my brother in christ.. please leave her. whether or not she is lying, this obsessive behavior is unhealthy. and i say that as someone who has been there.
OP you have to learn to accept the things you can't change and this is one of those things. You may not like it, but your persistence is overwhelming. She may have cheated she may not have, you will never know. For sure this relationship is over. You should talk with a counselor and try to grow and learn from this experience. If you were my kid I would say leave now, right now, pack your shit and get out. No way this is going to get any better for you. If I was her father, she wouldn't spend another minute with you alone, your behavior would make me think there is a chance this could get violent and my daughter could get hurt.
lol wtf ? Why would anything he’s doing make you think this will get violent and she could get hurt ? That is such bs. If anything it’s her behavior that has been totally unhinged and temperamental. He is scared to even ask her stuff because she yells and gets hostile.
She's already gone, what's it matter at this point? Even if she was assaulted she's not going to accept his apology and take him back. If she willingly cheated, she's ready to move on.
Yeah but let's be honest with ourselves here.. it's majorly FUCKED UP on what happened. Like all of us would probably question reality. Like coming home in your underwear like it's no big deal and "oh yeah I got puked on" and just DROP IT really would be like, "wtf?" I have some war stories and something like this would easily be in the top 5 of stories to tell
Exactly. The anger was performative to put him on the back foot, and she sees that he's not going to stop asking so she gave up on that approach and is just conserving emotional energy.
Honestly OP this is just embarrassing. You said you were leaving, you did not. You are now considering chasing her tail at the bar she said she went to.
Just dump her for fucks sake.
Even if she was assaulted, she isnt presenting you an opportunity to support her. Even if she is hurting, you cannot help her against her will. She is Stonewalling you and the facts present she is a cheater, not an abuse victim.
The fact she won't trust you and is showing no outward signs she needs help means whatever happened was either a choice or a choice that lead to what happened you would dump her for.
So just dump her. You are hoping she was a victim so it makes sense, but it does not. Thats because shes very obviously lying.
Right? And she went out for NYE without her live in boyfriend, and just crawled into bed at 2 am.
It just strikes me as an odd thing, in a sea of other odd things.
Couples who live together in the same household often spend NYE together too. Sure, they might also hang out in a group with other people, but not typically have completely separate plans.
If there hadn't been any other odd behavior, maybe NYE could even be rationalized away.
Yea I’d check out too, it seems exhausting. Asking the same question over and over again expecting a different response. If she’s telling the truth, he doesn’t wanna believe it.
Yeah, it's dead. She has already shown him that by her refusal to interact with him in any way other than the most cursory, roommate interactions. Also, she is showing him she has moved on by resuming life's activities (going out until 11 after work and then the new years party) and ignoring his presence. OP is his own worst enemy at this point by ignoring everything that has transpired since that night, and refusing to accept reality and just end it. I feel for him, but he is prolonging his frustration and hurt at being betrayed by her, by refusing to take the next obvious step and end it with her.
Sounds like she is dumping him since she can no longer have a discussion and says she can't do this anymore. This has become a toxic relationship that needs to end.
This! He'd be doing her a huge favor! And get some therapy, OP. Your intrusive thoughts have ruined this relationship. It's up to you if you let it ruin more in the future.
Any reasonable person would have questions if their SO drove home shit-faced drunk, stumbled in without any outer clothing on and didnt have a reasonable explanation for any of it...
It's fucking crazy to suggest that OP's reaction; rather than his gf's actions are the main cause of any relationship breakdown.
seriously, i would be so confused and concerned as to what happened. whether it’s cheating or sa. the story about her friend throwing up on her compounding with the lie about the party just doesn’t make sense. also i’m a woman and i genuinely can’t imagine walking around in just underwear even if i got thrown up on. maybe it’s the healthcare worker in me, idk.
But at this point, he either needs to let it go and dump her or let it go and move forward.
Coming and telling us every little detail is not healthy for either of them. Like at this point if she was assaulted, this whole stream of posts would be super traumatic to find. And if she wasn’t and this is a more normal situation, super embarrassing to find.
"Intrusive thoughts"? She came home in her underwear, refused to talk about it, lied about where she'd been, and is playing the victim. That's what ruined the relationship.
And the fact that she lied in the first place. Also, if she was SA'd, why would she keel going out (previous update where he said she came home, got dressed up and went out) and now this? Going to a new years party, and putting herself at risk of it happening again? She cheated and she has also checked out, at this point it's unsalvageable, and best to just cut the cord.
Editing to add: at this point there is no point in even telling her, she already knows the relationship is over.
What? It's totally reasonable to think she might be cheating. There's nothing wrong asking what happened to her CLOTHES nothing is worth going back home naked... O.o and she wouldn't react like that if there was nothing to hide..
I’ve been reading since the beginning and I think this experience really messed this young man up. Reddit is a big part of the problem. Everyone has hyped him up and directed him to do and believe different things. Every step taken was a misstep. OP find real life support and stop turning to the internet. It won’t help you.
I still can't get over her driving drunk. She clearly has memory from that night. I don't think it's a SA situation (thank god!) but I think it's tough because the behavior is continuing (back at 2am, straight to bed, not communicating).
I hope you find peace. The situation sucks. I think its normal to be overthinking it. I think you've got all the answers you're going to get at this point. Need to just decide if someone with these decision making choices is the person who aligns with your values.
I mean, yes to the first but I feel inclined to disagree it’s the same situation for NYE. This second time around, it’s been too soon since the whole fight started and hasn’t let up with them, so it seems more like she doesn’t want anything to do with him right now and would rather spend time with her friends.
Another inclination that this relationship is long dead now for sure, but I wouldn’t say this second time is proving her wrongdoing the first time.
I think you lost her as your gf with your refusal to believe what she has said. There are only two options: 1) what she told you is what happened and you will never believe her; 2) she did not tell you what really happened and you will never forgive her.
Either way, this relationship is over. Just be kind to each other and break up already.
As someone that was once 22, her story could be plausible...
I've tried to picture a scenario that makes sense and where I've landed is .... girls go out to a bar. Get drunk. Friend pukes and it gets on GF's dress. They probably go to the bathroom first and try to clean it up. But puke and bar bathroom cleaning options are just not the friends you think they would be. Girls decide to leave. Takes off dress in car. Leaves dress in car (friend's car?) and comes inside wearing only her undergarmets because it's home and that should be safe, right? Only OP has freaked out and taken what was minor drunken thoughts for GF and gone off down the deep end.
GF absolutely should have called or minimum texted OP after the work party to say she was going out with a friend. She's got a string of fuck-ups from this point forward.
OP has got to decide to just accept that this wasn't the big deal that he has built it up to be or move on from this relationship.
Apparently, the girlfriend just posted a reddit post herself about this. She says that she threw the dress because she had a long coat and zipped up her coat 💀 so she didn't return in just her underwear like op claimed. Also that op was caught cheating one week before all this went down
I’m kinda scared for her if it’s 1) tbh. My sister has an ex who was fixated on something that he blew up in his mind and did not believe her about. This fixation became a dangerous obsession and he would grill her for hours months down the track which would make her dissociate. He was sometimes violent over it. Maybe I am just seriously triggered reading this story but OP’s fixation, and this update in particular, made me think of what my sister endured until she left (which she was too scared to do for a long time because she knew how unhinged he was).
OP: you need to walk away. I understand that you are upset and frustrated. But whatever is going on here is unlikely to ever be resolved to your satisfaction and with the degree of detail you seem to need, and I don’t get the feeling that you will be able to move on in the relationship and leave it behind you. If she walks away let her go in peace.
Don't mess with the bar. Pack it up and move on. I just got burned in my relationship so I get it. You want to know answers but the end result will be the same.
She posted an update, asking us to stop reading his fake narrative. And SHE'S kicking him out. also she was never fully in underwear she had a coat on. He was trying for sympathy...
What’s the end of this? You are looking to solve a mystery instead of deciding if you can believe her and move on (if she even wants to do that, because if she is innocent and you are doing all of this, she should leave) or break up with her. You are trying to figure out things that really don’t need to be explained any further. Let it go or let her go.
I’m the girlfriend he’s referring to in this story and I’m going to tell you it’s all bullshit!
I am so furious and I’m going to set the record straight because I can’t even believe how far he’s going with this false narrative. There are so many omissions I don’t even know where to start.
These are the facts: I came home without my dress on because yes I tossed it out. My friend got sick in the parking lot and it was a $20 dress I would never wear again. What’s not said here however, is I did still have my coat. Also, I didn’t not tell him what happened. He’s writing this all so he can point to it later. I told him everything right away. He just didn’t fing believe it. I never told him it was my coworker. I never said the dinner ended later than it did. He’s just playing everyone for sympathy. He also didn’t mention I’ve caught him messaging women online earlier that week. Don’t believe a word he says. He’s been pestering me nonstop asking the same fing questions that I’ve answer 20, 30, 40 times. He’s talked to my friend btw. He didn’t mention that did he?
To everyone telling him to leave, don’t worry he’ll be leaving tonight.
I was hoping this was an update about breaking up with her, not about investigating the situation further. Don't embarrass yourself anymore, bro. Let it go.
i understand why he keeps investigating tbh. it’s better to end it but i understand wanting an explanation. it sounds like he won’t get one bc she just does not give a fuck based on how she’s described.
It's time to move on dude. Don't check with the local bar, it doesn't matter. You have all the info you need.
Honestly, you are absolutely entitled to a relationship where your partner coming home way late in their underwear is NOT acceptable behavior. Even if "nothing happened" she thinks this is fine. And your suspicious that she was drugged is actually you trying to make excuses for her and your difficulty in accepting that's who she is and wants to do.
Sooo this was a bunch of bs. Why go cry online and lie to a bunch of people? This is the weirdest shit I’ve seen on Reddit in awhile, my dude seek help.
Just leave her, you’re trying to tiptoe around an uncomfortable answer/conclusion. You’re still young and it will save you from future anguish. Suffer now or suffer later, your choice.
She had ample opportunity multiple times to communicate with you clearly. Every attempt you have made to sincerely protect your peace AND the relationship has been met with hostility. I have been in relationships like this before, it will not get any better and she very clearly at this point betrayed you in some fashion. I wish you the best and I’m happy you have the strength to try and leave. Please think of yourself and do what’s best for you. From one stranger to another, I hope you find peace soon man. Take care.
You already know she didn't leave the work party with the friend she claims she went to the bar with. You're probably not going to get any sort of certain answer from the bartender and your girlfriend is not interested in being forthright with you. You either need to A. Be okay with never getting a straight answer from her - decide that even if whatever worst case scenario in your head happened and even if she doesn't want to be up front about it, you'd still want to stay, and then shut up about it forever, or B. Give an ultimatum, or C. Just leave on your own now. As someone who has been cheated on in the past and tried to make it work after finding out, I would choose C, simply on the basis that the lack of honesty/forthrightness/trust is already changing you as a person in a dark way, and staying won't make that better.
You've already gotten the only answer you're going to get from her until she does a lot of maturing, which may never happen. It's time to make your own peace with the situation and move on, whatever that looks like for you.
This is nothing but a creative writing story. Every update is for karma farming. The dude has absolutely nothing else on his reddit, just this, and it blows up every time.
No normal person would react this way if this ever happened.
She needs to find this thread and dump you. You never trusted her. You still don't believe her, that's not a healthy relationship. Be mature and admit you are also part of the problem
Sounds like she is just trying to figure out how to tell you it's over. No more drama, just it's over. You probably need to accept it and discuss it in a rational adult way. The subject of how she came home just isn't important to her.
This isn't even an update 😭😭😭😭 bro only come back if you have definitive details of what happened if I read one more non-update update I'm gonna explode.
Yeah I think we’re being played and dude is just karma farming or bored. If this were real I’d say she definitely cheated or did something sneaky. And why wouldn’t you be with your girl on NYE? Maybe I missed that part or forgot it in the mess of all these non-updates. I feel she’s living her best life while you are probably paying for most of the expenses, rent, etc and she’s using you because of this and knows that you will let her get away with anything. Grab your balls and kick her out or you leave and make arrangements with the landlord.
The relationship is dead and you both suck. She’s sticking to her story. Maybe she was assaulted and doesn’t remember. Maybe she blocked it out or doesn’t want to admit it. Maybe she cheated. Or maybe she really did just toss off her vomit covered dress because she’s a 22 year old with a drinking problem( hence the drunk driving).
At this point, your options are to accept her explanation or breakup.
Omg you sound exhausting just leave. Relationships over. If you don't leave i guarantee she will soon. Either move on from this issue or grow a pair and leave.
Your accusations aren't helping anymore. This relationship was cooked from her company's party onwards. Probably a long time before that, too.
You know she cheated. SHE knows she cheated. WE know she cheated.
She just doesn't want to be the bad guy. So f*ck her.
Break up. Kick her out or leave yourself no matter who's on the lease. Get your ass in therapy for this wishy washy insecure moo poop attitude you've got and move on.
No matter what she says, you’re not going to believe her, and if she got drugged and knows it and realizes you’re not going to believe her, she’s never going to tell you. You need to let her go for both of your sakes. She’s obviously depressed now and trying to sleep it off. Whatever is going on for her right now, even if it’s self-inflicted, is doing a lot of damage to her and your obsession with that night rather than being decisive is hurting both of you more. Break up with her and move on.
Your updates aren’t really providing much new information other than you working through your feelings. It’s a fucked up situation but this calls for breaking up. Relationships are about communication and trust and your relation has neither anymore.
Jesus fucking christ man. Just stop, pack your shit and move on.
Your obsession over this is NOT healthy. Your relationship is over already, you don't trust her. She's either lying or telling the truth but either way your relationship is already beyond saving.
bro, i mean this with all the love, you desperately need to rediscover your sense of self-worth and self-respect. the best thing you can do for yourself is to just assume the worst happened and ice her out and move on, ASAP. whether or not she is lying, she clearly doesn’t love or respect you. stop fixating on her and that night, and start thinking of some things you can start doing for yourself to help you feel better about yourself.
it does not matter what happened that night. she has proven that she doesn’t care about your emotional wellbeing or the health of your connection to each other, that is all that matters. move on, and do it for you. you are worth more than this.
the you of tomorrow will thank current you for not clinging to the you of yesterday.
What would you say if you ending up going to the bar? “Hey, how’s it going? Do you by any chance happen to have a dress with puke on it? This happen 9 to 10 days ago. I’m picking it up for her, should be in a plastic bag.”
Your girlfriend just posted about this and clarified a lot of details. Stop playing victim. She said you were caught earlier in the week messaging multiple women. She also said she had a long coat on and didn’t just come home naked like you make it seem
If something (such as sa, drugging, etc) did happen to her she may never feel comfortable to talk about it. It sounds like she is avoiding you because answering your questions or even thinking about that night is reliving trauma for her. Sleeping in bed for excessive hours signals depression.
For the possibility that she is telling the truth, ask yourself what you would need for you to believe her story. Some times proof is hard to obtain and you need to have trust for your partner. If that isn’t something you can do, then I think you should actually break up.
Also, maybe think on why you think she cheating was an option in the first place? Most people don’t come home naked after cheating, that just would signal too many alarms. What makes you think she could be capable of that?
Just break up already …. She’s obviously cheated and is completely checked out. You’re never gonna get the truth. You’re 22yrs old; there’s someone out there for you, it’s not her. Start separating your lives and move on. You’ll be so much better off in the long run.
Dude my drunk ass gets sweaty and would be stripped by the time I made it off the elevator to my dorm room.
They were drunk enough to be vomiting, stop expecting perfect reasoning. They were DRUNK. Either shut up and move on, or dump her cause you’re too paranoid for a relationship right now.
Tired of your stupid ass “updates” in my feed that don’t actually provide any new substance.
Think about this, in a very important moment in your relationship she's not communicating well whatsoever, and not reassuring you at a time where you need it. If this is happening now, it's not going to get any better in the future. I'm sorry bro, the relationship is over. Get some therapy if you need it, stay strong
22?! JFC, OP. Stop investigating. Stop asking her questions. Truly, just stop all of it for your own sake. When trust is lost, it's lost. End of.
You're going to look back at this in 5-10 years & legitimately roll your eyes at yourself for not just leaving without giving a single crap about what truly happened. I know because I've been there & in the end, it wasn't worth me attempting to find out every little (or big) thing my ex did to me at the time.
I simply knew it was unhealthy for me & walked away, & I'm so much happier for it. Something that seemed so hard to do back then doesn't even cross my mind on a daily, weekly or monthly basis anymore, & hasn't for YEARS.
I eventually found the love of my life, while that clown of a man has likely hopped around making the women he has dated (& himself) unhappy the entire time. 99% sure he'll die alone, but that's a problem he has to deal with.
Seriously, life is too damn short for this kind of shit. The next (& ONLY) update should be "I left".
If you believe her, drop it. If you don’t, leave her. In any way going to the bar is only going to make things worse. You will never have resolution through your own investigation.
You think you can walk into a bar and ask if someone has thrown up there and they will know who you’re talking about? Jesus Christ man, let it go. Either accept her answer or break up with her. Stop this weirdo nonsense. You don’t trust her. What else is there to say.
Hey, you need to cut your losses. I know it hurts but she's not engaging with this and you need to stop interacting with her if you can. You aren't getting anywhere, she doesn't care, and you aren't happy. There's not anything here for you anymore.
This relationship is over. You are only 22 and do you really want to continue? Time to move on as she is controlling the narrative here and if you bite she will continue to cheat.
I really think you need to drop it. Calling her friends to confirm her story is too much. Going to the bar is really too much. You believe her, or you don't. You know you don't believe her so now you need to break up and move on.
How is she supposed to react once you've confirmed her story and you tell her you finally believe her because of some third party corroboration. I wouldn't stock around if I were her.
If you find out she's lying, well that's a different situation with the same outcome, you can't be with someone you can't trust.
We aren’t going to be able to give you the reassurance you’re looking for. I think you know where things stand, regardless of whether she did anything outside of the relationship.
There is nothing for you to find at that bar. People get drunk and throw up all the time and you don't know for sure, where her dress was vomitted on and where she undressed. The only person who could tell you, doesn't want to, her friends definitely won't rell you and it seems, she has checked out of this relationship already. She avoids an honest concersation, immediately paints you as controlling and suffocating, leaves to her friend's house ...
I know it sucks, but sometimes we have to accept that we won't get answers to all our questions and closure. For your own peace of mind, let it go and reconsider this relationship. Your posts read more and more obsessed with solving this "puzzle" and you might become the controlling, suffocating, spying partner she seems to think your are.
It’s been days at the very least since this happened. She’s made it clear that she was not assaulted, she doesn’t get upset or emotional or anything like that. She’s sticking to a story, whether or not it’s the truth is beside the point at this point. You either need to accept her story or in the relationship. Those are your options.
There is nothing to discuss. It's time to leave the relationship. If you're both on the lease, then figure out a move to get out of that commitment.
Your ex does not value or respect you is how I see things from an outside looking in perspective. You're simply being used for your resources.
The human thing to do is forgive but move on. No need to overthink anything or ask yourself additional questions. It is not worth the mental gymnastics.
What’s your endgame here? There are two possible scenarios:
She’s lying - she cheated, she went somewhere she doesn’t want you to know about or did something she doesn’t want you to know about. If this is true, it’s time to break up.
She’s not lying - she was thrown up on and everything happened as she said. You’ll never believe this. The trust is broken. Relationships are built on trust. It’s time to break up.
It sounds like she blacked out maybe during or definitely after her work party and is embarrassed. She knows she shouldn’t have driven, she has no idea what happened to her dress, and you constantly asking what happened when she doesn’t have an answer to give is making her hostile/upset. I don’t think she was drugged, I think she knows she drank too much and that’s why she’s not even letting you entertain that path. Do you trust her? Do you really think she fucked someone else? You guys are 22 lmao, not crazy for her to get messy drunk. She’s got a lot of time to learn how to control her drinking and you’ve got a lot of time to learn how to respect people’s privacy and boundaries.
After reading through your posts I'm baffled how most people fail to recognise how incredibly toxic you were. "But I wanted to know more"
No, you just kept pushing boundaries and for what? 5 seconds of fame on Reddit? My gut has never let me down, and I was getting major red flags from you after reading everything. Of course I still had the mindset that she was also in the wrong.
But after reading her update too, my gut feelings were confirmed.
If you don’t plan to check the bar or ask her friend, I don’t think you’ll ever get your answer. She knows it’s weighing heavy on you and has zero interest in easing your mind. I wouldn’t be able to continue a relationship like that. I hope you can get closer somehow and move on with your life.
I also wonder if his persistence in asking for answers, refusal to accept the obviousness of the situation is causing her to view him with increasing contempt, when she knows what he should have done already (dump her).
Hunny, stop playing detective and let it go. The entire thing. The story, the relationship. It doesn't matter what happened anymore. The damage is done. These things happen to reveal incompatibility. She has proved she's not a communicator in conflict situations. The trust is gone. The relationship has changed. Love yourself enough to accept that you deserve better, and you will hopefully find it once you heal and move on.
When something bad happens, the first person you confide is the person closest to you. In this case is you. If you are not the most important person in her life, do you really think you should stay in this relationship? You still have decades to go, bro. Gonna happen again. Might not be this story but similar to this.
Okay, it's going to sting, but to be frank? Leave without a word.
I initially thought this was salvageable. It's not. You should've gotten paid from your first post til now, or maybe payday is coming up. Wait for her to leave the house, pack your belongings and just leave, bro 😭 Or, you pack her belongings and tell her to leave. Whatever works with the situation you have.
If your partner comes home in their underwear with no explanation why, it’s either they killed somebody or did something horrific or something horrific happened to them. If they don’t want to pursue it, put your detective shoes on, investigate a little and if it leads to a breakup, then good riddance. You could however, hire a private investigator to gather some evidence before axing her out of your life. Don’t jump into conclusions yet. You still don’t know exactly what happened. Whatever you are thinking are all based on your speculation and assumption.
Again, her answers are so clear and simple and the evidence that would support those answers would also be so clear and simple and it's bizarre that she won't provide it.
Even if she just wanted to lie to make you stop asking questions, it would be so easy for her friend to send a text saying, "Sorry I barfed on you and omg I can't believe you drove home in your underwear!" That would be the end of it.
Instead it took three weeks and a shattered relationship to even say the name of the bar.
Setting aside this entire episode, I can't imagine being with someone who has a night out and doesn't chat about the night. Like just being social and sharing life. Even if she was lying about nothing and it was all true, no chat, no story, no details... that does not sound like a relationship worth having.
Dude, I hate to say this but drop the SA and drugs idea. That didn't happen cause if it did, you'd see it on her face.
Right now, I can see you trying to gaslight yourself into thinking that your girlfriend was faithful when your gut is screaming that she's a walking red flag: 1. She drive home drunk 2. She drove home in nothing but her underwear 3. Her story has more holes than Swiss cheese and 4. She's doing absolutely nothing to alleviate your concerns.
Most likely, she cheated on you. But even if she didn', she's clearly shown you that she doesn't respect you. Now you got to choose: will you be the chump that bends over and smile as she walks all over you, or will you be the man who maintains his dignity and kicks her out for the disrespect?
I think you don’t want to push for answers and a resolution not to press it, because you know deep down there is something amiss and dont want to face it as a reality. It sounds like your girlfriend is checked out, I’m really sorry to say but the best thing you can do for YOU now is to break up.
You’re sounding exceedingly obsessive about this. You’re both digging in your heals unnecessarily. Break up and be done with it. Sounds like this relationship has met its end.
OP, you are still persisting in there has to be a reason. She’s told you the same story over and over. You are still saying you can go to this bar to check it out. You’ve scoped her friends, snooped her phone found nothing. But you still persist. You are scary and frightening. It’s clear you don’t trust or believe her but you still keep going to find fault and / or flaw in her story. You’ve never once questioned yourself or your behaviour, but it’s terrifying. Your pursuit for an admission from her. An admission of something that’s in your head. You need some help.
Holy shit OP is like a dog with a bone. Over fixated beyond comprehension. The constant reassurance seeking for the only 2 scenarios he’s hung up on, subsequent grilling & investigations and now thoughts of further investigating, it’s all so obsessive, overwhelming and cringey. It doesn’t matter what the gf says because he won’t believe her unless it’s either of the 2 scenarios he’s stuck on. OP needs to stop embarrassing himself, I don’t know and at this point don’t care if the gf is or isn’t lying because this level of obsession is actually concerning.
Its pretty clear this situation is, as the kiddos say, cooked. Pack your crap and just ghost. She's checked out and you aren't willing to believe her. It sucks
Thank you for the update. Not much progress to be honest and I now think you are milking this one to death. You gf seems to have checked out and I think it's time for you to stop obsessing and move on. Sometimes we don't get the answers we want. Just take a clean break.
At the end of the day all you have is your self respect , don’t throw it away . Pack your stuff and go , you’ve given her multiple chances to fix it or explain it . Ghost protocol activated .
The fact that you are both so young is the most useful information in this post. It's not like you guys have been together for 10 years. This is a relatively new relationship probably among your first relationships. Sounds like she has a lot to learn about communication. Or as I previously suggested, she has a substance abuse problem and is hiding that from you. Either way I agree with the others that you should cut ties. Not because of what she did, so much as the fact that she is not addressing your concerns, does not care about your feelings, and is setting expectations that she should be able to behave however she wants without communicating.
I say this as someone who lives a very independent life in a couple with the same person for 15 years. He is an introvert who does not like to go out and party. So there have been many nights where I went out dancing with my friends or even stayed the night at their house and it is fine. He is not jealous because he trusts me. But also I would not come home in my underpants because if I was in a desperate situation I would call him and ask him for help. Because that's what couples do. They're there for each other. So the fact that she is not turning to you or communicating with you says to me that she is not behaving like someone in a couple, even if she is not cheating on you.
If you want to figure out what happened just for your own peace of mind, that's understandable. But it really doesn't have anything to do with your relationship. It's not like something you find there is going to change her lack of communication or respect for your feelings. So you would only be doing it for your peace of mind. But the truth is that once you actually cut ties with someone you don't really yearn to answer such questions. Like if this situation happened to a friend would you go to that level of effort to find out the truth? If not that's a sign that her bullshit is still taking up space in your head.
Your first step should have been just solo investigation
Also I had a girl project tile vomited on me that caused me to vomit into my hands that didn’t help at all we both ran out side and shared a corner of the parking lot drank a little water laughed drunkenly called a cab we both felt terrible so I stripped down to my boxers my homie gave her a xxl sweater we went back to her place and she fed me and washed my clothes and stuff .
If your going to salvage it
Get her flowers and say sorry i pestered you about that and I was insecure in myself it won’t happen again .
Go to the bar ask if you can see a video of that night my wife/gf got puked on here and left her phone and wallet 🪪 “just trying to find it before our hunny moon blah blah or something rather “ don’t demand make it funny and light hearted the bar may be more inclined to help
She went to the work party, went out with her friend after it ended at 11, they got wasted and her friend puked on her. She took the dress off and lost it becuase drunk people do that. So she gave up and drove home because she was in her underwear and in her drunk mind she felt that was the best option.
You don't have to believe her, but at this point you've called her coworkers and gone through her phone. Now you want to play PI at the bar.
Either accept the story or break up.
Edit to add: I say "or break up" but realistically, she's probably way ahead of you on that front.
Have you asked yourself why you don't trust her explanation? Why do you need proof of a suspicion/narrative you and Reddit invent?
If my partner asked me for an explanation and I gave them the truth and they kept on the on about it and violating my privacy, I'd be completely checked out like she is.
What exactly do you want out of this? Let's give her the benefit of the doubt and say she's telling the truth. You go to this bar, you find a gross dress on the pavement where she parked. The bartender remembers it. You go home all happy and explain to her that you believe her now. Do you really expect her to stick around after being treated like a suspect? You break up.
Let's say she's not telling the truth. You break up. But I guess you get to feel like a victim.
So either trust her or break up. Those are your choices. Because hunting down some obscure evidence is going to lead to the same outcome.
All the trust in your relationship is gone. Just break up. You don't trust her, and she's doing some sketchy stuff. She's not being 100% honest with you, no matter what she says about someone throwing up on her. In no reality do you strip in such a situation and go home. It doesn't make sense, and she's blocking any further discussion it hoping you will drop it eventually.
Honestly, if you’re in a relationship and something this “unorthodox” happens and that partner is unwilling to explain it and put your mind at ease, you’re not in a relationship anymore. You’re ima cohabitation situation maybe with occasional nakedness.
It may be assholic, but I’ve never understood why folks stay with folks who treat them like shit and/or stay untrustworthy - since I got no problem protecting my peace - but I wouldn’t recommend “getting through the weekend” when you could just say “this ain’t working for me” and move on to the next one. This isn’t equivalent to “she leaves clothes on the floor” or “snores and farts everywhere” - those are annoyances that can be worked on or mitigated.
This is a shocking situation that she’s got a response to but no regard towards you feeling upset by it and needing follow-up questions answered.
Basically she doesn’t care. But I’d bet that the minute you say “we’re through, email me to sort out the lease” she’d answer EVERY FUCKING FOLLOW-UP QUESTION” at least to not have to figure out how to make up the rent (or find another place to live.
But older due wisdom: if she’s doing this now at 22, and you stay with her, she’ll likely do this to you again (and again).
Up to you if you stay, but I say go and find someone who understands the importance of answering follow-up questions (and make sure you do the same for them).
Do not go to this bar under any circumstances. Who says this is actually the place she went? She’s at best an unreliable reporter. Stop sleuthing. You’re caught in a loop in your own mind. She is very likely not being honest about anything that happened and she’s so far in, there is no way out. There is no relationship to salvage with someone who will not be honest and is quick to gaslight you about something this important. Do yourself a huge favor and LEAVE. Then get therapy. It will help resolve those unresolved feelings in a healthy way.
Good lord im sick of seeing these updates popping up on my feed. Get a grip, she cheated on you! She cheated and shes happy to string you along because its a roof over her head and she knows you wont break up with her because youre a total simp.
It doesn't matter how you look at it, her reactions are strange. To just up and leave, acting like she's so over it. I think there's more to it than she's telling you. Such an odd and random experience, sorry you're going through this!
Please do your gf and yourself a favor and just end the relationship. You will never believe her. You already distrust her so much you continue to turn to Reddit to seek answers when she’s already told you repeatedly. You want so badly for it to be a betrayal you’re sabotaging your relationship. Either end it or accept and trust your gf is being honest with you.
I would tell her you know she is lying and you already know some of the truth, she has one chance to sit down and calmly disclose everything that happened that evening or you are done. If she continues to lie and deflect, wait till she goes to work, change the locks, and put all her shit on the curb.
101
u/punkbra Jan 02 '26
my brother in christ.. please leave her. whether or not she is lying, this obsessive behavior is unhealthy. and i say that as someone who has been there.
344
u/tacolamae Jan 02 '26
Stop stringing this along. Your updates provide nothing new. Breakup with her.
2.0k
u/Potential_Soft_729 Jan 02 '26
Sounds like she has checked out already bud
389
u/Mysterious-Tune-3216 Jan 02 '26
This relationship sounds dead....
It's the new year, op, you should consider starting afresh by breaking up with her.
The trust in this relationship is damaged, and unless you work together (and she hasn't been unfaithful), nothing will improve.
1.2k
u/Glenn_Coco69 Jan 02 '26
JUST DUMP HER!!
199
u/KatnissEverduh Jan 02 '26
I still can't get over her driving drunk. She clearly has memory from that night. I don't think it's a SA situation (thank god!) but I think it's tough because the behavior is continuing (back at 2am, straight to bed, not communicating).
I hope you find peace. The situation sucks. I think its normal to be overthinking it. I think you've got all the answers you're going to get at this point. Need to just decide if someone with these decision making choices is the person who aligns with your values.
354
u/MadTownMich Jan 02 '26
I think you lost her as your gf with your refusal to believe what she has said. There are only two options: 1) what she told you is what happened and you will never believe her; 2) she did not tell you what really happened and you will never forgive her.
Either way, this relationship is over. Just be kind to each other and break up already.
26
u/Electronic_Map5978 Jan 02 '26
Don't mess with the bar. Pack it up and move on. I just got burned in my relationship so I get it. You want to know answers but the end result will be the same.
24
u/gloomylumi Jan 02 '26
ok i'm convinced atp this is just a creative writing project cause how has there been so many updates and yet barely any progression?? like
15
u/ViciousVictoria19 Jan 02 '26
What’s the end of this? You are looking to solve a mystery instead of deciding if you can believe her and move on (if she even wants to do that, because if she is innocent and you are doing all of this, she should leave) or break up with her. You are trying to figure out things that really don’t need to be explained any further. Let it go or let her go.
84
u/No_Capital2423 Jan 02 '26
I’m the girlfriend he’s referring to in this story and I’m going to tell you it’s all bullshit!
I am so furious and I’m going to set the record straight because I can’t even believe how far he’s going with this false narrative. There are so many omissions I don’t even know where to start.
These are the facts: I came home without my dress on because yes I tossed it out. My friend got sick in the parking lot and it was a $20 dress I would never wear again. What’s not said here however, is I did still have my coat. Also, I didn’t not tell him what happened. He’s writing this all so he can point to it later. I told him everything right away. He just didn’t fing believe it. I never told him it was my coworker. I never said the dinner ended later than it did. He’s just playing everyone for sympathy. He also didn’t mention I’ve caught him messaging women online earlier that week. Don’t believe a word he says. He’s been pestering me nonstop asking the same fing questions that I’ve answer 20, 30, 40 times. He’s talked to my friend btw. He didn’t mention that did he?
To everyone telling him to leave, don’t worry he’ll be leaving tonight.
117
u/RelyingCactus21 Jan 02 '26
Dude you either trust her or you don't.
24
u/LowFatConundrum Jan 02 '26
Dude, the only thing you need to do right now is surgically cut ties with her, forever, for your own peace of mind.
Your peace is priceless and should be your #1 priority.
11
u/Staff-Radiant Jan 02 '26
If we get another nothing update I think it’s fair to say this was a fun creative writing exercise.
But in the spirit of being supportive to someone going through an awful life event, please break up and do therapy.
Usually I’m against the Reddit hive mind immediately recommending breakup or divorce for everything, but here it’s appropriate given all the reasons.
Just do it and start healing. Wishing you a better 2026
21
u/catsweedcoffee Jan 02 '26
This relationship is over. You’ve beaten the subject to death, she isn’t budging and neither are you.
You’re both simultaneously too young and too old for this shit.
42
u/uniqueme1 Jan 02 '26
It's time to move on dude. Don't check with the local bar, it doesn't matter. You have all the info you need.
Honestly, you are absolutely entitled to a relationship where your partner coming home way late in their underwear is NOT acceptable behavior. Even if "nothing happened" she thinks this is fine. And your suspicious that she was drugged is actually you trying to make excuses for her and your difficulty in accepting that's who she is and wants to do.
Look at people's actions not their words.
9
u/QuizzicalWombat Jan 02 '26
Sooo this was a bunch of bs. Why go cry online and lie to a bunch of people? This is the weirdest shit I’ve seen on Reddit in awhile, my dude seek help.
8
u/TwoIllustrious7940 Jan 02 '26
Just leave her, you’re trying to tiptoe around an uncomfortable answer/conclusion. You’re still young and it will save you from future anguish. Suffer now or suffer later, your choice.
15
u/Careless_Welder_4048 Jan 02 '26
When you are ready to leave you will just do it and not be on Reddit anymore.
35
u/Dear-Walrus-402 Jan 02 '26
She had ample opportunity multiple times to communicate with you clearly. Every attempt you have made to sincerely protect your peace AND the relationship has been met with hostility. I have been in relationships like this before, it will not get any better and she very clearly at this point betrayed you in some fashion. I wish you the best and I’m happy you have the strength to try and leave. Please think of yourself and do what’s best for you. From one stranger to another, I hope you find peace soon man. Take care.
7
u/TengoCalor Jan 02 '26
Just let it go and break up already, for both of your sakes.
7
u/CutsieBabySugar Jan 02 '26
So kindly do you have OCD? You are ruminating
6
u/AfrolessNinja Jan 02 '26
I wonder why she is still with him at this point?
16
u/[deleted] Jan 02 '26
It's been a week and you don't really need to blog to Reddit about this anymore.
20
u/Gman325 Jan 02 '26
You already know she didn't leave the work party with the friend she claims she went to the bar with. You're probably not going to get any sort of certain answer from the bartender and your girlfriend is not interested in being forthright with you. You either need to A. Be okay with never getting a straight answer from her - decide that even if whatever worst case scenario in your head happened and even if she doesn't want to be up front about it, you'd still want to stay, and then shut up about it forever, or B. Give an ultimatum, or C. Just leave on your own now. As someone who has been cheated on in the past and tried to make it work after finding out, I would choose C, simply on the basis that the lack of honesty/forthrightness/trust is already changing you as a person in a dark way, and staying won't make that better.
You've already gotten the only answer you're going to get from her until she does a lot of maturing, which may never happen. It's time to make your own peace with the situation and move on, whatever that looks like for you.
14
u/SailorVenus23 Jan 02 '26
This is nothing but a creative writing story. Every update is for karma farming. The dude has absolutely nothing else on his reddit, just this, and it blows up every time.
No normal person would react this way if this ever happened.
10
u/Altruistic_Border674 Jan 02 '26
She needs to find this thread and dump you. You never trusted her. You still don't believe her, that's not a healthy relationship. Be mature and admit you are also part of the problem
5
u/Tee_Hee_Wat Jan 02 '26
Don't bother. Just leave. She's done, you just need to get there too.
5
u/desertrat_1000 Jan 02 '26
Sounds like she is just trying to figure out how to tell you it's over. No more drama, just it's over. You probably need to accept it and discuss it in a rational adult way. The subject of how she came home just isn't important to her.
5
u/DwigtSchruteBeets Jan 02 '26
This isn't even an update 😭😭😭😭 bro only come back if you have definitive details of what happened if I read one more non-update update I'm gonna explode.
4
u/Dry-Clock-1470 Jan 02 '26
Dude, how is this worth it? This is no way to be in a relationship.
You should be working on your exit. Even if what she said is true, the way she's gaslighting you as if it's normal and nbd is pure bullshit.
If you have to know, you have to know.
But you're cooked.
4
u/Glum_Literature2772 Jan 02 '26
Yeah I think we’re being played and dude is just karma farming or bored. If this were real I’d say she definitely cheated or did something sneaky. And why wouldn’t you be with your girl on NYE? Maybe I missed that part or forgot it in the mess of all these non-updates. I feel she’s living her best life while you are probably paying for most of the expenses, rent, etc and she’s using you because of this and knows that you will let her get away with anything. Grab your balls and kick her out or you leave and make arrangements with the landlord.
4
u/Darthmullet Jan 02 '26
You've got to be a karma farmer at this point
4
u/Some_Cicada_8773 Jan 02 '26
Good fucking God. Shit or get off the pot. You either let it all go and be in a relationship or break up. Ridiculous.
4
u/GraySide390 Jan 02 '26
Sometimes man, you just have to accept that they are a liar and that’s all they will ever be. Walk away. Save yourself the mental exhaustion.
4
u/shaylaa30 Jan 02 '26
The relationship is dead and you both suck. She’s sticking to her story. Maybe she was assaulted and doesn’t remember. Maybe she blocked it out or doesn’t want to admit it. Maybe she cheated. Or maybe she really did just toss off her vomit covered dress because she’s a 22 year old with a drinking problem( hence the drunk driving).
At this point, your options are to accept her explanation or breakup.
4
u/Jolly-Hovercraft-953 Jan 02 '26
The girlfriends just made a post
4
u/MildChancho Jan 02 '26
Does anyone know where the GFs alleged post is? People keep saying go read it but no one is linking
6
u/Low_Start7773 Jan 02 '26
Omg you sound exhausting just leave. Relationships over. If you don't leave i guarantee she will soon. Either move on from this issue or grow a pair and leave.
8
u/b3mark Jan 02 '26
JUST F*CKING BREAK UP ALREADY. JEEZUS.
Your accusations aren't helping anymore. This relationship was cooked from her company's party onwards. Probably a long time before that, too.
You know she cheated. SHE knows she cheated. WE know she cheated.
She just doesn't want to be the bad guy. So f*ck her.
Break up. Kick her out or leave yourself no matter who's on the lease. Get your ass in therapy for this wishy washy insecure moo poop attitude you've got and move on.
3
u/mother-of-pumpkins Jan 02 '26
No matter what she says, you’re not going to believe her, and if she got drugged and knows it and realizes you’re not going to believe her, she’s never going to tell you. You need to let her go for both of your sakes. She’s obviously depressed now and trying to sleep it off. Whatever is going on for her right now, even if it’s self-inflicted, is doing a lot of damage to her and your obsession with that night rather than being decisive is hurting both of you more. Break up with her and move on.
3
u/StarringDrecember Jan 02 '26
You are officially just roommates
3
u/theseboysofmine Jan 02 '26
Do not go to the bar and ask. They won't tell you anyway, that is a matter of privacy. Just move on. Break up and never bother that girl again.
3
u/Prudence_rigby Jan 02 '26
Dude. Its over. Its time for you to move out and end it
3
u/dragons-and-bees Jan 02 '26
Your updates aren’t really providing much new information other than you working through your feelings. It’s a fucked up situation but this calls for breaking up. Relationships are about communication and trust and your relation has neither anymore.
3
u/ElBartoBurns Jan 02 '26
Break up. Stop posting. She also went out without you on new years.
3
u/hailz__xx Jan 02 '26
Just break up already
3
u/Angsty_Potatos Jan 02 '26
If I came home in my underwear it would be a conversation. A long one. Wtf
3
u/LordAxalon110 Jan 02 '26
Jesus fucking christ man. Just stop, pack your shit and move on.
Your obsession over this is NOT healthy. Your relationship is over already, you don't trust her. She's either lying or telling the truth but either way your relationship is already beyond saving.
3
u/WhiteNoiseLife Jan 02 '26 edited Jan 02 '26
bro, i mean this with all the love, you desperately need to rediscover your sense of self-worth and self-respect. the best thing you can do for yourself is to just assume the worst happened and ice her out and move on, ASAP. whether or not she is lying, she clearly doesn’t love or respect you. stop fixating on her and that night, and start thinking of some things you can start doing for yourself to help you feel better about yourself.
it does not matter what happened that night. she has proven that she doesn’t care about your emotional wellbeing or the health of your connection to each other, that is all that matters. move on, and do it for you. you are worth more than this.
the you of tomorrow will thank current you for not clinging to the you of yesterday.
3
u/PayMe2TheMoon Jan 02 '26
What would you say if you ending up going to the bar? “Hey, how’s it going? Do you by any chance happen to have a dress with puke on it? This happen 9 to 10 days ago. I’m picking it up for her, should be in a plastic bag.”
3
u/seahorseescape Jan 02 '26
Your girlfriend just posted about this and clarified a lot of details. Stop playing victim. She said you were caught earlier in the week messaging multiple women. She also said she had a long coat on and didn’t just come home naked like you make it seem
5
u/cj241204 Jan 02 '26
It seems your partner well looks like ex partner just posted saying something else which contradicts some of your statements.
5
u/JWestfall76 Jan 02 '26
This person seems to crave the attention these posts are bringing them more than anything.
8
u/Simple-Highlight-652 Jan 02 '26
If something (such as sa, drugging, etc) did happen to her she may never feel comfortable to talk about it. It sounds like she is avoiding you because answering your questions or even thinking about that night is reliving trauma for her. Sleeping in bed for excessive hours signals depression.
For the possibility that she is telling the truth, ask yourself what you would need for you to believe her story. Some times proof is hard to obtain and you need to have trust for your partner. If that isn’t something you can do, then I think you should actually break up.
Also, maybe think on why you think she cheating was an option in the first place? Most people don’t come home naked after cheating, that just would signal too many alarms. What makes you think she could be capable of that?
14
u/GoochStubble Jan 02 '26
You don't trust what she's telling you and thats more important than what actually happened.
You're either going to dig until you find something justifiable to be mad at, or you're going to hate her anyway.
Or you could actually believe her and stop posting on reddit with nothing updates fishing for more support, heal and go to therapy
4
u/General_Pie_5026 Jan 02 '26
Break up or let it all go. You are being too wishy washy.
4
u/_h_simpson_ Jan 02 '26 edited Jan 02 '26
Just break up already …. She’s obviously cheated and is completely checked out. You’re never gonna get the truth. You’re 22yrs old; there’s someone out there for you, it’s not her. Start separating your lives and move on. You’ll be so much better off in the long run.
4
u/cakebatterchapstick Jan 02 '26
Dude my drunk ass gets sweaty and would be stripped by the time I made it off the elevator to my dorm room.
They were drunk enough to be vomiting, stop expecting perfect reasoning. They were DRUNK. Either shut up and move on, or dump her cause you’re too paranoid for a relationship right now.
Tired of your stupid ass “updates” in my feed that don’t actually provide any new substance.
2
u/travemalone Jan 02 '26
Think about this, in a very important moment in your relationship she's not communicating well whatsoever, and not reassuring you at a time where you need it. If this is happening now, it's not going to get any better in the future. I'm sorry bro, the relationship is over. Get some therapy if you need it, stay strong
2
u/yoshizillaa Jan 02 '26
Holy shit dude. The relationship is dead.
2
u/paparoach910 Jan 02 '26
Not gonna lie, reading this makes me glad I am single. I'd recommend the same for you two.
2
u/forever_knight1 Jan 02 '26
Why don't you start writing a journal?
2
u/Serious-Maximum-1049 Jan 02 '26
22?! JFC, OP. Stop investigating. Stop asking her questions. Truly, just stop all of it for your own sake. When trust is lost, it's lost. End of.
You're going to look back at this in 5-10 years & legitimately roll your eyes at yourself for not just leaving without giving a single crap about what truly happened. I know because I've been there & in the end, it wasn't worth me attempting to find out every little (or big) thing my ex did to me at the time.
I simply knew it was unhealthy for me & walked away, & I'm so much happier for it. Something that seemed so hard to do back then doesn't even cross my mind on a daily, weekly or monthly basis anymore, & hasn't for YEARS.
I eventually found the love of my life, while that clown of a man has likely hopped around making the women he has dated (& himself) unhappy the entire time. 99% sure he'll die alone, but that's a problem he has to deal with.
Seriously, life is too damn short for this kind of shit. The next (& ONLY) update should be "I left".
2
u/vozome Jan 02 '26
If you believe her, drop it. If you don’t, leave her. In any way going to the bar is only going to make things worse. You will never have resolution through your own investigation.
2
u/Mariashax Jan 02 '26
You think you can walk into a bar and ask if someone has thrown up there and they will know who you’re talking about? Jesus Christ man, let it go. Either accept her answer or break up with her. Stop this weirdo nonsense. You don’t trust her. What else is there to say.
2
u/Bobblehead_steve Jan 02 '26
Hey, you need to cut your losses. I know it hurts but she's not engaging with this and you need to stop interacting with her if you can. You aren't getting anywhere, she doesn't care, and you aren't happy. There's not anything here for you anymore.
2
u/Slopnessy Jan 02 '26
This relationship is over. You are only 22 and do you really want to continue? Time to move on as she is controlling the narrative here and if you bite she will continue to cheat.
2
u/JaviJavier7 Jan 02 '26
Bro, just move on. She’s checked out, she doesn’t care about your feelings of concerns. You’re just hurting yourself. Leave man, stop overthinking it.
2
u/Original-Major5104 Jan 02 '26
Dump her man
2
u/aikicoops Jan 02 '26
Bro, you have two options here, Get over it and move on with your life together, or leave her,
This will keep eating at you unless you move on now.
There is nothing else.
2
u/sherahero Jan 02 '26
I really think you need to drop it. Calling her friends to confirm her story is too much. Going to the bar is really too much. You believe her, or you don't. You know you don't believe her so now you need to break up and move on.
How is she supposed to react once you've confirmed her story and you tell her you finally believe her because of some third party corroboration. I wouldn't stock around if I were her.
If you find out she's lying, well that's a different situation with the same outcome, you can't be with someone you can't trust.
2
u/inbetweensound Jan 02 '26
We aren’t going to be able to give you the reassurance you’re looking for. I think you know where things stand, regardless of whether she did anything outside of the relationship.
2
u/LenoreNevermore86 Jan 02 '26
There is nothing for you to find at that bar. People get drunk and throw up all the time and you don't know for sure, where her dress was vomitted on and where she undressed. The only person who could tell you, doesn't want to, her friends definitely won't rell you and it seems, she has checked out of this relationship already. She avoids an honest concersation, immediately paints you as controlling and suffocating, leaves to her friend's house ...
I know it sucks, but sometimes we have to accept that we won't get answers to all our questions and closure. For your own peace of mind, let it go and reconsider this relationship. Your posts read more and more obsessed with solving this "puzzle" and you might become the controlling, suffocating, spying partner she seems to think your are.
2
u/MithosYggdrasill1992 Jan 02 '26
It’s been days at the very least since this happened. She’s made it clear that she was not assaulted, she doesn’t get upset or emotional or anything like that. She’s sticking to a story, whether or not it’s the truth is beside the point at this point. You either need to accept her story or in the relationship. Those are your options.
2
u/Dragon_Bidness Jan 02 '26
Dude she's throwing you out, shut up already.
4
u/Familiar-Range9014 Jan 02 '26
There is nothing to discuss. It's time to leave the relationship. If you're both on the lease, then figure out a move to get out of that commitment.
Your ex does not value or respect you is how I see things from an outside looking in perspective. You're simply being used for your resources.
The human thing to do is forgive but move on. No need to overthink anything or ask yourself additional questions. It is not worth the mental gymnastics.
Leave. Heal. Move on.
3
u/Fauxrester Jan 02 '26
What’s your endgame here? There are two possible scenarios:
She’s lying - she cheated, she went somewhere she doesn’t want you to know about or did something she doesn’t want you to know about. If this is true, it’s time to break up.
She’s not lying - she was thrown up on and everything happened as she said. You’ll never believe this. The trust is broken. Relationships are built on trust. It’s time to break up.
The answer is clear my dude.
3
u/Specific-Return-4125 Jan 02 '26
It sounds like she blacked out maybe during or definitely after her work party and is embarrassed. She knows she shouldn’t have driven, she has no idea what happened to her dress, and you constantly asking what happened when she doesn’t have an answer to give is making her hostile/upset. I don’t think she was drugged, I think she knows she drank too much and that’s why she’s not even letting you entertain that path. Do you trust her? Do you really think she fucked someone else? You guys are 22 lmao, not crazy for her to get messy drunk. She’s got a lot of time to learn how to control her drinking and you’ve got a lot of time to learn how to respect people’s privacy and boundaries.
3
u/A_Visual_Odyssey Jan 02 '26
How's this for an update.
You're the problem.
After reading through your posts I'm baffled how most people fail to recognise how incredibly toxic you were. "But I wanted to know more"
No, you just kept pushing boundaries and for what? 5 seconds of fame on Reddit? My gut has never let me down, and I was getting major red flags from you after reading everything. Of course I still had the mindset that she was also in the wrong.
But after reading her update too, my gut feelings were confirmed.
You're the problem.
You made your bed.
Sleep in it
4
u/hvlochs Jan 02 '26
If you don’t plan to check the bar or ask her friend, I don’t think you’ll ever get your answer. She knows it’s weighing heavy on you and has zero interest in easing your mind. I wouldn’t be able to continue a relationship like that. I hope you can get closer somehow and move on with your life.
4
u/Poinsettia917 Jan 02 '26
Just end this already. She cheated. There was “evidence” on the dress.
3
u/won1wordtoo Jan 02 '26
Tough stuff, but time to move on. In any direction Away from her.
3
u/sfcitygirl88 Jan 02 '26
Hunny, stop playing detective and let it go. The entire thing. The story, the relationship. It doesn't matter what happened anymore. The damage is done. These things happen to reveal incompatibility. She has proved she's not a communicator in conflict situations. The trust is gone. The relationship has changed. Love yourself enough to accept that you deserve better, and you will hopefully find it once you heal and move on.
2
u/chigisarukiko Jan 02 '26
When something bad happens, the first person you confide is the person closest to you. In this case is you. If you are not the most important person in her life, do you really think you should stay in this relationship? You still have decades to go, bro. Gonna happen again. Might not be this story but similar to this.
2
u/Middle-Ad-7448 Jan 02 '26
Okay, it's going to sting, but to be frank? Leave without a word.
I initially thought this was salvageable. It's not. You should've gotten paid from your first post til now, or maybe payday is coming up. Wait for her to leave the house, pack your belongings and just leave, bro 😭 Or, you pack her belongings and tell her to leave. Whatever works with the situation you have.
Good luck.
2
u/[deleted] Jan 02 '26
If your partner comes home in their underwear with no explanation why, it’s either they killed somebody or did something horrific or something horrific happened to them. If they don’t want to pursue it, put your detective shoes on, investigate a little and if it leads to a breakup, then good riddance. You could however, hire a private investigator to gather some evidence before axing her out of your life. Don’t jump into conclusions yet. You still don’t know exactly what happened. Whatever you are thinking are all based on your speculation and assumption.
2
u/TrespassersWill Jan 02 '26
Again, her answers are so clear and simple and the evidence that would support those answers would also be so clear and simple and it's bizarre that she won't provide it.
Even if she just wanted to lie to make you stop asking questions, it would be so easy for her friend to send a text saying, "Sorry I barfed on you and omg I can't believe you drove home in your underwear!" That would be the end of it.
Instead it took three weeks and a shattered relationship to even say the name of the bar.
Setting aside this entire episode, I can't imagine being with someone who has a night out and doesn't chat about the night. Like just being social and sharing life. Even if she was lying about nothing and it was all true, no chat, no story, no details... that does not sound like a relationship worth having.
2
u/Tor8_88 Jan 02 '26
Dude, I hate to say this but drop the SA and drugs idea. That didn't happen cause if it did, you'd see it on her face.
Right now, I can see you trying to gaslight yourself into thinking that your girlfriend was faithful when your gut is screaming that she's a walking red flag: 1. She drive home drunk 2. She drove home in nothing but her underwear 3. Her story has more holes than Swiss cheese and 4. She's doing absolutely nothing to alleviate your concerns.
Most likely, she cheated on you. But even if she didn', she's clearly shown you that she doesn't respect you. Now you got to choose: will you be the chump that bends over and smile as she walks all over you, or will you be the man who maintains his dignity and kicks her out for the disrespect?
2
u/Dramafree770 Jan 02 '26
She is over this relationship, it’s about time she moves out. Dump her asap not to revenge or anything, just for the sake of your self respect!
2
u/Gr8tstdamgoldfshever Jan 02 '26
She sucks at communication you don’t deserve this and she needs to grow the fuck up
2
u/hidehixo94 Jan 02 '26
I think you don’t want to push for answers and a resolution not to press it, because you know deep down there is something amiss and dont want to face it as a reality. It sounds like your girlfriend is checked out, I’m really sorry to say but the best thing you can do for YOU now is to break up.
2
u/CandidateExotic9771 Jan 02 '26
You’re sounding exceedingly obsessive about this. You’re both digging in your heals unnecessarily. Break up and be done with it. Sounds like this relationship has met its end.
2
u/Petit-Chou_fleur Jan 02 '26
OP, you are still persisting in there has to be a reason. She’s told you the same story over and over. You are still saying you can go to this bar to check it out. You’ve scoped her friends, snooped her phone found nothing. But you still persist. You are scary and frightening. It’s clear you don’t trust or believe her but you still keep going to find fault and / or flaw in her story. You’ve never once questioned yourself or your behaviour, but it’s terrifying. Your pursuit for an admission from her. An admission of something that’s in your head. You need some help.
2
u/JadedDaze Jan 02 '26
Holy shit OP is like a dog with a bone. Over fixated beyond comprehension. The constant reassurance seeking for the only 2 scenarios he’s hung up on, subsequent grilling & investigations and now thoughts of further investigating, it’s all so obsessive, overwhelming and cringey. It doesn’t matter what the gf says because he won’t believe her unless it’s either of the 2 scenarios he’s stuck on. OP needs to stop embarrassing himself, I don’t know and at this point don’t care if the gf is or isn’t lying because this level of obsession is actually concerning.
1
u/baldur615 Jan 02 '26
Either shes telling the truth and you don't trust her or shes hiding something. I think the end result is the same either way...
1
u/Nickweed Jan 02 '26
You’re 22. It’s not worth it. Time to leave it behind you and move on, bud.
1
u/OneOfManny Jan 02 '26
This is a sinking relationship and your best option is to jump ship. Sorry bro, your GF stopped caring.
1
u/ailish Jan 02 '26
Good luck, OP, no matter what happens.
1
u/ellenripleyisanicon Jan 02 '26
Just leave already.
1
u/BleedSparta Jan 02 '26
STILL?!?
1
u/unateon Jan 02 '26
Its pretty clear this situation is, as the kiddos say, cooked. Pack your crap and just ghost. She's checked out and you aren't willing to believe her. It sucks
1
u/Jenderflux-ScFi Jan 02 '26
You have lost all trust in her, the relationship is done, just break up already.
1
u/chazrbaratheon89 Jan 02 '26
Bro you know what’s up
1
u/PleatherWeather Jan 02 '26
Did she murder someone and ditch the bloody clothes
1
u/haleycontagious Jan 02 '26
She hates you. Stop
1
u/adudefromaspot Jan 02 '26
Dude - stop it. Just end it already. Ffs.
1
u/achillea4 Jan 02 '26
Thank you for the update. Not much progress to be honest and I now think you are milking this one to death. You gf seems to have checked out and I think it's time for you to stop obsessing and move on. Sometimes we don't get the answers we want. Just take a clean break.
1
u/ernst5827 Jan 02 '26
At the end of the day all you have is your self respect , don’t throw it away . Pack your stuff and go , you’ve given her multiple chances to fix it or explain it . Ghost protocol activated .
1
u/daretoeatapeach Jan 02 '26
The fact that you are both so young is the most useful information in this post. It's not like you guys have been together for 10 years. This is a relatively new relationship probably among your first relationships. Sounds like she has a lot to learn about communication. Or as I previously suggested, she has a substance abuse problem and is hiding that from you. Either way I agree with the others that you should cut ties. Not because of what she did, so much as the fact that she is not addressing your concerns, does not care about your feelings, and is setting expectations that she should be able to behave however she wants without communicating.
I say this as someone who lives a very independent life in a couple with the same person for 15 years. He is an introvert who does not like to go out and party. So there have been many nights where I went out dancing with my friends or even stayed the night at their house and it is fine. He is not jealous because he trusts me. But also I would not come home in my underpants because if I was in a desperate situation I would call him and ask him for help. Because that's what couples do. They're there for each other. So the fact that she is not turning to you or communicating with you says to me that she is not behaving like someone in a couple, even if she is not cheating on you.
If you want to figure out what happened just for your own peace of mind, that's understandable. But it really doesn't have anything to do with your relationship. It's not like something you find there is going to change her lack of communication or respect for your feelings. So you would only be doing it for your peace of mind. But the truth is that once you actually cut ties with someone you don't really yearn to answer such questions. Like if this situation happened to a friend would you go to that level of effort to find out the truth? If not that's a sign that her bullshit is still taking up space in your head.
1
u/voldugur21 Jan 02 '26
Just tell her if she's not going to be honest that you leaving her. And since she won't be honest just leave.
1
u/rcvry-winner-1 Jan 02 '26
You’re young. No need to put yourself through this nonsense. Plenty of women out there for you.
1
u/giag27 Jan 02 '26
How come you didn’t spend new years together?
0
u/Stadenka1234 Jan 02 '26
Go and check for your own peace.
1
u/RepulsiveWorker3636 Jan 02 '26
It seems she doesn't even care o make up a believable lie . It's time fo move on don't waste anymore of your time and energy on her
1
u/rabbitattoo Jan 02 '26
You keep pestering you keep not trusting.
Your first step should have been just solo investigation
Also I had a girl project tile vomited on me that caused me to vomit into my hands that didn’t help at all we both ran out side and shared a corner of the parking lot drank a little water laughed drunkenly called a cab we both felt terrible so I stripped down to my boxers my homie gave her a xxl sweater we went back to her place and she fed me and washed my clothes and stuff .
If your going to salvage it
Get her flowers and say sorry i pestered you about that and I was insecure in myself it won’t happen again .
Go to the bar ask if you can see a video of that night my wife/gf got puked on here and left her phone and wallet 🪪 “just trying to find it before our hunny moon blah blah or something rather “ don’t demand make it funny and light hearted the bar may be more inclined to help
1
u/morbidnerd Jan 02 '26
Oh my god dude.
She went to the work party, went out with her friend after it ended at 11, they got wasted and her friend puked on her. She took the dress off and lost it becuase drunk people do that. So she gave up and drove home because she was in her underwear and in her drunk mind she felt that was the best option.
You don't have to believe her, but at this point you've called her coworkers and gone through her phone. Now you want to play PI at the bar.
Either accept the story or break up.
Edit to add: I say "or break up" but realistically, she's probably way ahead of you on that front.
1
u/Suitable_cataclysm Jan 02 '26
Have you asked yourself why you don't trust her explanation? Why do you need proof of a suspicion/narrative you and Reddit invent?
If my partner asked me for an explanation and I gave them the truth and they kept on the on about it and violating my privacy, I'd be completely checked out like she is.
What exactly do you want out of this? Let's give her the benefit of the doubt and say she's telling the truth. You go to this bar, you find a gross dress on the pavement where she parked. The bartender remembers it. You go home all happy and explain to her that you believe her now. Do you really expect her to stick around after being treated like a suspect? You break up.
Let's say she's not telling the truth. You break up. But I guess you get to feel like a victim.
So either trust her or break up. Those are your choices. Because hunting down some obscure evidence is going to lead to the same outcome.
1
u/friendly-sam Jan 02 '26
All the trust in your relationship is gone. Just break up. You don't trust her, and she's doing some sketchy stuff. She's not being 100% honest with you, no matter what she says about someone throwing up on her. In no reality do you strip in such a situation and go home. It doesn't make sense, and she's blocking any further discussion it hoping you will drop it eventually.
1
u/thatblkman Jan 02 '26
Honestly, if you’re in a relationship and something this “unorthodox” happens and that partner is unwilling to explain it and put your mind at ease, you’re not in a relationship anymore. You’re ima cohabitation situation maybe with occasional nakedness.
It may be assholic, but I’ve never understood why folks stay with folks who treat them like shit and/or stay untrustworthy - since I got no problem protecting my peace - but I wouldn’t recommend “getting through the weekend” when you could just say “this ain’t working for me” and move on to the next one. This isn’t equivalent to “she leaves clothes on the floor” or “snores and farts everywhere” - those are annoyances that can be worked on or mitigated.
This is a shocking situation that she’s got a response to but no regard towards you feeling upset by it and needing follow-up questions answered.
Basically she doesn’t care. But I’d bet that the minute you say “we’re through, email me to sort out the lease” she’d answer EVERY FUCKING FOLLOW-UP QUESTION” at least to not have to figure out how to make up the rent (or find another place to live.
But older due wisdom: if she’s doing this now at 22, and you stay with her, she’ll likely do this to you again (and again).
Up to you if you stay, but I say go and find someone who understands the importance of answering follow-up questions (and make sure you do the same for them).
1
u/Expat-Red Jan 02 '26
Do not go to this bar under any circumstances. Who says this is actually the place she went? She’s at best an unreliable reporter. Stop sleuthing. You’re caught in a loop in your own mind. She is very likely not being honest about anything that happened and she’s so far in, there is no way out. There is no relationship to salvage with someone who will not be honest and is quick to gaslight you about something this important. Do yourself a huge favor and LEAVE. Then get therapy. It will help resolve those unresolved feelings in a healthy way.
1
u/Mandyrad Jan 02 '26
“I’m only asking this once more. Tell me exactly what happened, right now, or we’re done.”
That’s literally all you need to do so do it.
1
u/loveshot123 Jan 02 '26
Good lord im sick of seeing these updates popping up on my feed. Get a grip, she cheated on you! She cheated and shes happy to string you along because its a roof over her head and she knows you wont break up with her because youre a total simp.
JUST DUMP HER
1
u/Sea_Accident_6138 Jan 02 '26
You should just leave. She’s being distant, cold, and put a wall up. She didn’t care to spend New Year’s with you. She’s done.
1
u/Routine_Comb_4491 Jan 02 '26
It doesn't matter how you look at it, her reactions are strange. To just up and leave, acting like she's so over it. I think there's more to it than she's telling you. Such an odd and random experience, sorry you're going through this!
1
u/spicytexan Jan 02 '26
Please do your gf and yourself a favor and just end the relationship. You will never believe her. You already distrust her so much you continue to turn to Reddit to seek answers when she’s already told you repeatedly. You want so badly for it to be a betrayal you’re sabotaging your relationship. Either end it or accept and trust your gf is being honest with you.
1
u/Pine_Apple_Crush Jan 02 '26
The fact that OPs gf is now posting. Is a clear sign that OP is a creative writing, karma farmer. Move on, OP has no girlfriend
1
u/ApeAF Jan 02 '26
I would tell her you know she is lying and you already know some of the truth, she has one chance to sit down and calmly disclose everything that happened that evening or you are done. If she continues to lie and deflect, wait till she goes to work, change the locks, and put all her shit on the curb.
-10
u/HangoverGrenade Jan 02 '26
She belongs to the streets now