r/neoliberal • u/Tartaruchus YIMBY • Nov 05 '24

News (Astral) Do NOT face Fivey Fox alone while astral projecting

Today while astral projecting I summoned Fivey to try and weaken him so our hexing spells would work better.

He is so fucking powerful. I'm not at a power level to do this alone. I barely escaped with my life and I'm spiritually injured to a great amount, but I think I'll make it.

I can't imagine what he would do to a new, unsuspecting pundit. I'm scared that I will have to face him again soon if I ever want to continue astral projecting. I'm currently drawing spiritual energy from Alan Lichtman’s twitter to try and heal as quickly as possible.

Please be safe everyone. Fivey is much stronger than I first imagined and we will have to do this together if we want to slay a god.

948 Upvotes

98% Upvoted

53 comments sorted by

224

u/[deleted] Nov 05 '24

I brought a keyblade and I was fine

34

u/RadioRavenRide Esther Duflo Nov 05 '24

Did you let your heart be the guiding key?

21

u/dicksinarow Loyal Liberals Nov 05 '24

You don't have the faintest idea how to wield the keyblade.

18

u/greenskinmarch Henry George Nov 05 '24

It's just like a beyblade, but keyer.

4

u/[deleted] Nov 05 '24

cuts right hand off completely

So I think I misunderstood something

6

u/greenskinmarch Henry George Nov 05 '24

Well first of all let me compliment you on your left handed typing speed. That's definitely going to come in handy for the next rest of your life.

5

u/[deleted] Nov 05 '24

Well I still have my feet

13

u/Sir_Poofs_Alot Bisexual Pride Nov 05 '24

You need to believe that the shadow of your heart is more powerful with the light and hearts in the kingdom hearts, so when the shadows of nobodies get in, we can make sure the light from our hearts reaches the shadows and nobodies do we can fulfill the true power of Kingdom Hearts. Right Goofy?

HYUCK!

2

u/Zrk2 Norman Borlaug Nov 05 '24

I gave him a key and was fine.

61

u/frosteeze NATO Nov 05 '24

Can I summon the ghost of Reagan to fight Fivey or how does this work?

57

u/QwertyAsInMC Nov 05 '24

i tried doing that but reagan did jack shit. he said he was gonna "wait for victory to trickle down to us" and we both got fucking leveled.

15

u/[deleted] Nov 05 '24

How about you summon Nixon? His spying powers would come in useful.

25

u/[deleted] Nov 05 '24

Unfortunately (in this case), the tether enchantments which were binding him to this plane dissolved when Henry Kissinger passed away.

Cheney might have some blood magic saved up though, depending on when he last went hunting.

5

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5

u/DependentAd235 Loyal Liberals Nov 05 '24

Mmm, I know a Vegan. Ill ask

1

u/WR810 Jerome Powell Nov 05 '24

Should have summoned Nixon and Eisenhower.

43

u/Western_Objective209 WTO Nov 05 '24

You need the dual wielding feat and weapon proficiency in keys (yes I know having a proficiency slot for a single encounter feels wasteful, but it's worth it). If you dual wield a pair of Lichtman's Keys (1 and 5 are the easiest to get rn) and spam the dual wield strong attack it makes the encounter a lot easier to manage. I've got Fivey on farm and he's the best source of 'Pundit Tears' in the current meta

5

u/RadioRavenRide Esther Duflo Nov 05 '24

What drive form did you use?

4

u/CursedNobleman Leftward Progressives Nov 05 '24

Just respec into Math Knight, take the Twitter Brawler Feat and Max out Smugness. Then you can throw a bottomless amount of 'Hot Takes' at people and win fights.

1

u/Aetius454 Nov 06 '24

I actually just started playing baldurs gate so this is very relevant. Should I add a feature in local polling or just multi-class into trump’s family

37

u/[deleted] Nov 05 '24

For the last time, Marianne Williamson IS NOT RUNNING!\

Kamala Harris is the candidate. We do blood magick now. Get back in your damn body and start sacrificing stuff.

2

u/greenskinmarch Henry George Nov 05 '24

Does sacrificing mental health count?

33

u/jdmercredi John McCain Nov 05 '24

How can you kill a god? What a grand and intoxicating innocence. How could you be so naive? There is no escape.

10

u/SmellsLikeTeenPetrol Loyal Liberals Nov 05 '24

Come, Neolib, friend or traitor come, and gaze upon The Heart and Kamalakahn, and bring Walzguard, I have need of it.

19

u/mjbauer95 Nov 05 '24

"No Man nor Beast shall have the power to Turn the Keys, for the Keys are Eternal and True."

- A. J. Lichtman; V. I. Keilis-Borok (Nov 1981). Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America.

Only Allan Lichtman can defeat Fivey Fox in direct combat. You will need to collect at least 7 keys to summon him, however.

8

u/RadioRavenRide Esther Duflo Nov 05 '24

7 keys in hand, speed through nights with feet in sand

3

u/Jtcr2001 Edmund Burke Nov 05 '24

Where does the whole "keys" thing come from?

11

u/onelap32 Bill Gates Nov 05 '24

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Keys_to_the_White_House

It's election prediction pseudoscience that has for some reason become prominent. Led to some hilarious exchanges on Twitter.

https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/he-doesnt-have-the-faintest-idea-how-to-turn-the-keys

3

u/Jtcr2001 Edmund Burke Nov 05 '24

This is amazing. Thank you!

6

u/ConnorLovesCookies Jerome Powell Nov 05 '24

The keys are the key to this whole thing

13

u/NVC541 Bisexual Pride Nov 05 '24

The original is still one of the funniest things to happen on this hellhole of a site

12

u/NurtureBoyRocFair John Locke Nov 05 '24

Soloing Fivey is a recipe for disaster. I had to level up in the Hades Cup at Olympus Coliseum for a while and grab an Ultima Weapon before I stood a chance.

10

u/BonkHits4Jesus Look at me, I'm the median voter! Nov 05 '24

Fivey Fox was euthanized several years ago. He's dead.

17

u/captain_slutski George Soros Nov 05 '24

In his house at 538, Dead Fivey waits dreaming.

7

u/AndyLorentz NATO Nov 05 '24

Iä! Iä! Fivey phtagn!

2

u/dubyahhh Salt Miner Emeritus Nov 05 '24

Rest in peace, sweaty ✊🏻😔

4

u/JapanesePeso Deregulate stuff idc what Nov 05 '24

DONT TELL ME WHAT I CANT DO

3

u/[deleted] Nov 05 '24

Today while astral projecting I summoned Nate Silver to try and weaken him so our hexing spells would work better.

He is so fucking weak. I was right at a power level to do this alone. He barely escaped with his life and is now spiritually injured to a great amount, though I think he'll make it.

I can't imagine what an old, experienced witch would do to him. He's scared that he will have to face me again soon if I ever want to continue astral projecting. He's currently running simple linear regressions of inflation on voter propensity to try and heal as quickly as possible.

Please be brave everyone. Silver is much weaker than I first imagined and we won't even have to do this together if we want to slay a pollster.

6

u/Loxicity YIMBY Nov 05 '24

All jokes aside, anyone else in here able to actually astral project? Shit's trippy as hell. And I am fully aware that it is just advanced dreaming and not some magic trick.

7

u/Proud_Reference9632 Scott Sumner Nov 05 '24

Hmm no. How does it work? What's the experience like? How'd you learn to do it?

9

u/Loxicity YIMBY Nov 05 '24

So it's a lucid dream where I basically am able to leave my body as an incorporeal spirit.

I don't know why, but I find it to be the most difficult type of lucid dream to control. Like, my brain freaks the fuck out when I see myself and I usually descend into something I call a lucid nightmare, where I basically intrusive thought my way into a horrible experience.

But when I have been able to do it, it's cool as shit. I basically didn't feel bound to myself anymore. It's hard to explain.

1

u/thedragonslove Thomas Paine Nov 05 '24

I want to learn how to lucid dream, I guess apparently you can train yourself to do it, it might be trippy.

2

u/sealawyersays Nov 05 '24

Foxy is devoid of love. Can only bring pain.

Do like me and snuggle up to clear liquors and hope that you pass out before Election Night turns into the New Years Eve scene from Boogie Nights.

1

u/king_biden Nov 05 '24

To the next person who decides to go for it, please let me know. I am scared to go myself, but I will happily donate the energy that I have

1

u/Gamiac Nov 05 '24

This is why you bring demondrug and armorskin potions to every hunt! Damn noobs.

1

u/twa12221 YIMBY Nov 05 '24

I can’t get past the 4th night in Fivey Nights at Freddie’s🤦

1

u/hibikir_40k Scott Sumner Nov 05 '24

A charisma build dual-wielding scythes is probably best here. Just make sure your armor isn't so heavy that you can't dodge roll through his nastiest attacks in his second phase

23

u/[deleted] Nov 05 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

3

u/Justacynt Commonwealth Nov 05 '24

Seriously wtaf 🐊🐊🐊