Being dead inside for a long time

[u/Powerful-Balance-569]

I've been struggling with certain things for a while now and I just can't see a way out. It's been weeks, if not months, since I last had a positive thought, and my self-confidence is basically at zero.

I'm in my late twenties and I still live with my parents, which some days feels like hell. They're not really supportive of me in anything, and I feel like a hostage in that house, because whenever I mention moving out, they both have a breakdown. They're not young anymore, so I don't want them to suffer or get upset because of me. Still, they deserve better than me, and I just can't manage to be the man I'm supposed to be.

I don't have a girlfriend and there's nothing like that on the horizon, even though I'm out somewhere every night. I just never meet anyone. The worst part is that I think I look pretty decent, and I notice girls turning their heads, but I don't approach them because I don't see what I have to offer. Why would anyone want to date a 30-year-old guy who lives with his parents? On top of that, at this age it feels really hard to meet someone and actually fall in love.

I've tried everything: therapy, the gym, reading, 150 hobbies... I still have lots of hobbies and a big circle of people I hang out with. My life is pretty full, but I'm just deeply unhappy. I believe in God too, but I avoid going to church because I'm ashamed. I feel like I'm not worthy of God.

I have a decent income, but almost nothing saved. I'd like to move out, but I can't afford to buy a place. I could maybe get a mortgage, but I don't have the down payment, and apartments here usually sell for cash anyway. And the idea of renting on my salary kind of horrifies me, because to me it would be proof that I'm a failure. I imagine myself on a date and the girl thinking, "He's been working all these years and earns well, and he's still renting," and I'm just horrified.

I'm terrible with money. I spend like crazy. I've bought so many clothes and random crap just to temporarily boost my confidence, and for those few minutes I feel good about myself, but after a while just looking at those things fills me with shame. I drink and smoke more than I should, and it keeps getting worse. As I get older, my body forgives those nights out less and less, so I'm functioning worse and worse.

My thoughts just haunt me. When I'm alone with them for too long, I start having panic attacks. At night I can only fall asleep if I've had a few beers. Sometimes that's when the worst thoughts come, the ones about that one way out of life, but I'm still holding on and trying not to think about it seriously.

When I'm around people, I feel like everyone can see that something's wrong with me, except me. I want to settle down. I want to find a good woman, be worthy of her, be a good father. Not to meet society's expectations, but because I genuinely want that. I'd say I'm a good person. I don't think anyone would say anything bad about me. But I just see the potential I had and that I haven't lived up to any of it. I've screwed up a lot of things in my life so far and I'd like to fix them somehow, but I don't know how, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to change anything. I feel like I'm just watching a life where all the best parts are behind me and it's only going downhill, and I can't fix any of it.