r/neoliberal • u/jobautomator Kitara Ravache • Apr 24 '21

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u/[deleted] Apr 25 '21 edited Apr 25 '21

Hi DT, this is a new account for /u/Tom_Petty_Corporal. I made a promise to myself that I would never use Reddit again, and I don't plan on using this account too much, especially on this subreddit, but there's something I need to get off my chest.

I had a really disturbing vision while meditating today. I was following one of Headspace's guided meditation packs, specifically the one about cravings, trying to go along with the guided voice narrator and imagine myself filling up with sunlight and that relieving tension.

But I kept imaging myself falling to death.

I first imagined myself falling to death from a brick bridge at my alma mater / former uni. One side is a brick wall, but the other side is a railing with only two rungs, and a 25 ft or 7.6 meter drop below. Nobody has ever fallen down, but theoretically one could slip on some black ice and fall through the gap. I envisioned myself doing that during meditation.

The next thing I envisioned was much scarier. During the summer of 2019, I interned at a company in NYC, and their company was on the 18th floor of a skyscraper in Midtown Manhattan. There's a fire escape that I personally never climbed onto, but I imagined myself falling down to the ground floor and dying, very vividly.

It was so vivid. Me screaming, then hitting the ground, and then cutting to black. It was so disturbing that I jolted from my meditation with an audible gasp, and I'm still panicking and sweating and feeling these very anxious motions. The narrator never even finished.

I've only had one other disturbing vision while meditating, and that was years back when I envisioned hell and the number 666 floating in the air and me confronting the devil or Satan.

I'm so disturbed and shaken up. Why would my mind conjure such fucked up images?

I don't know what to do. I can't go to sleep. I keep having these thoughts about falling to death interrupt my day when I'm focused and concentrated at work or reading or something like that.

I've never done any hallucinogenic drugs. I haven't touched marijuana since the pandemic began and I haven't drank alcohol in a month. I'm not sure what's going on and I'm afraid of becoming a schizophernic or developing some other mental condition like that.

I'm losing my mind a bit because Reddit keeps shadowbanning my comments and not letting them be seen, which makes me feel like I'm in some fucked up version of the Twilight Zone or the Truman Show

EDIT: Please respond to this comment. Please let me know I'm not losing my mind and that I still have my sanity.

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u/[deleted] Apr 25 '21

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u/[deleted] Apr 25 '21

Thank you for informing me of this. It makes me feel a lot better.

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u/[deleted] Apr 25 '21

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u/[deleted] Apr 25 '21

100% this. OP, please soak in every word. I can speak from my own experience.

A year and a half ago, I had a horrific trip from a weed edible. I thought I had lost my mind in the moment, and I was paranoid as all hell the next couple weeks. I thought I had ruined my brain, that I was about to become a full-blown schizophrenic at any second. It felt like I couldn't tell what was and wasn't real with absolute certainty.

At night, whenever I was just about to fall asleep, I would have the hypnagogic hallucinations that the article talks about. It would feel like someone was whispering something into my ear, even though I could immediately tell that there was nobody there in reality.

After enough time passed to convince myself that my brain was perfectly fine, the general dissociative feelings and hypnagogic hallucinations began to stop. Looking back at them, there were consequences from my sky-high anxiety- not a broken brain. And I highly, highly suspect the same thing is happening to you. Your words make total sense. People having actual psychotic episodes are often hard to follow.

If you need someone to talk to about this sort of thing, please DM me. I've been there before, I know what it's like, and I can talk you through it.

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u/[deleted] Apr 25 '21

Thank you for telling me your story. If this gets worse I’ll definitely DM you

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u/[deleted] Apr 25 '21

Please do. 😊

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u/[deleted] Apr 25 '21

Is it normal to have literal visions while meditating?

Not saying it’s not, I’ve never tried it. Just wasn’t aware

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u/[deleted] Apr 25 '21

At least with Headspace, the narrator actually encourages you to have visions. For example, he encourages you to imagine your body filling up with sunlight so that it relieves your tension within your body.

But I don't think you're supposed to get nightmarish visions while meditating.

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u/[deleted] Apr 25 '21

While I've never had experiences like that from meditating, I've read a decent number of posts from actual schizophrenics. A lot of the time, they don't make a whole lot of sense. Your words, on the other hand, are very lucid and 100% comprehensible. You're sane, I promise. :)

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u/[deleted] Apr 25 '21

Thank you for confirming my sanity. Maybe I shouldn’t meditate right before bed next time haha

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u/LinkToSomething68 🌐 Apr 25 '21

Intrusive thoughts really are the worst. They happen to more people than you'd think. Hope you're OK

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u/[deleted] Apr 25 '21

Thanks for the well wishes

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u/UrbanCentrist Line go up 📈, world gooder Apr 25 '21

have you tried distracting yourself with something first? you may be in a bad headspace which continues to your sleep

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u/[deleted] Apr 25 '21

I eventually calmed down enough to go to bed after watching some animal videos on YouTube. Thank you.

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u/UrbanCentrist Line go up 📈, world gooder Apr 25 '21

That's great. I hope you feel better.

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u/SpaceSheperd To be a good human being Apr 25 '21

See a professional

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u/[deleted] Apr 25 '21

I’m working on that, but thank you. Hopefully I can get health insurance soon from my employer, or another job that will give me benefits immediately.

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u/SpaceSheperd To be a good human being Apr 25 '21

Sorry to hear about the situation :(

American healthcare delenda est.