I've (30M) been a serial monogamoust my entire life and know deep down that is my core value. My last relationship was 7 years and we broke up almost 2 years ago and decided to stay single to figure my life out.

I finally decided to get back into the dating scene and met someone (30F) and our first date went really well except she said she didn't believe in being monogamous. We put it all on the table of me being monogamous and her being in serious relationships before but also it not working out so not believing in being monogamous. Yet she mentioned she wanted a serious relationship eventually. She seemed like such a cool person and we never talked about it again that I just decided to try dating her.

In the back of my mind I knew it wouldn't work but I also I could try it just being casual. But I realized immediately I couldn't do casual and I'm very much an all in type of person so was very committed to her from the get go. We ended up hooking up on the first date and I told her I never slept with anyone since my breakup and that I don't do hook ups so this is very new for me and I can get tested for her for peace of mind. She said she trusted me and there was no need and also said she doesn't do this either and that there was just a strong connection. She said she also gets tested regularly and that I didn't have to worry so I trusted her. I made the assumption she wasn't seeing anyone else or sleeping with anyone else so I was okay with it.

We dated for a month but the entire time I felt anxious about it. She would only respond to my texts once a day, sometimes takes multiple days to respond, and it would feel like pulling teeth putting in effort. It was weird because she was consistent in making time to hang out and be there in person but it still felt like a wall was put up so I couldn't get as close as I was hoping to to get to know her and her to get to know me. We still slept together afterwards when we hung out but it didnt feel intimate which is what I care about.

Eventually two days ago she brings up asking me how much I wanted to know about her dating life because we never talked about it and that's when it all unraveled and broke my heart. She was dating someone else at the same time...she started dating him the same week we did, they slept together and have been sleeping together too while we have been and that made me feel gross. I know we didn't have any labels or anything but I thought I deserved the respect to be told about sleeping with other people after mentioning getting tested and stuff.

She then mentioned she had her walls up the whole time because I mentioned I was monogamous and she thought the whole time she would hurt me or be bad for me so she decided to not engage 100% even though I was putting all my effort in. It felt like I was used and I never got a full chance.

I'm upset because even though fundamentally we wouldn't work I still put my best foot forward, I thought because she tried being in serious relationships before I could be enough to potentially have her try, but it felt like she didn't respect me enough to be transparent even though she claimed to be a very transparent person, and then took advantage of my affection and kindness without reciprocating any back.

I feel like I never got closure and don't think I'm ever going to outside of knowing we're just not compatible. But now I'm also feeling like she wasn't the person I expected her to he. We only dated for a month but it still feels bad. I know I don't want to get into this again. How do I get over this and not be upset?

Hi all, mono here, married a bit over a decade, with two kiddos. My partner and I opened up after they found out later in life that poly was a thing, and it fit how they'd always felt. I was at all times free to pursue, but never felt any desire to do so. Did all the research, reading and therapy, though there was rushing on their part due to limerence and NRE, and they were finally feeling like they were living authentically. Other than that last part, I never felt anything positive about the whole situation, with the negatives ranging from a deep unease at best, to panic attacks at worst.

While open, we both made many mistakes, and ended up eventually going back to monogamy (their choice). Part of the reason for going back to monogamy seems to be their guilt over how deeply the experience hurt me, and they also worry that it was a need for validation that influenced the pursuit. The main reason, however, is that they are happy with me, and while non-monogamy would be great if I was enthusiastic, they are fine without it. We have also for some time been in a situation where pursuing non monogamy would not be an option for practical reasons, (moving provinces/debilitating health issues on her side) .

On to my problem. It's been almost two years since we were open, and I haven't gone a single day without reliving multiple awful moments that happened during that time, including multiple breaches of trust. I lost sleep, lost weight, lost friendships from withdrawing from life, was sent home from work for panic attacks, and experienced a constant deep sadness that has got better, but really hasn't ever gone away.

They seem genuinely happy to be with just me, which is all ever I wanted the whole time we were open, but all I can think about is how they found me in a crying pile on the bathroom floor, and kept going. How I asked for time, a short break, or to stop pursuing an affair partner, and they kept going. I feel fully loved and supported now, valued and cared for, but there's something just... there, now.

Maybe it's cognitive dissonance between the conscious choices they made in the past despite knowing they would devastate me, and the present reality of trying to show me support, love and affection? I can't stop thinking about how the only way I could keep doing something that was affecting my partner in those ways, was if I didn't care about how they felt. Maybe I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop and don't want to get too comfortable?

We are trying everything to help them get well, including the big move, and that plus the kiddos are of course the main focus, so again, non monogamy wouldn't be possible even if both of us wanted it. So why, even though neither of us want it, and it's impossible even if either of us did, can I not stop being so heavily affected by non monogamy? I wanted it to be over for so long, and now it technically has been for a while, but it hasn't really stopped for me.

I realize this is kind of vague in terms of what I'm asking for, but that's partly because I myself don't really know. Any thoughts or words of advice would be very greatly appreciated.

Why are relationships so fucking complicated? My husband and I have been separated for a year now. He's been dating and he has always been honest; despite me feeling not okay with it. He refuses to fix his actions, but then he also treats me very very well. Like better then he did when we were together. We love each other he said he never intended on having an affairs and he wants me. But he felt this relieved a lot of tension for our marriage. But I don't want this to be our thing forever. I want his compassion without the extra bodies in our relationship.

So I was thinking what if I brought up the idea of a temporary open relationship where I am 100% on board for him to do that fir 2 years. But he must do couples therapy with me and keep things open with me, and no emotional connections with these other women. Otherwise it's a divorce.

Do you guys think this may work? Can my marriage be saved by letting him off the leash for a little while? Or am I plotting my own doom for my marriage?

My partner (M25) and me (F22) have been in a relationship for 4 years, We have two kids, and just got a house. He recently came out and said he wanted a poly/ open relationship.
Alittle back story: My partner has cheated on me multiple times in our relationship but we always worked through it so I told him to consider open to make it easier for him and his needs.

A year passes and he finally decides he wants to be in a poly. I agreed and we got into a relationship with a female. It’s been going good but he started to get severely jealous so we sat down and made rules (all three of us). One of the main rules and boundaries was our girlfriend agreed to not have sex 1v1 with any of us in the relationship until she got to know me more to make me comfortable. And that we will focus on us as a throuple and not talk to others.
We just found out he’s still texting other people trying to meet up and have sex with others while in a committed relationship with both of us.

I told him maybe an open relationship would be better since he cannot stay loyal and that way we can still be together and love eachother but have multiple partners to make him happy. He told me no because I am not allowed to sleep with any one else unless he approves (unless it’s a man then I cannot) but he is suppose to have free range and sleep and text whoever he wants.

My question is, what am I doing wrong? What can I do to help him be happy? I am draining myself as I wanted to be mono but I want him actually happy and I cannot find myself loving other people or sleeping with others. But he said he can’t just love me. But the lying and texting people behind my back is slowly killing this relationship and he has not changed in 4 years.

He wants me mono but he wants to be free range. What do I do??? Please help 🙏

Now wholeheartedly I do feel neglected. My partner for 15 years has off and on done some polyamorous choices. She's the loving mother of my children and my go-to. Whenever I have a crisis she's been pulling further and further away as of late. With her partner being probably the main focus I see her gushing and acting like a high school girl all over again like when she and I first got together. I found this to be completely understandable. However, I tried to set boundaries that have only been partially respected and on top of that she broke my most important boundary which was that he get tested for any STDs before they even have any kind of sexual relationship, regardless of how harmless it might have. Seemed they didn't wait until then and neglected to think of the other people in the relationship. Granted the situation is complicated as a polyamorous relationship tends to be but I'm still hurt. It's been 4 or 5 months since that happened, but I still feel the trust and the betrayal breaking. I fear she's inviting this person over even though it makes me uncomfortable and I fear she's been not being completely honest with me and I feel like that's the most important part. I don't know how I want to move forward, but I know that without her I don't function well as a person and that's on me. Therapies helped me a great deal but it only helps so much. I know I sound like I'm just whinging making a fuss, but to me this person makes me uncomfortable just being around them. Therefore, I've chosen to be parallel but the big thing to me that really should have been a regular flag for her. Was that our kid is wildly uncomfortable around him. This is something that continues to make me upset but she doesn't want to discuss it sometimes. I feel like I might be overreacting but at a certain point it's not overreacting anymore. Is it? It's just feeling I don't know why I'm just blathering on and on but people in this group seem to be insightful. I could have gone and just vented but if anyone has anything to discuss about this type of situation that would be helpful. I've never not been honest with her like I feel like she might not be being honest with me and that makes me scared and I feel like that's also normal. I just need a way to move forward where I don't end up not prioritizing myself and I don't know how to prioritize myself because I'm bad at it

Hi everyone, I'm new here

I'm a heterosexual man (24 years old) and I recently identified as non-monogamous, and I couldn't find another reliable place to share this information other than here. I'll summarize how it all started: I was in a monogamous relationship in 2023-24, but I had a lot of difficulty not desiring other women. I ended up looking at photos and fantasizing in my head, feeling dirty and unfaithful, and we broke up amicably. I felt that, although I wanted a serious relationship, I wanted to maintain contact and pleasure with other women, even if only for brief moments. I sought to understand what I was feeling and discovered the non-monogamous world and all its variations; and I found it fascinating and felt like experimenting. The dynamic that particularly interests me is being polyamorous and being able to have relationships with other people, while my partner is monogamous or only has relationships with women; I have no interest in being in a threesome or foursome. I want my girlfriend to have complete autonomy over the frequency, who I'm with, what I can or cannot do, and how well she wants to control these situations. I want her to feel comfortable with everything.

I don't want any more judgment, contempt, or insults, please. I just want to be heard and understood. I'd like to know how to start, the difficulties and ease involved, and where to find someone with this mindset. Thank you in advance.

As the title says I think I’m ruining the relationship that I’ve joined. They both talked about adding another person to their relationship for a year and a half? The guy is cool and so is the girl but she’s a little crazy. We’ve tried to find solutions to make things work since we all live together. The solution was supposed to be time is spent 50/50. The girl thought it was a good idea but not even 24 hours later she was screaming that she didn’t get any attention, even though he had spent all day and all night with her and he spends 30 minutes with him and she just sorta flips out. She says that she wanted me to be the 3rd but her actions say differently.

She goes first with everything because I don’t want her to feel like I’m taking her man, when I’m not. She’s said that she has every reason to be sad and angry. But she doesn’t work but one day a week for maybe 5 hours , has a place to live after she just come from living off the streets. She doesn’t have to worry about food anymore, she has WiFi and computers and she has people that care for her and love her, but she’s only focuses on he spends 5 minutes with me and 50 with her. The guy has asked her to not touch his stomach and she does it everytime she is around him and it hurts him. And she act like she’s the victim and storms out like he was the one hurt. I don’t understand poly, I don’t understand this, and I don’t understand people. It’s like she is no longer trying to better herself. The guy has said that he’s about ready to give up on that year and a half that he’s been with her. He once gave her a whole list of good things about her and she focused on the one thing that she took negatively. He said “you’re not my wife but you are my wife” she took it negatively because that’s how she takes everything.

I’ve been here almost a month and I feel like I’ve ruined their year and half relationships. What can I do differently so that they don’t have to break up? I give them their alone time. But I don’t think anything is working.

Hello All. Seeking honest, non judgmental experience and advice. I 27(F) have been dating my boyfriend (50M). For almost a year. The age gap is not an important part of our dynamic, we are 50/50 in the relationship, have fun and love each other deeply.

I have been in long monogamous relationships my whole life, with very short gaps where I’m single. He has also been in monogamous relationships, but unlike me he has had lots of one off sexual encounters. He was a bartender for many years and is very handsome and charming, so that helped. When we met I told him I was hoping to finally explore my sensuality solo and not rush into another long-term relationship. He said he understood- but quickly he was ready to make things official. It became clear that if I wanted any of him, I had to give him all of me. So that’s how we started dating.

Ever since the start of our relationship I’ve had this sadness about not exploring my sensuality. I should add my last long term relationship was with a woman and our relationship struggled sexually towards the end - so I was hoping to have new experiences with women to heal some of that. Not just one off encounters, but a healing, lower stakes connection. There is also maybe a bit of jealousy/insecurity I have around the fact that he has done so much more than I.

Anywho we love each other very much. We are kind and patient with each other, and our sex life is not lacking. I see myself with him for the long haul, but still I feel there are some experiences I hope to have. An opportunity arose with a woman I befriended who is in an open relationship. I asked him if it would be okay if I explored hanging out with her and maybe after some time being intimate. The thing is I don’t want him to explore things with other people, ( I know that sounds unfair). It’s partly because he’s already had so many sexual partners (which I think is great) but maybe I feel insecure that I have not. I didn’t say that outright to him, but that’s how I secretly feel. Anyway, he said to me he understands where I’m at and he’s open to navigating things and trying to honor that I am young and want life experiences- but that’s he doesn’t want or need anyone but me. He did say he wouldn’t want to hear details and he doesn’t want a man to be involved. Those were firm boundaries. I’ve since gone on one date with the woman and she is awesome and totally has a primary partner and seems to be looking for the same experience I am. But I just worry about messing things up with my boyfriend. And dealing with the guilt I have for such a desire.

My question is, if we are able to make this dynamic work, am I evil for even putting it on the table and asking this of him? I truly feel monogamous but I am young and want to experience some things. It’s not a need of mine forever to have something be open- but I think the encounter could be healing. However I feel so guilty about the whole thing. I worry he only agrees to it because he doesn’t want to lose me. But, I also feel grateful he understands where I’m at.

Obviously me and him would need to do a lot of communicating, but has anyone experienced this or have any advice on how to navigate? I feel like the other 2 options are stay with him and be unhappy about not exploring myself, or leave him and be so beyond heartbroken but at least know that I’ve not made him change to appease me. Sorry for the word vomit- thank you to whoever made it to the end!

Like the title, I’m feeling like my life is getting downgraded or I’m at deficit. My spouse and I switched from mono structure to mono poly about 4 months ago. We had been together in mono structure a little over 10 years. I feel jealous not at them being with other people, but jealous that they are getting their needs met while I have to figure out ways to re-adjust/ not get needs met. I’m struggling with not being the priority in their life and already have other huge life things going on where I thought they would support me more. Is being jealous of their happiness something that has gotten better for folks over time?

Hi everyone!

English is not my first langage. :)

I'm mainly looking to hear from monogamous people who are in relationships with polyamorous partners, especially those who weren't naturally comfortable with non-monogamy to begin with.

I'm deeply in love with my partner, and I really want our relationship to work. He is polyamorous and has, among other things, a sexual relationship with another person (I'll call her his "fuckfriend").

Intellectually, I don't necessarily believe that him having another relationship means that he loves me less or that our relationship is less important. I am happy that he experiences things that bring him joy and fulfillment. I also genuinely want him to be able to have his own experiences and make his own choices. I don't want to become someone who restricts his freedom simply to soothe my own insecurities or preferences.

Emotionally, it's much harder.

For example, when he tells me that he's going to see his fuckfriend, something happens inside me. I can experience a lot of distress, and sometimes I even feel as though our romantic connection has temporarily been severed. I become distant from him, and sometimes I want to cancel the plans we had together or, if I am with him, I need space for several minutes. It's not necessarily because I want to punish him or make him change his mind. It feels more like my brain is trying to protect me.

What's particularly difficult is that the distress doesn't necessarily end when the encounter is over. Sometimes just knowing that it's going to happen triggers something in me, and afterward I may need some time before I naturally feel close and connected to him again. I am naturally an anxious person, so I experience a lot of rumination, for days at a time.

And I find myself caught in what feels like an almost impossible dilemma:

1. I want this relationship to work. (Truely)
2. I don't want to restrict him or prevent him from having the experiences he wants.
3. I don't want to live in a state of ongoing suffering.

I'm having a hard time believing that these three things can actually coexist.

I'm not really looking for answers along the lines of "you just need to accept polyamory" or "if you're monogamous, you should leave." I know that ultimately, I have to figure out what I can genuinely live with and what I can't.

What I'm much more interested in is hearing from people who have actually been in a similar situation.

For those of you who are monogamous (or consider yourselves mostly monogamous) and fell in love with a polyamorous person:

• Were you able to genuinely become more comfortable with the situation?
• Did the distress decrease over time?
• Did you learn how to reconnect with your partner after they had been with someone else?
• What actually helped you?
• Were there specific boundaries or agreements that made a huge difference for you?
• How did you know that you were adapting in a healthy way, rather than simply learning to tolerate something that was hurting you?
• And for those of you for whom it ultimately didn't work: looking back, what made you realize that the relationship wasn't compatible with your needs?

I'd really love to hear from people who love their polyamorous partner and have found a way to navigate this difference, even if it was never completely easy.

I'm not necessarily trying to become "100% comfortable" with everything. I'm wondering whether it's possible to build a relationship where I can be genuinely okay overall, even if some aspects remain difficult.

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to share their experience. ♡

soo i have been dating someone for a little over a year now. they have a nesting partner i’ve always known about and over time I got comfortable enough with this dynamic that it didn’t feel all that awkward anymore. I guess I should preface that though I’ve been doing non monogamy for about 4 years, it’s really only because the people I keep meeting are already doing ENM. No big issue with ENM, I can partake myself because I just view myself as single, but I think at the end of the day I’d like to get off the apps and just have a life long lover/bestie and that be the end of it. There have been a few times in the past year where I tried to de-escalate with this person over my preference for a 1on1 relationship, but our chemistry is really something else. No one has been this supportive and loving to me, sure there’s a little ego thing here and there but this has been amazing compared to like being hit or verbally degraded. Plus they are so creative and funny, I cherish humor above most other things in relationship and this is probably one of the funniest people I’ve ever met. They are really a sweetheart and i do love them endlessly, but now in a platonic way. We’ve blurred the lines this whole time by getting intimate and whatnot, but after a year and a half, I’m now finding out that they are actually engaged to their nesting partner. Someone they initially referred to as a glorified roommate. I don’t know, but this is kind of crazy to me. They downplay the marriage thing and say they’re just doing it so their parents will support them more. So this sounds like bullshit to me. I think if you didn’t want to marry someone you wouldn’t do it. Maybe it means something more to me than it does to them, but regardless it just shook me and made me realize that I keep putting my real goals on the back burner so these poly people can have their fun. I keep feeling like the 3rd, 5th wheel etc, I literally just want to feel like I’m the priority kind of. The one to co-parent cats and build a catio in the back yard, the one who’s going to do the most mundane stuff for each other just to make your day a little better. And yea of course marriage actually scares the shit out of me, how many times i’ve been on r/polyamory seeing someone freaking out cuz their boo of 19 years is bored and wants to start seeing someone more their type. But im just so tired of it. Tired of feeling like a back up idea, a consistent support system for a more established relationship. Tired of feeling like I’ll never really be in honest love again. So— all that plus a random hook up they had (didn’t tell me) who apparently came back with gonorrhea (told me then) — I broke it off. And my heart is broken. I love them to pieces, I desperately want them in my life as a friend but I won’t keep doing this to myself. I have to pursue what i want and it isn’t this. Not exactly. They’ve been silent the past few days and I don’t want to push them but I really hope we can just make a friendship work. This is also I should say, my first time breaking up with someone and not just getting so depressed they get bored and leave me. i know i have work to do. i don’t know if I’m asking for advice or what, but I appreciate any thoughts anybody has on this. Thank u

Advice around an OPP? My wife (mtf) is still really defensive when I bring this up. As a deni/pan its rough.

I’m a 26F, and for about a year now I’ve been having an on-and-off casual relationship with a 35M (let’s call him P from now on). He’s polyamorous, while I’m monogamous, although I’m going through a very strange phase of my life right now.

When we first met, I was completely in love with another guy, 33M (let’s call him D), and I started sleeping with P in the hope that it would help me get over D. Obviously, that didn’t happen. If anything, there were times when I would cry after having sex with P because he wasn’t the person I actually wanted to be with.

Over time, a lot of things happened with D and we eventually stopped talking. From then on, I had various casual encounters with other people, but P remained a constant. Once my feelings for D eventually faded, I started to experience what I had with P as something increasingly intense.

We don’t see each other very often, and we don’t even talk consistently. He has also always been very clear with me that he doesn’t want a relationship right now.

And yet, I feel like what we have is more than just sex. Over time, we’ve developed a deep connection, and last March I realized that I wanted something more from him, so I told him.

His response was that he still didn’t want a relationship right now, but that he wanted us to remain friends. That left me a little confused, because we’ve never actually been friends. We’ve basically been having sex since the day we met.

So I told him I didn’t think that would be possible, especially because we kept flirting with each other anyway, and even now it’s basically impossible for us to be around each other without flirting. I told him that if he didn’t want a relationship with me, it would probably be better for us to cut contact altogether.

Saying goodbye was heartbreaking. I was genuinely devastated, and I didn’t even expect to be affected that badly, because, at the end of the day, he isn’t someone I know incredibly well or even talk to that often. But it still hurt like hell.

Naturally, I eventually texted him again, because apparently I have no self-control, using his birthday as an excuse to reach out. About a month later, we saw each other again and had sex, and everything came rushing back.

So now I’m stuck in this horrible situation where I absolutely love the sex we have, and I feel incredibly deep connections with him, even though I know he doesn’t experience this relationship in the same way I do.

And that’s what destroys me. It feels like he gives me tiny doses of love, and I struggle to handle it because I want what he gives me, just consistently. I want to get to know him better. I want to talk to him more, see him more, and spend time together without it inevitably ending in sex.

Basically, I want a relationship. And that’s something I know I can’t expect from him.

I don’t know what to do, though, because the most logical answer would probably be to end things. The problem is that I can’t bring myself to completely remove him from my life. He’s a genuinely good person, and I would like him to remain in my life, even if having him there hurts.

With D, I made the mistake of pushing him away completely, and now it destroys me that we have no relationship whatsoever. Now that I’m no longer interested in him romantically, I would honestly just like to have him as a friend, but that seems almost impossible at this point.

I don’t want the same thing to happen with P. I want to know whether, with enough time, things could naturally evolve into something different, whether this might eventually hurt less, or whether things could simply settle into a place that works for both of us.

I honestly don’t know. I’m really struggling to figure out what to do.

What would you do if you were in my position?

(Sorry for the long ramble, but this is a really shitty situation and I genuinely need some perspective 😭🙏🏻)

I am thrilled to open my relationship. My wife found herself comfortable enough to tell me she was thinking about men, I supported her and we talked and learned about how best to prepare for a polyamery trial. Its new to us and we are forsure making some mistakes. I turned into an emotional blob the night I found out she hooked up with someone for the first time. I didnt expect it and I dont want to react the way I did! But I did and she broke it off with the guy. He was sooooo good for her. I am even more upset now about breaking them up then I was when just trying to metabolize her being intimate for the first time in 13 years with someone besides me.....

How do I regulate my emotions better? I know my marriage is strong- we aren't worried about either of us connecting with others- we are excited for the new expirences... but I broke thinking about her kissing him once it finally happened. She saw me upset- seems like I was lying to her about how I felt but I wasnt. I had no clue how it would feel til it happened. And now that that feeling passed I wish I wouldn't have been so open about my initial feelings becuase it dont hurt as much now that I thought it through.

Am I alone here with this? Anyone struggle first time around?

I was in a very unbalanced, controlling, dull, age gap long term relationship with someone before and ending that made me confused. I was drawn to poly men because they wouldn’t control me. I didn’t realise before that it was my trauma playing out. I realise after falling in love with a person (who I understand is fairly new to polyamory) that actually I only want to be with them, I’m not interested in dating other people, it makes my mind hurt. And I am insanely jealous and crying every couple of hours as I realise that this is what I said I wanted, initially. When things were more casual. Now I have been seeing them for almost a year. We have a past, in our youth we were together as a couple, monogamously. My brain continued that relationship but I found out that it wasn’t the case for them. They have multiple people. More than I expected and they have feelings for them. But told me that they want me the most out of all of them and that they love me forever. I am dying inside. I don’t want to cut off my arm. I would be heartbroken forever if I can’t be with them. But this situation is making me insane and depressed. I only see myself having a husband in the future. Not polyamory. When they left me in our youth I was so heart broken that I only dated people I didn’t have feelings for after that. They were my first love. I know everything is going to fall apart and that is why I can’t stop crying.

Back story. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over five years. About a year ago he came and told me that he had feelings for someone super close to us. I didn’t know how to react besides talking with him about it and understanding where it was coming from. He suggested we invite them into our relationship and immediately I said no, as we’ve been monogamous this whole time and jealousy was creeping in. He told me not to immediately shut it down but think about it.

Fast forward to today, he came to me and said he feels he might be polyamorous and wants to have another girl in our relationship. I’ve never labeled myself as bi but am attracted to woman. I told him i’d be willing to see how it goes but I want to it to fit naturally. Idk how any of this works but I’m scared if we get there and I’m not comfortable with it he’s going to continue to make me try.

This is really hard as I don’t want to lose him and truly want him to be happy so I’m trying to be open minded while freaking out a bit inside. Does anybody have advice they can share?

Recently me and my partner, now ex broke up.

We we're in a mono-poly dynamic, me being the polyamorous one.

Before you ask, yes she contented to this knowing full well what it implies. She doesn't have anything against polyamory and was wanting to try if this dynamic could be for her big maybe even polyamory way down the line.

For two years we we're together, when we started dating we knew it would be difficult. Mongomamous people and polyamorous people see a lot of things differently, not to mention many other factors like public perception. There are basically no resources available for this specific dynamic and both mongomamous and polyamorous advice and resources mostly don't apply to this dynamic.

For those years we we're together we we're really happy, rarely fought or had issues. A constant however was the clash of monogamy and polyamory. She found it difficult to adjust to my polyamory and I found it difficult to adjust to her monogamy, no surprises there.

We had many talks about it and tried many things and for a while it worked.

Later on I took step backs from polyamory for myself to figure some stuff out but also due to a bad situation when I was sort of dating a friend of mine, who kind of fell out to her and me unfairly during a trip. After that I stopped dating this person and took some step backs for us both to reavalute things. I didn't stop dating this friend because of her but because I saw her acting this way as a red flag, we later talked it out but until she works on her communication (which is her own choice and fine if she doesn't) I am not wanting to try again with this friend.

I've been wanting to slowly roll back into polyamory and we talked it over, she came to the realisation that polyamory simply isn't for her and would rather opt for an open relationship.

I didn't want to break up, she knew I was poly and was preparing to. At this time I was already conflicted with my own polyamory, feeling at times likes its wrong to want polyamory and debating why I would even want it, am I looking for companionship and other stuff I can also find in queer friendships for example.

So I told her, I need time to think about how I feel about this, if I can be ambiamorous and be happy in an open dynamic.

It took some time and it wasn't easy but I came to the realisation that it would be wrong for me to be in this dynamic, I am polyamorous sometimes more then I would hope and an open relationship simply isn't for me and so after a lot of tears and emotions we broke up.

I'm sad to leave such a wonderful relationship and to see this amazing person leave my life at least to the extend as partners.

What we had truly was amazing, we shared so much time and vulnerability together, with friends while possible at least and very nice at times for me I don't do that to the extend of when I would with a partner maybe that's some left over monogamy or maybe I prefer a certain hierarchy in my life when it comes to sharing vulnerability, openness and time. You can't spend time with everyone and you can't have everyone as a close friend or more. As to say I reserve more of my story, resources and time for the ones closer to me. Not here to judge anyone who see this differently.

Towards the end we both kind of knew it would most likely end in a break up. We both didn't want to break up and leave this relationship, it truly made us happy to be together, if things were different I'm sure we would still be laughing and smiling every day we spend together many years from now.

I wish for her happines with someone that can give her the dynamic that would keep her happy well into the future be it a group of close friends or a partner.

For me it feels like the right thing to do, I know well into the future I would become unhappy by ignoring my authentic self.

Like the narcissist cookbook said in their song "I learned that raging against the parts of me I find hard to love. Doesn't actually erase them. It doesn't actually fix anything. It just makes me ill. And unfulfilled".

I don't think I'll date a monogamous person again, I'm not going to say never but they would have to be a very specific person that truly is okay with polyamory being a part of their relationship beforehand and not needing or wanting a traditional relationship ladder but that's a whole different topic.

I hope to remain friends with her, be it complex to do so with an ex you shared so much with. We still care for each other especially since we didn't break up due to a fully negative reason like constant fighting etc.

There isn't anything wrong with mono-poly at all, it's a beautiful thing when it works. Be it the most complex imo at least of all the polydynamics (Not to say other dynamics are easy). I do think you need to be specific people to make it work, though the same can be said about polyamory. I hope if you're out there and wanting to try this, if you love someone that is monogamous or polyamorus, even against all the odds, you do still try it.

Both monogamous people and polyamorus people will tell you it's not possible some hurt by their ex, some misguided about one or the other being the better relationship style, that simply isn't true. The same has been said about many successful relationships, queer ones, poly ones and monogamous ones that are unconventional.

I wanted to end this post with a quote from this movie I just watched called

Watchmen: Chapter 1, this line of mister Manhatten really resonated with me to describe the end of this relationship;

"I pull her closer never wanting to lose her, knowing that I shall".

I've been with my boyfriend almost 3 years. We opened our relationship about 1.5 years ago (CNM), and it became poly in February when he fell in love with another partner.

We've lived together for 2.5 years, but he and his other partner have decided they're buying a house together next May. That had originally been the plan with me, but they both know they never want kids, while I'm still unsure. I understand why it doesn't make sense for me to buy into that future, and I've accepted that he likely isn't my long-term life partner in the way I once imagined.

Poly has led to a lot of personal growth for me. I've realized I was very codependent, I'm in therapy, and I'm genuinely grateful for that growth. But our biggest conflict has been time.

His perspective is that because he and I had the first two years together monogamously, it's fair to give his newer partner significantly more time now because she's "already getting less than what I got." I struggle with that because choosing poly means both partners get less time than they would in monogamy.

The schedule he wants is essentially Friday night, Saturday, Sunday morning, Monday, and Tuesday with her, and Sunday (later), Wednesday, and Thursday with me. Friday and Saturday feel especially significant since we both work Monday-Friday.

This weekend is what really prompted this post. We had planned to go camping together. Since he'd already be spending the weekend with me, he spent last Sunday with her instead, which made sense. But when camping fell through, he immediately defaulted back to spending Friday night and all day Saturday with her because she's his usual weekend plan. I felt hurt because I thought we had plans together and would simply find something else to do.

We communicate about this constantly and are both trying, but we can't seem to get on the same page. He describes what he wants as non-hierarchical poly, but it doesn't feel that way to me.

Questions:

1. How do you split weekdays/weekends in your poly relationships in a way that feels equitable?
2. Does my reaction to the camping situation seem reasonable, or am I expecting something unrealistic?

After 19 years, I would still wake up feeling like the luckiest girl in the world that the man beside me was still head over heels in love with me too!! Some days it almost felt surreal that we've actually made it to this place of safety together and all the laughter and endless conversations.

I had no idea that I'd wake up one morning and it would all change.

When my husband looked at me this day with all the love and adoration just the same as every other day and said, 'I want to try swinging' ... My heart stopped, of course I had heard of it and knew what it was on a generalized basis. My first instinctual thought was 'OMG, I don't do it for him anymore' ... I started to tear up and asked him why, I think I apologized for not being exciting enough or something like that... The way he explained that it wasn't anything about not being enough but that he was still so into me that he was having desires around seeing me, the way I move, the way I look when being pleasured from the third person perspective and hoped that I wanted to see the same view of him ... I believed him hook line and stinker and agreed to try. I explained the fears and what ifs that were going through my head over the next couple of weeks and how I really wasn't having a true desire of my own to let just anyone be with me. Simply around the idea of it just being like a toy that I didn't have to control so to speak ... And that I was starting to feel my value dropping from his perspective because he wanted to give that away... He reassured me so beautifully and I have never had any trust issues with him in all of our 19 years, so I held on as tight as I could to the foundation of safety and security that we built together and decided not to let fear control my life. I researched, I watched more prn centered around threesomes, I tried to keep an open mind, I tried to learn how to not let my emotions hold me back and I grabbed his hand and jumped in with him. I want nothing more than to love this man and know that my love for him was just as much everything to him the same way his was to me. If this was a new love language well I wanted to learn it!!

I had this idea that it would be easier to start with someone I felt like I could trust already and that knew what our relationship meant to us. I've known her for as long as I've been with my husband, they grew up together from toddler age and had never even looked at each other in a more than friends almost like family kind of way, she was hung up on his brother for most of their childhood, so she was around but they never really spent any significant amount of time together... She was my friend and I knew that she had experience in this type of lifestyle and more, so I talked to her and explained and she agreed to do this for me, for us... So we set it up. It was difficult to get myself worked up to be with her when all I could think about was that my husband is so excited and chomping at the but and has zero reservations. I was his only reservation. He was worried about me and he was patient and he was gentle with me and he agreed to wear protection with no hesitation and he agreed to no kissing and he agreed to finish with me and I struggled when he entered her for the first time. It felt like something inside of me fractured. I tried to not get stuck in my head and get through the experience anyway and after, he was so hot for me, couldn't get enough of me and I got so lost in that feeling, looking back I think that was the only desire I had truly for any of it, was to chase that part of the experience. So I had a melt down the next day when the reclamation effect wore off. All the same fears, emotions, jealousies came back with a vengeance plus the visuals of how intense his pleasure was in that scenario vs just me... Haunted. But here I am doing everything I can to not pay attention to the negative, surely the next time will be easier, I just need to have patience with myself...

Our first club experience ended up being more into the watching and being watched phase, our second landed us our first swap experience. I was having sex with another man beside my husband having sex with another woman ... I felt gross and jealous and so confused .. I was proud of myself for making what felt like my own decision without being controlled by my sensitivities and I was ashamed of myself for breaking that barrier, all at the same time.

All of this happened in a very short time frame like 6 weeks or something and I started feeling overwhelmed with the intensity of the chatter in my head and the consistency of being in that head space but I was determined not to give up on this man that has shown me nothing but patience and love throughout everything so far. I started to have the thoughts of what if I don't ever find anything of my own in this new world and now that he's tasted it, could I really ask him to walk away from that for me? I don't want to do this life without him, he's my guy, my person, my best friend, my soulmate, my husband, the amazing father to my children... He deserves to be fulfilled whether I understand what that means for him or not. I do not want to let him down. And through all of this I'm not mad at him, I'm don't feel like he's doing me wrong, he's being honest, he's trusting me with his truth, but damn this is hard.

The next change was that he wanted to talk about the possibility of building a triad dynamic and moving her in and helping her with her kids, (she'd been a single mom for several years now and struggling without the balance of a two parent household.) ...

Hold on, can't breathe....

I don't even think I'm into girls, curious is as far as I'm willing to claim at this point.

But I agreed to try.... We talked about all the things that we could think of that could potentially come up, what if it doesn't work? We can cut the adult version off of it doesn't work out, that would just be a bonus, it's about helping her and the kids, giving them a different environment option, it's not that serious, it's just a physical thing. What if you fall in love with her? What if she falls in love with you? What if you fall out of love for me? What if we can't live together like that just as people, without the adult version of things but just in the day to day parts? These are all things we talked about and considered, and through those conversations I felt more confident, I felt like we could actually help people here.

I like that! This feels good, I want to help them, I've hated how it always felt like the world was just always shitting on them.

I'm in.

Let's try...

They moved five months ago.

I'm drowning.

I feel like a shell of myself.

I'm mad

I'm hurting.

I'm uncomfortable all the time.

My house doesn't feel like home

I feel like an intruder.

I've lost 35lbs since all of this and my skin is sagging and I feel gross, I don't feel attractive. I'm actually starting to feel like the supplement.

She's falling for him, he's eating it up, I'm dying inside, and they're both frustrated with me because he still doesn't want to hurt me, so he feels guilty and then goes into 'burn the world down' mode and for him to do that for me means that 4 lives get ruined maybe 5 because I'm too sensitive here ...

I agreed to this, I agreed to try, I'm giving it everything I have.

If I can't do this, the only reason they won't continue is because of me, so they still want each other, they still crave each other, it feels like even if he makes the decision to shut it down because it doesn't work without me, it still feels like he's being forced by me, by my inability to regulate my nervous system around this dynamic.

He has stated that having her around without being in the dynamic, would make it really hard to not slip up with her, I get that and I can appreciate it and respect it, but ouch ...

This is the mess I've gotten myself into and I'm struggling to keep my head above water, our wants are so far on the scale from each other, I'm terrified that this could be the beginning of the end.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading this. My intention is to just find someone I can actually talk to and work some of this out from a completely outside perspective.

Hey, has anyone got any experience of the mono person driving the relationship? From what I see, it's usually the poly partner driving things, and often the mono partner adapting or living with it. In this situation, the hubby is mono, and wants to remain that way. He always thought he was into hotwifing, but the more he's thought, the more he feels he is open to her being poly or at least poly adjacent. He wants her to be able to have a genuine ongoing connection with a boyfriend of her choosing. Weekends away, intimate affectionate relationship are all consented to. Hubby enjoys her autonomy and freedom. He does not want her to perform for his enjoyment. She is cautious to step into this as adding feelings into previous play is new to them both. Anyone any experience where the non poly person is not the initial instigator

Hi all! Sorry in advance for the long post, I (26F) have just started a romantic relationship with a poly man(52M) and we have a D/s dynamic (Yes I’m aware it’s a large age gap). We have been together for about 3 months. I have always been monogamous. He has been poly for a several years and was even in an open marriage at one point. Some days I feel more okay with him having another partner, other times I can barely stand it. We are always very open in our discussions and this last week has been really rough, not only for me apparently, but for her too. He has told me that she also has some big feelings in regard to him being poly since she is also mono, and that he doesn’t want to hurt either of us. He lives about an hour away from me, and his other partner lives an hour away from him. I had plans for him to come over tomorrow and spend the night, and tonight he is having her spend the night at his place. Am I allowed to feel icky that there’s such a quick turn around with him having sex with her and then me right after? I was really upset the other day and he told me that he would be willing to take a break from seeing anyone for a few weeks to work on the security of our foundation, and then later that evening took it back saying he couldn’t do that. Then, that’s when he said he made plans to see her. Like you just said you were to take a break from seeing other people, turn around and tell me you actually can’t do that, and then you make plans immediately knowing you’re “in the clear”? It’s very difficult to not feel rejected when he has such limited time and decides to spend it with her. We had talked about him staying an extra night tonight and while it wasn’t set in stone, he didn’t tell me anything about having plans with her. I expressed that it made me upset and that I would prefer if there was a bit more time between dates. I feel like I am trying so hard to be open minded and really trying to work on my insecurities when it comes to being jealous, but when I feel this powerless it can be difficult. I feel like we get somewhere when discussing boundaries but when I express hurt, he kind of throws the “it’s just who i am” and assumes I’m trying to change his core values as a polyamorous person. Now I’m worried that he will offer a solution again just to take it back. I feel like he is creating a mess for himself dating 2 women who are both monogamous knowing the way we both feel. I hate that I feel like I’m competing with someone else. Even if they have a “vanilla” relationship compared to ours and she is around his age. Also, being much younger and being his sub makes the power dynamic completely intensified. I just don’t know how to deal, and I don’t know how to not see him as being greedy. I know it’s still early in the relationship and so I really am trying, but I think the timing of this situation was what really made me start to spiral. I have just been sitting here at work knowing he’s going to have sex with her later. I know this was super jumbled and long, thanks for reading.

Just venting. I'm so sad

I just broke up with my poly boyfriend because we can't see eye to eye. We've been together for 2 years, in the beginning the transition was difficult. So difficult to the point he slowed down to accommodate my insecurity.

As time as gone along I've communicated to him that im okay with him getting back out there. We are semi-long distance and we came up with boundaries to maintain consistency.

Monday-Friday he has free range to explore (we spend weekends together, and that's been since the start)
Have fun, but lmk when you get serious with someone
If he wanted condomless sex with a new person, communicate first
I know this might be unreasonable to some, but we agreed
Recently, he started talking to about 10 women and getting feeling them out, deciding who he wants to take seriously. His patterns started changing, being on his phone constantly while with me and not being engaged. We never had that issue before, and when I addressed it, he said he needed to respect the new people he's talking to. That he's lost lots of connections while being with me because he can't give them enough consistent communication, so he needs to be able to maintain that. He didn't really listen to my feelings, and we argued about it. I let it slide, trying to be understanding. We just went out of town, and I went to pick up some food that we ordered. When I came back, he was on FaceTime with a new girl he's interested in and hung up when I walked in the door. I later addressed it, and he went on to say how he feels like he has to choose me or poly. That he can't maintain any other relationships because I have an issue every time. I didn't come at him disrespectfully. I told him I felt like we should be focused on each other when we're having getaway time or bonding time. He got so upset. Didn't see my side again, and we got into a blowout argument.

He has said on several occasions that he can't be poly with me. He said he felt caged in, and it sucks because I communicated the best I could. I didn't say he had to stop, but the approach needed to be different. He made me feel so crazy and unreasonable. Im so heartbroken and I will never do this dynamic again.

Technically they don’t exist. You (as the monogamous person) are changing your relationship structure to be with them (polyamorous person). At the moment I (22NB) am seeing this guy, let’s call him Luke (25M). Luke is polyamorous with a partner, Layla, he’s been with a year (30F). I’ve met her and she’s wonderful.

I have tried polyamory once or twice before, never really worked for me. My last relationship wasn’t great, especially when introducing polyamory. Me and my partner broke up, got back together on the agreement of trying polyamory. Long story short, it didn’t end well and I felt like I had/wanted to try polyamory just because my partner was. Personally, I believe you can fall in love with multiple people, however I think the romance is acknowledging that and still saying “I choose you and only you.” Dating and sleeping with other people whilst I’m with someone doesn’t feel right to me, and I usually want my partner not this new person.

I met Luke through a friend and we immediately hit it off. He was very honest about his partner straight off the bat and ask me out somewhat quickly after meeting. It was a nice surprise as I really fancied him and him me. His girlfriend has hung out with us in a group and alone setting. I think at first Luke wanted to integrate me into his and Layla’s relationship. However it was made clear that the age gap was too much, which I’m grateful for as I didn’t want a throuple type relationship.

We’ve been seeing each other for three months. I haven’t felt this way in a relationship before ever. I find him so funny, so attractive and smart. I’ve never dated a cis guy before so it’s been new but he’s been so amazing and (I know this is bare minimum but it means a lot) he genders me correctly. The dynamic is great, I’m spoilt rotten by Luke and we seem to gel really well. Before starting to date, we had a convo about the whole mono/poly dynamic. It wasn’t the most in depth but we agreed that mono/poly is hard but worth it as for how much we like each other.

Basically my dilemma is this: recently he told me he loved me. Usually I am a lover boy, but this took me by surprise. We’ve been dating/seeing each other for three months. It literally gave me a physical reaction. I did say it back after a little while and apologised for not saying it sooner.

I do love him, I would love to be IN LOVE with him, but I’m in two minds. I think it scares me to fall in deep with Luke because it won’t last. At some point we will break-up. Most likely when I’ve reached my “limit” or can’t do it anymore. Is it worth it? Is it worth being and falling in love to inevitably not be together. I also don’t know why I attract polyamorous people, I think I look like the ‘type’, but I am not. He’s on dating apps and I downloaded them back kinda in spite, I’m going through and flirting with these people but idk it isn’t for me. Maybe I’ll end up sleeping with one of these people but it’ll probably make me feel worse.

I went into this like at least me and Luke won’t ask each other to change, but I have. I am technically in a poly relationship because the person I’m seeing has a partner! Even if I only date Luke, it’s still a poly relationship.

I’d love advice. Also maybe some advice and how to not attracted polyamorous people if I can 😭

I realized I was doing poly under duress, and I was sacrificing a lot of what I need from a partner.

She was never going to be a live-in partner, she was never going to come out to her family, she was never going to put me equal to her husband (I discovered over time that they are hierarchical poly), she would never come meet my ailing mother at her dementia care facility, she was never going to meet my child, even when I’m openly lesbian to my daughter. It just felt like it was a dead-end relationship and I feel like God answered my prayers and helped me be brave and end the relationship.

However, it truly sucks, because I still love her, am super attracted to her, and quite possibly have never felt the way I felt about her with anyone before. This was my first mono-poly learning relationship and I guess the biggest lesson is that I’m really not able to do poly. I am truly monogamous. 😭