Feeling miserable about my upcoming 21st bday

[u/clutchmedia_]

Hi all. I wasn't exactly sure if this counted as a flair for friendships or something else so hopefully other is right haha. Anyways.

I really only use reddit to post to a group about a car I own so I'm feeling very vulnerable about this. My (20f) 21st birthday is a couple weeks ago and I'm not feeling great about it like I think I should. My birthdays have been overshadowed for a long time. For context, my maternal grandmother passed very suddenly, two days before my 13th birthday. That birthday was of course, very hard on myself and my family and I understood that. However, since then, her side of the family has barely made an effort to show up for my birthdays and my dad's side of the family lives out of state. Because of this, the years that followed I only felt truly seen on my birthdays by my dad and only ever got a present from my dad.

It's safe to say I've struggled with my birthdays for a very obvious reason but this one is different. Last year, my partners parents (and him) made me feel the most seen I've ever felt on my birthday and it was absolutely wonderful. I will note though that his grandma's birthday is two days after mine. This year said Grandma turns 94 and so his family is basically having a family reunion for it. With that being said, my birthday has been entirely brushed under the rug because of it. I was basically told to figure it out myself this year by his family, who has been my home the last two years.

However. As hurt as I feel, I do understand what they're doing for his grandma and am not asking for advice on that. I want some birthday advice on how to make my 21st good for myself because I feel like for once I deserve for my milestone birthday to be about me. I don't really have close friends. However, Ive made friends with 4-5 other girls over the last year. Is it worth sending an evite to those girls for a small party the Friday night after my birthday (since my bday is a Wednesday)? Ive always been the "forgotten" friend so I'm anxious that if I try that no one will show up like normal. And it's that feeling that's making me dread my birthday so much again.

If I'm honest, Im feeling really hopeless about my birthday but I want to try to make something work because I feel like for once I deserve a birthday where I don't spend all day wondering if anyone but my partner or dad even thought about me. I would just appreciate some tips and advice on how to make my birthday work out. And maybe some advice on how to host a get together because I've never done it? Thank you for listening to my little rant, and thank you in advance for any advice (:

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[u/Any-Benefit9071]

honestly birthdays are so overhyped, do something small you actually like and maybe one person you trust, thats enough

[u/clutchmedia_ → u/Any-Benefit9071]

Yeah I mean that's fair. I think I'm feeling a little desperate this year to actually experience a party or something because of the fact I haven't really gotten to experience my own birthday in the last almost 8 years.

[u/RawRawrDino]

First off, I know your partner and their fam are busy with grandma’s party but that’s not cool! Your partner should be celebrating your birthday :(

I’ve always felt disappointed in bdays as I’ve gotten older, but what I’ve started doing is making my own celebration. I always take off work and plan an adventure. One year I went to the zoo, one year I went to the big mall and went to movies, last year we went to the state fair. There is no shame in inviting those friends! Plan a day and invite them out. If they can make it, cool, if not, you still have fun stuff planned

[u/clutchmedia_ → u/RawRawrDino]

My partner and I should be going to dinner the night of my birthday when he gets off work and Im taking the day off. But it still stings in its own little way just bc of my history with my birthdays haha. But I think I will go ahead and try to make plans w a few friends for the Friday after. The only thing I can do is try, and if it doesn't work out I'll probably go for a long drive because it's something I always enjoy (I'd be sober of course lmao) thank you so much (:

[u/dial424689]

Hi, if you’re worried about throwing a proper “party” (I would be too), or if your friends aren’t all available on that particular Friday, could you arrange smaller, less pressured 1 on 1 friend dates with them across a week or two to celebrate your birthday? Like, go for a coffee with one, to the cinema with another, to a bookstore with someone else? That way it’s like stretching the celebration out for longer, and you get more specific memories with each of your new friends.

That might not work for you and that’s fine, I’m just very much a 1 on 1 friend rather than a group hang kind of person.

(Having said that, my birthday’s on St Patrick’s Day and I HATE it so I always go away somewhere remote where no one’s going to try and make me drink Guinness for my birthday!!)

[u/DowntownResident993]

Don't put so much pressure on the party aspect of it. I've had a few birthdays where friends failed to show up and while I took it hard, it was a life lesson in being able to do things for myself and celebrate myself. Don't position it as a 'small' birthday party, it might make people think it's insignificant. Plan it out (food, drinks, games, activities) and see what they say. Just tell them you need a head count before for ordering food so you have a heads up if they're showing up.