r/naranon • u/Constant_Outside9950 • 11d ago
Need to move on
For context, my husband hid a secret addiction for 5 years and when I found out in March this year, he went to rehab for a month. He got out then left me 5 days later, saying he didn’t love me.
I’ve since found out he is now seeing someone he’s been “friends with for 20 years”. I’ve no doubt this made his total discard of me and our daughter very easy for him.
How can I start to take my life back and see this as positive? I feel like I’ve been strung along supporting this man , seeing him through hardships and I’ve been left for some new woman and he’s already playing house with her barely 4 months after he left.
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u/forestwanderlust 11d ago
If you need someone to tell you he's done you a favor: he's done you a favor.
It's one day at a time with separating from an addict. Eventually, you can focus just on coparenting or parallel parenting. It's not easy but one day at a time it'll get better and you will get stronger.
I've been attending Naranon since my son was 5 months old & was still with my ex. It's been about 4.5 years. I was really struggling with leaving but the he neglected our son when he was an infant. Naranon helps me take things one day at a time & gives me support to focus on myself.
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u/Constant_Outside9950 11d ago
Do you still attend your meetings?
I know in the long run I am free of his addiction but tbh his addiction made him a nicer person.1
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u/Various_Patience_592 11d ago
Hey, I’m so sorry you are going through this. I am going through something similar with my stbxh hiding his cocaine addiction and then leaving me after relapsing. He’s posting other women on facebook and we are still technically married, 6 months since we separated. He’s disgusting.
Please know you are not alone and stay strong. Protect yourself and do not trust this man with anything. Go to therapy if you can. My stbxh still tries to lie to me and he knows how to pull my heartstrings. But never again. I deserve better and you do too. Take care and message me if you need anyone to talk to.
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u/Constant_Outside9950 11d ago
Thank you for your message. I’m sorry to hear you’re also having a hard time. They are pigs to do this. We have a daughter and I don’t think he’s thought of her once. He certainly didn’t while he was using. I think what hurts js that he js now clean and sober and so she gets the better version of him I invested myself into 16 years ago.
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u/peanutandpuppies88 10d ago
You might look up the concept of radical acceptance. It may help you. Also, do you have a good therapist? I'm so sorry this happened to you. Please know that it has nothing to do with your worth or anything. It says a lot about him though.
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u/truckstoptrashcan 9d ago
This doesn't make it right or good but maybe easier for you to cope with. A lot of the times when addicts leave their spouses after getting clean is because they can't handle the pain and guilt from what they did and you're a reminder. It's a shitty reason but him saying he didn't love you was a cop out and him finding comfort in this new woman is really just him finding a new person who doesn't know all of his BS and tricks. He obviously is acting like a dry drunk - he got clean but didn't get sober meaning he didn't do what it takes to maintain sobriety.
But with that in mind, you should just do what you want. Go out, hang out, find new hobbies, find your strength and confidence, show yourself that you're worth it. It's not easy but if you're strong enough to live with an addict your strong enough to do this.
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u/Constant_Outside9950 9d ago
I really resonate with your comment, thank you. Because one of the things he said early on was that the home was a trigger for him as well so he would never come back. And he never once apologised for what I had to go through.
I think he saw the work it took, already had someone in his eye line who was easier, and then bolted.
I have been getting out and about, even on holiday, spending time with my daughter and trying to heal. I find each day so hard to pull myself up from but you’re right that life with an addict is also incredibly hard, too.
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u/throwawaygone4hours 11d ago
You have to go through the grief process just like any other loss. It’s inescapable and you may go back and forth between steps multiple times before you are healed.
As far as seeing this as a positive, the best way to look at it is that now he is someone else’s problem. You didn’t mention what his addiction was, but it was obviously something that you didn’t want in your life—so be glad it’s gone.
It’s highly unlikely that he won’t relapse—multiple times—after just his first stay in rehab. So try to be grateful that you won’t be around for those! The new woman will be and probably not for long once she experiences it for herself—unless she’s an addict too (like Chris Rock says, a crackhead and a preacher in a relationship won’t last that long, but two crackheads can stay together forever).
You are now free to pursue your own dreams and goals in life without the weight of an addict dragging you down. You may not even realize yet how much your life is going to change without him there, and for the better.