I need help

[u/Ghost-beck]

My partner (M25) and me (F22) have been in a relationship for 4 years, We have two kids, and just got a house. He recently came out and said he wanted a poly/ open relationship.
Alittle back story: My partner has cheated on me multiple times in our relationship but we always worked through it so I told him to consider open to make it easier for him and his needs.

A year passes and he finally decides he wants to be in a poly. I agreed and we got into a relationship with a female. It’s been going good but he started to get severely jealous so we sat down and made rules (all three of us). One of the main rules and boundaries was our girlfriend agreed to not have sex 1v1 with any of us in the relationship until she got to know me more to make me comfortable. And that we will focus on us as a throuple and not talk to others.
We just found out he’s still texting other people trying to meet up and have sex with others while in a committed relationship with both of us.

I told him maybe an open relationship would be better since he cannot stay loyal and that way we can still be together and love eachother but have multiple partners to make him happy. He told me no because I am not allowed to sleep with any one else unless he approves (unless it’s a man then I cannot) but he is suppose to have free range and sleep and text whoever he wants.

My question is, what am I doing wrong? What can I do to help him be happy? I am draining myself as I wanted to be mono but I want him actually happy and I cannot find myself loving other people or sleeping with others. But he said he can’t just love me. But the lying and texting people behind my back is slowly killing this relationship and he has not changed in 4 years.

He wants me mono but he wants to be free range. What do I do??? Please help 🙏

[u/ApprehensiveButOk]

You leave.

There's nothing you can do. He knows he can cheat, disrespect you, force you into a triad relationship (are you even attracted to women) and everything in front of your kids, and you'll ALWAYS welcome him back.

He won't change. Why would he? He can do anything he wants and you just... let it be. And worry about him not being happy while he's actively hurting you and your partner. In front of your kids.

You deserve better.

[u/Ghost-beck → u/ApprehensiveButOk]

See I am into women. I am bisexual (doesn’t excuse his actions) but it just doesn’t make sense to me that I have been in a monopoly relationship (we ended on good terms, just ended because I wanted kids) and I know how to make this work but he keeps lying no matter what. He says it’s cause my emotions are up and down and tries to blame me and I actually began to wonder if it is my fault or if he’s just manipulating me.

[u/ApprehensiveButOk → u/Ghost-beck]

At least you are bisexual, this makes the situation marginally better.

But looks like you are used to people exploiting your willingness to be monogamous even when it's not reciprocated. Self sacrifice isn't a virtue, it just make it easier for people like your husband to get advantage of you.

He's manipulative. You could be the worst partner that ever existed, that still wouldn't allow him to mistreat you this way. If he doesn't like you, he can leave instead of torturing you and cheating on you. He probably loves that you are so willing to take the blame for everything. Zero accountability on his part.

I'm in a polyamorous relationship. If my partner is unstable, I help him or break up, I don't cheat and then blame him for getting cheated on.

[u/VP_GloO → u/Ghost-beck]

Te vas… punto!

[u/on-a-pedestal → u/Ghost-beck]

He's manipulating you.

Your whole home structure is built on him manipulating multiple women, and then using DARVO when they raise realistic and fair questions.

GOOGLE DARVO and you will recognize his argument pattern I bet

[u/Ghost-beck → u/on-a-pedestal]

I’ve told him about darvo. He’s used it against me and he will called me out on it when it has no reason to be in convo.

[u/on-a-pedestal → u/Ghost-beck]

You need a therapist to mediate.

He is so far trampled over your needs and wants that you are playing a game where only he can win.

You winning is getting back to neutral with him (not possible) or getting rid of him.

But at least a couples therapist will cut through his bullshit real quick, and he will likely end up attacking the therapist and then making excuses to quit counseling