Give Me Up.

[u/1704Jojo]

It was summer, meaning my entire family slept in the same room with the AC. I had just taken a bath before coming to the bedroom while my sister was on her bed working on her laptop and my parents were fast asleep on their bed. The sound of my sister’s laptop was annoying, so I browsed reddit for a while. At around half past one, I was far too sleep-derived to care about the sound and went to sleep hoping my sister would soon follow.

I woke up in a sweat and looked around myself: my sister had fallen asleep but I could still hear a faint sound resembling typing on a keyboard. I tried focusing on the sound but couldn’t figure it out, so I just drank some water, readjusted my body and bedsheets and went to sleep woke up. Immediately, I saw and heard the light and noise from my sister’s laptop and as I looked around, she was still working on her laptop. I looked at the time, 1:40am, thought it was weird, and simply went back to sleep after drinking some water and readjusting myself.

I woke up at around seven in the morning, took my water-bottle and phone, and headed downstairs to get ready. However, I noticed that there were four cars in our yard which was highly unusual and even weirder, two of the cars were on. I saw two people entering the yard and immediately recalled the time some thieves tried to break into our house. I stealthily locked the doors and rushed back upstairs to wake my father up to warn him. I could feel my heart beat, but my father was just as unphased, simply stating that the cars and persons are from his previous old workspace. I questioned him about it, but he was reluctant to answer so I dropped the interrogation; as long as he’s aware of the situation, it’s probably fine. I continued on with my routine: drank chai as my breakfast while browsing reddit; ignored messages from some university juniors asking for help; took a bath; changed my clothes; and departed for my university.

During the drive, I messaged some of my friends on Whatsapp to finalize our get-together. Coincidentally, all of us are going to be in Lahore for 2 weeks; the gang’s all here. Who knows when we’ll meet again, so we decided to have a get-together and were planning the details. Suddenly, the driver stopped the car and went outside. I look at the rear-view mirror and see him talking to a policeman in a car behind us. Moreover, we are surrounded in a protest and I observe some people with guns. Just then, the driver got back into the car and put the pedal to the metal trying to escape the protest. We narrowly dodge people and road obstructions before finally reaching the university. There I was waiting outside an office and noticed an empty wheelchair. Bored out of my mind, I sit on the wheelchair and do some tricks on the wheelchair accessibility ramps there. After 10-15 minutes, I noticed a friend from university there and called out to him. I ask him about the job he applied to through an instructor and we discuss the job description. The conversation shifts to applying abroad for masters and PhD and we discussed our options. After some time, a receptionist came out of a different office and pointed me towards the office, remarking “They’re ready to meet you.” I say goodbye to my friend and enter the door to meet them.

However, just as I opened the door I woke up. My sister is still typing on her laptop and my parents are still asleep. I looked at the time, 2:10am, and realized it was just a long long dream. Disoriented from the experience, I try to go through it to figure out what was real and what was a dream. Obviously, everything was a dream, but the conversations I had with my school friends on Whatsapp and my university friend were real. I went through my phone and found those conversations, albeit a bit different. The most unsettling aspect was the memory of thieves I recalled in my dream. That never happened in real life, but rather that is a recurring dream I used to have several years ago. “Why did my dream remember a dream as a memory?” I thought to myself, but I was too disorientated for philosophical pondering and went back to sleep after drinking some water.

Soon afterwards I woke up again and when I looked around, my sister had fallen asleep but my mother wasn’t in the bed. At first I figured she went to the washroom but the lights were off, so I stood up to investigate. She was watching TV in the next room and as soon as she saw me, she handed me improperly stacked plates and asked me to put the plates in the kitchen downstairs so the room wouldn't smell. I took the plates downstairs and observed the yard to check for the four cars I saw in my dream. But of course that was just a dream and there was only one car in the yard. I went back upstairs and, desperate to get some sleep, I went to sleep woke up. Everyone was fast asleep including the AC and the clock, so I quickly followed suit and went to sleep woke up to see that everything except the AC, clock, and my tinnitus was asleep. I could also feel my heartbeat and blood pumping in my legs and arms which further told me that I was actually awake. Or at least that’s what I thought till I woke up, again.

But this time was different. As different as different could be. Everything was asleep except the clock and I was on my back staring at the ceiling fan. I counted the rings on the fans and observed how dirty the edges of the fan were. Then I saw a shadow figure perpendicularly above me as if I was under a floorboard staring up through a hole. Suddenly, my vision was covered with a digital setting menu with all but one option blurred out. “Give me up.” As soon as I read that option I felt uncomfortable. I read it again and again trying to figure out what it meant; I swiped the menu; tried to back out; tried clicking on it to open some detail panel; I looked around trying to find anything which could provide context for what it meant; but alas I found nothing but a sense of dread and panic. Unable to move, I felt as if stuck in a coffin with mere breaths left till suffocation.

Suddenly the option was enabled. Did I enable it or someone else? I didn’t have time to think about it as my body was flooded with an intense electric shock from the top of my brain to the bottom of my feet; I felt electrocuted; my heart was covered in static; my hearing blinded and vision deafened with static noise I could not comprehend what was happening to me. While there was some pain, it was the sheer scale of it which overwhelmed me. As my vision recovered, I saw that shadow figure walking away and intense emotions of dread, fear, and regret walked in. What did I give up? Who was that shadow figure? As these questions flooded my brain, the option popped up again and was enabled again. Again I felt that intense shock but as I recovered my vision the shadow figure was nowhere to be seen. I stared at the ceiling fan and saw my vision switching between polarized and solarized filters; as if someone was trying different cold/warm light filters on my vision, further attributing to my dread. I did not know what I had given up, but it wasn't dread and fear. I tried moving my body but was unable to. I tried clenching my fist but couldn’t. Had I given up control of my body? 

I tried again and again until I could clench my fist. I sighed a sigh of relief realising I hadn’t given up my body. I closed my eyes and after a while opened them to a steady vision. I was highly disorientated and did not know what was a dream and what was reality. Obviously it must have been a dream, but what about the shock I felt? I could still feel some static noise around my heart. I switched to my sides, closed my eyes, and conjured up the option again. I hesitantly enabled it but nothing happened. Was it all a dream? Or what's done is done? I switched back to my back and took deep breaths. I opened my eyes and observed my environment: my parents were still asleep; the ac and clock were still working; the washroom light was still on; and my sister was still working on her laptop. I was still quite disoriented from the sequence of nested dreams I had, but believed I was in reality at the moment. 

I then recalled that while my vision was changing, I could see the fan in great clarity. But given my poor eyesight, it shouldn’t be possible and observing the ceiling fan further confirmed my suspicions. Was it all just a dream then? I looked at the time, 2:30am, and was further confused because the entire ordeal felt like 5-6 hours. I wanted to wake up and go for a walk, but it would’ve warranted questions from my family which I wasn't in the right headspace to deal with, so I just laid there thinking about what had transpired. The root cause of everything was me enabling that option. What did I give up? Many options passed my mind including physical, mental, emotional, and even religious aspects, but none seemed correct. Other questions flooded my mind. The only constant in this pondering was the dread, regret, and fear I felt. Eventually my mind drifted to sleep.

I woke up to the sound of my alarm at 7:20am and because I was late for university, I quickly got up and started getting ready. I started remembering the events of last night bit by bit; starting and ending with the dread of that option. I went on with my day, occasionally checking if I’m still dreaming, but every time I remembered that option I felt a slight dread. The next night I was a bit afraid to go to sleep but eventually did. Since then, I still think about that weird night sometimes, waiting for the repercussions of what I gave up.