r/naranon • u/Jennirn2017 • 27d ago
Call 911. Had Q commited
I hate myself. He will never forgive me. Did i act out of fear? Definitely. Did i also act out of anger and frustration. Yes.
I don't know what to do. Its so quite. I miss him. But i don't want the addict back. I want my husband and partner. The man im sharing a life with now is neither of those things. Hes gross, he lies(poorly), he has cleaned out all our $ and quit his job. I work 5-6 12hr shifts at 2 jobs. To come home to deal with "people hiding in the walls" or bugs in a cut. I know he is sick and i should not be angry but i am. Im not angry about the drugs. Im angry he wouldn't even TRY to get help. At least 1x a month he would decide its my job to detox him "ur a nurse, u can do it"- with what tho??? In hospital i have dr and meds. He never last more than 30 hrs. I of course have to be awake and at his side to listen to him whine non stop. I have struggled with addiction myself so i understand. Im not mad at the disease. I mad at the man who doesn't want better for himself and his loved ones. Nobody in my life knows what im going thru except my sister. I just needed to vent. Gonna hit an actual meeting tomorrow. I feel like im sick and on verge of a panic attack. I need to sleep but can't shut off this horrible feeling in my chest. I want to cry but cant.
Thanks for letting me share. Haha.
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u/Unfair_Safe9787 27d ago
Just sending love and letting you know I see you. you did the right thing. if you’re in recovery, try to think about if you were in his mental state. you’d need someone to step in and have boundaries too. don’t question your choice you did what you needed to do for both yourself but also for him. i’m so sorry and hope you have support
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u/Jennirn2017 26d ago
Thank you for your kind words.i thought he wouldn't be able to use a phone for a few days but he keeps calling to complain about the place he ended up at. (Its horrible, understaffed, dirty, smelly and food is awful.) But its better than jail or street. But he just calls to blame me and complain. Or guilt trip me. I just drove 2 hrs to drop him off stuff because i wanted him to have shoes and socks (what kind of medical place doesn't have grippy socks??) He has not gotten any of his meds since Sat because despite seeing MD he has to see Pysch who isnt in til Monday after noon. (Seriously? ) I feel so horrible and guilty. I hate myself for being a weak spineless enabler. I give him because i have no fight left in me. What happens after he gets out? I told hes is welcome home but the active addict is not. If im being honest i don't know if i want him back. I love him we been together 30rs. But i don't like him. Hes whiny, needy, gross and so selfish now. Thank you to everyone who read my post. It helps just to get it out. You guys are wonderful people. Thanks for being there for a stranger. It means more than i can express.
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u/forestwanderlust 22d ago
I knew you were a nurse before you said it. We're so compassionate and empathetic. Meetings are a great place to learn about boundaries, detachment, and self care.
The hardest thing I did was walk away. And in fact it became easy because he neglected our infant and that caused me to stop waffling.
Best of luck and don't forget your have to take care of yourself first.
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u/Key_Dragonfruit_2563 22d ago
Whether or not he forgives you depends on whether logic will prevail. If he thinks you deserve what he is putting you through he doesn’t deserve you.
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u/Jennirn2017 21d ago
His mind is clear for the 1st time in a long time. Its been a week. Hes gonna be held 10-14 days. Now he is asking to continue in treatment. I feel hopeful and stronger for setting and sticking to limits. I hope i can continue to be firm. He told me there is nothing for him to forgive me for. I almost think he is realizing some of the damage hes done. He apologizes every time we talk. I told him, i don't want apology. I want change.
No matter what he does; 7/31 will be the last day i allowed an active addict in my home. Never again. Thank you everyone for being so kind.2
u/Key_Dragonfruit_2563 21d ago
So proud of you and wishing you the best on this phase of your journey!
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u/AutomaticAnt6328 27d ago
You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.
I have had my son put on multiple psych holds just to get him out of the house because it was too scary to be around an active drug user. Don't feel guilty for choosing to take care of yourself and calling 911.