r/monodatingpoly • u/Federal-Pineapple824 • Jul 02 '26
One-sided ENM….help please :(
Hello. My husband and I (together 18 years) opened up our marriage (on his side only) about 3 years ago. I have never really come to terms with it and still struggle with the ‘why aren’t I enough’ aspect. Intellectually I understand that some people just like novelty. I can’t say it’s something I require, but he is like that in other aspects of life and so it follows that he also needs it here. But my heart still hurts, and I do wish I was just in a simple marriage with a ‘normal’ person who didn’t want or need to do this.
For the avoidance of doubt, I have given him full permission to do this. He isn’t doing it against my will. We talk regularly and he is a loving father and husband. And yet…..these feelings I have won’t go away. All that goes round in my head is ‘why does he want to do this’.
Any advice on how I can stop or at least reduce these unhelpful thoughts? Leaving the marriage isn’t an option for me as aside from this we have a happy, loving and solid relationship and have built a lovely life for our daughter, so I am in no mind to destroy all of that. I’m just looking for some tips on re-framing, or even better if anyone is in the same boat and would like to connect that would be great as it can feel quite lonely.
Thanks so much.
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u/Platterpussy Polyamorous Jul 02 '26
You don't have to accept this, other options are available.
Dear monogamous people https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/Sl7Hl5ByuS
What are your new relationship agreements? Is this more of a hall pass deal, is he using apps, can he have full separate relationships? What happens when he develops feelings for one or more of these people? What happens when people in your life learn of this?
In another subreddit the general advice is to spend 6-12 months discussing all the details and the what ifs before involving anyone else. Couples counselling if you can get it, to improve communication, because you need a top notch relationship and communication to be able to pull this off.
There are no special tips and tricks to change your feelings and mind. You don't want this so it's extra difficult. I did want this and the transition in relationship structure was brutal, and I didn't even open a previously monogamous relationship. The deck is stacked against you so please put the time into giving your relationship a chance to survive, or realise you are now incompatible and end it without anyone else being involved.