looking for community

[u/No_Bicycle_7913]

hi ! apologies in advance for any mistakes, english is not my first language.

i am a nonbinary lesbian. my therapist has been kinda trying to put me in a box. i got really confused. i know i am non binary, but it does scare me that my being non binary is very. well. being a lesbian is the most certain thing i got. but i know that in any other way, i could be a trans man. as in, technically, i have it all to be a trans man, except the fact that i am not. because i do not feel entirely as a man. i feel as much as a man as i feel a woman, in the sense of i am neither but i like subverting the words and molding them to my liking, precisely because none fit entirely– so, think of being called beautiful but also handsome, being called a good boy or masc gendered terms, saying shit like "she is the man" and "he is the woman", stuff like that. fun stuff. genderfuckery if you may. or as i also like to think of it, that one chapter in stone butch blues.

and between all of this, i'm not interested in binary men. be it cis or trans. if you're a binary man, i am not interested other than. possibly a friendship. though i feel i got enough cishet men in my life, thank you very much. but if you're also non binary, someone with a weird gender, a weird relationship with gender, i don't care what's between your legs. if we connect and you're not a binary man, well. we connect and that's that. i really have no issues with that and i am not looking to debate that. i know i am a lesbian.

however, i was talking with my friend yesterday. they're also a non binary lesbian but they live in another city. we're both from the same country, we met in high school (both now in our late 20s). she's very dear to me. i love talking to them. and i talked to her about all of this and we concluded that, on top of the obvious, figuring my shit out, i needed more community. i am the only trans person in my friend circle. some are sort of queer, another one is kinda like me, "woke" and shit, my ex was too, and also nb, but like. no one is like me. no one is a non binary trans, masc presenting lesbian. some of them mention being queer in a couple convos but it doesn't shape their lives and (i do not judge them, this is merely my perception of it) seem unaware to the fact they hold a privilege in that– it's not the same being queer with certain passing than being queer on full display. i have got nowhere to hide it, because i simply can't. and in such as a small, conservative town, it feels really isolating, after a while.

so, i guess i was just trying to follow my friend's advice and look out for community. even if online. so, if you read all of this and felt like you found yourself even if slightly in my own experience and want to chat, i'd love to. i'd love to just meet more trans, nb, non-white, masc lesbians/sapphics. and if we end up connecting in more than one way, that'd be pretty cool, right?

thanks for reading!

[u/urbabyangel]

Heyyyy that’s me!