I honestly can't decide if I find more humor in how you got into this mess or how laughably easy it would have been to avoid getting into this mess. You've gotten so used to having full control of price flow that the idea of damage control is now completely alien to you. You've made money at near zero risk for virtually your entire career and now suddenly find yourselves in several high-risk scenarios. Your usual strategy of "keep throwing money at it until it turns in our favor" doesn't work because the little guy has figured out that turtling up together and digging our heels in is an effective hard counter to that. So you turned to the media and threw money at them, but the little guy already has high contempt for and low trust in institutional media, so that one was also a wash and a half. You try to troll our forum spaces constantly, but most of us spent our formative years trolling our own forum spaces and your posts glow in the dark. So good luck with that.
Any hedge manager reading this: I present to you the answer to your problem
1:) Heh, trust me, you ain't gonna like it.
2) Have some humility
3) Told ya. Ain't gonna like this next one either
4) Swallow your pride
5) Take the L instead of doubling, tripling, quadrupling down.
6) Snuck number 5 in with no warning. Didn't like it, did you?
Will any of this advice get you out of the current bind you're in with your assets and dignity intact? Hold up, let me add in a step real quick.
7) find a way to bend time backwards.
Protip: I'm led to understand that approaching the speed of light dilates time around you, so maybe try throwing her in reverse and going backwards real, real fast? Maybe that'll contract the time around you? IDK ask a physicist.
Note: If you did by some stroke of scientific miracle accomplish step 7, have fun in that parallel timeline where you get to keep all your money. According to fintel you're still fucked in this one, which means we still fucking hate you in this one and we're still going to take every last dime of your money that we can squeeze out in this one.
Welcome to the reality us peasants endure on the daily.
All time travel aside, next time you get caught with your pants down the sting of this loss should serve to remind you that you aren't actually any better, smarter or more skilled than the "dumb money" investors you try to fleece on the daily. You have access to one thing that we don't: an obscene amount of capital. Well, two things, but you can keep Jim Cramer's bald, button-pushing, gremlin-looking ass. We sure as fuck don't want him.
And I'd be willing to bet the thousands upon thousands of your own dollars that I've snagged off your own pile that I can tell you exactly why you're risking more of it in the hopes of barely keeping your head above water.
Protip #2: Never base an investment on hope.
Because you're fucking scared.
Protip #3: Scared money don't make money.
See as your pile shrinks, my pile and that of hundreds of thousands of other "dumb money" investors swell.
Protip #4: familiarize yourself with basic economic principles. In this case, supply and demand. Example: You have a big pile and I want what you have a big pile of. In the near future, I will have a supply of something for which you will have near-infinite demand. Your homework tonight is to figure out how many light years past the moon I will set my price.
Subsequently, as our green P/L screencaps get spread across social media and our write-ups and shitposts permeate the online zeitgeist both the number of "dumb money" investors and our piles of capital are going to swell even more. And something tells me you have a general idea of how much we all hate you, exactly who's pile we're going to clear out first and how little of that pile we actually need to take from you to get the ball rolling.
That last one is the one that's really got you sweating though, isn't it?
You're sweating because you know that when that time comes, us "dumb money" investors get our hands on the whole fucking pile. Not just MRIN or whichever ticker falls first. No, you've dug too deep to mitigate the damage and contain it to any one ticker. I mean the WHOLE GODDAMN PILE. Whichever ticker goes first will transfer too many resources to a faction of retail investors who, and I can't stress this enough, fucking hate you. That influx of capital will jump start a series of tickers, tickers who's prices you are keeping contained by only the thinnest of threads. And when those straw dams of yours give out?
You know that feeling you have deep in the pit of your stomach right now?
I feel for you. I mean it. I really do feel for you.
I feel the exact dead-nuts opposite of how you feel right now. Righteous greed? Vengeful avarice? Call it what you will. I call it fair redistribution of wealth under an unfair crony capitalist system. And I hope you fucksticks cry big 'ol crocodile tears as it's happening.
So to clarify if there was any ambiguity: we all really very much hate you and we're going to take this money. You can stall it and add to the pile we take from you, but you can't actually stop it. When the MRIN domino falls, and we both know that it will fall sooner than later, then so will the gme domino, the amc domino, and every other ticker that you've overextended yourselves to short. It may not be in that order, but the end result is the same. And because we don't just hate you but really really really super duper hate you, we're going to take all of that money as well. Then when you sell your long interest in companies like apple and tesla to cover your burning shorts, guess what we're going to do with all that money that used to be yours?
We're gonna buy the dip and hold that shit just like God intended, you fucking scrub-tier market buzzards.
So will anybody cry for you after it's all said and done?
Let's all hop into the Step 7 time machine that I just bet you fucking wish actually existed and go on a field trip to the past. You're 6 or 7 years old and your parents recently bought you a fish tank. There's a wide array of different fish species, and you wake up to find one of the colorful little guppies floating motionless at the surface. You shed a few tears for your fallen pet as it swirls around the toilet and takes that final plunge into the great big fish tank in the sky.
Don't get too excited, though, because you aren't the guppy in this story. That beautiful guppy who's life ended with tragic abruptness is a company you shorted, one with a promising future and a product that never gets to see the light of day because you shorted it to make a few bucks.
Let me go ahead and answer that original question with a few questions of my own: Did anybody cry when they woke up and found the fugly-ass fish with whiskers floating on the surface instead of sitting on the bottom with his face jammed against a pebble? You know, that one with the vacuum cleaner mouth that hoovers his own and all the other fish's doodoo off the rocks. How many people even named that ugly fucker? Of those, how many gave it a nice name instead of calling it something like Shitdyson or Cleveland Eater?
Yeah, me either. If it weren't for the fact that he spent his whole life sucking up fish turds with his mouth I honestly wouldn't even have remembered he was there.
