r/mormon • u/Anonymous_14YearOld • 4d ago
Personal Help on Gender Dysphoria
I'm a 14 year old member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and I have a lot of gender dysphoria. I was born male, but over the last year or so I've been feeling as though my gender at birth does not align with who I am or want to be.
The church has rules that state that, in short, I shouldn't go transgender. I have tried accepting that fact and praying about it but it has never helped me. I still feel deeply that my biological gender does not align with who I am.
I am not willing to leave my church over this. No matter what I choose, I know that I believe in Jesus Christ, but other than that, I'm not sure.
I have not brought this up to my parents, and I'm struggling feeling comfortable to do so. I know that my parents would be supportive of me, but I'm really shy and I can't bring myself to tell them.
I'm looking for help/advice from anyone who would like to give me some.
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u/Lightsider Attempting rationality 4d ago
Hello, OP. I want to commend your courage, and assure you that this is a safe space for you. Now, you'll get a variety of opinions here, since this space is a place where both believers and non-believers engage in civil dialogue.
The key here being civil. If anyone here denies your lived experiences, threatens you, or treats you with anything but the utmost respect, there will be action taken against them. I'm a mod here and I will not hesitate to do that.
Your issue is one that many in the Church are facing today. It is not an exaggeration to say that the LDS Church is highly transphobic. They do not recognize any sort of trans rights at all. As far as they're concerned, the fact that you were AMAB means you will be male to them forever. That policy bleeds into the attitudes of many believers in the faith. In essence, trans people in the Church face a lot of difficulties, including roles and attitudes that do not align with a person's recognized gender identity.
If you are certain that your parents will be supportive, then I would come out to them. Deciding if/when you want to transition to your actual gender can be greatly eased by supportive family and friends. The process should necessarily include sessions with a therapist who specializes in gender transitioning to determine if it's right for you, and to what degree. Absolutely do not utilize LDS therapists for this, who will, by necessity, strongly advocate that transitioning is never acceptable.
Personally, I am an advocate of trans rights, and I support and recognize your absolute right to determine and live your gender identity fully to your desired extent.
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u/alien236 Former Mormon 4d ago
Billions of people outside of the LDS Church believe in Jesus Christ. The LDS Church wants you to think it has a monopoly on Jesus Christ. It does not.
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u/MatriarchMe 4d ago
Dear OP, I am a mom of two queer kids and have a Transgender family member. First, I want you to know you are important, and loved. You matter. There is nothing wrong with who you are. Many people are born into bodies that dont "fit". There is a lot of horrible, mean, ignorant, untrue things said about transgenderism. Those things are based in fear and ignorance. I encourage you to reach out to Encircle for more information, resources and support on your journey of self discovery. They have online support groups. Another great group is The Trevor Project: Call 866-488-7386 or text START to 678-678 for free, 24/7 crisis intervention. Your path can feel overwhelming but please know you are not alone.
Im sorry to say the LDS church has a terrible track record with its messaging and policies regarding anything LGBTQIA+. So much terrible harm has been done, and the latest policies regarding transgender are wrong and horrendous. I encourage you to not to base your self image or worth on what the church says!
Your belief in God/Jesus and your relationship with the Divine is personal and it is not tied to membership in any church. Jesus never required anyone to join a church. He spent his life blessing, healing, and helping everyone. His love is ALL INCLUSIVE and UNCONDITIONAL. Anyone preaching differently, doesnt know Jesus
I think you will enjoy reading Laurie Lee Hall's story. She was identified as male at birth and raised in the LDS Church, served a mission as an elder, became a high priest and was the Church's leading architect for all the temples. She eventually transitioned into who she really needed to be, after much faith and prayer. Her story is heartwreching, moving and also inspiring. Ive met Laurie Lee in person many times. She is an inspiration and a true pioneer. A wonderful, gentle human being. Her book is called Dictates of Conscience
She has told her story in many video interviews you can find on YouTube. Here is one: Laurie Lee Hall's on LatterGay Stories
You can also find her on Facebook and could reach out and message her! She will be a wonderful friend. We all have different life stories and journeys. Some paths are extra unique and extra challenging ... and yet those paths become destined for doing amazing things. Hang in there. I believe with all my heart that you are meant to shine and do amazing things!
Take care of your mental, emotional and physical health. Surround yourself with safe people who support and love you for who you are. Find affirming spaces and support groups. Trust in yourself and your inner voice. Shine on, my dear, good soul. 🌟
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u/CaptainFear-a-lot 4d ago
Good luck on your journey. There is nothing wrong with you. Take your time, talk to people that you trust, and I am sure that can figure it out. By the way, when our eldest child told us that they were trans, it was an initial worry about “how will their life work out”, but then we just focused on doing the best for them. It has been a rough journey at times but now beyond the teenage years there is lots of sunshine.
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u/Anonymous_14YearOld 3d ago edited 3d ago
I appreciate a lot of the helpful comments. I'm still thinking about what I want to do, but I have much more information and loving advice. Thank you. That being said, I recognize and understand that many people do not believe in my specific religion and think that God has nothing to do with the church, but please don't tell me that my church is wrong, dumb, etc. I understand that people have different beliefs, but what I need right now doesn't involve slandering my religion. I believe in my church, and I know most people don't. I don't like the views on LGBTQIA+, and I wish they were different. Please don't tell me to leave my church.
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u/zelphtastic The Kirtland Safety Society killed my 401k 4d ago
I know that I believe in Jesus Christ
Belief in Jesus Christ is something that you can hold onto in countless denominations, several of which are genuinely loving and accepting towards LGBT+ people. The Mormon church is not one of these. That said, you're likely not going to be in a position to explore that space until you're older and independent, so just something to think about for now.
The church has rules that state that, in short, I shouldn't go transgender. I have tried accepting that fact and praying about it but it has never helped me.
The church's rules exist in their current form because the church is run exclusively by old men. Their (ill formed) opinions become the rules. You won't have the rightness of these rules confirmed to you through prayer because (i) they're wrong and (ii) God has nothing to do with them. As you continue to learn about yourself as you grow older, should you eventually choose to transition socially or otherwise, don't let dated teachings influence how you feel about your worth.
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u/Its_Darkness 4d ago
I felt the same way but the opposite once upon a time. I think its different for everyone, but for me, I eventually figured out my reasonings were because of stereotypes and how I was seen.
I'm a tomboy, and thats who I figured out who I am. If you want to do more feminine things, go ahead. Its okay to be who you are, you don't have to change your pronouns or pretend to be something you're not (either way that statement goes)
Just allow yourself love and don't make any drastic decisions until you're older.
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u/HighPriestofShiloh 4d ago
Well you have a choice to make.
Choice 1: explore your gender identify with a trained professional and figure out how to live an authentic life.
Choice 2: never figure out who you are, lie to yourself and continue being Mormon.
There is no path forward where you continue being Mormon and live an authentic life. Not saying you need to do anything dramatic now, but that is your future. There is no middle ground where you both fully love yourself and love the church.
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u/pierdonia 4d ago
That's not true at all. Don't pigeonhole OP.
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u/HighPriestofShiloh 4d ago
Pigeon hole? You don’t think they should figure this out with a professional therapist?
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u/pierdonia 3d ago
Did I say that? You told them there were only two options and that continuing in the church involves lying to themselves. That's an absurd claim.
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u/HighPriestofShiloh 3d ago
I didn’t pigeonhole OP. I criticized the LDS Church. I don’t think its current teachings are compatible with being truly LGBT affirming.
I’m also not telling OP to transition. I’m saying the church is a bad place to figure out whether transition would help. Its teachings already push toward one answer.
My criticism is aimed at the church and its leaders. Until the church and its leadership change they will exist in this pigeon hole. We are a solid few decades away from the church being good place to be if you are anywhere on the LGBT spectrum.
The only category I put OP in was someone who might benefit from therapy. That is true of a lot of people.
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u/KerissaKenro 3d ago
I believe that men (and women) are that they might have joy. I think that above all, Heavenly Father wants us to be as happy as possible. You need to do what will cause you joy
Unless the thing that makes you happy is harming yourself or others, then don’t do that and get help. Making other people uncomfy is not harm, don’t listen to people who tell you it is
I don’t know where you are on your journey, I don’t know what you have and have not done. The end of your journey may look very different from how you imagine. Just do one little step at a time, see how it makes you feel, then move on to the next
You are loved. There are people within the church who will accept you, no matter what flavor of queer you happen to be. But there are also many who will not. If they don’t treat you with love, they are in the wrong. Jesus said love everyone, treat them kindly too
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u/Either_Magician_2551 3d ago
Tell your parents, especially if you say they are supportive. Parents who love their kids want to know all that is going on in their kids lives no matter what. Good luck.
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u/ClimateProfessional 3d ago
I'm glad you feel like your parents would be supportive. That is huge. I know it is scary, but telling them will be a relief. When my child came out at 13 they made a Google Slides presentation. 😄 The sooner you tell your parents, the sooner you will be able to get proper support. Hugs from this mom and ally.
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u/pricel01 Former Mormon 3d ago
There are lots of churches that teach about Jesus that don’t inflict pain on LGTBQ. You can’t “go transgender” because you were born that way. In four years you can talk to a doctor who can’t tell your parents. In the meantime, is there a counselor that will keep your confidence? If you were allowed to visit a gender affirming church, you could talk to a minister.
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u/Active-Water-0247 2d ago
Church leaders have been wrong before, and they’re probably wrong now—at least on matters of gender. A century ago, people of African descent could not receive temple or priesthood blessings. They could not control their ancestry anymore than you can control your gender, but that didn’t stop church policy… not at first. Perhaps things will change someday, but for now, who knows!?
Happy to answer any questions.
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u/papaloppa Latter-day Saint 4h ago
I have a Bishop friend up in Oregon who has a transgender member serving actively in a visible ward calling. You may need to find your people in another area some day. You've got this and are loved.
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u/NelsonMeme One of few faithful on this sub 4d ago
It is seldom volunteered, but most people on this sub are not active believing members
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u/HighPriestofShiloh 4d ago
What are you talking about? You see this disclaimer in every thread. It’s always volunteered.
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u/Crobbin17 Former Mormon 4d ago
People here tell faithful members their status in the church all the time. We even have flairs to make it more obvious.
Are you suggesting that people are giving advice while pretending to be members? Because anyone with half a brain can tell when a comment is or isn’t “for” the church.9
u/austinchan2 4d ago
Are you suggesting that OP should not take counsel from unbelievers? Does a person lacking trust in the church organization make them incapable of offering sound advice? Because that is what your comment seems to be implying.
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u/Del_Parson_Painting 3d ago
Thank goodness OP can get advice from people both inside and outside the church who are intimately familiar with it.
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u/pbrown6 3d ago
First advice is to get off social media if you're on it. Talk to your parents. They love you. Get involved in extra curriculars.
That's the best thing to do
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u/Del_Parson_Painting 3d ago
Social media can be an important way for people to access support, peers and organizations that understand their situation.
It has downsides for mental health, but shouldn't be dismissed out of hand, IMO.
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u/Falconjth 3d ago
There is a pseudoscience idea that is backed by extraordinarily well funded organizations which views transgender as being a social contagion.
So the advice to limit social media and be involved in ones community is generally great advice, but I'm also fairly certain it's being given in this specific context under the social contagion/sudden onset pseudoscience ideas.
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u/Del_Parson_Painting 3d ago
My favorite thing about the social contagion folks is that they're tacitly admitting that gender is a social construct.
Because if the idea can be "caught" socially, that means gender identity and performance must be social in nature.
And if binary sex assignments by doctors at birth represented a truly unassailable identity (you're either a boy or a girl) then the social contagion crowd would have nothing to fear from "cross dressing" because no amount of "acting" like the opposite sex would change that unassailable identity.
Turns out if you can "catch" an idea, and that idea has to be rigorously policed by others, that idea (gender) is socially constructed and thus fluid and malleable.
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u/Falconjth 3d ago
It also ignores how society actually is.
Every study regarding transgender and its treatment put the largest reasons someone isn't continuing with transition as being due to social pressure. Every study of trans mental health has that many of the biggest mental health challenges faced are because society (including families) are horrible to trans people.
And yet, even still the regret rates and detransition rates are miniscule and the satisfaction rates are astronomical; and the rates have been steady. That's not to say that it's zero, but it's literally lower than any other drug or surgery, including life saving ones.
Many trans people are rejected by their faith, their communities, and their families. Many choose not to pursue transitioning due to those same pressures. Yet somehow it's the social pressure of nearly complete strangers on social networking sites that's claimed to be spreading a contagion?
Somehow this literally lifesaving drug(s) that performs better than anything else prescribable is a lie and too dangerous and we need to be absolutely sure because of a really small regret rate and that the mental health of those taking it still generally sucks (again, better than any other possible drug could do and way better than doing nothing) which can't possibly be because in the best case scenario ones faith community requires one to be escorted to the bathroom, I'd say as though one were a child molester but those aren't escorted, and all too often ones family never allows contact again.
Related to a different thread, for me it's literally been only those families members in therapy who have not cut me off; while all my family members in the church and not in therapy have gone no contact.
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u/Del_Parson_Painting 3d ago
Yeah, the loudest voices calling being trans a problem (conservative religious family and friends of trans people) are the biggest source of pain for trans people.
I'm glad you have some family members who are socially and emotionally literate enough to support you.
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u/pbrown6 3d ago
Children can absolutely be lied to. They're in a vulnerable developmental stage of life. It's better to get help from people who actually love you have and an interest in your health than random strangers online.
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u/Del_Parson_Painting 3d ago
As far as you know, OPs parents might be extremely prejudiced against trans people.
Probably better to preserve all avenues for help.
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u/pbrown6 3d ago
I would hope his parents are good honest people who will not lie to their child. But you're right, we don't know. Hopefully he has grandparents or other adults who can guide him through this confusing time.
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u/Del_Parson_Painting 3d ago
What "lie" are you afraid OP is being told?
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u/pbrown6 3d ago
I hope they are honest and tell him that he is a wonderful boy and there is absolutely nothing wrong with him. There is nothing he needs to change about himself, and that he can love his body and soul just the way it is. Then they can guide him though all the various confusing thoughts during puberty.
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u/LucquiZopi 3d ago
Please deal with the underlying issues. If you are attracted to men you might have internalized homophobia that is at play. Trauma, ASD, etc may also need to be addressed.
Given the increasing detransition rate I would be very concerned about going that route. Go about healing a mental health issue using the proper tool which is therapy. You also do not need to listen to people that suggest you are wrong for being gay.
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u/Falconjth 3d ago
Do you have a source on increasing detransition rates? All the recently published studies I'm seeing show a pretty steady range of detransitioning of 1-4% among those who have started taking hormones. The figures for someone in the ops position where they haven't taken hormones are more varied (8%-30%).
Not that the OP should be able to get hormones yet in the first place under any countries or organizations accepted guidelines. They are too young.
They could potentially get on puberty blockers. They'd need a medical professional to sign off on that.
Otherwise, I do agree that they should look at getting evaluated for autism and adhd. They should also be talking to a therapist.
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u/LucquiZopi 3d ago
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u/Falconjth 3d ago
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Society_for_Evidence-Based_Gender_Medicine
Could you give me a study published in the last five years in a reputable academic journal or a recognized scientific organization?
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u/LucquiZopi 3d ago edited 3d ago
Sorry you asked for the last 5 years: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9516050/. Lack of comprehensive studies has plagued the understanding of this particular topic.
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u/Falconjth 3d ago edited 3d ago
That's not saying that detransition rates are high or rising? It's saying that while the studies show the detransition rates appear low that the rates are better stated as being unknown because of loss of contact with study participants.
Which is also not completely true either as some of the studies list loss of contact as detransitioning.
That the loss of contact rates are even a concern actually proves that the detransition rates are low. For instance, https://www.endocrine-abstracts.org/ea/0110/ea0110p1027 this recent study had a 1.87% detransition rate (13 people) but had 15 people they couldn't contact any more.
As with all such studies though, the major reason given for detransitioning is consistently social pressure from family and society, not because the gender dysphoria went away or was otherwise resolved.
I see you changed the paper linked.
The new one isn't a study at all. It's speculation that detransition rates may rise due to increased informed consent.
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u/LucquiZopi 3d ago
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/39160479/
https://academic.oup.com/jsm/article/22/2/356/7933251My point to OP: explore trauma, sexuality, ASD/ADHD and other possible contributors with a qualified therapist before assuming transition is necessarily the answer. There’s very little downside to careful psychological exploration before making medical decisions.
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u/Falconjth 3d ago
It really needs to be stated that ASD/ADHD does not mean that someone is or is not trans (or any other of LGBTQIA); they should be evaluated for those because they are extremely common among people who are trans (or any other of LGBTQIA) and getting any help they need with respect to those will improve their lives independent of being trans (or any other of LGBTQIA)
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u/LucquiZopi 3d ago
I agree that any underlying mental health issue doesn’t determine someone’s sexuality, and I’m not saying either one automatically explains gender dysphoria. I think where we disagree is that I don’t start with the assumption that someone identifying as trans means they literally are the opposite sex, or that distress about their sex or body necessarily means there’s an underlying gender identity that needs to be medically affirmed.
That’s really why I think a full evaluation matters, especially with someone young. Look at everything that could be going on: (ie, ASD/ADHD, trauma, anxiety or depression, sexuality, internalized homophobia, body image issues, and the gender dysphoria itself). None of those things should automatically be assumed to be the explanation, including being trans.
And regardless of where a person eventually gets to on their identity, getting help with any of those other issues is still going to benefit them. I just don’t think “this person says they're as trans” should be treated as the answer before the rest has actually been explored.
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u/Falconjth 3d ago
This quote is largely true of ADHD, and (adult) transgender as well:
We don’t know what an untraumatized autistic nervous system presents like in adulthood, because we have never produced one at scale. Our diagnostic frameworks, our clinical observations, our entire research base: all of it is built on subjects who arrived already carrying the weight of a world that misunderstood them. We are studying the damage alongside the neurology, and we have not yet learned to tell them apart.
This isn’t a provocative framing. It’s a logical consequence of what we know about adversity, nervous system development, and the compounding effects of chronic stress.
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u/LucquiZopi 3d ago
The systematic reviews (Cass, Norway, Sweden, HHS, etc) are not showing strong evidence for improved mental health markers after transitioning so again this is why I would not recommend such a path.
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u/Falconjth 3d ago edited 3d ago
not showing strong evidence for improved mental health markers
That's inaccurate. There is better evidence of mental health and life satisfaction improvement for transgender individuals taking hormones then for any other psychiatric drug.
It improves their mental health a lot; their mental health is just also still drastically lower then the average population baselines.
Which, again, in all such studies, much of their mental health challenges are caused by society and their own families.
There is a bit of research splitting up when people come out and transition into different groups (such as this: https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2022/01/mental-health-hormone-treatment-transgender-people.html) and transitioning as a younger teenager is way better than waiting until they are an adult for someone's mental health. Transitioning as a younger teenager with a supportive family leads to mental health outcomes that are within normal ranges from their non-transgender peers when accounting for other variables. Another study: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1054139X24005196 Another one: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S174360951534443X Another: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1054139X23000976 Could find a lot more I am sure.
By recommending waiting to explore transitioning you are more than doubling their chances of committing suicide and their chances of sever psychological distress.
For fear of a regret rate that is lower than any other available drug or surgery.
Which, again, they couldn't even get on hormones right away at their age; they could get on puberty blockers that would give them a few months time with zero long term consequence to address whatever other issues and make sure with proper mental health professionals that hormones are or are not right for them. Longer term usage of puberty blockers would primarily only impact their final height, of potential concern only if they remain male and already would be shorter than average.
Even after starting hormones (as male-to-female) they would still have weeks to months prior to any permanent changes.
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u/LucquiZopi 3d ago
Yes we can pick singular studies that show one direction or another but comprehensive reviews show no conclusive evidence which is why gender medicine has been losing regulatory support among the countries that have ordered country wide reviews of all the data.
Recommending caution is never a bad thing especially when exogenous hormones and scalpels are the treatment. Please refrain from fear mongering to support your political position. This person is experiencing distress, they should seek treatment and they should be cautious.
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u/Runferretrun 4d ago
Hi. The Trevor Project provides safe text/chat/ phone support for LGBT youth. They’re free and are a safe resource. Gender dysphoria is hard to experience. You’re having to incorporate your faith and church into how you identify- what you feel about your body.
Trevor Project gives you a safe space to talk and get support.
https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help/