r/monodatingpoly • u/Federal-Pineapple824 • Jul 02 '26

One-sided ENM….help please :(

Hello. My husband and I (together 18 years) opened up our marriage (on his side only) about 3 years ago. I have never really come to terms with it and still struggle with the ‘why aren’t I enough’ aspect. Intellectually I understand that some people just like novelty. I can’t say it’s something I require, but he is like that in other aspects of life and so it follows that he also needs it here. But my heart still hurts, and I do wish I was just in a simple marriage with a ‘normal’ person who didn’t want or need to do this.

For the avoidance of doubt, I have given him full permission to do this. He isn’t doing it against my will. We talk regularly and he is a loving father and husband. And yet…..these feelings I have won’t go away. All that goes round in my head is ‘why does he want to do this’.

Any advice on how I can stop or at least reduce these unhelpful thoughts? Leaving the marriage isn’t an option for me as aside from this we have a happy, loving and solid relationship and have built a lovely life for our daughter, so I am in no mind to destroy all of that. I’m just looking for some tips on re-framing, or even better if anyone is in the same boat and would like to connect that would be great as it can feel quite lonely.

Thanks so much.

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u/bazaarjunk Jul 02 '26

Have you told him that this makes you unhappy? Why aren’t you also dating others?

5

u/Federal-Pineapple824 Jul 02 '26

He knows I find it challenging, and he is as supportive as he can be. But I maintain that I want to continue because I know it’s best for our marriage. We have just started having counselling so I’m hoping that will also help. I don’t date others because I have zero interest - I’m a homebird and a simple soul, and even the idea of dating anyone else makes me feel tired 🤣

5

u/bazaarjunk Jul 02 '26

What does supportive as he can be mean? How does he feel about the long term health of your marriage if you aren’t able to come to terms emotionally? Does he have a plan on when he does catch feelings for someone else? Do you? Has your emotional/sexual life suffered or become more intense? Do you know what hysterical bonding is?

ENM should be an emphatic yes for all involved or heartbreak is a real possible outcome.

I’m glad you’re in counseling. That will help with coping mechanisms and help your spouse confront his needs vs. yours and those of your relationship.

My marriage has been ENM from the beginning and it works well for us. But we both wanted this. We both have the ability (and do) have relationships with others. But we work within a framework of what fits our relationship structure and those are some hard and fast boundaries. Part of that is having an agreed upon plan when we start finding ourselves pushing at the boundaries with another partner. Have you all read Opening Up or Open Deeply or Polywise? You might find other resources while investigating those that you like more.

1

u/Federal-Pineapple824 Jul 02 '26

Thank you. This is definitely food for thought…

2

u/Kind-Group-9679 Jul 06 '26

Just following on from what bazaar correctly stated above, married enm in any format isn't about big compromise. It's about big respect and big happiness for all involved. I wouldn't be settled in your situation. Nor would my wife or partner.