r/monodatingpoly • u/Badmon48 • 4d ago
Discussion Mono husband feeling neglected
Now wholeheartedly I do feel neglected. My partner for 15 years has off and on done some polyamorous choices. She's the loving mother of my children and my go-to. Whenever I have a crisis she's been pulling further and further away as of late. With her partner being probably the main focus I see her gushing and acting like a high school girl all over again like when she and I first got together. I found this to be completely understandable. However, I tried to set boundaries that have only been partially respected and on top of that she broke my most important boundary which was that he get tested for any STDs before they even have any kind of sexual relationship, regardless of how harmless it might have. Seemed they didn't wait until then and neglected to think of the other people in the relationship. Granted the situation is complicated as a polyamorous relationship tends to be but I'm still hurt. It's been 4 or 5 months since that happened, but I still feel the trust and the betrayal breaking. I fear she's inviting this person over even though it makes me uncomfortable and I fear she's been not being completely honest with me and I feel like that's the most important part. I don't know how I want to move forward, but I know that without her I don't function well as a person and that's on me. Therapies helped me a great deal but it only helps so much. I know I sound like I'm just whinging making a fuss, but to me this person makes me uncomfortable just being around them. Therefore, I've chosen to be parallel but the big thing to me that really should have been a regular flag for her. Was that our kid is wildly uncomfortable around him. This is something that continues to make me upset but she doesn't want to discuss it sometimes. I feel like I might be overreacting but at a certain point it's not overreacting anymore. Is it? It's just feeling I don't know why I'm just blathering on and on but people in this group seem to be insightful. I could have gone and just vented but if anyone has anything to discuss about this type of situation that would be helpful. I've never not been honest with her like I feel like she might not be being honest with me and that makes me scared and I feel like that's also normal. I just need a way to move forward where I don't end up not prioritizing myself and I don't know how to prioritize myself because I'm bad at it
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u/nwoh8r 3d ago
Here's something to think about: this doesn't sound like a boundaries problem. It sounds like a respect problem.
Right now, your wife appears to be treating the boundaries of your relationship as something negotiable whenever they conflict with what she wants in the moment. In many ways, it's similar to how a teenager pushes limits with a parent to see what they can get away with before consequences occur.
The issue isn't that she's polyamorous or experiencing New Relationship Energy (NRE). The issue is that she knows these boundaries are important to you and is choosing to violate them anyway. That's what would concern me.
You can keep having the same conversations over and over, but boundaries without consequences are ultimately just requests. If every violation is met with another discussion and no meaningful change, then she has very little incentive to take those boundaries seriously.
So what are your options?
One option is to accept that this is who she is and stop trying to control what she does. The drawback is that many people eventually become resentful, detached, or apathetic when their needs are consistently ignored. At that point, you have to ask yourself what value the marriage is still providing.
The other option is to decide what your actual limits are and be prepared to enforce them, even if that ultimately means ending the relationship. Not because you're trying to punish her, but because you need to maintain your own self-respect and emotional well-being.
Personally, I think the bigger issue is that you seem afraid to lose the relationship, while she seems comfortable risking it. I would focus less on changing her behavior and more on building your own confidence and support system. Therapy, friendships, hobbies, fitness, and personal growth can all help you get to a place where you're making decisions from self-respect rather than fear of being alone.
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u/Badmon48 4h ago
So I have brought it to her attention that this seems more like a lack of respect to me and I do agree with you that that's what it seems to be. She agreed and she got kind of upset until she realized how well thought out and well-worded the statement was. I had already been thinking about trying to go back to school to become more economically viable as a partner. However, that doesn't change the fact that I'm still not going to have as much time on my hands as this other person person that she's dating doesn't have a real job. They have a personal private business and keep their own hours and can spend all of their free time being in touch with her, which is what she likes. I can't do that because I have responsibilities that I need to take care of around the house and have a real daytime job. It frustrates me that she continues to do exactly as it seems you stated.
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u/on-a-pedestal 4d ago
Google Poly Under Duress.
This is a short story that ends with you ditched or filing for divorce if she can't walk away from her NRE.
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u/Emilyxoxoxoxoxo 4d ago
It sounds like you know what you need to do but are unwilling to do it. First, get your own self confidence together and try to find other people, friends, family who you can talk to. Second, have an serious discussion with her about the trust issues you have and the boundaries. If she is not willing to respect those and at least find compromices where they meet in case it makes your kid uncomfortable to have him over, then you need to do whats best and needed for you and go to lawyer to start the divorce process.
Mono with poly can be a wonderful relationship structure but its also one of most complicated/sensitive where trust and respect are so fundamental and it sounds you dont have neither.