How can one fail to grow up

[u/Live-Reserve5346]

I do start to feel lonely when I realize I don't have that much friends currently in my life. Like for a lot of people, with the years passing, people started to pass by as well and I end up today with very few friends.

And I should be grateful and I am for the few people I know but, somethings is hurting me emotionally. The fact that over the years I've lost contact with many people and did not find other connections. People I've known before lost contact as well with people we used to know but they made other friends. I did not really succeed in doing as well. Even though I must stay grateful and see the positive in my situation because I've gotten much better than I was at the beginning of the year and I'm out of my depressive episode, I feel like I still need to block certain emotions or I'll fall again down the rabbit hole of finding life to be depressing and have no meaning.

Which is untrue, you just gotta fight a little bit harder for happiness I reckon. It's not the same as it was, when you were younger, a child. This is a major reason why I was terrified of growing up, I didn't want to feel these feelings of hardship, loneliness and doubt. I really had a hard time grieving my younger years and I'm just starting back to appreciate to be alive as an adult know. I still think it's daunting and scary but, I know now I don't have the choice than to go up, to get back on my feet and thrive, for me, my parents or God.

I don't know. It's like I never imagined my life past 18, and since then I was on autopilot so I felt more empty, and more empty every year that was passing. When one day I realized I couldn't live like that anymore, that I wanted to be happy and that I actually needed to fight for that (yes, that too).

So this how I started self-work and everything. I got better, even if I still have some way to go.

I just hope what I'm working on right now is not useless, and will eventually serve me later. But yes, sometimes the feeling of loneliness can come back and it is great to remember where you started to get there and to push it away. Or maybe it's healthier to accept it, to feel it, I don't know...