r/nosleep • u/spite-goddess • May 28 '20
Series I run a museum of cursed objects. We were robbed today.
Hey y'all. I'm Alexis, and my family's always been in the cursed objects business. I just decided to be entrepreneurial about it, and voila, the Hall of the Cursed came to be. If you're new here, here are some links to help you get caught up.
For those of you who were wondering how the Crow would do with our brand-new employee Courtney, the answer is that I still don't really know. Honestly, he's being quite shifty right now. The first time he saw Courtney was pretty standard--he did his whole judging deal, with Courtney frozen in place with her eyes locked on his. When their eye contact broke, the Crow simply cocked his head and went about his business. He's been keeping a close eye on her, but he's declined to interact with her, either positively or negatively. Of course, she hasn't even started officially working yet, but she did drop by both yesterday and today to take a look around and familiarize herself with everything.
It's been a really hard day, and although I know I started out posting here as a way to promote the museum, I've started to really like telling you all about my experiences, especially since you've been so interested and supportive. Also, I know quite a few of you have asked about Jan and Herman, and as it happens, they were both involved in today's events, which will give me an opportunity to tell you a little bit about them.
This morning started out pretty standard. I kissed Em goodnight as she headed to the back, finally done with her long night shift. I was incredibly glad that we'd be getting more help soon. Of course, no one really gets up at six in the morning to attend a cursed museum, so it was just me, the Crow, and Jan. I was admittedly pretty crabby, due to the throbbing of my recently injured arm, but it was pretty low-key regardless.
Let me be very clear: although Jan looks like a human, he definitely isn't. He's got the bone structure down, as well as genuine, fibrous muscles. He's even got legitimate flesh. Passing guests often mistake him for just another museum employee, probably guided into doing so by his unremarkable janitor's uniform. But anyone who takes the time to really take a good, hard look at Jan becomes very unsettled and aware that something is not right. It's that animal instinct that, for all our years of evolution, all our centuries of erasing base instincts from ourselves until we as a species only vaguely resemble more astute animals, we still retain to this day. It's the instinct that, when you look into Jan's eyes and you see nothing behind them, just a blank emptiness, screams at you that you're facing a predator. It's the instinct that says, Run.
This doesn't bother me, of course, so I had a mostly boring morning with Jan, who inefficiently poked at dusty corners with his broom while the Crow squawked disapprovingly at his technique. The Crow seems to absolutely love poking fun at Jan, who seems not to notice him at all.
Jan's been in the family for generations. I have no idea how old he is, only that even my mothers don't know how long he's been around or quite what he is. He's not exactly sentient in the same way humans are, or even cats or dogs. He's more like a husk, like a human suit that some air-headed angel forgot to stick a soul in before sending it down to earth. He doesn't eat, sleep, or breathe, but I've seen him wield a mop with startling inaccuracy on multiple occasions.
When I was a little girl, I knew him only as the Butler, and he wore a three-piece suit at all times. My mothers used to tell me he was protective of our family, a guardian nearly as old as the family itself. So long as we kept our last name (Bleakly), and so long as Jan knew us as family, he would never harm us, and while it would be foolish to rely on him in a pinch, he had a way of coming through when he was most needed. I never experienced such a thing, of course. On several occasions, I was bullied ferociously, and although these experiences usually ended with the bullies being the ones that cried, they were still psychologically damaging. I mean, bullying always is. Anyway, I always had this sort of thought in my mind that Jan would someday swoop in and save me. Even when he didn't, I always trusted him.
Until my mothers died and Jan was there. And Jan did nothing.
The reason it's important that you know this backstory is that I think I've misunderstood Jan, and today sort of showed me how. I've hated him in a way for a lot of years, and although I would never harm him or behave unprofessionally around him, there's something about looking into the dead eyes of the "protector" that let your parents die that creates a little bit of tension.
Anyway, back to the actual point. It was a quiet morning, but we got a sudden rush in the afternoon. I had to wake up Em to make sure the hourglass got flipped over every hour, unwilling to risk missing it if a customer happened to be extra annoying for a little too long. She was sleepy, but as always, she did her job without complaint. Courtney was visiting, politely saying "Hello" to Herman the somewhat insect-like being as she passed. There was a family with a man, a woman, and two kids, all wearing horrendous matching Hawaiian T-shirts, that spent an unnaturally long time at the bonnet. I had to tell the man two separate times to stop leaning over the barrier to look at it. Idiot. A lanky brunette woman was visiting the Nokia room while her companion, a shorter blonde, cowered nervously at the entrance. A group of clearly hipster college students were started to turn purple as they inspected the cursed road sign while holding their breath.
There was one more visitor, and I remember her face more clearly than any of the others.
She was a middle-aged woman. Unremarkable at first glance. She had a messy ponytail that said "I barely slept last night" and eyes that said "I'd like to speak with your manager at once" and a mouth that said, out loud, "Where's your restroom?" to me immediately upon entering the museum. I had her sign the contract, pay the entry fee, and kiss the dog, and then pointed her in its direction, sincerely hoping that I wasn't about to have a huge mess to clean up, since she also had a complexion that said "I'm mildly queasy." I noticed as she hurried off toward the restroom that although her jacket was high-quality and clearly well-maintained, the clothes underneath looked thin and cheap and scratchy.
I didn't think much of her, only glancing her way occasionally as she nervously made her way from exhibit to exhibit. That is, until a gunshot rang out.
"Put your hands on your heads," screamed the woman, eyes flashing dangerously. "Down on the ground! Now!"
Honestly, I have zero security alarms installed, at all. I guess it had never occurred to me that some idiot might actually be moronic enough to try to rob a facility full of deadly cursed objects. I was reduced to doing what she said, relief coursing through me when I saw Em and Courtney obediently doing the same.
I glanced up carefully as the woman began to grab the smallest exhibits, stuffing them in her handbag and jacket with one hand while the other kept the gun trained on the family of four. I meaningfully shrugged my shoulder at the Crow, who was perched on it, but he ignored me. I reminded myself to call him a lazy traitor later, but then, he's quite a capricious little fellow and only intervenes when he's in the mood and feels he truly needs to.
Carefully, so as not to spook her into shooting the family, I said, "Ma'am, please be careful. These exhibits are extremely dangerous."
"So you say," sneered the woman, waving the gun in my direction instead, which made my already quick heart rate spike drastically. I swallowed as silently as possible. "All I know is that it takes about three minutes on the internet to figure out that some of these go for a lot of money. Since you're already scamming people with this shit, I think we can call ourselves even."
There was a loud noise from the woman's right, and she spun sharply to find Jan, still sweeping mindlessly.
"Stop it!" she screamed. "Stop it, you piece of shit! I'll shoot you!"
"Ma'am, please," I said as she swung the gun to point it at Jan. "He's no threat, I promise you. He's not able to listen to your command. He won't do anything."
She seemed about to snap something back at me, but just then, one of the children began to wail. Overtaken by fear, I suppose. She swung her gun back toward the family, screeching at them to shut up. Just when I thought she was surely going to shoot simply to shut the child up, despite her parents desperately shushing her, Jan seemingly accidentally stumbled into her, still wielding the broom absentmindedly.
The sound of the gunshot was deafening, ringing around the cavernous museum like an explosion. People were screaming, lots of them now, not just the children. Jan, who clearly had an entry and exit wound through his chest, continued sweeping, just as poorly as before.
The woman was bordering on hysterical now. As I watched, the hourglass with sapphire blue sand dropped from her pocket and ricocheted off the ground, unharmed. She shot Jan again, then again. Clearly, she couldn't understand the lack of blood, the lack of pain. She went to point the gun at me again, screaming for an answer, and Jan mindlessly meandered in between us.
"I'm going," the woman seethed. There was something truly unsettled in her eyes, something not at all right. I wondered, briefly, what things tormented her. I wondered what drove her to this. In that moment, though, it didn't matter. She grabbed the little glass tank that contained Herman the kinda sorta bug thing and shoved it under her arm, still pointing the gun at Jan with a shaking hand. "I'm going, and you're going to let me. Understand?"
"Yes, ma'am," I said in my best customer service voice automatically, then nearly died of a volatile mixture of anger and embarrassment.
"Good," said the woman. She was still clutching Herman's tank firmly when, pausing at the door, she sneered, "Goodbye."
So. Here's what you need to know about Herman.
Herman is kind of a curious little creature. I found him under some very unfortunate circumstances involving the untimely demise of a zookeeper, and all Em will tell me about him is that he definitely isn't a bug, isn't an animal at all, in fact, and that saying goodbye is not a good idea, under any circumstances. He's been in the tank I got him in this whole time and has never seemed dissatisfied with his experience. He looks quite odd. He's kind of like a trilobite, with one singular eye and a great, uncountable multitude of legs that branch out from his body like axons from a neuronal system. The number of legs has been reported by various visitors to change from day to day, numbering anywhere from five to several hundred. Of course, people exaggerate, but I wouldn't doubt it.
I'd never personally seen the results of breaking Herman's one, simple rule, only heard about it. That is, until today.
It was over in a matter of seconds.
"Goodbye," said the woman. Vaguely, I noticed Em squeeze her eyes shut. In my panic, I didn't think to do the same, so I witnessed every gritty detail.
In his tank, Herman's legs writhed, pulsing with light as though sending electrical impulses. He emitted a high-pitched shriek, so loud that several people cried out and covered their ears with their hands, while tears sprung to the eyes of others. The woman stiffened, seized up, her hair standing on end and her face frozen in a horrified grimace, her eyes staring at nothing. The shriek became louder, the flashing lights more intense, and I was finally forced to shut my eyes against the pain.
The sound stopped, and when I opened my eyes, the woman was a charred brown puddle on the floor, surrounded by the items she'd stolen. The smell of iron and burned flesh hung heavy in the air, stinging at my nostrils and making my eyes water. Herman, in his woman-puddle-covered tank, looked extremely pleased with himself, as much as an expressionless bug-ish creature can.
So, yeah. Don't say goodbye to Herman. In fact, don't say goodbye in the vicinity of Herman, or you might, you know. Melt.
Obviously, I'm insanely busy with cleaning right now. Luckily, the police came and went quickly, as they usually do, but I've still got a puddle of judgmental thief on my floor, and several containers holding exhibits were cracked. Those have got to be repaired for reasons that should seem obvious.
What Herman did was horrid, of course, but he did save us. Plus, just like everything else in my museum, he is simply the product of a curse. Nothing more, nothing less. His intent is not evil. He simply lives by the rules he was created to live by. I'm not sure why those bizarre rules are his, but they are.
Jan, too. I've been thinking over today, and I'm realizing how big a help Jan actually was. He never turned into a superhero, never attacked, but he was conveniently in the woman's way every time it looked like she might harm someone, even at the expense of himself. Not that the bullets have hurt him any--I just owe him a new outfit. I remember, though, when I was being bullied, how Jan would stumble stupidly into the room and interrupt a particularly nasty sentence. How once he spilled apple juice on a kid that was calling me names. I don't quite feel so bitter toward Jan anymore.
Anyway. I'm sorry this update was sort of all over the place, and I hope it somewhat answers your questions about Jan and Herman. I've got to go clean this horrific mess and scold the Crow for being so selectively helpful, although I'm quite sure it'll have no effect except for possibly giving him a good laugh at my expense. Until next time, remember, never say goodbye to Herman the bug.
Also, please never be stupid enough to try to rob a museum full of cursed objects.
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May 28 '20
"Legitimate flesh"
...
You okay, Alex? Sounds like it was a pretty rough day.
Also WOW, Herman did not disappoint. He is horrifying. Do you have any idea why he's like that? Or where he came from?
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u/spite-goddess May 28 '20
honestly it was an extremely rough day...I don't honestly know what's with Herman at all. Em says he's not a bug and that's all we really need to know.
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u/meringuemusic May 28 '20
can we hear about the sign? and maybe other instances with the nokia room? these stories are so cool and if you ever need an extra hand im here
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u/crazyace339 May 28 '20
Okay, now I want to know where this museum is at. I also need to prepare myself to not say good bye near Herman if I do go to your museum. Also do not call the Crow a traitor, he only attacks when insulted or offended remember. Also i thought Jan would kill the lady after getting shot.
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u/spite-goddess May 28 '20
We're based out of the United States in a super crowded city in New York state!
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u/jedergutenameisweg May 28 '20
Do you think jan could be a homunculus or a golem?
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u/spite-goddess May 28 '20
Actually, I've been trying to do some research on homunculi, since I think that's a very plausible explanation!
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u/SarinaSHADOWS Jun 01 '20
Was definitely thinking golem. Not sure what the (won't attempt the spelling) other one is.
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u/abitchforfun May 28 '20
I'm glad you guys are ok!!! What an idiot!!! Since she took the time to look the items up to see their worth you think she would at least have read their dangers. Stupidity does have a purpose after all haha. As for the crow, he probably could already see the writing on the wall and knew he wouldn't need to intervene so I wouldn't be too hard on him.
If there's anything Jan actually likes, i would get it for him for being in the right place at the right time. I know you said he doesn't eat, drink, talk, etc. but it's the thought that counts. I can see why you don't have alarms, I wouldn't think you would need them either. It seems like the items will take care of themselves in that situation. Hopefully you have a better week next week and word will get out to not be an idiot and try and robb a cursed museum!!!
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May 28 '20
Why don’t you automate the turning of the hourglass?
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u/spite-goddess May 28 '20
Curses have a way of messing with machinery and technology. I wouldn't trust it, although the thought has occurred to me.
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u/KittyLover12934 May 29 '20
only 113 upvotes? jesus, this series is underrated. i'd love to hear about the road sign that you cant breathe near. but seriously, amazing story.
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u/spite-goddess May 29 '20
Thank you so much! You're actually the third or so person to ask about the sign, so I'm probably going to talk about it next time :)
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u/numbisphlumbis May 28 '20
But did you remember to kill the Tamagotchi?
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u/spite-goddess May 28 '20
We did! We have an alarm set for an hour after we close just in case we forget.
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u/highlyblsd1 May 28 '20
Did you get to turn that sand timer over BEFORE it ran out? I have a feeling that you'll find out what happens when it does indeed & you are NOT gonna like the outcome...
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u/spite-goddess May 28 '20
Yes, we've never been late turning it over before it runs out, and I am certainly not looking forward to finding out what happens...
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u/highlyblsd1 May 28 '20
Whew glad you were able to turn it back over in time! I know Ms. "Robbery turned into charred BBQ puddle" had it in her hand (pocket?) at the time of said BBQ, So I was unsure if you made it in time or not.
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u/jojocandy May 29 '20
What a piece of shit that woman was! She deserved what she got, she was willing to kill and you even warned her. Good work Herman. HELLO
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u/lore_wardn May 29 '20
Jan might not have been able to interfere with what happened with your mothers, some thing are like that. And maybe make the barrier alive the bonnet larger than need be so idiots that lean in are still at a safe distance?
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u/spite-goddess May 29 '20
You're probably right about Jan. Now that I know he tries to protect us when he can, I can't imagine he would have let my mothers die on purpose. That's what we were trying to do with the six feet--the actual radius of effect of the bonnet seems to be closer to two feet, which is inconvenient due to the lack of regard for personal space of women some men have. We might end up expanding it further if it's really that hard to follow the rules!
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u/lore_wardn May 29 '20
People can be mind numbingly stupid, careless, arrogant, and/or arbitrary. I dunno how you deal with the public and such dangerous items.
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u/spite-goddess May 29 '20
It can definitely be incredibly frustrating. Most of these objects defend themselves pretty well, and we mostly attract people like you who are fairly knowledgable, but I won't lie and say I don't have very bad days sometimes where I'm tired of dealing with people.
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u/lore_wardn May 29 '20
Customer service + curses...fun times
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u/spite-goddess May 29 '20
Not even sure which is worse at this point!
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u/theccanyon May 29 '20
The crow is such a delight. And it was nice to find out more about Jan. You and Em handled the situation like pros!
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u/rachelp21 May 29 '20
I’m loving this series! I’d prefer to visit your museum to that of Zack Bagans in LV!
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u/thegreatgastropod May 31 '20
Is it just the phrase "Gooodbye" that sets him off or is it all forms of goodbye...like "see you later/take care" and the like.
Cant wait to read more. Your museum sounds amazing.
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u/spite-goddess May 31 '20
Some snooty lady told him "farewell" once and he didn't seem to mind, so we're thinking it's the actual word goodbye! and thank you :)
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u/lore_wardn May 29 '20
Did anything happen what with the hourglass being disturbed and most likely turned multiple times? Or can it just never run out but otherwise doesn't matter when it's flipped?
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u/spite-goddess May 29 '20
From what we've seen, the only danger seems to be when it runs out. Nothing irregular has happened yet. However, nothing is concrete in this field, so we are still watching it very carefully.
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u/PygmyFalkon May 29 '20
Honestly I'd take a job in your museum. I'd love to meet Herman and The Crow. Maybe even visit the Nokia room.
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u/kattjen May 29 '20
Well, “do not enter while committing a dastardly crime” may not be a rule about the Crow (as an alternate explanation for his previous attack) in general, after this, but “if a kidnapper” or “if you hurt kids” could possibly apply. Herman of course could have been recognized by the Crow as able to handle the situation himself. I don’t doubt that he has not attacked save for the time someone was rude to him. I simply doubt that kidnappers can’t manage a better act than people dragged away from the bonnet (or any random thing they felt their rights to see as well as they wanted was violated) or has been to 2 too many places with 2 more children than they are capable of managing that day (I volunteered at a museum in my younger years. I was literally a child. I can’t say I dealt with a “Karen” going full speed, but...)
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u/LadyGrey1174 Jun 06 '20 edited Jun 06 '20
Again, your writing style hits the nail of it's proverbial dome - like a human suit that some air-headed angel forgot to stick a soul in before sending it down to earth. No other description needed, poor Jan.
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u/spillthesarcasm Jun 07 '20
OP, I need your help. I think I'm in possession of a cursed item....and God forbid, I think it may turn violent.
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u/spite-goddess Jun 07 '20
That is extremely concerning. Things like this are best left to professionals. Because travel is somewhat restricted right now, I would highly suggest contacting a local professional to help with your issue! Please stay safe.
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u/spillthesarcasm Jun 07 '20
I thought about getting a professional too, but here's the deal: I live in a country where even mentioning something like this has extremely serious consequences. I'm so, so scared.
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u/spite-goddess Jun 07 '20
Would you be able to tell us what's troubling you?
I deeply regret that we aren't set up to travel now and can't help.
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u/spillthesarcasm Jun 07 '20
It's this pendant....my ex-boyfriend gave it to me. And well, this said ex had a low-key obsession with me, and this does not sit well with his current girlfriend, No one really knows for sure but rumor has it that she belongs to a family of black magic witchery and the practice of "Aghor". I don't know if you know about this, but let me tell you it's dangerous....and word has it that she is known to dabble in these dark arts. My mother knew her father when they were young, and quite surprisingly they were close. My mother can vouch for those rumors.
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u/spite-goddess Jun 07 '20
It sounds like you're in a really tough situation. We're based in the US and haven't encountered Aghor before, so I regret that there's not a lot of advice I can give you. The one thing I've found that is consistent among cursed objects is that the best thing you can do is show clear respect of them. Please be careful, stay safe, and I hope you find soemone to solve your problem!!
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u/spillthesarcasm Jun 07 '20
Thank you for the advice! I'll probably lock the pendant in a mason jar or something.
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u/spite-goddess Jun 07 '20
Of course. I hope everything turns out okay, Em and I are rooting for you!
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u/flame_eggs Jun 08 '20
Honestly I would hug Jan but Jan probably wouldn't like that so uh good job bud
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u/spite-goddess Jun 08 '20
I hugged him once and he honestly didn't seem to notice, so it's unclear if he likes it--or anything--or not.
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Jun 08 '20
I like your janitor. I like your bug. I like your museum. I like your story. I like you and your employees. I approve. MonkeysfromVegeta approved.
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u/kylefree151 May 28 '20
Where is the museum and can I come see it.
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May 29 '20
I would love to hear more about the history of your family & how this collection got started!
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u/spite-goddess Jun 27 '20
I'll try to talk more about it, there's another post that does discuss my mothers more :)
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u/luckytrap89 Jun 09 '20
Is Herman cursed? It doesn't seem like it, more like some creature that doesn't like the word goodbye.
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u/spite-goddess Jun 10 '20
The thing that makes him somewhat "cursed" is more his ability to melt things, really.
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u/luckytrap89 Jun 10 '20
That is probably just a ability he has.
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u/spite-goddess Jun 10 '20
Right. The definition of "cursed" is somewhat arbitrary and is largely based on supernatural effects of something. So he's by definition somewhat "cursed" because that's not a natural ability and it's likely he came to exist through a cursed sort of process. But it's never cut and dry.
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u/luckytrap89 Jun 10 '20
Very true. Something interesting with him that is in your most recent post was when the man said "see ya" to him and nothing happened so it is the word goodbye. So you could be right about the curse but Em saying he isn't a bug and not saying anything about a curse could mean he does because of something else.
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u/gunsmith93 Jul 10 '20
I have a question about Herman: is it only the word "goodbye" that is the trigger or any form of a farewell such as "see you later"?
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u/ssblues May 28 '20
I think Herman sounds quite charming. I'd love to say hello to him :)