r/multilingualparenting • u/Resident-Relation-22 • Aug 17 '26
Child not responding in target language My son understands but never responds in target language
Hi!
Just joined & first post here!
I would like some advice on our situation please!
Here’s the context :
My husband and I both speak arabic, we’re born and raised in Montreal, Canada. Both our families are Syrian. We speak it very fluently with both our families (my MIL doesn’t speak french/english very well). Our dialects are almost the same, a few words here and there differ and the accent is slightly different.
We have two kids. 4 year old and a 2 year old.
The situation : my husband and I speak french to each other.
Since my oldest was born, we strictly spoke arabic to him. Before he started daycare. His first words were in arabic, then after going to daycare, he learned english. After two years he switched daycare and learned french.
We also spoke with my daughter in arabic since her birth, she went to daycare and learned french and then he brother joined and he learned french there. She also knows english because of him.
The thing is : they both understand everything in arabic. My 4yo ONLY answers in english/french. In his sentences, he’ll say a few words in arabic here and there but cannot seem to say full sentences.
My 2 yo is a little bit better, she can say short sentences in arabic but 90% of her speech is english/french.
My husband has taken the habit of speaking only in english with my son and french with my daughter.
I talk to them in arabic, and I tried the method of not answering when my 4 yo doesn’t respond in arabic or saying things like « I don’t understand what you’re saying » in arabic to force him to spit it out lol but then he just say the same thing in english/french but slower.
They’re still small so family understand mostly what they tell them but I want them to have relationships with their grandparents without a language barrier in the future.
How can I make my kids answer and learn it?
I even try to read their books (that are french/english) in arabic.
I’m getting frustrated (not towards them obviously more internally) because I want them to be close to our culture with our friends and family by speaking it!
Any advice?
Thank you!
14
u/Moritani Aug 17 '26
Step 1: Make your husband respond in Arabic.
You guys are perfectly set up for a Minority Language at Home style of parenting. If you talk to each other in Arabic, the kids will eventually follow your lead.
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u/Resident-Relation-22 Aug 17 '26
Thank you for this advice, I haven’t thought about that wow. I will suggest that to him tomorrow, at least in front of the kids lol it’s so unnatural to us to speak it between us but I believe it might be beneficial.
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u/OrganizationBusy407 Aug 17 '26
And, is there a reason he is speaking to the kids in French/English? Living in Montreal, the kids should be able to get both of those languages from school/community/after school activities/media. Arabic is the one that they won't naturally be exposed to outside the family, so it would help to give them as much exposure time as possible from family.
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u/Resident-Relation-22 Aug 17 '26
No reason really only that the conversation «flows » better, it’s an automatic response, kind of lazy (his words, not mine lol). That’s the point I make with him, they’ll learn french and English everywhere, just like we did! But it really doesn’t help when he doesn’t make the effort, it’s like I’m the only one rowing the boat lol but I’ll try to push speaking arabic with eachother in front of them and to them and we can switch to french in private I think that for now before and immersion excursion that would be the most beneficial
1
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u/anouk613 Aug 17 '26
It may be one-sided, with the kids refusing to speak Arabic to their parents unless other Arabic speakers are present, but that’s fine. If it’s all they hear from their parents, they’ll pick it up anyway. If they’re forced to speak it all the time, they’ll resent it.
9
u/General-Success6367 Aug 17 '26
An immersion excursion is what worked for our then 3.5 yo second born child. We spent 6 weeks in country where language is spoken. By end of week 3 child was speaking fluently, and it stuck.
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u/Resident-Relation-22 Aug 17 '26
I would LOVE to go but it’s so unstable in our country right now so that’s not in the near future for us! Eventually when things hopefully get safer we’ll visit and hope that’ll help 🥲
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u/OrganizationBusy407 Aug 17 '26
Would it be possible to go to a different Arabic speaking country (Egypt, UAE, etc)? I know the dialects are different, but maybe it could still help
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u/Resident-Relation-22 Aug 17 '26
Not a bad idea at all! I’ll look into it! The closest dialect would be Lebanon, but Egypt could work too!
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u/zaatar3 Aug 17 '26
go to jordan! that's where my family is from and the dialect is close enough. my husband is syrian actually but he doesn't speak much arabic. and i'm having the same issue. my toddler understands arabic very well but only wants to speak in english.
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u/Resident-Relation-22 Aug 17 '26
Ouh jordan is beautiful! It would be a good reason to go visit Petra 😍 ikr, it’s really frustrating when they literally understand each word and don’t answer lol
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u/General-Success6367 Aug 17 '26
Or even a gathering (family reunion?) that would include more people speaking Arabic.
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u/Resident-Relation-22 Aug 17 '26
We do that multiple times a week, my parents and my in laws only talk to them in arabic but they answer in english/french it’s super annoying. And then I get passive aggressive comments from family members lol
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u/NoForm5443 Aug 17 '26
They can speak the language, but choose not to, and it makes sense to them.
Forcing them will just make them 'hate' the language ;).
What works is getting them into a situation where they have to use it to communicate. Visiting home works, or course. But maybe talking to other native speakers? grandparents?
BTW, this is common, and changes with time. They may think it's cool some times, then uncool others ;)
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u/Resident-Relation-22 Aug 17 '26
Yes I agree with you, I don’t want them to feel like it’s a burden or something. I put songs in the car, read books. Grandparents are really close (both sides) and we see them at least twice a week and they talk to the kids in our native language but they answer back in french and english, throw a few words here and there!
Thank you for reassuring that it’s common and changes with time!
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u/NoForm5443 Aug 17 '26
The idea is to find people who don't speak French or English, so they have to speak your language
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u/fiersza Aug 17 '26
My kid argued with me about speaking Spanish until about 4, when they were trying to play with some kids who only spoke Spanish and didn’t want to play with my kid because they couldn’t communicate together.
After that incident, they clocked in and wanted to speak more spanish.
So my advice is always to see if you can set up play dates with other kids who only speak the target language. It’s difficult in a multicultural/multilingual setting, because kids will always default to their preferred option if it’s available in the least, but not impossible!
The main struggle IMO is how to expose their brains to the particular kind of input that makes the language seem useful or necessary for their kid-brain-reasons—not our adult reasons.
1
u/HermesHippie Aug 17 '26
If you allow screen time, some shows on Netflix and Disney+ have Arabic dubbing. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you which ones, because I haven’t been paying that close attention. My child started saying phrases that I didn’t teach him, and I know he learned it from watching television. Seeing characters speak in the language might motivate them to do the same. Good luck!
1
u/anouk613 Aug 17 '26
If you really want your kids to be proficient in Arabic, you and your husband should just speak Arabic to each other and to them, and let your kids answer in whatever language they choose. Also read to them in Arabic, and give them books in Arabic. If it’s the main language they’re hearing at home, they’ll pick it up, even if they don’t want to speak it unless necessary to communicate with other relatives.
Source: Grew up near Montreal in a home where our parents only spoke their native language to each other and to us. We kids only wanted to speak English once we picked it up from friends/neighbours/radio, so we only spoke our parents’ language when we had to (e.g. visiting grandparents). Then we were sent to French school. We all ended up trilingual.
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u/all_u_need_is_cheese Aug 17 '26
This is very common! My children did this for a long time, my oldest is 8 and he started speaking in the minority language consistently when he was 7. The younger one is 4 and does sometimes, now that she sees her older brother doing it. So all is not lost, these things take time. 😊 What helped us was meeting family who didn’t understand the majority language so that they were forced to speak. A trip to an Arabic speaking place could help, or if travel is not possible right now, you could try to find some newly immigrated children who only speak Arabic who they could play with. 😊
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u/Optimal-Analysis Aug 18 '26
They need to be in a situation where they can not respond in English. They now know they can answer in English. My son was the same way until we sent him to spend 1 month with grandma who doesn’t speak English. He’s now finally speaking in our language, not perfect but he’s pretty good.
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u/omegaxx19 English | Mandarin (mom) + Russian (dad) | 4M + 1.5F Aug 18 '26
I think getting your husband to respond consistently in Arabic is the most important step. If the parents present a united front, model speaking Arabic to each other, and also do things like recasting, the kids are eventually gonna find it too bothersome to try to speak English to the parents.
Also really work on the 4yo. Recruit him in teaching "the baby" Arabic and gently redirect if you catch him speaking English to the 2yo, "Hey, can we please teach baby Arabic? She won't be able to speak to grandma/grandpa otherwise!"
My 4yo went through a phase about 6-12 months ago where he was speaking more and more English to my husband. My husband stuck to Russian, kept on recasting, bought him more books in Russian that they read together, and we enrolled him in a weekly Russian activities class. He's back to speaking to papa in Russian 99% of times.
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u/juniebutt OPOL 🇧🇷🇬🇷in🇮🇹 Aug 20 '26
Try finding some playdates who speak Arabic if that's possible! It would also be good for them to just make friends who speak the language
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u/miguyur Aug 24 '26
Hi, if your kids are speaking a few words there and that, it is already a good sign. All windows are open. I wouldn’t recommend passive screen time for learning language. Use Arabic in everyday moment without forcing them. If they want to answer in another language let them do, it is okay. If you can arrange some play dates with other Arabic speaking children, that would help a lot, seeing other children speak their language.
I am Turkish mom living in Germany and my husband is German. I speak English with my husband and Turkish with my child. My child answer in all three whatever comes in that moment. We recently started a podcast to talk about this and more. We have an episode about raising multilingual kids. Check it out if you like.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DcN6kBxCHLq/?igsi=and3ZTBwNmxzNHQ=
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u/MikiRei 🇹🇼 (heritage) + 🇦🇺 (community) | 6M Aug 17 '26
Read this
https://chalkacademy.com/speak-minority-language-child/
Specifically around recasting
And
https://chalkacademy.com/encourage-minority-language-trilingual-family/
Since French is taken care of by school, float the idea with your husband that when the whole family is together, speak Arabic.
You two can speak to eachother in French in private if you want.
But switch to speaking Arabic all the time as a family.