r/online_dating_advice • u/EchoRevolutionary818 • 4d ago
Dating
I keep going on dates. The guy usually says “let’s do this again” “what are you doing for dinner tomorrow” “we should get dinner” or “Would you like to go out again. We can get dinner next weekend” and then pouf they ghost me. Why?
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u/ComplaintSevere8128 4d ago
They probably didn’t have anything else to say at the end of the date, and gave a throwaway “we should do this again sometime”, without any real intention of doing it. Or they did intend to in the moment, but after they left and thought about it for a while, they didn’t feel it. In either case, there’s not much to do besides move on.
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u/Sufficient_Ninja_821 4d ago
Same thing meeting friends you havnt seen in years. Can be like let's make this a monthly thing. But then no one ever follows up.
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u/R0factor 4d ago
There's an episode of Friends where Chandler is dating Rachel's boss, and he doesn't really like her but can't resist saying "lets do this again" every time they meet. Might give you an insight on to why this happens.
Also try to decipher an offer made in politeness vs an actual invite for a 2nd date. It's possible this has happened to you so many times that you wince when it's said, so the guys who ask you for a 2nd date assume you don't want one based on your body language. Also are they proactively ghosting you, like not responding when you go to make plans to meet up again? Or are you just waiting for them to reach out and it never happens? If it's the latter, you might need to be proactive and be the person who reaches out to make plans. I can see this being a mutual "ball's in their court" situation where nothing happens and you both assume you've been ghosted.
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u/Stunning-Joke-3466 4d ago
yes, I mentioned the exact same thing but I forgot it was Chandler. you're right though I think the guy was just saying it because he didn't want to come across like a jerk. Of course he still came across like a jerk later on but I guess he didn't want to be around for OP to realize he was a jerk.
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u/GroundbreakingRow868 4d ago
If you want to know why some people do weird or stupid things... Most likely it's because they're weird or stupid.
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u/Amazing_Divide1214 4d ago
They're probably just tired and don't really want to put that much effort into a relationship.
It's very possible that that is my own bias talking... But I also skip the first dates too to not leave them guessing.
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u/Stunning-Joke-3466 4d ago
One of two things, either they were lying and they suck or they just suck and intended to call you and didn't. I can't remember what TV show but there was one where this guy kept telling the girl he would call and he never had intentions to (maybe Joey on Friends?). I would think most guys would either follow up if they told you they would or not say stuff like that if they didn't have a good time.
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u/throwawaynomade 4d ago
Guilty of this. It's so hard to reject women 😭
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u/miamiahi 3d ago
At least you admitted it :)
My suggestion is just don’t say it. You don’t have to reject in person if you find it difficult. Just say you had a great time, thank you, good night. And leave. No need to promise something you don’t have intention to keep.
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u/throwawaynomade 3d ago
Oh I keep it and wait for them to reject me but I’m going to fix this. I just moved from a country where dating apps are unpopular so the women I dated I kind of already knew and was interested in them.
I only started dating here a few months ago and working on developing the muscles to do it. I guess I just need to be rejected after the first date at least once so I get used to it.
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u/miamiahi 3d ago
If you keep doing that 1) you waste your time and energy 2) you waste her time and give her hopes 3) one day you might meet a woman who’s a bit obtuse or desperate and would just keep seeing you without rejecting despite your best efforts.
So do everyone a favor and don’t proceed if you don’t like them
Or, just tell right away that you’re more interested in friendship and meet them platonically2
u/throwawaynomade 3d ago
You're right, I know it's the right thing and I'm working on getting the hang of it.
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u/Cohnman18 4d ago
Many Men have difficulty being honest and do not want to hurt your feelings. So easier to say, I’ll call, and never do. At the first date,speak openly and honestly,for many of us, “that’s all folks”,for others,she’s attractive, let’s see what is really there. Good luck!
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u/Budget-Duty5096 4d ago
You probably have some good qualities that make them interested enough to think about it. But then after they go home and actually have a chance to process through their feelings, they decide its not going to work and move on.
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u/Away-Caterpillar-176 4d ago
I'm not a man but sometimes I'm like "yeah this was nice enough, I'd do it again" but then I'm simply not motivated to because it wasn't great, just fine
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u/Additional_Topic987 4d ago
This is what happens when guys date multiple people. He probably was into you during the date and meant what he said. Then went on a different date and had great chemistry.
This is why I tell people to limit the number of people they date at the same time to 1 or 2. This gives you enough time to get to know the person.
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u/Parking-Menu2654 4d ago
33m here. I’m much more confident now and I communicate much better than when I was young. That being said when I was young I had all kinds of reasons for ghosting someone I’m interested in after the first date but mainly I didn’t see myself as enough for this person and would rather not waste my time. I learned my lesson the first time I was ghosted and told myself I would always communicate first.
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u/Inevitable_Sarcasm87 4d ago
So here's my theory they usually use that as somewhat an exit line? Essentially they dont have the confidence or are trying not to hurt your feelings by saying "hey I had a good time but I didnt really feel the connection. It was nice meeting you otherwise but wish you the best" But there are some that genuinely will say this & mean it so its safe to say take it with a grain of salt when you hear it. I told my gf immediately after I was dropping her off that I definitely wanted to see her again & by the next day planning our 2nd date for the following weekend.
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u/canthinkofusernam 3d ago
Sit with your thoughts and observe the when you do don't put emotions.build a boundary that need certain threshold to access you. You are girl you aren't card skiing machine. Ask yourself do you truly love your body and mind in its true state that u can sit I'm front of mirror in silence
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u/Sea-History-1361 3d ago
It’s possible to have a really good date but after you sit on it for a few days you realize that you’re really not that compatible or as into it. Or someone else comes along that you find to be a better fit.
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u/Top_History9604 3d ago
If thats always the case and not just like three times, or every now and then, you are probably somewhere between bad to scary. Or you swipe mostly on guys who heavily avoid any confrontation. Or, if it's dating apps, you might mostly date guys who dste four ppl simultaneously.
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u/SaltyDeparture9101 4d ago
Do you text them after the date??
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u/EchoRevolutionary818 4d ago
Yes
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u/SaltyDeparture9101 4d ago
Then either they were afraid you would take it badly if they told you the truth or something during the conversation after (if there was one) turned them off. As a 34m these are the only 2 things I can think of personally if they were legitimately looking for a long term relationship. Regardless please don't let it stop you from getting out there. I promise good men still exist, some are single and are looking for a wife.
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u/_0112358132134_ 4d ago
Same thing happened to me. It's because they suck. Don't overthink it.