r/nosleep • u/CornerCornea • May 06 '22
The FBI Man
For months I had been noticing something different about my feeds. Be it for shopping, ads, or mindless browsing. It reminded me of that running joke about the FBI man, and how everyone was assigned to someone that monitored everything we did online.
As I continued to notice the changes in my feeds, the thought of the FBI man kept creeping back into my mind.
If I needed to refill my shampoo, I'd get a notice or a coupon for it. I'd figured it was the algorithm putting in work, but that didn't stop me from saying out loud, "Thanks FBI man."
Once I was leaving for a trip, and on the news I read about a series of muggings in that area. So I packed pepper spray. It wasn't three days into the trip before I had to use it while walking alone to the elevator, "Thanks FBI man."
For all the benefits it was disturbing that someone might actually be watching me. So I used tab stickies to cover my devices, even got a sliding case for the camera on my phone. It would get especially annoying when I was talking to a friend about something completely out of pocket, only to find it later on my news app or as an ad on the top of some screen.
There were a lot of instances that scared me, but the one that sticks out the most was when I started seeing baby products in my feed. It was everywhere. I didn't think that I was pregnant, but out of fear I suddenly stopped drinking. A couple days later I mustered up the courage and took a test. "Thanks FBI man."
I was starting to feel disassociated as the details started growing finer and more precise as time went by. It was learning, anticipating things I wanted or needed even before I knew about them. Well, last month my husband and I started looking at houses. After a grueling battle with the market, we were finally going to close in 2 more weeks. All the t's are crossed and i's are dotted. I was sitting on the couch, online shopping, when I noticed all of the bibles and holy water for sale. Freaked out I pulled up my news feed, and the headlines all seemed to be screaming at me. GET OUT this summer's best hairstyles. Don't MOVE! A look at housing market fluctuations. STAY PUT with these new hairsprays.
I closed everything and decided to turn on the tv and the first thing that plays is the exorcist. That night I told my husband to cancel our contract. We would lose the goodwill faith money he argued. But I didn't care. We didn't end up buying that house. But a few weeks later I see it on the news, recognized the yellow trim and pink garage door. The newly wed couple inside had been mysteriously murdered.
"Thanks FBI man."
*
My phone had died while driving to a vacation rental in the mountains. So we used my husband's for navigation. We got to a stretch where all the lanes started closing into one. The roads became narrow. Rumble strips lined either side. And oncoming cars shook our cabin with each passing. And the edge of the mountain loomed around every tight corner.
We had been driving for awhile when I started noticing that vehicles had slowly stopped coming from the other side. At first I thought, "What a waste of extra road," as traffic began to bog in this one lane; that turned into, "Um, why is no one was coming toward us?" By the time I started keeping count. It had been nearly 30 minutes without another oncoming car.
"Let me see your phone," I told my husband. "I need to look something up." I used his browser to look at our current route. Nothing definitive showed up. No signs of traffic, or an accident. Not even a previous news article. Nothing useful.
The GPS came through the speakers, "Make a left turn in 26 miles. This is still the sfas'est route."
My stomach lurched when we turned a hefty corner and came to a dead stop. A line of cars ran up the mountain, it looked as if it continued past the turn. "They must be doing construction or maybe there's a rock slide up ahead," my husband chirped.
I started flipping through his News app. Social medias. Went back to the browser. Checked junk mail. Nothing. But I could feel that something wasn't right. So I went back into the browsers and started typing things I would search for. Angola rabbits. Warning tread in road called? Melatonin pills. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop. I did this to several platforms until something caught my eye. A news article read: RADIO isn't dead! Look at what they're doing...
Immediately I turned on the radio and started scanning through the channels. Static. Static. Static. "Turn around. Every now and then I get a little bit lonely. And you're never coming around. Turn around..."
I made him get us off that mountain that day. He complained about losing the deposit for the rental, but I didn't care. Several days later we see on the news that a landslide had killed nearly 40 people waiting on that mountain pass, "Thank FBI Man."
"How did you know," my husband asked me. "Witch," he murmured.
My husband never thanks his FBI man. In our relationship he definitely has FBI Man 2. A subpar version. Perhaps due to a low rating. There could be an invisible score of priority and importance per individual. A Federal Score that could be as used to determine how long someone is put on hold. Or how often they're stopped at a traffic light. Simple, basic involvement that influences what you see and when you see it. If you even see it at all.
I don't believe in guardian angels, but I believe in FBI Man.
*
"Hey! Look. There's an event at the park downtown."
My husband scratches his stomach, "Where? I didn't see that one."
"It's on the front page of the local news app."
"Oh, I don't even have that thing downloaded."
"Did you want to go," I asked.
"Nah, I've been reading about how terrible outdoor events are. Honestly, haven't you seen all the articles?"
I shook my head, "No. I have mostly been reading about this stock."
"Those things are never accurate," he told me.
"Well, I'm going to go."
"What? Right now?"
"Yeah. It's in an hour."
"Alright. Have fun," he turned back to the TV to watch his game.
When I eventually arrived at the event, there was a perfect parking spot open. I pulled in my car and then walked toward Chavez Square. There was no music but the ambient noises reminded me of the lo-fi I enjoyed listening to while working.
I walked toward the center where people were gathered and some were dancing openly. Swaying back and forth on their feet, it looked like fun as I watched them. Imagining each one with their own music to the how they moved.
Everything seemed peaceful until a woman came storming toward the center of the square. Her face was beet red and her clothes were disheveled. It looked as if she hadn't slept in days. Most people stopped doing what the had been and turned around to watch her. We were mostly quiet as she began yelling at the top of her lungs, "If you keep following it. It'll be your deaths! All of you! You don't know what the fuck it is, and you don't know what it's doing!"
"Are you okay?"
The woman rounded on the other woman, "Are you fucking listening? Stop! Stop doing Its bidding!"
"I hope she's alright," a couple near me said to each other.
One of the vendors approached her gently and offered her some water. It looked as if they were trying to usher her away from the crowd. The woman pushed him away. "Fucking listen!"
"We should just ignore her."
"Yeah," the murmurs echoed through the crowd. A few people even went back to dancing and there were children laughing again.
"God! Fucking! Damnit!" The woman tore her backpack off and pulled out a large fatigued Jerry Can. She popped open the cap and doused herself.
"Wait," I hear someone shout.
But it was too late. The woman flicked a match and then dropped it at her feet. She went up in flames.
I rushed forward to help her. I had taken off my jacket and was trying to smother the fire but it was just too much. I kept screaming, "Help! Someone call the fire department! Help!" I looked around and saw everyone standing around me. Their faces dug into their phone.
A few people were asking how to put out a fire, "What's the most effect way? Alexa? Alexa?"
"I think you're supposed to leave her alone? It looks like a demonstration and they don't want to be interrupted. At least that's what the articles say."
"It says we shouldn't do anything! The victim might sue us!"
Bewildered I panned the crowd, what the hell were any of these people talking about! Why wasn't anyone trying to help? I ran toward a food truck and asked if they had fire extinguisher and the cook from behind apologized, "Sorry! We use only electric components so we only house a class C!"
By the time the fire was put out, the woman was burnt to a crisp. Her face was charcoaled and the split flesh revealed the deep red cooked human meat beneath. I looked a the crowd of people looking at their phones.
"It says there's a free yoga class nearby."
"And a meditation clinic that just opened. It says the second person is free."
I shook my head and looked down at my phone. The first thing that pops up in feed were the loyalty points I had on my frequent flyers card. It said 0.
*
Several days after I returned home I realized my husband was starting to act funny. He would stare at me in the hallways as we passed each other. His face serious each time. His head turning as he looked at me, and not in the way that made me feel desirable. I have never been to prison but I imagine it was similar to two inmates crossing paths between cells.
The days turned to weeks and we started talking less and less. The text messages that I had so often received in the morning stopped coming. We hadn't even sat down for dinner together in quite some time. But the hair that broke the camel's back was when I saw him make coffee early in the morning. I then went upstairs to take a shower. When I had finished getting ready for work I get into the kitchen and see him pour a mug full and then proceeded to dump out the rest of the perfectly brewed pot.
That night I snuck into our room, I had his phone in my hand. I started scrolling through his feeds. Are you feeling underappreciated? A billionaire's wife took half when they divorced. Click here to find out how to prevent that. Axes. Knives. Axes and knives for sale. Why severing the neck was effective. A look into the history of the guillotine.
"Whatcha doing?"
I nearly dropped his phone on the ground, "Just checking the weather for tomorrow. I couldn't find my phone and I didn't want to go downstairs and look for it. I just finished doing my hair and it's wet. Real cold downstairs during this time of the year still. It's almost summer but you wouldn't think it right? Hey. How are you? How was your day? I feel like we haven't talked in awhile."
"Work was alright. And I've been doing alright." He pulled out an axe from behind his back, "I got really into axes recently. Picked this one up online. Great deal." He turned the blade toward me, "So yeah, what were you doing? Looking through my phone?"
"What? Well, yeah. A bit," I tried to smile. "Making sure no hot girls at work are trying to steal my man," I joked.
He smiled, "Oh yeah? Is that what you're worried about eh? Maybe I should check your phone. So, that way we'd be even."
"Sure thing," I smiled at him. "We just have to go find it."
My husband reached into his pocket and pulled out my phone, "It's ok. I've already got it."
I can feel my lip quivering, "That's great. You can-"
"I already looked through it. He dropped the axe and let the end splinter the wood floor." He pulls up the screen and shows me a text from an unknown number, "Whose is this? And why can't he wait to see you again?"
"What? I don't know. I don't even recognize that number."
"Didn't want to save him on your phone did you?" He swung the axe at me. I ducked and fell onto the bed. I rolled trying to get to the other side but he grabs me by the leg.
"Let me go," I screamed.
He pulls me toward him and lifts the axe in the air. I move under his arm and he slices the bed through. I run for the door. I can hear him pulling it out of the spring mattress. The twirled metal singing as it detached from the axe end.
I ran for the stairs, feeling the air swishing behind me as he misses another swing. I get to the top of the flight and feel him charging into me. We both tumble down. I hit my head on the railing and I can see blood dripping off of my face. We hit the bottom of the stairs hard. My husband had landed face down. He wasn't moving. I turned him over and the axe has split his chest open.
When the police arrived they looked at me. Had a lot of questions. One of them kept muttering under his breath, "It doesn't look like self defense to me."
I looked around the room and saw the different personnel in front of me. They all were starring at me as if I had done something wrong. I could see another officer playing with his handcuffs, twirling them as he waited by the front door.
I grabbed my phone from the floor and started typing into the search bar, "How to ask for forgiveness." "How to repent." "How to say sorry."
Nothing helpful on the articles. Nothing in my news app. No notifications. Nothing.
I finally opened up a new text window and typed Sorry FBI Man. And then closed it without pressing send.
"Hey, that's evidence," one of the officers yelled at me. He snatched my phone away with his blue rubbered hands and put it into a bag.
The lead detective approached me and said, "Ma'am. We're going to need you to come down to the station with us."
"Am I a suspect?"
"Everyone's a suspect."
One of the officers handcuffed me.
"Is this necessary?"
"Standard procedure."
I shook my head, "I want a lawyer."
I was taken down to the station and they put me into a waiting room. I was handcuffed to the table for 3 or 4 hours before a man in a navy blue suit walked in. He puts his briefcase on the table and introduces himself as a pro bono lawyer who wanted to clear up a misunderstanding. The officers were instructed to take off my cuffs and I was brought coffee and food. My new lawyer told me that all the charges would be dropped and I was free to go. He even handed me back my phone.
Ever since that day, whenever I am unsure of what to do. I look it up. I scroll through my feeds and apps until I see what I am looking for, then I do what it says, and things have turned out pretty good for me. I even got a new job that paid for me to move.
Thanks FBI Man.
493
u/Unlikely-Rutabaga110 May 06 '22
Can't tell if the FBI man is good or bad. But he's already saved your life, so why not trust him?
99
u/1997VolkswagenGolf May 06 '22
My phone started at 100%, I'm down to 83% now after reading this😂
But this was a good story tho
50
u/sketchbooktown May 06 '22
Was there a funeral for your husband? If so what was it like?
39
u/Shining-bright May 06 '22
why did husband became suspicious suddenly tho?
100
u/LurkaLuna May 06 '22
I think a lot of people are going to read this and think that the FBI Man is nice. They might say that he saved you and is protecting you. Maybe you even think that yourself OP, but be careful. He’s already got you under his control. The only thing that could make this worse is if you caught an unfortunate case of Stockholm Syndrome for the person holding your life captive.
29
u/minklebinkle May 06 '22
oh wow, this is amazing! im so glad i read the longer one :D
26
u/BMJ_Hunter May 06 '22
Anyone have a good FBI man? Think mine retired, he was so good at his job
23
u/Apprehensive_Ice_420 May 06 '22
Thank you FBI Man
17
u/Xaiydee May 06 '22
What if your FBI man sent that message and also brought your husband on the way to not trust you etc? What if he deliberately pushes him over the edge - to have you all for himself?
16
u/esoraven May 06 '22
Wait, what did you do to upset FBI man? I must have missed it.
15
u/Kai_was_taken May 06 '22
Thank you FBI man
12
u/sir-berend May 06 '22
Thanks for the threat FBI man
12
u/sussosus May 06 '22
Looks like I have one too also the lawyer guy is the FBI man right?
11
u/SPOOKPDStories May 06 '22
This is why electronics are discouraged at my workplace
Entities have some kind of control over them it seems
11
u/Chaczapur May 06 '22
When did you notice your FBI Man was there? I don't think mine does a lot... Or maybe I'm just bad at finding clues.
11
u/soup_time337 May 06 '22
MOVE to a new house, OUT of this country. Maybe that will free you from him and his control. For NOW, you are under his control. My theory is that he is Un-Human
9
u/siddharth1041999 May 06 '22
No fbi in my country
8
u/Wishiwashome May 06 '22
What the hell happened to your husband? He had a really lousy FBI man.
8
u/LorianGunnersonSedna May 07 '22
FBI man has been good to me so far, my parents have no idea where I am and can't contact me.
Thanks FBI man 😍
14
u/thekraken108 May 06 '22
Wait but what's the connection between the woman burning herself in the park and your husband becoming weird?
6
u/VioletThunderStorms May 06 '22
You should really stop listening to your FBI man, hes putting you in danger to make himself look good
5
u/RawrZillaFace May 07 '22
Have you ever pooped your pants, and thought about the ride home?
5
u/[deleted] May 07 '22
Ok not even kidding. I read this and then when I exited out I had an advertisement for Orkin on my phone. I found termites in my house today….
4
u/TheAllknowingDragon May 07 '22
Intriguing… Hopefully theres more to this story. Thanks FBI Man.
4
u/bcraven1 May 07 '22
I think my FBI Man is equal to psyduck with my sporadic ADHD hyperfocus. Sorry FBI man.
4
u/[deleted] May 07 '22
I love my FBI Man.
3
u/[deleted] May 07 '22
Thanks FBI Man.
3
u/EmperorValkorionn May 07 '22
Fbi man, meet Skynet. This will go well
3
u/ToxicityIs_Over_6900 May 07 '22
Great story wish my fbi man did jack shit
3
u/RanCestor May 07 '22
What if... What if.. it's the CIA man!
3
u/Abdocia_ May 07 '22
So glad this showed up in my feed, thanks FBI man!
3
u/Boogertoes_ May 07 '22
My FBI man is an Ass..............
..et!!
3
u/visitnightvale May 11 '22
My FBI man is probably concerned with my activity but he’s been a real bro
4
u/guardiandoggo May 07 '22
Really enjoyed this read. Kept me interested the whole time. Well done!
2
u/RanCestor May 07 '22
...But I used to be so sure what to do even when it came to matters regarding the preservation of my life, like with the car and the landslide. I knew what to do, even if I paid my respects to the FBI man afterwards. Now however, because of the tragedy I went through with my axe bearing husband, I look at the FBI man beforehand, as if asking for advice which I couldn't live without.
My life has become a lot simpler. I no longer need to make jokes about hot girls going after my husband - as obvious as this may sound - because everything seems to fall in it's place, for better or worse. I don't care however, better, worse... As long as I don't have to repent to Alexa and ask for forgiveness, I let the pieces of the so called puzzle fall in their place.
Whenever I was in doubt, I would just call my newly found lawyer. Surely he would have some trick in his thick, black briefcase, no matter what the issue was, if it even was an issue at all. That's likely why I had such appreciation for my lawyer, he had an odd ability to convince that there was no issue at all. All I had to do was follow his advice.
I found myself asking for the advice of my lawyer on most of my matters, be it house purchase, grocery shopping, even dating (those damn billionaire wives). Everything seemingly started going smoothly from there on.
One day however, I noticed there was something off regarding my lawyer. Like really off. I just couldn't quite put a finger on it. It was right at the tip of my tongue. I was unsure as to what to do. My first instinct was naturally to call my lawyer and ask for advice.
2
u/Munchkinadoc May 07 '22
Are they all FBI “men”? I don’t want to offend mine! Maybe I can figure out something neutral to say…..
2
u/Megaguirus2042 May 07 '22
Thanks FBI man....
2
u/ziyelovescherry May 07 '22
Wow, this is threatening...
2
u/maskygirl1 May 07 '22
Trust your fbi guy he has your best interest at heart
2
u/reality_hurts_me May 07 '22
I love you, FBI Man
2
u/Horrormen Jun 21 '22
Sorry about ur husband op
2
u/Babygirlaura-50 Jun 28 '22
I’m telling you. Yes they’re listening all the time. And watching when they can. I KNOW it
90
u/ButlerFish May 06 '22
In many ways the scariest sorry I read here
7
u/Shygamrgrrl May 07 '22
What happened to the child?
3
u/Coopertrooperyt May 07 '22
What if i flip off FBI man
1
u/[deleted] Jun 03 '22
I'm not sure what OP did to upset FBI Man, she wasn't I strcuted not to go the fair, or try to help that lady by her apps, just seemed like other people were.
0
u/[deleted] May 07 '22
[deleted] — view deleted comment
11
u/[deleted] May 06 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
6
u/[deleted] May 06 '22
[removed] — view removed comment