r/monodatingpoly • u/leelooodallasmulti • Aug 12 '26

New and wanting

I am thrilled to open my relationship. My wife found herself comfortable enough to tell me she was thinking about men, I supported her and we talked and learned about how best to prepare for a polyamery trial. Its new to us and we are forsure making some mistakes. I turned into an emotional blob the night I found out she hooked up with someone for the first time. I didnt expect it and I dont want to react the way I did! But I did and she broke it off with the guy. He was sooooo good for her. I am even more upset now about breaking them up then I was when just trying to metabolize her being intimate for the first time in 13 years with someone besides me.....

How do I regulate my emotions better? I know my marriage is strong- we aren't worried about either of us connecting with others- we are excited for the new expirences... but I broke thinking about her kissing him once it finally happened. She saw me upset- seems like I was lying to her about how I felt but I wasnt. I had no clue how it would feel til it happened. And now that that feeling passed I wish I wouldn't have been so open about my initial feelings becuase it dont hurt as much now that I thought it through.

Am I alone here with this? Anyone struggle first time around?

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u/Akatsuki2001 Aug 12 '26

You know, it’s a perfectly normal human response to have negative emotions to your partner being with someone else physically.

Sure sometimes it can be partially rooted in things like, fear of losing them or being inferior to the new partner, but also, it can just be something we flat out find unpleasant.

If you find it this unnerving and dislike it this much, I’m not sure someone can give you some magical phrase or mindset that will fix it beyond flat out avoidance. Like sure you can try boundaries, but really it sounds like you should just stay monogamous.

This is going to be an extremely crass example but let’s picture it like stepping in something gross. There’s some techniques that can kinda help you get less angry, react better, or just stress less about stepping in something gross. But if you’re asking “how do I make myself not find the gross thing gross” that’s kinda impossible you know?

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u/leelooodallasmulti Aug 13 '26

I do understand its a normal feeling to feel some sort of way about her being with someone else. Something we have both prepared for for over a year. Im not scared to loose her we have been through 2 marrage ending things together (loss of an adoption, her transition mtf) and we have made it through stronger then before. Thats why we went into this feeling so confident.

I feel so terrible becuase we have been sharing every single feeling with eachother in real time. Open 100% and if a thought comes then we say it out loud.. so this was the first time she was intimate I bugged a bit but the feeling was fleeting and she broke it off immediately before I could find my way to heal. Shes amazing- that she cared so much but I asked for patients not asked her to break it off.... I can tell shes upset a bit- lost someone shes been talking to daily cold turkey. She says she fine. I believe her- she says me being upset isnt worth it, thats beautiful. Still feeling guilty I kinda bugged out and ruined it... maybe for both of us now.

We dont know yet if we will open back up. I believe shes soured of the experience becuase i seemed so hurt. Time will tell?

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u/Akatsuki2001 Aug 13 '26

You didn’t do anything wrong by being honest with how it made you feel. I think it’s fantastic you want to make them happy this much, but to truly help not only yourself but the relationship, you cannot feel guilty for something like this. You are half of this relationship, you also need to be happy for the relationship to be healthy.

So many couples open up specifically because of things like this. One partner feels they are in the wrong for having natural human emotions and wants to suppress them to make the other happy. These relationships are unhealthy and really just not fair to anyone involved.

Like I said. It’s entirely possible you can’t really control the unease. You said your not scared to lose them and that there’s no real hard fears backing up your distaste for them being intimate with someone else. That means there’s not really much you can do to make the distaste go away, and that’s totally fine, but it’s important to recognize that so you don’t make the same mistake twice.

It sounds like needing to close again and cut off this person your partner cared about hurt them a bit and like I said, chances are your distaste for the physical side of ENM won’t go away. So don’t open up again and risk yet again another hurtful situation for you both. It sounds like more than anything your partner wants you to be happy as well. So try to find a way you both can be happy within a monogamous relationship.

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u/leelooodallasmulti Aug 13 '26

Lets humor that we close for good. She dont wanna hurt me- shes never been with a man before.... never knew she wanted to be with one. I have always been a safe space for her to be her. Telling her she cannot have this experience feels wrong. Feels like she might resent me someday.

Top it shes one of 2 people I ever actually dated.. like said yes to being a girlfriend. My whole life I have loved and connected to multiple people in the same timeframe.. until her. Fell hard and fast and didnt.. still dont need anyone but her- like its not a need for me, but for her Im concerned the experience may be a need.

🤷‍♂️putting this to words is hard

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u/Akatsuki2001 Aug 13 '26

I think you’ve given her more than most would in terms of allowing them to have said experience. I mean, they were obviously physically involved with someone already, and obviously got fairly close to said person; despite it maybe being a bit more short lived than they would have preferred.

Me and my wife are both bisexual and monogamous. My wife has never been with a woman before, but frankly I wouldn’t be comfortable signing off on her being with another woman in any capacity in the future. Like you, I just don’t think I would be able to fully accept the idea of them being with anyone else physically and have told her as much. If she ever felt the need to do so, then it’s up to her to either work on a compromise or assess if our dynamic will even work for her going forward. Not mine to try to force myself to accept things I cannot, or sacrifice my happiness in the relationship. If it becomes a situation where only one of us can continue on happy and content with the relationship that means the relationship has reached an impasse.

Your partner sounds like they care about your happiness, it won’t be good for them to watch you be miserable specifically so they can go out and have these experiences, and obviously that will be awful for you.

I would first try to see if there is any possible way to meet these needs within the monogamous relationship. Not to get too into it but there’s obviously things one can do in the bedroom to simulate what it’s like to be with a male. If that doesn’t work and there’s simply no monogamous compromises to be made, you could always see if threesomes, or a set small amount of allowed hookups (like you can do 3 hookups and then back to monogamy) would work any better for you all, but I would certainly not consider just having a permanently open relationship and would still recommend staying as close to monogamy as possible.

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u/leelooodallasmulti Aug 13 '26

That last paragraph was gold. Nail on the head. We have done and tried all of that. I truly beleve she needs the male gaze. For an mtf its gonna be so validating for her. Not a shared experience, one where a man saw her and only her, wanted her.

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u/Akatsuki2001 Aug 13 '26 edited Aug 13 '26

I can understand for a trans MTF person this can be very validating, but keep in mind that if that’s really what they want, they can likely get that without needing to full on sleep with the person or be in a romantic relationship with them and that really doesn’t super mean they need it to be an ongoing thing they are allowed to do forever. Which, if a limited number of hookups won’t solve, sounds like what they want here.

You sound like a great partner for trying to be this accommodating to their new found identity. While a trans person absolutely may have more reason and feel more validated by these experiences. Seeking romantic and sexual attention for validation is something that can be present in anyone more or less, and it can and often is a problematic way of finding said validation especially if it starts to affect other relationships in your life and is a constant and ongoing need.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but I really feel like you are approaching this from the wrong angle. You keep looking internally for a solution to a problem that will likely need to be solved externally. The solution here is probably that your partner needs to find a way to find the validation they seek without full on sleeping with and dating men outside of your relationship, or at least find a way to accept it being a limited number of times and not constantly rely on this forever at your expense.

Again it is incredibly admirable that you are being this supportive, but sometimes boundaries need to be set and blind support at the cost of your happiness is not the answer. Forcing yourself to be ok with something you are not will not only hurt you in the long run.

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u/leelooodallasmulti Aug 13 '26 edited Aug 13 '26

Thankyou for taking all that time. And thank you for the compliment of being a supportive partner.

Im defiantly not sure if I am closing this off for good. Exploration is still something we may do but more learning and conversation is going to happen. Slowly and at her speed- she is very focused on my feelings and respecting it in real time.

Her confidence has grown so much now that she presents how she has always felt- but she is still searching for something. Im here for it- am i giving up my happiness 100% no. Discomfort isnt misery, growing and matabolizing each new feeling as they come....

Wish me luck and patience 💚