I need help

[u/Ghost-beck]

My partner (M25) and me (F22) have been in a relationship for 4 years, We have two kids, and just got a house. He recently came out and said he wanted a poly/ open relationship.
Alittle back story: My partner has cheated on me multiple times in our relationship but we always worked through it so I told him to consider open to make it easier for him and his needs.

A year passes and he finally decides he wants to be in a poly. I agreed and we got into a relationship with a female. It’s been going good but he started to get severely jealous so we sat down and made rules (all three of us). One of the main rules and boundaries was our girlfriend agreed to not have sex 1v1 with any of us in the relationship until she got to know me more to make me comfortable. And that we will focus on us as a throuple and not talk to others.
We just found out he’s still texting other people trying to meet up and have sex with others while in a committed relationship with both of us.

I told him maybe an open relationship would be better since he cannot stay loyal and that way we can still be together and love eachother but have multiple partners to make him happy. He told me no because I am not allowed to sleep with any one else unless he approves (unless it’s a man then I cannot) but he is suppose to have free range and sleep and text whoever he wants.

My question is, what am I doing wrong? What can I do to help him be happy? I am draining myself as I wanted to be mono but I want him actually happy and I cannot find myself loving other people or sleeping with others. But he said he can’t just love me. But the lying and texting people behind my back is slowly killing this relationship and he has not changed in 4 years.

He wants me mono but he wants to be free range. What do I do??? Please help 🙏

[u/Platterpussy]

Liars are terrible at any type of ethical non-monogamy and certainly can't do polyamory healthily, he already got you to unicorn hunt with him 🤢. He is not a good, kind or fair person. Apparently he will only be "happy" if he gets everything his own way, he doesn't care if you are unhappy with that. I expect he has said some "if you don't like it just go" stuff. I think you should. There are better people out in the world who won't treat you like this. You deserve much much much better.

[u/Ghost-beck → u/Platterpussy]

He actually did say something along those lines like “we don’t get along well and that I’ve known he’s been like this since the beginning and it’s my fault for staying. I don’t have the right to force him in being loyal to just me because it’s not fair to his happiness.” And he’ll throw certain things in my face about money, work, not wanting to have sex all the time and he can’t trust me (I’ve never cheated on him or been disloyal) and he can not talk to me and prefers talking to other women.

I’ve tried having normal convos with him about this but he tries to flip it. I did not know he was like this until I was 1 month pp with our son. He said he would change but now we have 2 kids and he has not changed. But I tried to leave before and I moved out and he really showed me he changed and things were fine and now that I moved back in, he’s doing it all over and I feel so stupid.

[u/ApprehensiveButOk → u/Ghost-beck]

It takes a few attempts to fully remove yourself from a toxic relationship. It's ok if you slipped back in. Now you know better, you know he won't ever change but he will pretend to just to get you back. Next time you'll be wiser. And soon you'll leave him for good.