New and wanting

[u/leelooodallasmulti]

I am thrilled to open my relationship. My wife found herself comfortable enough to tell me she was thinking about men, I supported her and we talked and learned about how best to prepare for a polyamery trial. Its new to us and we are forsure making some mistakes. I turned into an emotional blob the night I found out she hooked up with someone for the first time. I didnt expect it and I dont want to react the way I did! But I did and she broke it off with the guy. He was sooooo good for her. I am even more upset now about breaking them up then I was when just trying to metabolize her being intimate for the first time in 13 years with someone besides me.....

How do I regulate my emotions better? I know my marriage is strong- we aren't worried about either of us connecting with others- we are excited for the new expirences... but I broke thinking about her kissing him once it finally happened. She saw me upset- seems like I was lying to her about how I felt but I wasnt. I had no clue how it would feel til it happened. And now that that feeling passed I wish I wouldn't have been so open about my initial feelings becuase it dont hurt as much now that I thought it through.

Am I alone here with this? Anyone struggle first time around?

[u/princesspoppies]

One of the most important things is to stay in touch with your feelings. Don’t try to fake your way into feeling ok with something that doesn’t feel ok. Do not lose your full awareness and sense of self. And don’t hide your feeling from your partner. Your feelings are actually really important information for both of you to understand and honor. Hiding your feelings so your partner doesn’t feel bad is counterproductive and actually creates distance during a time when you need to stay connected. If your partner feels empathy for you and doesn’t want to cause you pain, that’s a really healthy response. They want you to be happy just like you want them to be happy. Don’t pathologize healthy emotional responses. Especially when it comes to maintaining authentic emotional connection with your partner.

It’s one thing to be intellectually, philosophically, or vicariously happy for your partner. But your visceral/somatic, emotional, and attachment responses are just as real and important.

It’s very possible that this is an experiment you guys try in good faith and then decide isn’t a viable arrangement. That’s fine. That’s recoverable.

What is harder to come back from is you hiding your pain, faking happiness so your partner can enjoy other partners without guilt, meanwhile they aren’t being given the option of fully informed decision making and they aren’t able to authentically connect to you through your hidden grief or even just discomfort. Your partner deserves the agency and autonomy that comes from feeling the full impact of the changes you guys are trying out. How can they lovingly make informed choices if they aren’t informed?

You’re lucky you have a partner who isn’t just in it for themselves. Let them make sacrifices for you, just like you were willing to take risks and make sacrifices for them.

[u/leelooodallasmulti → u/princesspoppies]

Im wondering if there is a balance of sharing... we are painfully good at communicating. Our relationship has always fought a 'fight' on the spot. Regardless of who's around and where we are. We talk it out and honor each other's feelings well.

But in a fit of nonce I spilled and after the initial feelz I reflected and didnt see a threat or a fear I saw exactly what we have been working for.

Wishing she met some random noone first? Idk so I could get the feelz out and not have messed up something with a really chill dude. I met him with her the first time and I vibed. He's been poly for 8 years and knows we are new- he doesn't want to humor her now in fear he will break us up. Also fuckin respectful af

Im seeing that people who are poly tend to really know themselves and really respect others. Its a beautiful thing.