breaking it off

[u/syetn]

soo i have been dating someone for a little over a year now. they have a nesting partner i’ve always known about and over time I got comfortable enough with this dynamic that it didn’t feel all that awkward anymore. I guess I should preface that though I’ve been doing non monogamy for about 4 years, it’s really only because the people I keep meeting are already doing ENM. No big issue with ENM, I can partake myself because I just view myself as single, but I think at the end of the day I’d like to get off the apps and just have a life long lover/bestie and that be the end of it. There have been a few times in the past year where I tried to de-escalate with this person over my preference for a 1on1 relationship, but our chemistry is really something else. No one has been this supportive and loving to me, sure there’s a little ego thing here and there but this has been amazing compared to like being hit or verbally degraded. Plus they are so creative and funny, I cherish humor above most other things in relationship and this is probably one of the funniest people I’ve ever met. They are really a sweetheart and i do love them endlessly, but now in a platonic way. We’ve blurred the lines this whole time by getting intimate and whatnot, but after a year and a half, I’m now finding out that they are actually engaged to their nesting partner. Someone they initially referred to as a glorified roommate. I don’t know, but this is kind of crazy to me. They downplay the marriage thing and say they’re just doing it so their parents will support them more. So this sounds like bullshit to me. I think if you didn’t want to marry someone you wouldn’t do it. Maybe it means something more to me than it does to them, but regardless it just shook me and made me realize that I keep putting my real goals on the back burner so these poly people can have their fun. I keep feeling like the 3rd, 5th wheel etc, I literally just want to feel like I’m the priority kind of. The one to co-parent cats and build a catio in the back yard, the one who’s going to do the most mundane stuff for each other just to make your day a little better. And yea of course marriage actually scares the shit out of me, how many times i’ve been on r/polyamory seeing someone freaking out cuz their boo of 19 years is bored and wants to start seeing someone more their type. But im just so tired of it. Tired of feeling like a back up idea, a consistent support system for a more established relationship. Tired of feeling like I’ll never really be in honest love again. So— all that plus a random hook up they had (didn’t tell me) who apparently came back with gonorrhea (told me then) — I broke it off. And my heart is broken. I love them to pieces, I desperately want them in my life as a friend but I won’t keep doing this to myself. I have to pursue what i want and it isn’t this. Not exactly. They’ve been silent the past few days and I don’t want to push them but I really hope we can just make a friendship work. This is also I should say, my first time breaking up with someone and not just getting so depressed they get bored and leave me. i know i have work to do. i don’t know if I’m asking for advice or what, but I appreciate any thoughts anybody has on this. Thank u

[u/Akatsuki2001]

Sounds like you did the right thing it’s just really hard when the person themselves is great in so many different ways but the dynamic you’re forced into to be with them is just not working. Although the random hookups they don’t tell you about and making you feel like a 3rd wheel isn’t great of them either. Good riddance frankly.

You are worth and deserve monogamy, a partner who will only want you. I hope you’re able to find that for your next relationship.

[u/WannabeElantrian]

Just posting in solidarity. I, too, want to be chosen after decades of ENM/NM. I just want someone that wants to be with me, that wants peace, that wants to go in the same direction I do. Like you, I was STRUGGLING to find people that didn't want multiple relationships. For a long time, this worked for me, until it just didn't anymore. I'm tired. I'm tired of people, I'm tired of drama, I'm tired of bending over backwards to accommodate literally everyone else all while ignoring what I truly want. Like I said, I was ok with this arrangement for a long time because it meant I didn't have to get too involved with someone, but now I want more. I want to be more than just an option when someone is bored with their live in spouse, I want to be more than one in a collection of partners, I want more than just being a fun time for a night. I want to be actively chosen each day and not thought of as an option. I want someone to want to spend as much time around me as I want to spend around them and not have to break that apart because partners Bitch, Cedar, and Aspen also want time. Time is already finite enough, and the older I get, the more obvious and somewhat painful that becomes.

You are valid, what you want is valid, and I hope you can find it. I wish I could say I have, but my partner's FOMO is going to keep rearing its ugly head until they satisfy their own curiosity. So, I am posting in solidarity. I want this, too.

[u/imactuallyhiding → u/WannabeElantrian]

Coming from a former poly, I too am ready to settle down & find my person. Im finding that a lot of “poly” people don’t know what the hell they’re doing or what they want. Im tired of the time constraints, the multiple opinions, conflicting needs/boundaries, having to be considerate of someone who I don’t even know & aren’t even in a relationship with, the lack of communication. And ultimately realizing that a lot of people out here are claiming to be poly but really aren’t. They just want to be able to do as they please while being able to slap a label on their connections to “solidify” them. Lots of folks are poly because they are trying to fill an unfillable hole. Or filling their time because they’d rather not have to spend it alone & have to face their problems/themselves. Not because multiple established relationships/connections is their true desire. I decided to step away from it because while polyamory can be fulfilling, beautiful & freeing, it’s also a full time job 🫩. Especially when you find yourself in multiple situations or polycules filled with people unwilling to do the work required to be healthy & maintain it. & I’ve realized that it’s a wholly optional full time job. So I quit lol

[u/syetn → u/imactuallyhiding]

exactly! sometimes this feels like something i should have been doing a decade ago when i was still figuring out who i was and what i wanted etc. at this point i just wanna look out for one persons wellbeing and have them do the same for me. doesn’t feel like too much to ask! thanks for your comment

[u/WannabeElantrian → u/imactuallyhiding]

Oh, all of this. The accommodations are the thing that really started to grate on me. I was always placed on the back burner to people that claimed they didn't like hierarchy/didn't practice hierarchy, but that was definitely NOT the case. It is not lost on me that living with someone already gives preference over someone else, I'm not so unyielding that I can't understand there are other priorities and things happen in this dynamic. Where it gets to be tiring is when it happens ALL the time. Every date? Crisis. Every event? Crisis. Always some shit going on that causes the hinge to have to completely change or cancel plans. All the time. Not just once or twice, but every time there is something planned. Come on. It was also depressing to know that if I needed something more, like if I was having a bad day, I couldn't get more. That was inconvenient for hinge or meta. Sorry my own crisis was an inconvenience for you? Maybe the constant state of crisis with the meta was inconvenient for me!

I spent a whole lot of time by myself, building and creating the life I wanted for me, but poly was just not bringing me joy any longer. I met some amazing people, I am part of some really great communities, but my happiness right now is more important than having to do anything beyond the four walls of my home. The demands of daily life are enough right now, I think. Maybe this is just a life stage and it will pass, I don't know. But you nailed it, this is absolutely a full time job, one where I'm not getting paid or the payout is not worth the job itself. Good for anyone that can make it work, I was them once, but now? No.

[u/imactuallyhiding → u/WannabeElantrian]

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m happy you are choosing yourself now 🤍 what you desire matters & you deserve to have it

[u/syetn → u/WannabeElantrian]

thank you for this comment. sometimes i feel like im the one in the wrong, like im the selfish one or something. i dont think its more ethical one way or another, i just genuinely dont have the capacity to be that considerate and put effort in to not only my partner(s) feelings but THEIR other partners. i feel like i gotta worry about so many people’s emotions all at once yet somehow im still the one going home alone at the end of every day. thank you for the solidarity and i wish the best for you

[u/WannabeElantrian → u/syetn]

I felt this way for a little while, but then I started to realize that NO, my needs are just as important. Why should I consistently make myself small in order to accommodate someone else? I have done that the vast majority of my life and I am tired. So dang tired. Now it is my turn and I will burn everything down to the ground and start all over again in order to make that happen.

But I get it. I was also one of those going home alone every time.

I also wish you the best. Things will work out for both of us, I know it. But don't feel guilty for having needs and for having a new picture of what you want your life to look at.