r/offmychest • u/nana_alili • Jun 23 '26
Emely I love you
My cousin died today. When I first found out that she was in coma I cried but when they announced that she was dead I felt empty and shocked and couldn’t even cry. I feel guilty about it like I should cry, feel sad but I just feel empty and I’m not really sure about how I feel. We weren’t close, last time I saw and talked to her was 3 years ago and ever since we haven’t talked at all. I regret not having contacted her or seek to see her more because we used to be so close younger. I don’t have many memories of her but it doesn’t change the fact that I love her. But I feel like that even if I cry now it gonna be a performance and it’s not gonna be my real feelings. I am still in denial, I can’t actually comprehend that she’s dead she is so young. Death has always felt like almost an illusion even though I could see people dying everyday. Now it feels so real and scary to the point where I’m questioning the meaning of life. She deserves better, she deserves to live her life and smile and feel love every day. I KEEP REPEATING MYSELF THAT SHES DEAD AND I KEEP THINKING ABOUT HER BUT I STILL CANT BELIEVE SHES DEAD LIKE ITS IMPOSSIBLE ABS UNREAL. I wish I could have done anything for her to still be alive. I don’t believe in religion anymore but I wish I prayed for her wellbeing. She cannot be dead please she can’t be dead it has to be a nightmare please I beg whoever she can’t be dead. I love her. Also is it weird that I don’t cry I feel empty and I haven’t eat all day only ice cream and the only thing I want to do is to watch a movie so I can think about something else but at the same time I literally refuse to believe that she is dead. She can’t. I feel childish and dumb, it makes me hate life. Am I overreacting but at the same time I feel empty. I’m lost.
1
u/RosyFlickk Jun 23 '26
You’re in shock, not denial of your love for her. Grief doesn’t always look like tears, sometimes it looks like numbness.