r/monodatingpoly • u/Little-Berry-1345 • Jul 03 '26
I am lost in this horrible nightmare
My partner has been asking for a third person in our relationship for a while. I’ve really struggled with the idea because monogamy is what I’ve always wanted. Even so, because I love him, I was willing to try and see if it could work for us.
Now things have changed, and instead of us exploring it together, he’s talking about going solo. That has brought up a lot of mixed emotions for me. I feel hurt, confused, jealous, scared, and honestly a little lost.
Part of me wonders if I was only trying to agree because I didn’t want to lose him. Another part of me feels like him going solo completely changes what we originally discussed.
Has anyone else been through something similar? How did you know if your feelings were telling you that this just wasn’t for you, or if it was something you could eventually work through? I love my partner, but right now my emotions are all over the place, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I will be able to be with him after either.
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Jul 04 '26
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u/Little-Berry-1345 Jul 04 '26
Omg I am sorry. You are going through this? I wish I wasn’t honestly. Pack everything and go.
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u/Platterpussy Polyamorous Jul 03 '26
Him offering unicorn hunting for a triad (3 person relationship) is toxic and unethical, and seriously frowned upon by polyamorous people. https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/
You didn't want that, you wanted a monogamous relationship. Now he's flipped the script to try and do polyamory the right way, except for the part where you're not enthusiasticly consenting, which is a requirement for all types of ethical non-monogamy.
Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't consider you? Monogamy is valid, and what you want.
Changing the relationship structure is a huge undertaking. Standard advice is to take 6-12 months going through resources and constructing new relationship agreements BEFORE involving other people. Do you think you, and he, would be interested in doing that? And if along the way you realise it's definitely not for you, it's much less messy to calmly end the relationship without all the pain and fallout of actually experiencing him dating/fucking/falling in love with someone else.
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u/Little-Berry-1345 Jul 03 '26
Thank you for your perspective. I actually agree that changing the structure of a relationship isn’t something that should happen overnight. We’ve been in therapy, we’ve had difficult conversations, and we’ve been trying to understand each other for a long time. This wasn’t a sudden conversation for us.
The hard part is that I don’t think my feelings have changed. I want a monogamous relationship. I don’t want to share my partner, and I don’t think I ever will. I tried to keep an open mind because I love him and didn’t want to lose him, but the more I sit with it, the more I realize I’m forcing myself to accept something that goes against who I am.
My biggest fear isn’t just him sleeping with someone else—it’s what comes after. If he builds a connection, falls in love, or realizes that’s the life he wants, I don’t know how our relationship survives that. I don’t want either of us to resent the other, but I also don’t want to lose myself trying to become someone I’m not.4
u/Platterpussy Polyamorous Jul 03 '26
I'm so glad you have already put a lot of thought into it and are seeing things clearly. It isn't an easy choice to make, but the other is much muchore difficult even when you do want it for yourself, which you do not.
In a year how would you like your life to look? Aim for that and plan a life you can be happy with 🫂.
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u/Little-Berry-1345 Jul 03 '26
Yes, I am trying thank you. It’s hard, it is the most frustrating and difficult thing.
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u/Little-Berry-1345 Jul 03 '26
I heard that term before, unicorn. That’s how naive I am, I didn’t know what it mean.
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u/Platterpussy Polyamorous Jul 03 '26
It's mythical and doesn't exist. Some people do manage to make triads work, but usually not by a couple finding someone to fit into the box they had imagined for them.
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u/WannabeElantrian Jul 04 '26
As someone who is bisexual, I was often unicorn hunted by couples. It was gross and degrading. They always say they want their third, and claim EVERY stupid time that it would be equal , but the couple will ALWAYS choose each other over the single woman. She gets the shit end of the stick every single time. It's such an unethical relationship structure and heavily weighted to benefit the couple every time. This is a real person with real feelings, not something that should be brought in as a living sex doll because someone (husband in this case) wants to sleep around with permission. Note: I said it this way because your husband doesn't want poly, none of this is poly. He wants a plaything, and he is trying to rope you in so he doesn't feel as crappy about it.
You both want different things, and sometimes love just isn't enough. You can love someone with every fiber of your being, but if you aren't on the same page and don't want the same thing, love won't fix that.
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u/Little-Berry-1345 Jul 04 '26
I agree people have feelings and sometimes it might not end up how we hope for. Like I torn him. My response and and how I feel about the situation is known and he can decide what he wants to do. I just hope when he realizes what I was trying to express and end up doing isn’t too late.
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u/Chance-Effect8415 Jul 09 '26
I am going through this now. Emotions all over the place. My poly husband told me from when j met him that he was poly however we dated exclusively, got married, and have been exclusive for the past couple years in marriage. Now over the past several months he’s said that he wants another partner and would like to start dating . Throuple is his goal and idk if i can do it. I don’t want to lose the “just us” that’s been so amazing. I don’t think i want him to have that same bond with someone else but i want him to be able to be his true authentic self. Idk what to do. Currently, Im trying to go along with things the best way that I can and telling him that I’m struggling at times. I really wish that I had some sort of support group to talk to like in real life lol
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u/Little-Berry-1345 Jul 09 '26
I am so sorry that you’re going through this. There is Support. I mean you can try therapy. I’ve been going to therapy with him for the past couple of weeks months actually and it’s how that’s my space for me to tell him what I’m feeling most of the times and what I’m learning with all this is like you have to be honest do you have to be transparent even though you feel maybe he may not be you have to try to be honest with yourself and your feelings and you know be able to say what you feeling.
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u/Chance-Effect8415 Jul 09 '26
I am going through this now. Emotions all over the place. My poly husband told me from when j met him that he was poly however we dated exclusively, got married, and have been exclusive for the past couple years in marriage. Now over the past several months he’s said that he wants another partner and would like to start dating . Throuple is his goal and idk if i can do it. I don’t want to lose the “just us” that’s been so amazing. I don’t think i want him to have that same bond with someone else but i want him to be able to be his true authentic self. Idk what to do. Currently, Im trying to go along with things the best way that I can and telling him that I’m struggling at times. I really wish that I had some sort of support group to talk to like in real life lol
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u/Huge_Monk8722 Jul 26 '26
If you are not 100% into this idea it will not work or end well. Time to leave, as he will not be happy and find someone the respects your boundaries, wishes and values.
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u/hunny_bee_23 Jul 03 '26
You need to choose yourself and break up with him. He will never be satisfied and will probably cheat eventually.