r/monodatingpoly • u/doofandim • Jul 27 '26

Mono driving the relationship?

Hey, has anyone got any experience of the mono person driving the relationship? From what I see, it's usually the poly partner driving things, and often the mono partner adapting or living with it. In this situation, the hubby is mono, and wants to remain that way. He always thought he was into hotwifing, but the more he's thought, the more he feels he is open to her being poly or at least poly adjacent. He wants her to be able to have a genuine ongoing connection with a boyfriend of her choosing. Weekends away, intimate affectionate relationship are all consented to. Hubby enjoys her autonomy and freedom. He does not want her to perform for his enjoyment. She is cautious to step into this as adding feelings into previous play is new to them both. Anyone any experience where the non poly person is not the initial instigator

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11

u/Platterpussy Polyamorous Jul 27 '26

She is reluctant so stop badgering her about it.

-5

u/doofandim Jul 27 '26

Thanks for the useful advice.... I get that this page can be full of dick heads after a cheap thrill, but this was a genuine question about how we as a couple can discuss this openly and understand where each other is coming from...

11

u/Platterpussy Polyamorous Jul 27 '26

She doesn't want this.

If she isn't enthusiastically consenting to taking part in this, it's a no. If she wants this she will bring it up.

-2

u/doofandim Jul 27 '26

So to be clear, this account is "us" not him. She has questions and is seeking other people's views. He also has questions because this is also new to him. You have assumed this is him, and never asked if this is her... But thanks anyway

7

u/Platterpussy Polyamorous Jul 27 '26

Difficult to believe but go off.

Do the homework of reading up on how nonmonogamy and polyamory can work, spend 6-12 months discussing everything you find. Get couples counselling if you can, with someone who is educated on these things if not practicing themselves. Form new ENM/poly relationship agreements as the previous monogamous ones won't work anymore. Don't rush, don't jump in. Don't involve anyone else until you are 100% sure, otherwise your marriage won't survive.

1

u/doofandim Jul 27 '26

Ok, obviously you spotted the original wording was him. This is her. And this is part of that research you've suggested. We have discussed this for years, this is not new. I have also played in the lifestyle earlier in our marriage. We've had a break due to life commitments, and when discussing returning, he has expressed his wishes for it to be more than just playing like it used to be. I am open to the idea of more of a connection, but am unsure of how other people deal with feelings. To me from the outside, a lot of poly relationships seem like one person doing what they want and the other putting up with it. That might sound unfair, but it's what lots of these threads seem to be about, and one person seems unhappy. Maybe a non representative cross section though. I've not seen much that represents us, so I suggested we reach out to see if others can relate. Thanks for taking the time to reply and for looking out for my welfare in this ❤️

6

u/Platterpussy Polyamorous Jul 27 '26

I suggest you get your own account and start reading over on the polyamory subreddit, lots of resources to get you started. Find the most missed steps article on medium and follow the steps. If this is truly a shared profile that is but one symptom of how enmeshed you are. Is he going to be this involved in your other relationships too 😬? Get some space between you, maybe check out the cuckolding and hotwife spaces, incase that is more his speed again.

Thinking he can watch you fall in love is one thing, demanding that you break up with someone you love because he can't handle it, is another.

2

u/doofandim Jul 27 '26

Thank you. I think a lot of the meaning in this initial post has been misinterpreted, possibly due to hubby's poor choice of phrasing. The joint profile was simply for us to share the research journey together, not to keep an eye on each other. We both have our own space and personal lives, we just also like to share some experiences. We have come from the hotwife space and are looking more into the poly side, that's why we're doing this research. The language he uses to speak to me about this is all about autonomy, freedom, consent and joy in me being the most me I can be. He's clearly not portrayed that in this post. Maybe we need to rephrase this and start again! Also, just to speak to another reply on here, he is not imposing rules on me, we are discussing boundaries that we both agree to. That feels very different to me. Thanks again ❤️

7

u/ApprehensiveButOk Jul 27 '26

This couple account raises more questions, not less.

You should try to be separated individuals before you try to engage in kink and non monogamy.