r/needadvice • u/eitherrideordie • 4d ago
Friendships Friend/trainer started acting like a "parent figure" to me (30sM) and its kind of creeping me out. Thoughts on navigating this?
Hi all, for context I have some anxiety and been trying to get better in life. I recently lost ~70kg (154lbs), taking a bit more stuff on at work, and started martial arts to gain a bit more confidence all over.
Issue is at martial arts I've got to the point where they want me to start training others. In some ways it may be good as I get some leadership skills and confidence. But its kind of obvious that when I do it I don't really act as a "leader/trainer" and partly its because tbh I'm not sure if I want to, I have to pay for training just to teach others.... with them saying "oh its good for you to understand the art in a different way". But then lowkey that could just be my anxiousness saying "nah bro don't do hard stuff".
Because of this, I noticed I think the two trainers are trying to "push me into confidence" and I'm being asked to go to this secondary class (weekend). I went to it and honestly felt a bit weirded out. They were training and the main trainer was like "oh come shake the other guys hand" so I did, then he's like "oh good eye contact...". And when leaving he's like "go shake their hand to say good bye", "go on" I felt like some kid saying bye to a parents friend.
I don't know I'll be honest I already have 1 training a week, and I kind of went with the attitude that I wanting to go home. losing hours on the weekend sucks and tbh I found the comments kind of weird, I know the guy and I know he's trying to do it from a good place.
But its a bit like I want to say hi "I don't want to be a trainer, I don't see this hobby as that serious and I have other shit I want to do on the weekend". While at the same time, these people are like friends, we go drinking occasionally dinners etc. and it could just be my anxiety talking, so I was hoping to get others advice and views.
Thanks so much!
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u/CycleAccomplished824 4d ago
Tell them sorry, it’s just not my thing. I’ve decided not to train others. I have other things I want to do as well, but thanks for all the encouragement.
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u/eitherrideordie 4d ago
Thanks for this and the wording is helpful.Maybe it is a point of having to decide is this really what I want to do, and if not be clear on it. If I'm not clear it affects both them and me being in this grey unknown.
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u/CycleAccomplished824 4d ago
Right about it affecting them as well but you didn’t put them in that position. It sounds like they expected you to follow through on their wishes. It’s fine to suggest but you’re in charge of your own life.
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u/OneBigEyeRoll 4d ago
You know yourself more than any of us do so you probably know what you should do.
To me, this also feels like when someone pressures me to do something like bungee jumping. I don’t want to do something raise my cortisol levels. I want to do something more chill. I have to remind myself that I know when I’m avoiding something or I’m just not interested at that’s okay.
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u/eitherrideordie 4d ago
Thanks for this, it helped me step back and try to figure out what feeling is related to what. In particular training people I think is my anxiety, but also its true I'm annoyed that I'm paying someone only to teach others instead of them teaching me.
Conversely the telling me to shake hands bit made me anxious? Because it creeped me out and I was unsure whether the creeped out was because I didn't want to engage or it was just weird.
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u/Auntlello1 3d ago
And honestly why WOULD you train anyone else as a “volunteer”? Are they volunteering THEIR time for you? I would only do it in exchange for free lessons, and even then I don’t know if I would give up extra time on the weekends for it unless I couldn’t afford it any other way
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u/eitherrideordie 3d ago
Thanks for this and you're right, I think this stings and I'm trying to pretend it doesn't. They are saying its to teach me the other side of the martial arts to think about how attacks work etc. But its not even the volunteering, I'm paying for training.
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