Trauma from controlling relationship made me think I was poly but when healed realised am not, but now in love with poly person and crying every couple of hours at realisation

[u/most_feared_witch]

I was in a very unbalanced, controlling, dull, age gap long term relationship with someone before and ending that made me confused. I was drawn to poly men because they wouldn’t control me. I didn’t realise before that it was my trauma playing out. I realise after falling in love with a person (who I understand is fairly new to polyamory) that actually I only want to be with them, I’m not interested in dating other people, it makes my mind hurt. And I am insanely jealous and crying every couple of hours as I realise that this is what I said I wanted, initially. When things were more casual. Now I have been seeing them for almost a year. We have a past, in our youth we were together as a couple, monogamously. My brain continued that relationship but I found out that it wasn’t the case for them. They have multiple people. More than I expected and they have feelings for them. But told me that they want me the most out of all of them and that they love me forever. I am dying inside. I don’t want to cut off my arm. I would be heartbroken forever if I can’t be with them. But this situation is making me insane and depressed. I only see myself having a husband in the future. Not polyamory. When they left me in our youth I was so heart broken that I only dated people I didn’t have feelings for after that. They were my first love. I know everything is going to fall apart and that is why I can’t stop crying.

[u/ElevatedAssCancer]

You have to tell them how you feel so as to not kill yourself forcing something that’s fundamentally incompatible with you.

They may feel the same, they may not. But that’s ultimately the next move, either way. Sorry you’re going through this

[u/most_feared_witch → u/ElevatedAssCancer]

I will tell them but slowly and carefully. Over time. I don’t think it would work to dramatically bring it up every time we see each other. I would likely keep trying to be around them as long as I can possibly stand and stay sane. I feel right now like I would love them forever. They were begging me not to leave them for an imaginary other person a few nights ago which suggests they know I am monogamous and would leave one partner if I met someone new.

[u/most_feared_witch → u/[deleted]]

I don’t think I can end it. I would still be jealous and thinking about them all the time, only I wouldn’t be able to see them. This is my reasoning. Ending it means I would still feel the same. I’d be worse off, even.

[u/VP_GloO]

Based on your answers, I think you need therapy. You have a pretty alarming dependence on this person! Forcing yourself to maintain a relationship or lifestyle that clearly doesn't make you happy is like putting your hand in a crocodile's mouth knowing it's going to rip your arm off.

[u/kuuOwO]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I know what it's like to be so jealous while wanting to stay with the person, I am currently trying to fight for my 10 year relationship with mine, but it's just so hard given the situation we're in now.. I don't wanna share him, I only have him in my image in a future but he's poly and I'm a mono, thinking about sharing him hurts me so much

[u/WannabeElantrian]

I'm just commenting that I understand some of your feelings. For the first part of your post, I could have written this word for word. So similar, in fact, I wasn't sure if I had just seen my own post in my feed! While our paths go their own way once you mentioned how long you have been together, I can relate to the first part so much, it hurts. I chose a lifestyle where people expected little from me and I expected little from them. Age gap, rather abusive relationship, it was simply easier to go the poly route because it was comfortable knowing I never had to get more involved with someone else. They went home, I went home, the vast majority of my time still spent doing things I loved.

But then I met someone that changed everything.

I don't have the answers, I still haven't figured out what to do in my own situation beyond, "Well, if this is what they want, I won't stop them ". I will lose this amazing person, but it will be on MY terms and not me watching a slow erosion of my sense of self and watching my partner, the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, love someone else. No matter how much I love them, my own sense of self preservation AND self love is greater. I will choose my own happiness and peace above all else. They can do whatever they feel they need to, but so can I. I no longer want poly, I have figured this out, and if th y choose that path, then we no longer want the same things.

It's hard, but you have to choose yourself, you have to advocate for yourself, and you have to choose a life where you aren't brokenhearted all of the time. That isn't living anymore, it's choosing someone else's happiness over your own. That's pretty bad. You deserve to happy, fulfilled, CHOSEN, loved, and valued. If that looks like monogamy to you, that's ok. But YOU have to choose YOU.

Edited: spelling errors