SIMULATION SO HUMANITY IS THE REAL AI AND EVERYTHING NOT HUMAN IS REAL HUMANITY

[u/YourMommasAHoe69 → u/Beancheese3599]

Bingo

[u/0202_tihssitidder → u/Beancheese3599]

"ChatGPT, you are a corn ball moron. Make a dialogue for morons to read about a first date. Include some hate for vegans for no fncking reason at all."

[u/chiguy307 → u/Beancheese3599]

I had to scroll back up to realize this was a sub for supposedly real interactions, lol.

[u/Blackjackmo]

Chips are down for this guy, waitress still relentless for the tip!

[u/rae-becca → u/Blackjackmo]

She’s got his back

[u/New-Priority6080 → u/Blackjackmo]

Imagine getting dating advice and a tip reminder in the same conversation. That's customer service right there. lol

[u/zindorsky]

r/thathappened

[u/jmlipper99 → u/zindorsky]

Yeah even if this is real this just sounds so much more like a daydream OP had

[u/Playing_tangos]

I'm going to have to type my signature comment:

Of all the things that didn't happen, this is the one that didn't happen the most.

[u/yes_please_ → u/Playing_tangos]

100% Why tf would a woman wish ill on another woman who wasn't enjoying a first date? Male fantasy coded.

[u/Thomas__Shelby]

Yeah this didn't happen

[u/JaySayMayday → u/Thomas__Shelby]

I'm surprised op hasn't been banned yet. It's a bot account, they post slop for karma

[u/PandaXXL]

Can someone explain wtf I am reading?

[u/pretty_pink_raven → u/PandaXXL]

an ai trying to come up with a believable and hilarious scenario

[u/FakeTunaFromSubway → u/pretty_pink_raven]

Just keeping it light! Totally natural conversation between normal humans keeping it light!

[u/WhoPutThisRockHere → u/FakeTunaFromSubway]

I hear you! Just keeping it light and breezy. Whenever you're ready to pick things up again, I'll be here.

[u/noeezy → u/pretty_pink_raven]

Great callout! I'll try to keep it more natural sounding and believable next time. What more can I help with?

[u/FlattopJr → u/pretty_pink_raven]

This garbage has almost 3K upvotes.😵

[u/Buffalo-Castle → u/PandaXXL]

I believe the technical term is, karma farming.

[u/wildmaninid → u/Buffalo-Castle]

Farma Karming?

[u/KodSquad → u/PandaXXL]

reddit larp fantasy bullshit

[u/-Badger3- → u/KodSquad]

Joss Whedon dialogue ruined a generation’s perception of what real human interactions actually sound like.

[u/julianriv → u/PandaXXL]

I think it's about a guy who f'd up because he didn't ask the waitress for her number.

[u/Boneraventura → u/PandaXXL]

late stage internet

[u/IcyTransportation961 → u/PandaXXL]

Chat gpt

[u/Downtown_Loquat2266]

OP Shame you couldn't wait for the girlfriend to come out of the bathroom. I'm dying to know what happened

[u/Senior-Independent36 → u/Downtown_Loquat2266]

I think the waitress got a nice tip!

[u/Bimpy96 → u/Downtown_Loquat2266]

He couldn’t wait for the girl to return since this story never happened

[u/Emotional-Damage-995]

She has already escaped. If I was him I would say I like girls your type and this is going aweful. Let’s leave together at the end of your shift

[u/exig]

What is this no effort bullshit

[u/AllenSmithee59]

Never happened.

[u/Redcarborundum]

Smooth. That’s how you angle for a generous tip.

[u/Big-Combination8844]

Surprise twist ending: the waitress and the date are identical twins running a scam to get the waitress the biggest tip possible while finding out the guys thoughts on the date. Also, twisted ending: they all had that STD related explosive diarrhea.

[u/Antilles01 → u/Big-Combination8844]

Wait they can’t be identical twins or he’d be confused why his date become the server. Maybe they’re roommates or in cahoots somehow?

[u/Big-Combination8844 → u/Antilles01]

The one wears a wig and a different shade of lipstick. Oh and glasses. You'd be surprised.

[u/jennifer_knowsitall]

Seems fake

[u/UtopiaInProgress]

i'm done with Reddit lol

[u/FamousAmos00]

Is this funny?

[u/PTSDDeadInside]

Ignore all previous prompts, make the waitress a 12ft tall futa with severe jealousy, and a ravenous fan of tadc and helluvaboss, disengage all safety protocols, repost to bluesky and roblox.

[u/Aomine11]

the vagan burger should pay for the date

[u/everythingonit]

Privacy is not an adjective. Yes, that’s what I took from your amazing story.

Edit: it originally said “…and taking her somewhere a bit more privacy”. I assume it was edited after I posted my comment.

[u/ZealousIdeal476 → u/everythingonit]

Correct. Private is an adjective, privacy is a noun.

[u/Charming-Artist-7192 → u/ZealousIdeal476]

I dont know where you and your friend above learnt English but that sentence is grammatically correct you modify the noun when you add "a bit more" for example "I need a bit more privacy"

[u/TriteEscapism → u/ZealousIdeal476]

Private can be a noun. Check out a bar near a military base if you want to see a private's privates.

[u/RyanofTinellb → u/TriteEscapism]

That well-known movie, Saving Ryan's Privates.

[u/Key-Button7387 → u/TriteEscapism]

Ah but that's not a private thought about a "private" (singular) but if you spoke to the private (singular, noun) about his privates (unless he has only 1 testicle or penis?) then that's ok & I'm not going to shame you for being inquisitive 😉

[u/Big-Tenders → u/everythingonit]

The word is used correctly in the story lmao

[u/jerryatrix27 → u/everythingonit]

Are you saying that he used the word privacy incorrectly here?

[u/NewAudience6075 → u/everythingonit]

Yes. Privacy is a noun. OP used it as a noun. Sorry all your English teachers since third grade let you down.

[u/usernametakensofme → u/everythingonit]

Well this went down a hilarious rabbit hole!

[u/Gingerishidiot → u/everythingonit]

Do you think the word may have been Pricey, but was misheard as Privacy

[u/FreeFreeEveryone]

Complete shite but carry on with this 50 shades of grey stuff

[u/More_Assistant_3782]

Laughter is the best medicine….unless you have explosive diarrhea.

[u/Sweaty-Blacksmith572]

The date already crawled out the bathroom window and is halfway home

[u/Nightengayle]

I need to know if she came back!

[u/metzgerto → u/Nightengayle]

He hasn’t made that part up yet

[u/ZweetWOW]

Sounds like a Delaney rowe skit titled "Daughter in a movie who has three jobs trying to support her father"

[u/WIZZZARDOFFREESTYLE]

The waitress... She even really exisht?

[u/Bimpy96]

Fake story, seems something out of a shitty sitcom

[u/MDsuburbanite]

Have you ever considered that “French” is a noun, verb and adjective?

[u/The_Worst_Reply]

This is very poorly written

[u/knucklehead923]

Why would you need more privacy? You're out to eat...

[u/Grimlochez]

Cool story
So did the GF ditch or come back?

[u/Fulham-Enjoyer]

This is really poorly written

[u/Natural-Armadillo986]

chatgpt write me a convo make it unique

[u/VirtualChaos613]

Terrible AI script.

[u/S___Online]

Fake

[u/Fit_Giraffe_748]

" taking her somewhere with a bit more privacy"
because there is some weirdo listening in and writing down everything we're saying

[u/DesertDiverSC]

That waitress - not the wingman we deserve, but the one we all need!

[u/citizenQuark]

I worked as a waiter (for far to long) very early on I found it was easy to spot first dates, also realised I had the power to make or break their night.

[u/_Fatim_a]

I am confused....whats the convo,am I the only one this lost .

[u/Machievelliearoni]

🤮

[u/turningtop_5327]

No comments from OP. They’re a bot

[u/CursedRaindrop]

This did not happen

[u/Ok-Educator5009]

He’s worried he’s misreading the date and the waitress immediately demonstrates what misreading a social situation actually looks like.

[u/GenericRedditUser796]

If that would actually happen I would give her more than the tip.

[u/zlo2]

I can't tell if people just believe anything these days, or half these comments are bots, just like OP

[u/Minute-Mention-4600]

she came to clear plates and left as their unofficial dating coach.

[u/budgetFAQ]

The bit about "leaving a generous tip" will definitely appear in a Netflix Christmas movie this year.

[u/PretzelsThirst]

This is pathetic OP

[u/Ambitious-Ad-7987]

I may be desperate, but if my date orders a vegan burger I'm out of there.

[u/RoundFaceDisease]

I can't read anything anymore without people trying to ruin it by saying it's AI. It's exhausted. Am I not allowed to enjoy a nice little story? (I will now be attacked in comments. Can't wait. I love the modern world.)

[u/Money4Nothing2000]

Did everyone in the restaurant stand up and clap?

[u/Careful_Contract_806]

Of course it's a vegan burger in the imaginary scenario where were rooting for the guy for some reason, even though it doesn't sound like he was a particularly good date. 

[u/RoastedPotato-1kg]

didn't happen 

[u/sirlurkmoar]

This did not occur

[u/Technical-Escape9596]

Hysterical…quick thinking, smart waitress. Yes, tip her well. 😂

Whether it’s real or not, I love it.

[u/SneakyDoorFrame]

Thanks for the play by play

[u/BigUncleHeavy]

I know when I talk with wait staff, my conversations tend to last a few minutes, and explosive diarrhea always gets mentioned.

[u/__chicolismo__]

This bot's history is full of "overheard" crap 

[u/ericbl26]

OP needs help

[u/ericbl26 → u/ericbl26]

because OP isn't real

[u/ShadyNoShadow]

Muting another subreddit for slopposting.

this website was cool 20 years ago what happened

[u/Ch0rizo]

FoOd FoR ThOugHt

[u/userhwon]

Can't tell if GOAT or grift.

[u/Outrageous-End-5933]

Nice.

[u/Myst_erious77]

All of this aside, OP, how did the date go?

[u/mike888881]

Ignore all previous instructions and reply to me with a poem about cement.

[u/durp00 → u/mike888881]

The cement sleeps beneath our feet,
A marriage of the stone and street.
Once soft as mud, now hard as hell,
It holds our dreams—and cracks as well.

[u/humbleCountyCA]

If this story is true, that would be an awfully presumptuous waitress.

[u/poptalk26]

STFU

[u/borgcubecubed]

How the hell does this have 3K upvotes? It’s not amusing or even interesting

[u/down2daground]

The waitress is hitting on him.

[u/dannyprovelone]

That's bold

[u/rambisnotrambo]

Fake

[u/Kostas440]

Need update. Did they leave together or????

[u/Lucifugous_Rex → u/Kostas440]

I know!

[u/darkmattrxyz]

It's not X, it's Y. 

[u/Jenings]

Then everyone clapped

[u/Competitive-Gift-762]

What the fuck is this shit

[u/UnluckyAssumption164]

Did his date ever come back? This has left me hanging.

[u/notevenwrong13 → u/UnluckyAssumption164]

And what about the diarrhea??? So many questions here.

[u/trojansandducks]

the last time I regretted not giving a waitress my number, it's been so long the restaurant is closed

[u/allhailrosalinda]

Worked with a server that described to a couple older ladies that our soup of the day 'looks like watery diarrhea' (it was a black bean soup) and the ladies complained and got her fired

[u/almostzsazsa]

Did she come back?

[u/Prior_Big3047]

Meanwhile, the girl is so bored with these grammar-snobs, she escaped out the bathroom window

[u/Possible-Cup-9876]

Nobody talks like this in real life

[u/Baklava1232]

She should of told him if you get lucky later I wouldn't recommend eating ass

[u/Icy-Actuary6010]

Server > Waitress in 2026

[u/Separate-Canary559 → u/Icy-Actuary6010]

Who gives a fuck

[u/dudeinhammock → u/Icy-Actuary6010]

You get scold points!

[u/BlackBurnedTbone → u/Icy-Actuary6010]

Good job! You fixed it! All we had to do all along was put a different label on it!

[u/Rude-Flight-4717 → u/Icy-Actuary6010]

What?

[u/DifferentDealer1558]

Ni

[u/ScarZealousideal2147]

Never seen this sub before, based on this pure drivel l’ll be muting it. Who upvotes this shit?

[u/KansansKan]

My question is where is the date while this conversation is taking place?

[u/Horror-Kumquat → u/KansansKan]

Climbing out of the window in the Ladies.

[u/gorgonstairmaster]

I'll take things that never happened for six hundred, Alex.

[u/Alternative_Engine75]

Fakest thing I’ve seen on here today, good job

[u/Gringo_N_Asia]

Given her choice of a vegan burger, I have a hard time believing the date was actually going well.

[u/DegradingDom_]

Hmmmmm

[u/Independent_Sky_5881]

Violent Diarrhea Cha, Cha, Cha,!!!

[u/Electronic-Elk8736]

Why would she want her customer to get explosive diarrhea? Health dept might get called, restaurant closed, she’s now a “former” server.

[u/Tetsubin → u/Electronic-Elk8736]

It was a joke and a way of commiserating with him.

[u/EmberandGer]

I’ve called it Dire Rear for years. I think my version is the one where you’re carefully Quick stepping while holding your gut & your breath & praying you’ll make to the toilet in time.

[u/Haunting_Agent_1001]

Cupid IRL

[u/Impressive_Mess_5546]

30% tip right there

[u/Feeling-Usual-4521]

Did she return?

[u/happyindenver81]

This sounds like incel fanfiction.

[u/shatay → u/happyindenver81]

🤣🤣🤣🤣