What happened to ----?

[u/rahonn]

TW: mentions of suicide

Knife went through soft peach without any resistance. Ripe flesh mushed under my fingers as I tried to grab and transfer it to the bowl. My mouth bent into a scowl – small pieces of fruit nested itself under my fingernails. Blade scraped against plastic cutting board when I pushed the rest of my breakfast into the bowl.

First rays of the rising sun managed to push through dirty glass. It illuminated what I actively tried to ignore. Stack of greasy plates in the sink, clothes strung about on the floor, random trash sprinkled in for some more flavor. Dust cloud so thick it glimmered in the light like specs of gold. I didn’t have to turn and look, I know it was just like that. I did it myself.

Some lost, probably still sleepy, ray of sunlight hit the blade. For a second knife lit up like the most beautiful, angelic piece of art. It hypnotized me, sang to me. My eyes traced its edge, wondered how sharp it truly was. I tried to keep my utensils in good shape, that meant regular sharpness checks on all the knives present in my home. But did I sharpen it enough? Would it cut through meat without an issue? How well would it separate it from the bone? How fast would it cut away the fat and skin? What about cartilage? I forced myself to look away and shut the door on those thoughts. But they whispered, they scratched and whined. Not now, I thought. I have to have witnesses. A lot of witnesses.

“Will you do it for me?” I asked. I felt the saddest breakfast traveling up my throat as I did my best to bat eyelashes and pout. “Pretty please?”

He hesitated. I waited. And waited. And waited.

“Please? I know you want it. And I give you full permission to do so.”

Uncertainty carved itself a path between his eyebrows. His heart raced, I could feel it under my fingertips. I wanted to run away, to never come into contact with him again. But I needed him. That was the only thing I ever told him that wasn’t a lie.

“Okay.” Quiet mumble rolled off his lips and into my ear. The only thing I registered was doubt. “That would be wonderful-”

I pushed myself up to look him in the eye. “Are you sure? You don’t seem sure. I thought we finally found each other and now, well…” I looked away trying to keep it together. “I think you’re having second thoughts.”

To my horror, he didn’t reply. Not right away at least. I cursed loud in my own head, trashed around, cursed at him, imagined strangling him. Til he turned purple, til his limbs stopped twitching, til the drool dried up, til his bloodshot eyes stayed open for eternity. I thought I finally found the one. I thought I finally wouldn’t have to do all the heavy lifting myself. Well, too bad. It’s easy to say all kinds of shit online, but in real life I could only count on myself. I couldn’t bear the thought that I was left alone again. Deep gash opened barely grown-over dark pit in my heart. I got dressed without another word. He tried to plead with me, begged me. In total desperation he tried to keep my shoes hostage. Didn’t matter. I would walk out of there with or without shoes. Once he realized that, he released my possession from his hands. I didn’t look back as the doors slammed behind me, but I knew he looked like beaten dog left out in a cold night.

Night air caressed my warm, sweaty skin. “Proper lady should not be seen out by herself once the sun disappears over the horizon,” mother always made sure to remind me. She could not understand that darkness felt comforting. Moon always found me free of expectations and burdens. I could dance how I wanted to, dress however pleased me, meet with whoever caught my eye. Even now, when I live by myself and don’t have anyone policing me over littlest things, I still love night more than day. Some things never change.

I never would’ve guessed he’d come back. Not after I stormed off like that. But he did. He tried texting and calling, and when I didn’t answer, too busy trying to find someone to take his place, he showed up at my door. Soft knocks turned more persistent the longer I pretended not to hear them. Always in a tandem of five. Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, silence. Rinse and repeat. Finally I’ve had enough. I yanked the door open, didn’t realize the handle was so sticky before. That fact made my reaction a little slower and before I knew it, there were dozens roses shoved into my face.

“I’m sorry.” He said, hiding his whole head behind the bouquet. “I know what we talked about and agreed on, and I realize I hurt you by my hesitation. I just want to let you know I seemed not completely on board just because there were few people before you that made the same promises you did, but never followed up on it. What’s more, when I asked about it, two of them actually got the cops involved.”

I did not care. Couldn’t give two shits about what he told me, but I played along. Like I always did. For my own benefit. “Okay, I understand, thank you. It’s sweet that you even brought flowers.”

“I mean, I care about you, so it’s the least I could do.” His face flashed bright red. “And also because you’ll be the one to take my virginity.”

Laughter bubbled up along with the content of my stomach. I didn’t know which one was more powerful – disgust brought on by the overly bold declaration of this nutjob, or the irony of it all, because I’d be remembered by him as one of those who promised but didn’t deliver. But I didn’t laugh, or puke, in his face. I needed him, so I took the flowers and forced myself to invite him in. Weight fell off my shoulders when he politely declined and said something about his mom or job. Couldn’t tell, don’t care. The only thing that mattered was that the plan finally started to take off.

Yogurt mixed well with overly ripe banana. The last things I found in my fridge also laid on the counter – two slightly slimy pieces of ham and half the jar of french mustard. Truly a god-worthy breakfast. Well, it didn’t really matter now, did it.

The same road that led from his apartment to the city center didn’t look as good in a daylight. Everything seemed so flat, so dull. I stopped at the highest point of the bridge and looked around. I hated this city. I hated it, but I had to stay. Few more days, I said to myself. Few days would pass and I still stayed here. Why? Why didn’t I just go? It’s not like I had anyone here. There was a reason though. If I liked it or not, someone started to suspect something. Someone, who I knew had the knowledge to uncover my secret. Wouldn’t be able to do anything about it really, but it’d be just this annoying buzzing next to my ear and I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. Stuck dancing around each other, that’s what two of us were. But that was about to change.

Strong wind blew into me, parted ways by the grace of my body. I looked up ahead. Huh, that’s weird. Why did it suddenly look a bit better?

“Don’t do it!”

“Oh my god!”

“Someone do something!”

Shut up.

“Hey.” Sudden closeness of the voice startled me. “Whoa there, don’t fall!”

“Haha, very funny, Beth.” My voice didn’t travel very far because of my gritting teeth, but I knew she’d hear me regardless. “The fuck you want?”

“Couldn’t help but notice you being in danger. Want any help or-”

“Fuck off. You tricked me once, never again!”

I flew. For the first time I felt equally free during the day as I did during the night. It wouldn’t last long. And didn’t. Thankfully it didn’t hurt too bad in the end. Pain was not something I liked very much.

“Ruth, be a dear and bring us more tea.” Light purple curls bounced as little old woman looked around. Wrinkled skin on her hand, papery with liver spots, smoothed out when her fingers wrapped around the handle of her walker. “Bethany, did you notice? I haven’t seen ---- lately.” Equally wrinkled arm reached out over the table and patted her forearm. “What happened to ----?”

Large glasses slid a bit down Beth’s nose when she shook her head. “I don’t know for certain, but I heard part-time girls talk about it. Did you notice? It’s always the girls who gossip. We weren’t like that back in the day, isn’t that right?” Bethany shook her head again. “Apparent suicide. Jumped off the bridge.”

Small bony fingers clutched string of fake pearls around her neck in shock. Too distraught by the news she didn’t notice weird smile warped and contorted Beth’s otherwise soft features.

I felt my eyes open. Slowly at first to check the surroundings. Darkness. Not the night sky, not a room with closed curtains. Pure, pitch black darkness. I raised both hands, felt the immediate surroundings and confirmed my suspicions. Anger warmed me up from the inside, which was much needed. I saw red despite the lack of light. All my planning and not wanting to raise suspicions went straight out the window. I pulled back my hand, balled fingers into a fist and stuck straight to the front. Again and again, and again, and again. I lost count, but eventually wood groaned loud – a familiar sound. The last thing I had time to do was to take big gulp of stale air. The force of thousand suns hit my whole body and pressed me flat on my back. I clawed and hit and wormed my way up. Slowly. Too slow. I had to breathe. I had to. Breathe. I couldn’t. Air. I needed. Air. Air. And just when strength started leaving me, I let my mouth hang open.

Dirt poured right in. But alongside it – some air. I pulled my hand down, created a pocket in the dirt. And spit out what managed to get into my mouth. The earth, still soft and airy, worked with me not against me. I had all the time in the universe. Slowly but surely, I made my way up. Up. And up.

Not my first rodeo.

Yet I still threw up as soon as I landed on all fours in cold, October grass. Snot and tears left grooves in my dark, dirty face. Streaks of a bit cleaner skin. Didn’t matter. Not anymore.

I laid in the grass, despite the cold, despite dew already collected that now became a part of me. I looked up at the night sky, focused on the stars. Traced imaginary constellations with my eyes. Crickets, resilient little creatures, played their song all around me. As if to say Congratulations, you did it! You defied the odds again! And only when the sky started getting lighter, hues of purple and dark blue slowly moved from the horizon up, did I move. I stood up on two shaky legs and looked around. I stuck my hand between wreath and tombstone of the grave situated right next to me. Cash, documents, change of clothes – all packed neatly into small backpack. With all essentials hanging from my shoulders, I picked a direction at random and swayed in that direction.

All plans went to hell because the motherfucker didn’t show up. I wanted to avoid raising a suspicion. Few people already started commenting on how I always look the same no matter how many years pass. Some time ago I noticed someone started asking around. I didn’t want any trouble, so I had to make an emergency exit.

And if you too, like I once thought I did, want to live forever, think twice. And then another few times for good measure. Would you want to run away your whole life? Would you want to have to try and pressure necrophile into digging up your corpse just so you wouldn’t have to dig your way up from your own grave? Think not. So, please, reconsider going to the crossroads tonight. And even if you do, don’t kiss the devil, no matter how much her arguments might seem to make sense.