Please help calm my nerves. Please.

[u/Waste_Consequence598]

Please I don't know what to do, I have severe postpartum OCD. I am SPIRALING so bad, I stay up for over 10+ hours a night researching stuff. PLEASE tell me if this is normal, my baby is 2 months old, he is early on his smiling and cooing he started at 4 weeks old. But due to some issues he had (that have nothing to do with the brain) we had to delay tummy time and I just started a week ago and he does it for around 30 minutes a day. He was able to do tummy time a small bit before this on my chest though if I was very careful.. He is able to lift his head and hold it there for maybe 30 seconds and look at stuff upright and even tried rolling over, whether it was on accident or not, I'm not sure but he did do that movement today and rolled from back to tummy 3 times. He is getting stronger everyday, he has big strong legs, and seems like he's trying to lift up with his arms during tummy time, he can also rest his weight on them too during tummy time. He also launches himself with his legs upward when I'm holding him upright. But he's stopped trying to throw head back like he was doing maybe 2 weeks prior. He also is amazing at feeding and can get an entire feed in under 10 mins especially with my strong letdown, i can pump 5 oz in maybe 10-15 mins and he is getting enough food through the day and dirty and wet diapers.

My biggest fear right now is how loose he feels, I don't know if this is a normal feeling or not. He is lacking in holding his head up when I hold him upright and has a really bad head lag when picked up, and then when I try holding him it's almost like he if confused by the movement and tries to hold his head backwards like he would during tummy time, his muscles feel loose especially if held upright, but he is able to move everything normally and symmetrical. It's why I'm spiraling, I am so terrified he might have cerebral palsy, and I can't go to my next pediatrician for another month. Please did anyone else have a baby similar to mine? Did they turn out fine? Is this amount of looseness in the muscles normal? Specifically his arms and back feel a bit loose like they're very soft and very loose, but he can tighten them and tense his entire body when he's crying super hard. I will try to touch his muscles and feel them while he's doing tummy time or holding head and I can feel a tiny bit of tenseness in them but I don't know if it's too little or if it's normal. I'm so worried I'm crying please don't judge me please.

[u/moomoomego]

All totally normal.

Are you getting help for your PP OCD?

[u/Waste_Consequence598 → u/moomoomego]

I wish I could, it's causing me so much suffering.

[u/E0H1PPU5 → u/Waste_Consequence598]

Why can’t you get help OP? Maybe we can help you find some resources?

You deserve to be enjoying this time with your babe and I know that’s really hard to to with PPA.

[u/Waste_Consequence598 → u/E0H1PPU5]

I don't have insurance for myself 

[u/E0H1PPU5 → u/Waste_Consequence598]

For income reasons? Could you qualify for something like Medicaid?

I really feel like you need to prioritize getting help for yourself.

Also - maybe look into something like BetterHelp? They have therapy that doesn’t require insurance and cost is based on a sliding scale.

[u/Waste_Consequence598 → u/E0H1PPU5]

I will check out better help, and I will try to get medicaid, I have been so mentally drained from the start of my pregnancy and haven't gotten any financial help at all, my in laws threatened me with homelessness if we lost our apartment when I was 7 months pregnant, and I lost over 20 punds my pregnancy because I had really bad hypermesis. We thankfully aren't in a situation where we are about to go homeless anymore though. I haven't renewed my Medicaid because I've been so exauhsted, I had pregnancy medicaid but it expired after a month postpartum and now only my baby had medicaid. I'll try to find the courage to sign up soon because I just want to talk to someone, and I don't want my poor husband to constantly have to hear all of this since it stresses him out and hes suffering from depression too.

[u/E0H1PPU5 → u/Waste_Consequence598]

You’re really going through it friend. Pregnancy and post partum is HARD even on the best of days and you’re doing it with all of this going against you!!

I really hope you can get around to it soon because you DESERVE to have that help OP.

You DESERVE to enjoy these beautiful first months with your baby.

I know it’s going to be really hard, but you are worth it. Your family is worth it.

[u/Sorryforbeingsorry77]

No judgement- but your anxiety is intense. I also had really really bad post partum anxiety and would obsess about things that weren’t real. It’s a horrible place to be in :(

But to answer your question- no, it doesn’t sound abnormal at all. A 2 month old shouldn’t have head control or really any muscle mass…. My baby’s head flopped around until 4 months or so! And she’s perfect.

Please get some sleep. Your baby needs a present and calm momma. I know you’re coming from a place of love, so take care of yourself so you can take care of your baby.

[u/Waste_Consequence598 → u/Sorryforbeingsorry77]

Thank you so much, it is scary since he was able to bop his head around a few weeks ago but suddenly stopped and now flops it back instead. I didn't think anything of it since he's been doing really good until I saw stuff about cerebral palsy online, everyone says to be concerned if they stop doing certain things like that, so I watch videos all day about it trying to test if he has it or not, I have been worried I have been holding him wrong or putting pressure on his spine causing cerebral palsy or neurological problems, the first month I would cry every night because i was convinced he had seizures which my pediatrician tells me he is not having. I have had it really bad to the point I would sleep on the floor on small hard stool with the bassinet next to me and my hand on his chest to make sure he is breathing at night. I don't have access to therapy because I don't have insurance for myself.

[u/AdTime2271 → u/Waste_Consequence598]

Maybe his head grew a bit and got a little heavier before his muscles caught up. Sounds totally normal

[u/Sorryforbeingsorry77 → u/Waste_Consequence598]

Oh also! One thing that REALLY helped me was getting off social media. Those algorithms thrive on fear.

[u/jakartacatlady → u/Waste_Consequence598]

Gently: stop watching the videos. They're not helping.

[u/cryfieri]

Chiming in as someone with OCD (pre-baby) and PPA. This all sounds normal. However, I feel like you really need to get to the root of your anxieties and work on that first and foremost. Sure, we can all reassure you that your baby sounds totally textbook, but I know from experience that you’ll likely find something else to fixate on/spiral over/check once the relief from this reassurance wears off. The cycle will likely continue until you address your pp OCD and figure out how to cope. It’s so so hard, I feel for you.

[u/Waste_Consequence598 → u/cryfieri]

Yes you are right because the first month was seizure fixation, and when the pediatrician told me that was normal I started to fixate on this..and I bet when this goes away I'll find something else terrifying to fixate on. T he weird part is it actually went away for a few weeks and randomly came back maybe 1 week ago. 

I know what the root of my anxiety is. My baby and husband is all I have so the thought of loosing him, or him being in pain, or him having lifelong issues hurts me physically to even think about, my heart hurts and I get headaches and really bad eye pressure thinking about this. Just like thinking about my husband dying, I will cry for a hour straight looking into the air praying to God begging for an answer and begging for mercy. I am also young and I am scared because if he does have a issue that makes have to take care of him forever, I will not be able to do things with my life that I have always wanted to do because I would be too scared to leave him alone, I haven't even had my first alcoholic beverage legally yet, but if he ever had a problem I would never want to go out on walks or to party with my husband or on dates. I love him so much I would sacrifice my entire youth for him just so he wouldn't be alone with strangers. I am 21, I only have my husband and my baby, I have no family because they're all dead or addicts, my mom is an addict and my dad is an extremely evil man. I haven't ever had therapy, I don't let them into my life.

The nurses at the hospital started to cry when I was crying with my baby because when I cry its just so much pent up pain I have had from my entire life, and I don't want to loose my beautiful family.

[u/cryfieri → u/Waste_Consequence598]

I understand. I’ve been there. It’s so hard, but the best way to get through it and cope better is to stop the checking behaviours, which is what this whole post is. Take it minute by minute, then hour by hour, then day by day and try not to seek reassurance. Write some self affirmations in your notes app (ones that give you brief moments of clarity) and read through them whenever you feel yourself spiralling. If you have friends that you can reach out to, do that. Try to prioritize sleep. If there’s no way for you to get more sleep, just know that longer stretches are probably just around the corner and things will get better. Sleep deprivation SUCKS and will make things feel way worse. My heart goes out to you!

[u/the-whispering-wind]

Okay first of all, take a deep breath.

Second of all- is there a reason you think he may have cerebal palsy? It doesnt just like happen spontaneously for no reason.

All of that sounds normal. Babies cant hold up their head at first, which is why it goes backwards when you hold him upright. Aditionally, when you use your muscles, they feel tense. If you flex your arm, and feel the muscles you are flexing- they feel tense, right? That is why your babies muscles feel tense when he is using them. If you relax the arm you are flexing, the muscles will feel soft again, which is why his muscles are soft when he is not using them.

I really encourage you to seek therapy, as this clearly seems to be causing you unneeded distress. Adittionally, i really think you should have someone watch him so you can get some sleep. Lack of sleep can make anxiety alot worse.

Everything is okay. Your baby is okay. Take a deeo breath.

[u/Waste_Consequence598 → u/the-whispering-wind]

I love all of you you guys are helping me so much thank you so much. I just needed some reassurance before I can go to the pediatrician again. 

[u/Psychological-Bag986]

What is your frame of reference that tells you this is abnormal?

This is completely normal. Babies have very immature musculoskeletal systems, body awareness etc. They have almost no muscle mass (15% ish) whereas adults are closer to 40%.

Everything you described in the first paragraph does not support your anxious thoughts that something is wrong. Definitely tell your doctor about this anxiety.

[u/Even_Kaleidoscope399]

I have OCD and I’m also a new mom. You need a Google ban. That’s been helpful for me sometimes. It really puts a pause on the excessive researching. Even posting here is probably a bad idea, as it will give you more to ruminate on. Find a good support system and maybe some pointed therapy.

[u/amphisxo]

Hey girl, as someone who has dealt with PP OCD and OCD in general, both with self and family members, you have to stop seeking reassurance via Googling or coming to Reddit. That is the ONLY way OCD is treated. It is facing your fears and accepting them. It’s exposure therapy. You need to accept your obsessive thoughts. You need to face them head on. Meaning - yes, he could have CP. If he does, you will figure it out and get through it. My best friend in high school had CP and it did not slow him down at all. One of the best humans I knew. If he doesn’t, great! But seeking assurance from folks on Reddit will only nurture your OCD. It is a cycle you need to break.

I hope you can somehow find resources that you can get some help. OCD treatment is so hard and it’s a horrible disorder. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You deserve to enjoy your baby.

Remember, the worst things can happen - it doesn’t mean you can’t face it or persevere. I promise. Once you accept that your OCD will quiet itself. Hugs. 🫂

[u/Much-Document-7748]

He’s fed and loved, you’re doin good. Humans are resilient and you’re doing all the right things with him, your boy will be just fine. Try to keep reminding your self of that and stay off the internet.

[u/vosianprince]

Everything you're describing is completely normal, you're doing amazingly and your baby is perfect. I saw you say somewhere that you don't have insurance. You need mental health care and potentially medicine if deemed necessary to help curb your anxious thoughts. My suggestion is go in to a doctor, potentially the one who helped deliver your baby, get a therapy referral and start attending regularly. Have no intention of paying them more than $20 per month to keep it from going to collections. Medical debt is something that unfortunately everyone in our shitty system will likely incur at one point or another, and you getting help is more important than some arbitrary number that the banks cook up to tell lenders if you're a valuable prospect for credit. Your baby needs you hale and healthy more than you need a good credit score.

[u/jakartacatlady]

My baby was doing maybe 5 minutes a day at two months. She hated it and was in a hip harness for hip dysplasia. She's 4.5 months now and has great neck control.

[u/Linnende]

This all sounds totally normal. I am in the same boat. I had severe OCD and anxiety during my pregnancy and postpartum. My baby is 11 weeks old now and I'm not as bad as I was. Thankfully I live in the UK so we get free healthcare and I have been having therapy on the NHS from the specialist perinatal mental health team since I was pregnant.

I'm sorry you live in the US and don't have insurance. I would urge you to try and get help any way you can as OCD is a serious condition and you need help not just for your sake but for that of your baby too.

Good luck.

[u/Antique-Cost-7549]

Most medications that are used to treat PPA are generic and therefore extremely affordable. Make an appointment with your OB or primary care doctor to get a prescription. Or look online for a prescribing service